Broken
by Sirrocco
Summary: Trauma fragments the ability to make meaning-fracturing memory, time and narrative. Yet it also clears space for new possibilities to emerge. When traumatic events shatter the lives of young Rachel Shepard and young Liara T'Soni, they struggle to pick up the pieces in time and to achieve victory amidst all that is broken.
1. The First Sky

**The First Sky**

from Li-Young Lee's _One Heart_

_Look at the birds. Even flying  
is born  
Out of nothing. The first sky  
is inside you. Open  
at either end of day..._

* * *

"Come on, Rachel, they're going to get all the ripe ones!" Julia ran ahead, her bare legs bending the long grass, leaving an easy trail to follow up the steep, untended field.

Pulling her inner tube onto the mossy bank, Rachel felt river water squish out of her beat-up, red canvas shoes. She squinted as she stepped out from under the trees into the bright afternoon sun. The others could be heard laughing and shouting but had gotten far enough ahead she couldn't see them.

With a last look at the quiet shadow of the woods, Rachel dug in and sprinted after them. "Wait for me!" Seeds and bugs scattered or stuck to her damp legs as she tore through the verge, breaking another path through the field as her body took flight. She breathed in deeply, loving the smell of the trampled grass and the feeling of speed, the wind over her body. The grass whipped against her legs, and a slight ache built in the muscles as she pushed harder, striving to catch up, dashing up the hill. "Julia!"

A dark blur knocked her down as she passed a rocky outcropping near the center of the field. "Got you!" Julia landed on her giggling, and she lay beneath her, panting. The corners of Julia's very blue eyes crinkled as she grinned at her captive. "Now … what shall I do with you?" Her long, dark hair hung down around her face, and Rachel could see her heels kicking behind her, the gap in her shirt. Rachel's breathlessness wasn't entirely due to running. Julia's weight was warm on her. She has hyperaware of the softness pressing against her. "What, no words from the newly appointed, velvety-tongued poet laureate of Mindoir High? Well, we have ways of making you talk!" Julia grabbed her torso and started tickling her.

"Ahh! No fair! Stop!" Rachel protested, squirming, rolling back and forth under her tormentor.

"Not until you say it!" Julia insisted, refusing to be bucked off. Her fingers dug into Rachel's sides. Her prisoner would receive no reprieve.

"Say … ah … quit it! … stop it! … what?" Rachel writhed under the onslaught, even attempting to tickle her tormentor in return, though she knew it was futile. Julia usually managed not to be ticklish. However, the fingers in the hollows of her hips stilled as Julia looked at her with a pout, their bare legs tangled together. Rachel's mouth suddenly felt dry.

"You know." Rachel stopped struggling and their eyes met, dark brown and bright blue. For a moment they lay there, breaths mingling. Then Julia tentatively pressed her lips to Rachel's, and Rachel closed her eyes to stop the spinning of the whole sky.

When Julia's lips left hers, Rachel asked, "Ah … you mean …," her voice turned soft and throaty, "I … love ….." Butterflies cartwheeled in her as bright blue eyes regarded her intently, "… blueberries?"

Julia's eyes narrowed menacingly. "You are so gonna get it for that…," Her fingers dug into the hollows of Rachel's hips. "Rachel Sofia Shepard!"

"Ahhh … ouch, no, okay, okay, stop, stop!" Rachel laughed and wriggled until she was out of breath. Finally capturing Julia's very pointy fingers, Rachel, with a twist of her hips flipped them over, pinning Julia beneath her. "Ah ha! Now it's your turn. You say it." Julia squirmed, bucking her hips, trying to throw her off. Rachel broadened her stance, getting on her knees to straddle Julia and pull her arms up over her head. "Space Ranger Shepard has you now! Say it!"

"Alright, you … big bully. Kiss me and I will." Rachel bent down slowly, to not mash noses with the still struggling Julia, who whispered, "I love …." and slowly licked her lips before finishing, "…blueberries … too!" Pulling her arms down and twisting her hips, she threw Rachel off, sprung up, and laughing, long legs flashing, raced out of sight. "Last one there is a rotten egg!"

Rachel rose and looking after her, shook her head. "You'll pay for that, Hastlewaith!" she shouted gleefully and took up the chase.

When she got to the long nets covering the blueberry bushes, she could see Julia and her brothers, Isaac and Michael, already underneath, plucking berries from the shoulder high bushes and popping them in their mouths. Syzygy, their varren, bounded between the rows. Michael rolled his eyes when she ducked under the nets. "Jay and Ray up in a tree…" he chanted. She smacked him on the back of the head. He grinned and sang even louder, "K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes tongue, then comes breasts, then comes both of you entirely undressed!" He made a vee with his fingers in front of his face and stuck his tongue out again, waggling it at the base. "Get it? Hunh?"

"Real mature, Mikey, real mature." She rolled her eyes at him and snuck a glance at Julia to see if she'd noticed or minded his crudeness. "Grow up."

"He's just jealous." Isaac often acted as an interpreter for his younger brother. "He'll never get attention from anyone like her, especially a senior." He gestured at Julia as he took off his shirt, revealing a scrawny pale chest. Tying the bottom to make a sack, he dropped the berries he picked into it. "I bet Mom would love these. Maybe Dad'll make one of those pies where he bakes the crust and pours the fruit in fresh with a sugar sauce if we take enough home."

"Good idea! Maybe Julia will help." She touched his shoulder, then ducked through a gap in the row, the thin branches scratching her arms and legs, intent on reaching Julia's side. "Hey you." She nudged Julia.

"Hey yourself." Julia nudged Rachel back. "I heard. And your Dad makes great pies. Count me in … if I can stay for dinner." Popping another berry in her mouth, she grinned and crossed her arms in front of her to reach down and grab the bottom of her shirt.

"No, don't." Rachel touched one of her hands. "Mikey will just stare at your chest and make rude comments. Let's use Zach's shirt."

Julia laughed and pulled her shirt off, revealing bikini-clad curves. "Really, Ray. It's not like I haven't gotten used to your brother by now. Don't be such a prude." Knotting the bottom she circled around the nearest bush glancing at her teasingly. Rachel joined her, her hands brushing Julia's bare sides as she claimed the kiss Julia had escaped earlier. "Ow, the branches..."

Mike popped his head through a nearby gap in the bushes. "My turn!" He closed his eyes and made a kissy face and slurpy kissy noises. "Mmmmm, mmm, mmmm." Rachel let go of Julia, walked over and pushed him lightly.

"Idiot."

"Lezzzzbian." He ducked back behind one of the bushes.

She reached through, trying to poke him. "Monkey face."

"Poopy head." Michael wriggled out of reach. Rachel laughed and threw a blueberry over the top of the bush at him. Their mother had strict rules against using obscenity, but the results often left much to be desired.

"Can you believe the terraforming turned out this well?" Julia asked, marveling at the rows filling a good quarter of the pasture. He father led the botany part of the colonization project.

Syzygy crashed through a row up ahead at that moment, and Rachel moved to intercept him. He was damaging the bushes. They'd get in big trouble for that. "Hey, bad boy! Don't do that!" Rachel yelled after him. Ducking around the end of a nearby row, she took off after him. "Hey, Syz, come here! Come here! What are you doing?" He appeared to be chasing some small flying thing. "Julia, help me! There's something trapped in here." With a leap, she tackled the squirming varren and wrestled him to the ground. Julia caught up and wrapped her fingers under his collar, leaning back and restraining him, while Rachel pursued the flying creature with more care and caution than Syz had. The bird flew a few feet to the far corner, and Rachel followed, inching up behind it, bringing up her hand slowly, catching it and holding it lightly. _It must have been very tired. Poor thing. _Its tiny clawed foot clutched at a thin filament of the net, and Rachel carefully unwrapped it before slowly standing with the little creature in hand.

"Isaac, can you take Syz?" Julia called, curious about what Rachel had caught. When he'd grabbed the varren and led it away, she went over. "What is it, Rachel?"

Rachel could feel the flutter of its heartbeat as its bright eyes regarded her. She walked toward where she could duck under the net, and Julia joined her. "What is that?"

"It's one of my dad's sparrows. He must have released them today." Rachel's father was the colony's main vet and the one in charge of the Earth animal cloning experiment. It was going to see if they could bring back creatures overpopulation had made extinct on Earth. Her dad was really excited about it. Rachel would swear his favorite words were, "biodiversity," and, "keystone species." "Invasive species," however, was mainly what he talked about. It was one of his chief concerns.

"It's so cute." Julia leaned over her shoulder to get a better look. "Are you going to take it back? It's a long way."

"It's not supposed to be under the net." Rachel frowned as she paused. "Syz almost ate it."

"Maybe it likes berries."

"No, I mean Dad said he couldn't release them yet because they are naïve."

"Naïve? You mean, like you?" Julia chuckled and grabbed Rachel's hips, pulling her back, kissing her ear. Rachel shivered.

"Don't! I might accidentally squish it!" Rachel, bright red, shook her head. "No, I mean he said that when an animal hasn't grown up in a particular environment, it doesn't know the dangers, the predators there, and so is at risk for being wiped out until it can learn. They call that naïve. Could you get the net?"

"So what are you going to do?" Julia held the edge of it high so Rachel could get through. As she slid out, Rachel bent over, protecting the bird with her body. It kept very still except for the wild beating of its heart. She suddenly felt very sure that if she tried to carry it back to the colony, it would die of fright before they got there.

"Give it a chance to learn, I guess." Rachel tossed it up into the air. The tiny bird soared like a stone in an arc up, then suddenly unfolded its wings and flew away, its dark silhouette quickly vanishing. "My Dad says, love sets you free." She fervently wished the bird would survive. The feeling of it, so light, yet so alive, remained with her. It gave her an idea for a poem. "Love may not be able to make the world a safer place, but it makes it a bigger one." Her Dad had said that to her Mom a lot before her Mom had finally voted with the rest of them to accept the colony recruitment, and he'd said it more since they'd arrived.

Julia reached and took her now empty hand. "See, you do and say things like that. That's why I chose you."

Rachel felt her face and body get warm. She looked over and smiled shyly.

"Hey, what's that?" Julia squinted, pointing to where thick, gray columns of smoke rose in the air.

Looking to where Julia pointed, Rachel frowned. "That's home!" Fear edged her voice as she dropped Julia's hand and started to run.

* * *

"I don't know what to tell you, Simon," Dr. Shepard slapped the side of the cow as he stood up, and it stepped away from him, waving its tail to flick away imagined flies. "It could be she's allergic to the pollen and will produce milk when she's adjusted to the xenobotany here. These creatures haven't been raised on colonies before. It will take time. We only projected hypothetically that they would adapt to this planet." He walked in his big green rubber boots toward the barn door, past a pen with several more cows.

Simon walked with him, his dark blue jumpsuit contrasting with the vet's white and gray lab suit. "I promised the Doc we'd have some soon to help supplement the kids' intake. There's some concern about the supplies." Simon ran his hand back through his hair, wiping the sweat off his brow as they stood in the doorway.

Dr. Shepard shrugged. "The crops have come in well, and we're getting close to harvest. It's going to be okay. Francine assures me people will pay big credits to get a taste of rare Earth foodstuffs, and we'll be able to trade with the other colonies out here. We'll be in the green soon. The kids will be fine. And in another month, we may even have viable chicken embryos. My test birds have matured nicely." He placed his hand on Simon's shoulder, his kindly eyes meeting the other man's. It had been a long anxious spring and summer setting the colony up. The equivalent of their first winter approached. "How are the girls?"

"Okay I guess, though honestly, sometimes I wish I had boys like you. Girls are hard to figure out. Christine is fighting some bug, and fuck if I know what Naomi wants. She complains no matter what. No one can tell her nothing, or make her happy." His face took on a tired, worried expression. "Your Rachel ever like that?"

"Sure, she can have quite a temper, and give me lip, but she spends enough time in sports and books to keep it mostly in check. It's a little easier when they get older. You'll see. Well, not the lip, which I'm sure she gets from the other side of the family," He laughed and winked. "but the mood swings. Plus, she's been spending a lot of time with the Hastlewaith girl, which is good and bad. She doesn't hang out with us much anymore, which means no moping about like she used to, but we have to practically blackmail or bribe her to watch the boys." They stepped out into the colony's central green. Dr. Shepard watched the sun glinting off the stacked metallic prefab units. It felt good. It was a gorgeous day.

"Hastlewaith's? That Julia?" Simon whistled. "She shaping up to be quite the stunner, like her mom. Shame about that." Julia's mother had been one of the colony's first casualties; carmitigan flu had claimed her and three others in the early spring. "Didn't know your one fancied fillies. That'll break some of the boys' hearts around here, if it sticks. With her coloring and looks, she's going to get plenty of attention. There's something about those eyes of hers… They remind me, if you don't mind my saying, of a horse I tended a few years ago. It had big, dark, soulful eyes like that, eyes that draw you in and warn you. That horse would nuzzle you one moment then kick you in the stones the next."

Dr. Shepard chuckled. Inordinately proud of his only daughter, his eldest child, he preferred to hear her praised. But he knew what his friend meant, so didn't take offense. He'd seen that look in many wild animals' eyes, that combination of intelligence and spirit, and his daughter certainly had plenty of both. He loved that about her, but he loved best her natural tenderness. She'd been volunteering in his clinics tending wounded baby animals every spring over the past five years. That tendency was probably part of her attraction to Julia right now, given Julia's mother's recent death. However, the two's friendship definitely seemed closer than any she'd had before, and she _was _sixteen, time for her to start finding these things out. "Yeah well, at this age, who knows. She and her brothers are all skinny legs and wild hair, and hard to keep up with. It'll be interesting to see where all that restless energy and fire gets them. Hopefully to whatever and whoever makes them happy. Julias or Julios, I don't care. Hey, I've got to go. See you at the community dinner?" He had one more patient to see, but, after lunch. He was heading home.

"That this week? Good!" Simon shook his hand and went back into the barn. His wife loved the bonfires and the dances that followed, and he loved when she was in a good mood.

* * *

"Thanks, Ms. Shepard." Her last pupil of the morning waved as he walked away up the path from their stacked prefab units. She waved back and turned inside, weary from the long morning's wrestling with grammar, when what sounded like firecrackers and breaking glass caught her attention. Going to the door, she opened it and stepped out, trying to place what she'd heard.

"Brian?" she called.

He turned. "Yes, Ms. S?"

"Hold on a minute." She walked out to him and looked around. "Did you hear anything?"

With a smile, he pulled a mini music player out of one ear. "Uh, no."

She laughed and ruffled his hair. "Just tell me you didn't have that turned on until after your lessons!" Everything seemed quiet as she looked around, but something was off. "Could you do me a favor and help me listen? I thought I heard something." She kept her hand on his shoulder.

"Like what?" He glanced around nervously, straining his ears, her unease contagious. She'd never been like this before. "You're starting to freak me out, Ms. S."

She was about to let him go when she saw it. An alien stepped out from behind a neighbor's prefab unit and moved toward them, four eyes black as night looking right at her, the sun glinting off the long, silver barrel of a gun in its hands. She knew enough to recognize it as a batarian, one of the most feared aliens in Terminus space. And she knew something else about them too—they took children as slaves. Pulling Brian behind her, turning to shield him with her body, she pushed him in front of her toward her home and screamed, "Run! To the woods!" She expected to be shot any second, and when she heard the gun go off, she screamed, loudly, "Help!" But no bullet hit her. Following Brian through her front door, she glanced back. "NO!" Her husband was there, struggling for the gun.

He saw her looking back. "Go!" he yelled.

She and Brian made it to the back door and then she heard the gun fire again. She whirled around and ran to her husband's attached work unit and got down the big tranquillizer gun, knocking over and breaking a few of his cages in the process. Brian cowered by the back door, uncertain of what to do. She ran back into the kitchen and looked out the window to where her husband lay face down. The batarian sauntered up the walk. With shaking hands, she loaded the gun. Brian crouched down behind the counter, and she rested the gun on it, taking cover beside him. When the front door opened, she sited and fired. The batarian screamed and clutched his face, a dart protruding from one of his lower eyes. With hissing speech, he lifted his gun. She fired again. He dropped. Brian yelled and then wiry arms grabbed her roughly from behind.

In the adjacent unit, a sparrow hopped through the debris on the floor, flew to the windowsill then away.

* * *

Air burned her lungs and her legs felt like rubber. Syzygy nipped at her heels. She stumbled to a halt and bent over, hands on her knees, head down, gasping to catch her breath. Syzygy flopped down, his tongue rolling out.

Julia caught up with them first. "Stop … please Ray … stop!" She grabbed hold of Rachel's shoulder to keep her from taking off again and leaned down to catch her breath.

Several minutes later Isaac and Michael reached them. Mike flopped to the ground beside the varren and lay on his back, his chest heaving. Isaac dropped to his knees, shirt clutched in his hands, blueberries long since scattered in his effort to catch up. He squinted at her. "Don't … just … run off … like that." Rachel could hear him wheezing. She nodded. He said, "We … should get … to the … comm. tower… sound the alarm." They'd had weekly drills for months when they'd first landed about what to do in case of emergency, especially in case of attack.

"Guns. Let's get guns!" Michael suggested weakly. He'd frequently wished he was old enough to use one in the drills. It'd been restricted to those 16 and older.

"We don't know … what's going on…. It … could be … a fire." Julia straightened. They had reached the outskirts of the colony. A silence palled the fields as smoke occasionally blotted out the sunlight. There was no one to be seen. "If it was an attack... there's no way … no one … would reach the tower."

Rachel straightened too. It had to be an attack, her every instinct screamed it, and she had to figure out how to protect her brothers and Julia. Her father. He'd know what to do. "We'll go find Dad. And we'll assume it's an attack until we learn otherwise. Come on, Mikey." She offered him her hand and helped him up. He hacked and spit up phlegm. "You okay? You're not supposed to lie down after running like that."

"Stop bossing me around." He whipped his hand out of hers. "You do it all the time."

Julia shushed them. "Let's circle around back to get to your place," she whispered. As the eldest, she figured she was in charge. The silence and desertedness disturbed her. Knowing her Dad was unlikely to be at home at this hour, and since their units were at the far end of the colony anyway, near the spaceport, she was ok with heading for Rachel's. Her parents were closer, and if her Dad wasn't home, her Mom would be. Any adult presence would be reassuring right now.

Rachel nodded and looked at the boys. "We could pretend it's a big game of ghost in the graveyard."

Isaac stood. "Ok."

"I guess." Michael rolled his eyes and sighed. He still wanted guns. Maybe he should just go get them. Syzygy could protect him.

Together they passed behind the nearby farm, crouched over, carefully peeking in windows but seeing no one, Syz trotting along. They could now smell the bitterness of the smoke, which seemed heavily chemical. There was one major lane between the farm and the arc of housing units. Isaac stepped out from behind the storage shed to head for it but Rachel pulled him down him. "We can't go out in the open," she whispered, and made them all crawl through the grass to the deep ditch beside the road. Their crawling confused Syz. He would bound up to one of them, stop and run away. Rachel was afraid he would give them away, but she didn't know what to do. Once they got to the ditch, she made them crawl in it to a drainage pipe that ran under it.

"No way. I'm not going in there," Isaac said as he looked in. "We're not even sure it's an attack." A trickle of water and purplish slush lined the bottom. His lip curled in disgust. He was sure it would be slimy. Who knew what alien crap was in it and what it could do to him. They'd had classes on colony safety, respect for indigenous species, etc. He wanted to respect the heck out of that stuff, from a distance.

"I'm hungry," Mikey whined.

"Try this," Isaac said, pointing to the slime.

"Then where is everyone?" Julia was starting to believe it really was an attack.

Rachel glanced into the drain. It was too long to make out much light from the other side, but some shone dimly there. "Fine, I'll go first. Come on." And she crawled into the pipe. The feeling of the stuff under her hands did not bear thinking about. She wished she could stop thinking about it. _Just concentrate on getting to the other end._

As Rachel's butt disappeared into the darkness of the pipe, Julia looked at the two boys. They shook their heads. "I thought boys were supposed to be brave." She frowned and followed Rachel.

Isaac and Michael looked at each other. Michael grinned, making squeezing gestures at Julia's receding butt, and followed her into the pipe.

Isaac seriously thought about just standing up and walking home. This wasn't even remotely fun anymore. He looked up at the smoke and considered the eerie quiet they'd encountered so far and made up his mind. "Wait up!" he scrambled into the cool darkness of the pipe. He definitely did not want to be left alone. Syzygy looked after him, then trotted off.

Emerging on the other side, Rachel wiped her hands on the back of her cutoffs, glad that was over.

Julia pulled herself out. "Did I get any of it in my hair? I think I did." Rachel went to help her check.

Michael grabbed the sides and launched himself out, knocking the bent over Julia down and landing on her.

"Get off me!" She pushed him away.

He curled up in a ball as he rolled off her, squinching up his face. "Waaah, waaah, waaah! Look! I was just born." He pointed back at the tunnel and grinned. "Feed me, Jules!" He made clutching, kneading gestures with his hands.

"It's Julia, you little perv!"

"Feed me, JULIA!" he grinned, puckered his lips and raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"Shut up!" Rachel whispered fiercely, standing slightly to survey the area from the cover of the ditch.

"Could you please get out of the way?" Isaac's voice was either a little shaky or still catching some of the reverb quality of talking in the pipe.

Julia stood, went over to Rachel, grabbed her shoulders, spun her around and kissed her. For a long time. With tongue.

Isaac got out of the pipe, swiping at his body to get any goo off him. "Gross, gross, gross, gross, gross…," he muttered. Michael watched the two kissing, then looked away.

"That," Julia said, finally stopping, leaving Rachel with wide eyes and parted lips, "is the only Shepard I want touching me in any way. Are we clear?" She looked at Michael, who shrugged, then back at Rachel. "So, how are we going to do this?"

_Oh right. _Rachel crawled up the bank and lay down on her stomach. The others joined her. "I think we should crawl to the back of the Richardson's. We'll have a straight shot from there." Julia lying next to her did not help her think.

"The sooner we get home the better." Isaac got up and started a crouch run to the back of the Richardson's. Rachel scanned the area, squeezed Julia's hand, and took off after him.

It seemed to take forever but eventually they made it to the back of their place. As they got closer, they saw broken glass everywhere, and the smoke smell got sweeter, but they saw no one. They didn't speak anymore, or bother to peek in any more of the units after the third they passed was deserted. The answers clearly weren't going to be found there. Rachel really hoped she'd find her Dad at home. This was starting to feel like a really, really bad dream.

"I think I smell cooking." Michael's stomach growled.

"Really, that's what you're thinking about?" Rachel looked at him disbelievingly. Though, it was an improvement over him thinking about sex, or kissing, especially him thinking about kissing Julia, especially him thinking about Julia's breasts! Oh great, now that's all she was thinking about. She groaned. _What's wrong with me?! I'm as bad as he is! _She wiped her hand up and down her face, as if that would erase the thoughts clouding her mind.

"Well, I'm hungry. It's dinnertime, and it seems like forever since we had berries, so yes, that's what I'm thinking about!" Michael retorted.

Rachel held a finger up to her lips. "You all stay here. I'll go in and see if anyone is home."

"Hey, I want to come too," Isaac said. "It's my home too."

"Yeah, why can't we come, Ms. Bossypants?" Michael asked. "I'm going too."

"I don't know! To keep Julia safe. To make sure no one sneaks up on us. Just … because I say so! You have to listen to me. Mom and Dad put me in charge!" Rachel rolled her eyes at having her authority questioned. She was the eldest.

"I don't need anyone to keep me safe!" Julia whispered fiercely.

"Please, Jules," she shook her head, "I mean, Julia, please? I just, it's just it'd be better if you all wait here. I'll be back with Mom and maybe Dad in a minute. Just wait, please, okay?"

"Well, then hurry."

"Whatever."

A nod.

With those assurances, Rachel held her hand up palm toward them as if that would keep them in place as she slunk toward the back door.

They were just about to go looking for her when she emerged about 5 minutes later, alone, her father's tranq. gun in hand. She was very pale.

"Where's Dad?"

"And Mom?…"

Julia raised her eyebrows. "What took you so long?"

Rachel shook her head, not trusting herself to speak. She was trembling uncontrollably.

"Bullshit!" From Mikey, who made as if to go check himself. Rachel grabbed his arm in a painfully tight grip, and pulled him down.

"No!" a forceful whisper.

"Mikey!" a shocked whisper, from Isaac.

"Oh, like you never swear!" Michael rolled his eyes.

"You were … right, Zach." This uncharacteristic admission from their big sister got their attention. They regarded her. Rachel had a hard time keeping her dry heaves at bay. She pressed her free hand against her stomach, willing it to stop. "We should go to the tower." She suddenly bent over and gagged loudly several times onto the grass. The other three grew very silent, and still, watching her. "And you were right, Mikey, we need guns." She felt a cold blankness, a huge stillness open inside her. There was no one to help them. Her expression told them everything they feared.

"Rae Rae?" Michael's voice cracked. Isaac bowed his head.

"I'm here," With a shaky arm, she grabbed and hugged him hard, looking back to the field. She touched Isaac's hand and looked over at Julia. She spoke just one more word, "Batarians."

Julia blanched. "Forget guns. We hide!"

* * *

Simon swayed on his knees. His hands were bound behind him and blood trickled down his face. He watched as they dragged and threw the bodies of his friends and neighbors on to the two big fires they had set in the center of town. The smell sickened him, as did the sounds. Not all of those being tossed on were dead.

So many corpses. He numbly counted the ones that lay where they'd been shot or rounded up and executed, remembering people's names, what he knew about them, to mourn, to stay sane. The aliens didn't have many uses for adult humans, apparently, and once they'd exhausted those…. He guessed they were too short-lived a species for it to pay. He heard one of the cows bellow in pain.

Dusk was falling.

The kids, his girls too, had been rounded up and dragged away. To the port probably. Leaving him with this … thing, hissing at him and hitting him with the stock of his weapon when he didn't answer. He didn't speak barbarian.

Suddenly the warning siren screamed to life. He winced at the piercing sound. Someone had managed to get to the alarm at last. If he had had it in him, he would have laughed. The alien beating him spun around and took off toward the tower. All over the square, the batarians that had lingered there rose from whatever they were doing, grabbed their weapons and headed in the direction of the sound. Maybe he would survive after all, he thought with surprise. The Alliance would surely respond to the distress signal.

The desire to rest was strong, but he staggered awkwardly to his feet, went back in the barn and cut his bonds with a mowing blade he'd left for sharpening on his worktable. He rubbed his wrists when his hands were free and considered what he could use as a weapon. Not blades against those guns, not his tools. He stumbled to his housing units and found his shotgun. They hadn't taken it.

Now, to get his girls before those beasts tried to leave. Hobbling a little, he took off at a half-run. The port was close. Darkness provided the best cover as he made his way up the riverbank below the docks. Ships were launching. There had to be some way to disable the ones left. He tried to think of a way but terrible screams suddenly filled the night, from girls or boys, he couldn't tell, and shouting, and the sound of many people running reverberated from the docks across the water. He wanted to plug his ears, the screams were so horrible, he thought he'd go mad if he heard them one more second. The loud report of a gun added to the cacophony and a few minutes later a small object, a body, dropped over the side, hitting the water not far from him with a splash. He heedlessly splashed into hip-high water, searching for it. _Don't let it be one of my girls!_

Swinging out wildly with his arms, he finally connected with something in the water, and pulled the slender body, definitely a girl, into the starlight where he could see, wiping dark hair off the pale face, to look into the empty, staring eyes of … that Shepard girl. She was still alive, somehow, but he knew that look, he'd seen that one before too—in horses that were … broken. He felt a terrible relief and pity. Blood trailed out of the corner of her mouth and flowed from her body, and she didn't seem to see him. She was likely dying, and he had to get his girls. _It would probably be a mercy to hold her under, not let her bleed out or drown slowly on her own_, he thought. He couldn't do it though. He just … let her go.

* * *

When all the noise had faded away, she saw only the stars quiet in the sky above her. She felt rocks brush beneath her as the river dragged her along and tried to dig her fingers in. The river tugged her. It felt like it washed everything off her and away. _So cold._ She couldn't hold on. The sky was a river, tugging at the stars, and they wavered, losing their hold as well. Then a shadow blotted them out and someone pulled her up, out of the river, a man in armor with dark skin, kind eyes.


	2. True

**True**

from Yehuda Amichai's _You Are So Small and Slight in the Rain_

___Your mother's curse broods at your side like a strange bird.  
You resemble that curse._

___Your room is empty. And each night your bed  
is made up again. That's true damnation  
for a bed: to have no one sleeping in it,  
not a wrinkle, not a stain__, like the cursed  
summer sky._

* * *

"Matriarch!" The headmistress hastily rose, folded her arms, clasped her elbows in her hands, held them out and bowed her neck as Benezia swept into the room. "You honor us. Please forgive my surprise, I had expected a doulous. It is good to see you, as always."

Lightly touching the headmistress' elbows with her fingertips and offering a slight nod in turn, Benezia looked around for her daughter. "My greetings, Didaskalos. I received a message that my daughter was in trouble, and came at once. Her welfare will always receive my personal attention." In her concern, Benezia had arrived in only an elegant yellow dress. Nevertheless, the way that she carried herself remained imposing, even when she didn't mean it to be. Probably nothing could change now what had so long been a habit.

"Of course, please come with me." The headmistress' silver robes whispered against the marble floor as her strides kicked them out in front of her and they swept behind her. She led the matriarch down a long hallway, up a gracefully curved staircase and finally to a large, lush courtyard classroom divided into several parts. In one corner, a biotic barrier shimmered. Behind it, a small asari sat, swinging a pudgy leg to knock her foot against the barrier repeatedly with a loud zap. The little one's arms were crossed, her chin tucked in, and her forehead pushed out, the very picture of defiance. As they drew closer, Benezia could see the scowl on her daughter's face. She found herself echoing it at her daughter's treatment, but she waited to hear what reason would be given.

Throughout the courtyard, a number of other young asari, separated by decades, sat in circles around orange-clad didacts, participating in lessons. The didact with the circle closest to the barrier was having a hard time keeping the attention of her whole group. One in the back swiveled her head and stuck her tongue out at the asari behind the barrier as Benezia and the headmistress approached. Another loud zap filled the air. Benezia bit her lip to keep from smiling. That wouldn't send the right message.

"Lalage, mind your allos," the headmistress chided.

"Yes, Dida," Lalage murmured, rising from her seat to kneel. The students stared at the headmistress and Benezia with big eyes and grew quiet. One of them had a swollen eye, and the one that had stuck her tongue out had a swollen lip. Benezia began to understand why she had been summoned.

"Did you place the chair there?" the headmistress asked.

"No, of course not." The answer came very softly.

"Very well, then. Please excuse the interruption." The headmistress strode over to the barrier. Lalage nodded and resumed her seat. It took her a little bit to regain her group's attention. Standing on the other side of the barrier, Benezia had to bite her lip again when she saw the bump on her daughter's forehead. As her daughter looked up at her, dear blue eyes burning with outrage, Benezia felt her sympathy stir, but she kept her face impassive. "Mathitis T'Soni," the headmistress said, "it does not look like you have understood your punishment, for you have continued to disrupt your class. Moving your chair and making noise do not show that you have learned anything from being placed in there. I am sending you home until you are ready to return." The barrier dissolved at the headmistress' touch. "Is there anything you would like to say to your classmates before you go?"

Liara pursed her lips and stared at the headmistress.

"Then you are dismissed."

Liara wiggled off the edge of the chair and went to her mother, a question in her eyes. Benezia held out her hand, and Liara relaxed a little as she took it. The three slowly left the courtyard without a backward glance. In the hallway, Liara relaxed a little more. They were silent until they reached the door.

"Your daughter is brilliant, Benezia, one of our best. I hope she will return when she is ready to be with the others again." The headmistress bowed. "We will await her apology."

"Until then," Benezia inclined her head. "Didaskalos." The gravel crunched underfoot as the pair made their way to the hovercar. Liara stayed obdurately silent and cross the whole way back to the estate, giving Benezia time to wonder how she had failed her daughter, that she was willing to strike others.

When they reached the estate, a doulous ran out, holding Benezia's ceremonial attire, as Benezia disembarked. Going to the car's other side, Benezia opened the panel and picked Liara up. The little one stiffened, but didn't fight being carried. "Matriarch, the assembly has called for a vote. Would you like me to take her back to the house for you?" the doulous asked. Liara burrowed into Benezia at the question, nuzzling her face into Benezia's neck, and reaching a small hand up to grasp her neck folds. It made her decision that much sweeter.

"No, I'd like for you to prepare a snack and to bring it to the beach at the back garden. Otherwise, please let us be undisturbed." Benezia strode up the long walk between rhodon bushes and into the entryway of the estate. As she passed through the central chambers and through the sets of double glass doors that opened on the back, she paused at the green hills separated into ceremonial and food gardens rolling out to the shelter of the sea. She breathed in the salty sea breeze deeply. "Look, Little Wing, it's our home." With a finger she sought Liara's chin and tilted her daughter's face up to the sun. "And now my favorite Luludenia is back in my garden." She smiled as she lightly stroked the top of her daughter's crests and was rewarded with a tiny smile in return before Liara resumed her bad mood. Benezia held her daughter and hummed as she made her way through the mazes of flowers and fountains. By the time they got to the beach, Liara watched her quietly, most traces of anger gone from her face.

Benezia's arms ached. Her daughter was growing up. Soon she'd no longer be able to carry her like this. Carefully, she set Liara down on her feet. The little one didn't want to let go, and clung for a moment to her neck. "Liara … Agapi…" Her daughter slowly relaxed her grip, and stood. Benezia took her hand and walked with her to where the waves lapped on the shore. The Naropa had a one-inch tide, and few storms, so the wave action rarely became rough. Bright yellow and orange shells dotted the white beach. Liara dug her toes into the sand and remained silent. Benezia could sense that she wanted to leave the anger behind, but didn't know how. She knew her daughter and her stubbornness well. Stubbornness took much energy, and like a river or the sea, was better to redirect or meet at its lowest ebb.

In a little while, two douli came and placed a tray with fruit, cheeses, olives, the long flat bread of the region and a pitcher of sweet water on the aquamarine glass-tiled top of the cast-iron table. When they had left, Benezia unfastened her dress and let it slide down her body. She stepped out of it and lifted her hands and fanned out her fingers to greet the sun, and brought them across her body left and right to greet the sea. Liara watched intently. Benezia bent to unfasten the top of Liara's tan tunic, knowing the fastenings were too small for her daughter's little fingers. She helped her daughter remove the tunic, undershirt, leggings, and sandals, then intertwined their fingers to lift her daughter's hands to greet the sun. Liara did the water greeting on her own, looking to her mother for approval and receiving it.

Benezia led the way into the sea and swam a little distance out, quietly, powerfully, gracefully, leaving only small ripples. Liara's legs kicked strongly and loudly, making splashes, and she paddled hard to keep her head up out of the water as she followed. Ducking her head beneath the water, Benezia waited. They had been working on this. Liara was afraid of getting her face wet, of being underwater. Benezia thought her heart would burst with pride when she saw her little one's face, eyes open, bubbles streaming from her nose and catching on her crests as she wriggled and kicked toward her underwater. Reaching out, she drew her in, and held her close as she surfaced. They both breathed in together. "Little Wing, I am so proud of you!" She squeezed her. "Do you want to fly?"

Liara's smile became a grin. She nodded.

"Ok, take a deep breath!" Liara did, ballooning her cheeks, her eyes bright in anticipation, and Benezia dove down to the bottom and kicked up, propelling them biotically into the air. She turned and landed on her back, making a big splash.

"Again, M'oula!" Liara cried, her first words since Benezia had picked her up. With a smile, Benezia complied, and they played until Liara had laughed herself hoarse. Then Benezia pulled her into the shallows by her little arms. Liara wrapped her hands around Benezia's neck, and Benezia lowered her chin until their foreheads touched. Peace settled over both their spirits. Gently, Benezia cradled her daughter in her arms and rocked her in the warm waters of the shallows, humming again the song that had come to her. Being with Liara always lifted her heart, and when she was happy she would hum or sing.

When Liara had almost fallen asleep, Benezia rose, water dripping from them both. With one arm she held Liara against her and bent, picking up her dress with her other hand and wrapping it around her daughter. Liara relaxed against her in the sun. "Do you want to drink or eat?"

"Unh unh," Liara shook her head.

"Little Wing…" Benezia chided.

"No thank you, Mitera," Liara corrected herself drowsily.

Benezia kissed Liara's cheek. "What happened at school today, Agapi? I am curious about what upset you so much." Benezia regarded her offspring tenderly and saw Liara's lip quiver.

Her daughter's blue eyes looked up at her trustingly. "They called me a bad name-karo'shame'."

"Kathroshaima?" Benezia's eyes narrowed. This wasn't just children talking; this was their parents. Ones so young should not be burdened with the prejudices of their elders. "Do you know what that means?"

"No," her daughter admitted, "but it sounded bad. They said they weren't allowed to play with me anymore, and that no one could love me because of it. But you love me, don't you, M'oula?"

"With all my heart," Benezia assured her, wishing she could shield her little one from all hurt and knowing she could not. Her arms tightened around her daughter as she considered what Liara had faced. "What did you do when they told you that?"

"I … I hit them …. with my head," Liara looked down as she admitted it. "I'm sorry."

Benezia bit her lip. The image amused her more than ever, knowing the reason, but she did not smile or laugh at her daughter's pain. Her heart ached for her daughter, and with wishing to share this moment with Aethyta. So many times … but no, such thought was pointless, and it was the source of her daughter's hurt. She closed her eyes to try to calm her fear that Liara would pay too much for her choice of mate. A conference with the Didaskalos seemed in order. "You are my katharo-_skardia_, and that is good." She touched between Liara's eye markings. "They are wrong to treat you thus, to try to hurt you, and you are wrong to hurt them back. You will need to apologize to them." After a long pause, she continued. "Liara, if I throw a stone in the water, what happens?"

Liara looked up at her puzzled by the question. "It goes plunk and makes ripples."

With one finger Benezia lightly traced the bump on her daughter's forehead. "When you strike someone, it makes ripples too, and one cannot know where they will stop. The hurt vanishes beneath the surface like the stone, but it's still there. I do not wish that for you or for anyone."

"They were being mean. I wanted them to stop." Liara pulled away a little and sat up, reliving the outrage she'd felt. "They wouldn't let me play with them anymore!"

Benezia continued to lightly stroke her daughter's face. "You are right to want to stop them from being mean. That is fair. But you can see that the way you chose to do that brought you dishonor." Liara's lower lip stuck out at that, and Benezia touched it. "I will teach you other ways, so that you will have more choices. Deliberately hurting others to get what we want is not what T'Sonis do." Benezia pointed to the sky. "Do you feel the sunlight on us? It traveled a long way, and started its journey when our ancestors were children so that all alive could feel its warmth, not just you and me." She lightly rubbed her daughter's belly. "Did you feel the water? It touches distant shores and whispers to those there as much as it whispers to us here. Violence breaks our connections with other beings, Little Wing, and should only be used as a last choice, when there are no others. We have a long time to share with many, and our being present is a gift to them as their being present is a gift to us."

Liara snuggled in tiredly. The sun had dried most of her skin off. "M'oula, what's katho'skar mean?"

"Katharoskardia," Benezia bent and kissed Liara's crests, "means I know who you really are, and I love you very much."

"All that?"

"More," Benezia insisted, and held Liara close, savoring the heavy warmth of her in her arms.

* * *

"Why can't we study at my house this time, or in the park?" Thalassa greeted the view of the car waiting to pick Liara up with dread. "It's always such a zoo at your place."

Liara gathered her datapads from her unit at the rotunda recharging station, her back to the car. "Only the downstairs, we could study in the garden, the library or my suite. They are all quiet. I have to go straight home. The Matriarch requires my presence for tonight's dinner." Liara was glad her mother had sent her that request earlier because she didn't feel entirely comfortable with Thalassa, even with Adrastia present. Something about the intense way her classmate looked at her unsettled her, made her feel self-conscious. At home, such anxiety would be more manageable. "Rasti, will you join us? I promised to help Thala. She wants to focus on the Protheans in preparation for the exam next week."

The shorter, purpler asari with the white facial markings laughed as she collected her datapads from a unit a column over. "I'm sure she does."

"What does that mean?" Liara spun to face her closest friend, frowning. She didn't like being laughed at, especially when she didn't get the joke. "Thala finds the Protheans interesting."

"Rasti…," Thalassa half pleaded.

"It means you, Liara T'Soni, are as clueless as you are adorable." Adrastia rolled her eyes at them both.

"That's not true, I know a great deal about the Protheans!" Liara stuck her datapads in her small satchel angrily, flushing.

"After five years as your friend," Adrastia tapped Liara's arm, "so do I. You two are on your own tonight."

Thalassa mouthed, "Thank you," at Adrastia behind Liara's back while Liara glared at her friend.

"You never told me you were tired of hearing about them." Liara struggled not to feel hurt, or nervous, at the way things were turning out. Through all the months that they'd been studying together, she'd never been alone with Thalassa except in very public places.

"I'm not," Thalassa interjected, hoping to distract Liara. "I could never be bored by you."

Adrastia shook her head. "Really, Liara, you are too sensitive. It's good you have an appreciative new audience to share your knowledge with, one who will _listen_, and _understand_," with each emphasized word Adrastia flashed a look of warning to Thalassa, "and _be gentle_, or she'll be very, very sorry."

Noticing the looks, Liara spun to face Thalassa with a frown, "Gentle? What does she mean? Are you two making fun of me?"

"No! Never! Rasti's just afraid I'll … uh, criticize … your … scholarship, and I won't. I don't think anyone's as brilliant as you. Can I help you with that?" Thalassa pointed to Liara's bag, laden with datapads.

"No, thank you." Liara straightened and pulled the satchel further up her shoulder with as much dignity as she could muster. "Are you ready to go?" When Thalassa nodded, the two walked to the waiting car.

Zarnak leaned on the column near Adrastia as she watched them go. "Do you think she'll finally….?"

Without a glance at the turian, the asari shrugged. "I hope. Thala dotes on her."

"She's had a crush on her for years. It's disgusting how she follows her around. If she was a turian, she would have already sorted this out." Zarnak struck a confident pose before another thought occurred to him. "Hey, do you think she's safe?"

Adrastia raised her eye markings. "Oh please, Liara can take care of herself."

"I meant Thalassa. You know, because of the curse."

Purple wisps rose off Adrastia as she rounded on her classmate. "You take that back, you stupid turian! Liara's the sweetest asari I know. It's not her fault who her parents are. She's doesn't have the curse!"

Zarnak raised his talons. "If you're not worried about it, why get so upset?"

"Because Liara knows what everyone thinks about her." Adrastia slammed the door shut on her recharge shelves. "It's why she doesn't go to any of the parties, and it's so unfair!"

"Well, maybe she knows something you don't. Otherwise, why doesn't she just prove us all wrong?"

"Someday she will, but probably not as long as she's surrounded by idiots. She'll keep choosing to be lonely instead of putting up with comments like that." Adrastia's expression was pure ice. "Goodbye, Zarnak."

* * *

An awkward silence stretched out between Liara and Thalassa in the hovercar's back seat. Eventually, Thalassa wiped the sweat off her hands onto her leggings. "You look really nice today, Liara." Thalassa wondered if the commando driver glanced at her in the rearview mirror when she said that, or the traffic.

"It's just the regular school tunic." Liara stared at her hands in her lap.

Thalassa slid a little closer to her. "Well, it looks better on you than on anyone else."

When Thalassa said that, Liara looked at her companion. "Thalassa, you're staring at me again. We talked about that."

"I can't help it." Thalassa moved a little closer. "You do something to me."

"I do not." Liara watched with concern as Thalassa slid her arm along the top of the seat behind her.

"Don't worry. It's something good," Thalassa said softly.

Liara found Thalassa's gaze almost hypnotizing. She swallowed. When Thalassa's thigh brushed against her own, Liara jumped. "What?"

"Being near you makes me feel warm all over and happy, like I could burst into a thousand tiny silarin and land all over you." Thalassa's hand reached out and brushed Liara's cheek as she leaned in closer.

"Thala, that's …" Liara's breathing grew shallow and rapid, "… kinda creepy."

Thalassa's half-closed eyes flew open, and she stared into Liara's very blue, very close eyes in dismay as her words registered. "Oh!" She swallowed and pulled back. "I'm sorry." She blushed furiously. "Yeah, I guess it is … it would be … to you. I'm just, it's um. I can't seem to say anything right. Silarin … maybe I have them for brains ... ha, ha, ha …"

Liara bit her lip. She found Thalassa's awkwardness rather charming, but didn't want to laugh at her and risk hurting her feelings. "It's ok. I didn't mean to criticize. I'm sorry." She patted Thala's leg. "Now you can tell Adrastia that it was I who was not gentle."

Thalassa's nervous laughter turned into a cough, as she suddenly choked. Liara patted her back. She realized with surprise that the car had stopped. "Oh, we're home." The driver had left unnoticed too. How odd. She turned to her companion with a smile as she pressed the door's release.

"Do you think we could stay here a minute?" Thalassa grabbed her hand. "We've never really had the chance to talk before without other people around."

"I didn't realize you were so nervous about being around other people." Liara looked at her sympathetically. "I understand. That happens to me sometimes too. Come on, we can go to my suite, and it will be just the two of us, and you can relax." Liara gently pulled the other asari toward her as she stepped out of the car. Liara held Thalassa's hand as they walked up the main path. She squeezed it as they drew near the doors. "Don't worry, just follow my lead," she whispered reassuringly.

Douli opened the main doors for them, and Liara wove among the noisy crowd of dignitaries and attendants to the main stairs, bowing and offering greetings when necessary, until she'd led Thalassa up through the second floor's quieter rooms to her suite. She finally let go of her friend's hand to key in her security code, and then the two were in her chambers. Liara let out a big sigh, dropped her satchel on the table in her study and stretched. Thalassa watched intently.

"Go ahead, put your stuff down and spread out. Get comfortable. Do you want anything? I can order from the kitchen." Liara ducked into the next room. "Give me a moment to change, and I'll be back."

Thalassa licked her dry lips, set her bag down on the table and slowly walked around the room. Her hand still tingled from where Liara's had touched it. To try not to think about Liara being naked in the next room, she paced, rubbing her hands down her legs again to wipe off more sweat.

When Liara emerged, she had exchanged her school tunic for a simple, elegant white top that perfectly flattered her figure. Thalassa felt very warm. "You look … amazing."

"Thank you. It was a gift from my mother." Liara went to the table and unpacked her datapads, sorting through them. It took her a few minutes to notice that Thalassa hadn't moved and was staring at her top. "Are you…? Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like to borrow something to wear? You probably get tired of going around in a uniform all the time too."

Purple to the tips of her crests, Thalassa nodded. Liara marveled that she had never noticed how extremely shy the other was. It was rather endearing. In her bedroom, sunlight streamed through large, open, glass doors that led out to a balcony. Liara tapped the wall panels to her wardrobe, selected a few shirts and brought them over to Thalassa, who stood just inside the room. "How about one of these?" Liara felt strange when her friend pulled her tunic off and wasn't wearing anything underneath. "Excuse me, I'll give you some privacy." She slipped past the other and went out on her balcony, closing her eyes and letting the sunlight relax her. It took her completely by surprise when she felt soft warm lips on her neck folds a moment later, and Thalassa's bare arms wrap around her. A flood of warmth flowed up and down her, and her knees felt weak as Thalassa's tongue slid along the crevice of one of the folds of her neck. She gasped. She had never felt sexual pleasure before, and had not known it could be so sweet and strong and sudden. Her body felt on fire. Thalassa groaned as Liara trembled when she cupped Liara's breasts.

"Goddess," Liara whispered. Suddenly she understood what Thalassa had meant about bursting into a thousand silarin. Her body seemed to be doing that now under the hands and mouth touching her. All coherent thought left her. She did not know how she wound up lying on the ground with Thalassa on top of her, kisses fevering her. Thalassa's mouth pressed against hers as the other asari's fingers stroked her neck. She rolled on top of Thalassa to get up, panting heavily, and could feel Thalassa's heat under her own. Without thinking, she pushed against her and each time the pressure and friction created a sensation sweeter than the last. Suffused with embarrassment at her instinctive response, she rolled away. Her legs wouldn't hold her when she tried to stand. On her hands and knees, she panicked. "What have you done to me?"

Thalassa sat up, out of breath and glowing. "You're ok. That happens with some pleasures. Didn't you like it?"

Liara looked at her with wide eyes. "Yes, but I didn't mean to." The rush of blood from her head had left her mind swimming with dizziness. "I've never…."

"I know," Thalassa touched Liara's hand. "I've been waiting. I've been hoping someday you'd notice me, but you didn't until this year." She felt nervous when Liara didn't say anything or look at her. "This wasn't how I wanted to tell you how I feel about you. I tried so many ways. You never seemed to understand." Her heart pounded in her throat. "Please don't be mad at me for kissing and touching you. I'll leave right now and never talk with you again if that's what you'd like."

"Adrastia knew. That's what you meant." It didn't seem like her legs would ever work again, but at least she was starting to catch her breath. "About being gentle." Liara looked over at Thalassa at last, now recognizing the tension stirred in her at the sight of Thalassa's breasts as desire. She wanted her; this was what that felt like. "Our bodies joining." She felt stupified from their touching, and flushed, acutely embarrassed at her response, at her lack of control.

Thalassa looked at her pleadingly.

"It's not safe." Liara looked at the ground. "I'm kathroshaima. It would be better for me to never know such pleasures, so that I cannot miss them. And it would be better for you not to touch me." She struggled to her feet, with the help of a chaise on the balcony.

"I know your parents were asari..." Thalassa tried to get to her feet and failed.

After a moment's hesitation, Liara shakily went and helped her up. "I won't risk hurting anyone that way."

Thalassa clasped Liara's hand. "Touching you a moment ago didn't hurt me. You don't need to be afraid of who you are. Few with asari parents even have the condition. You're letting fear lock up a big part of you, to keep you from knowing love and pleasure. I did a paper on it. I can send it to you."

Liara pulled her hand free. "You did a paper … on me? On whether I could be a … a … monster?!"

"Please don't do this. Please!" Thalassa wobbled, but steadied. "You've always been kind to me and everyone else, even people who didn't deserve it. You don't deserve this fear. What you're afraid of about yourself isn't real."

"The … the Ardat-Yakshi," Liara whispered, "are real, and so is the damage they can do. Would you be willing to risk having your soul eaten to be with me?"

"Yes." Thalassa stared into Liara's glistening eyes. "If the day came, far, far in the future, I would not be afraid. I'd be honored."

"Then I already am a monster," Liara buried her face in her hands. "I've done something to you that made you want me to harm you."

"No, no, Liara, I'm in love with you," Thalassa said softly as she pulled her resisting classmate close, awkwardly embracing her. "Love sees what's true, and doesn't run from shadows." Liara's lips were salty and warm.

After a few minutes, Liara pushed her away. "Does it also refuse to put on the clothing it borrows?"

Thalassa smiled and nodded. "Probably."

"And keep its hands to itself?"

"Sometimes."

"And what does it really think about the Protheans?" Liara regarded her seriously.

"That they are very lucky to receive so much of your attention." Thalassa managed to look so sincere.

With a small smile, Liara said, "Thalassa, they are extinct."

"Thank the Goddess for small favors." Thalassa grinned back.

Liara pushed her arm. "That's a terrible thing to say. The Protheans were a great people."

Backing into the bedroom, Thalassa draped herself on Liara's bed with an impish grin. "I live to be taught by you, Professor T'Soni."

Liara bit her lip and walked to the doorway into the study. She looked back over her shoulder at Thalassa. "Then when you're dressed and ready to listen, you know where to find me."

Thalassa watched the sway of Liara's hips as she walked away. She was in so much trouble.


	3. A White Ship

**A White Ship**

from Yehuda Amichai's _The Visit of the Queen of Sheba_

_Among the shadows, a white_

___ship with a cargo of yearnings,  
some temperate, some burning,_

_a ship that desire launches,  
a ship without a subconscious.  
_

* * *

Doctor Karin Chakwas ran through the inventory a third time to make sure the full order had been delivered. Anderson had said they would face frontline action and to prepare accordingly. Since they'd met during the Battle of Shanxi and had served together aboard the _SSV Einstein_ in the Terminus Systems, she took his warning seriously. Whatever he'd call frontline action would require lots of medigel and surgical supplies. She caught herself watching the door again. The honor of being personally requested to serve as chief medical officer on the System Alliance's new flagship, the _SSV Normandy_, could have been reason enough for her well-concealed excitement, but it was not the whole reason. Most of the crew who hadn't already arrived, reported today, for they would disembark from Arcturus Station at 1800 hours. That included the new XO. When Anderson had told her whom he'd chosen, she'd been intrigued. The last time she'd heard of Rachel Shepard was after the then 22-year-old lieutenant had saved Elysium during the Blitz.

"It's so cool! We have the most decorated CO in Alliance history and a famous XO. They've probably been at the front of every major and important military action in our time, and now we're serving with them!" Corporal Richard Jenkins practically bounced with excitement as he waited with a few others for required boosters. Chakwas smiled at his enthusiasm.

"Have you met either of them yet?" Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko had a quiet calm in comparison, an appealing steadiness, as he turned to the third man in line, Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau.

The Flight Lieutenant shrugged. He was tired of breathing in the Staff Lieutenant's cologne or aftershave or pomade. It reeked, whatever it was. "Screw command. Look at this ship!" His voice went up a little on the last word. "Sleek lines, improved FTL, the latest drivecore and new stealth technology. I can't wait to see how she handles."

Given his posture and comments, this must be the pilot with Vrolik's, Chakwas realized. While attendants supplied boosters to those in line, she went over and scanned him. "Lieutenant Moreau, I'm Doctor Chakwas. Let's set up your treatment schedule."

"I know! I know! Right?" With his blond hair, Jenkins reminded Chakwas of a young yellow Labrador as he bounded closer to Moreau. "Stealth technology and officers with covert missions training. More than half the things the Captain has medals for are classified, and the Commander has spent the past seven years in N-school. Seven years spec ops! An N7 like the Captain! We're going to do big things—great things!" One of his arms smacked an ensign waiting beside him, as he gesticulated. "Maybe we'll _all_ get medals!" Once upon a time, Chakwas remembered feeling like that, very long ago.

Alenko finally smiled. "Is this your first tour, Corporal?"

"I've never been on a stealth frigate before!" The attendant swabbed Jenkins arm and positioned the applicator. After a moment, Jenkins rubbed his arm to take the ache of the shot away and grinned. "I can't believe I got so lucky!"

Meanwhile, Chakwas had seen to the pilot's special combination of shots herself. She twisted the empty vial of his medicine off the applicator and dropped it in the hazardous waste chute. "You're all set for now, Lieutenant Moreau."

"Call me Joker. Everyone else does." The pilot pulled his cap down low and started toward the door.

"I'd prefer to call you Jeff." Chakwas was not one for using call signs.

He shrugged. "Alright. See you, Doc." With that, he slowly limped out of the room.

"Doctor, may I speak with you?" Alenko's dark brown eyes held telltale marks of pain.

Chakwas' eyes moved from Jeff to where Alenko's implant could be seen. "Of course."

* * *

Captain David Anderson stood with his hands clasped behind his back. Finally, his own ship, whatever crew he wanted. This was the next step, what he'd worked his way up the ranks for, a peach assignment and the level of command he most wanted. "Understood, Hackett. It's the perfect mission for Shepard to start to prove herself to Nihlus and the Council. She's ready."

"I trust your judgment, Anderson. Get it done. Hackett out." The image of Hackett's face faded off his personal view screen.

Anderson pushed a button on the side of the screen. "Pressly, it's time. Are all aboard?"

"Everyone but Shepard has logged in, sir. There's no sign of her yet. Wait, here she is. Looks like she's headed for the bridge."

"Prepare to disembark." He pushed another button. "Lieutenant, make way. Let's give this bird her wings."

"Roger that, captain. Since this is our maiden flight, do you want to…"

"Negative, the Commander has the honor." He smiled at the thought. She'd done well for herself, and he was very proud. He was looking forward to working with her. "Keep on schedule. Our guest may join her."

"Yes, the Hero of the Blitz and a turian Spectre…." Joker's comment sounded like a question.

Anderson smiled again as he cut the connection. He recognized the subtle shift of the deck beneath his feet, and picked up the image of his son from its position beneath the monitor on his desk. It might be awhile before he saw Jason again, but the recent visit had been nice, real nice. He smiled as he thought about how excited Jason had been and the baseball game they'd gone to two nights ago. Warm air, cool beer, hot dogs, bright lights and the excitement of a close game had been one of their best times together. The distinctive stutter of an FTL jump went unnoticed as he remembered the ease of their conversation, buying his son a beer, and cheering on the team. The quality time with Jason had more than compensated for the awkwardness of seeing Cynthia with Henry. That thought led him to others of Kahlee Sanders.

The door chime sounded.

"Enter."

Nihlus Kryik walked in. "Are there any updates?"

The subharmonics of the turian's voice grated on Anderson. Thoughts of Kahlee and the whole situation with Nilhus judging Shepard's candidacy to become a Spectre reminded him of his experience with Saren. This would turn out differently, he would make sure of that. "The Flight Lieutenant will scan to establish a sit rep once we're closer."

The comm. crackled to life. "Captain, brace yourself, Nihlus is headed your way."

"He's already here." Why were pilots usually so cocky? "Tell the Commander to report to the conference room for a debriefing." Anderson cut the channel.

Nihilus showed no sign of having noticed the interruption. "That's good. Meanwhile, the Council asked for a word with you, alone."

Anderson returned to his monitor as the turian left.

* * *

"My Lady!" Shiala whispered as loudly as she could, but across from her in the central cell, the slumped form of Lady Benezia did not move in her shackles. Her eyes remained closed. "Mitera!" She summoned a small biotic bubble, feeling shards of pain in her mind as she did. It was hard to concentrate enough to use biotics on this ship. She needed Lady Benezia again to help her keep the ship's voices at bay. With effort, she managed to push the bubble into Lady Benezia's cell before she lost her ability to maintain it. From where her palm touched the dark metal floor, the voices ran through her like electric current, hot and locking her muscles. She struggled, unable to break her skin's contact with the floor.

Whispers and moans rose from the other cells that lined the edges of the hall as well, where the surviving acolytes had been placed, one to a cell. She knew they must be feeling the pain too. In the low light, Shiala could make out huddled shapes on the floors of the nearest cells. Lady Benezia alone was shackled in the raised central cell so they all could see her. Once Saren had figured out that Lady Benezia had been shielding them, he had split them up and concentrated all efforts on breaking her, leaving the rest of them to the influence of the voices and the despair of being unable to help her. When they still had strength, Lady Benezia had ordered, then begged, them to leave, to escape if they could, but they would not abandon her. By binding Lady Benezia, Saren bound them all.

Red light pulsed along the flexible silver coils that ran down inside the cells' jagged bars and along seams in the floors and walls where the plates didn't quite connect. Shiala associated the voices with the pulses. When the pulses thrummed, like now, the voices grew louder, until she could almost make out words. She was not surprised when the doors opened at the far end of the room, and Saren returned, a phalanx of geth behind him, their headlights bobbing as they marched. The voices always increased in volume before he appeared. Saren strode to Lady Benezia's cell. His body gleamed with synthetic parts, a faint red glow sliding over them. Every bit of damage Lady Benezia had done to him had been repaired. The geth took up posts along the hall, weapons ready. He palmed the door open and entered the cell, a cold, white light illuminating it from the top as he did. She stirred.

"The time has come for you to be of use. Wake up!" Saren's voice was a growl and a command. He grabbed Lady Benezia's cheeks tightly between his talons and lifted her head in its harness. Anger surged through Shiala. "I'm going to take this off you, and if you serve well, you will not have to wear it again. If you try anything..." With his other talons, he loosened the screws that held the metal harness in place, easing it off Lady Benezia's head. Shiala shuddered at the sight of the burn marks it had left on the Lady Benezia's chin, cheeks and crests. Saren turned Lady Benezia's head left and right, examining them. Deep blue patterns webbed Lady Benezia's skin where it had bubbled under the intense electrical current. "What a shame to permanently damage one so beautiful." With the harness completely off, Saren forced her head up. "Was that wise, to bring that on yourself? You make this more difficult than it has to be."

Shiala could see Lady Benezia's hard, flat expression as she returned his gaze. "It is not too late, Saren." The shackles that had confined her arms and ankles to the chair released on his voice command, and she massaged her wrists to get the blood flowing to them again. "Together we can find a way to stop the Reapers."

The voices rose in volume, their sibilance hissing around the room until at last their echoes faded. "You are wrong. Sovereign cannot be stopped. If I tried," regret sounded in the turian's voice, "there would be nothing of me left. If you keep resisting, that will be your fate, complete indoctrination. You will do his bidding either way. Benezia … please. I ask you as a friend. Choose to work with us, with your skills and position you could be of tremendous use, and then he will let you keep your mind. Its loss would be the greatest crime, worse even than this." His talons tightened on her cheeks again.

In answer, her hands shot up and each grabbed a mandible. Blue wreathed her as she created a warp. "You are no friend of mine!" That instant red lightning arced from the cell's bars, the walls and even Saren's metallic face. It lanced into Lady Benezia and threw her back against the bars, where the current held her shaking against them with its force before it dissipated and she dropped to the floor.

Saren went to the fallen Matriarch, grasped one of her wrists, and slowly lifted her up. With a talon he traced her jawline. "Your gentler efforts to turn me I liked much better." She panted to catch her breath. "But it doesn't matter. You can't hurt me any more. I've been upgraded." He released her, and to prove his point, turned his back on her to address his other asari prisoners. "You have long followed the Matriarch to protect her and to follow her guidance on Athame. She needs your help now. Sovereign is the real Athame. Open your minds and you too can hear his voice. Listen to him, and he will forgive your errors and guide you. Know Athame's true light!" He glowed as he spoke. "Welcome your salvation! Then you can help the Matriarch!" The red light pulsed brighter and faster.

"Blasphemy!" Lady Benezia yelled hoarsely. "Lies! There is nothing holy about the Reapers."

He turned and knocked her off her feet with a swift and powerful backhand. Only her biotics kept her from further injury. Without looking at her, Saren bent and picked her headdress off the floor and threw it to her. "Make yourself presentable. Resist again, and I will invent worse punishments next time." He gestured to the body of Varda, one of her acolytes, impaled on a nearby spike. He had ordered the geth to test the tall retractable spike devices on several of her acolytes, then left their bodies there and not let her give them rites. "Tell me, have I given you reason to doubt my word?"

"Not about that," Lady Benezia said thickly.

"Benezia," a pleading note entered his voice every time he said her name. "This is your chance to change the future. Your choices will shape events for millennium to come, and the fate of your people. Think of them and the other species. Lead them into the new age. Negotiate to spare what lives you can, including your own. Don't waste this opportunity." He pushed the cell door open and waited. She placed her headdress on without a wince and walked stiffly out in front of him. Shiala's heart broke to see the ceremonial garb worn to remind Saren of the Matriarch's official role and importance among the asari used to cover the marks of her torture. Lady Benezia did not turn, but Shiala saw her glance flicker over. As Lady Benezia was escorted out, Shiala wrenched her hand off the floor and stood, honoring her. The others still capable did too. They did not know if they would see her again. Around them, the whispers grew.

* * *

"Think you can handle a little jump, Commander?" The pilot, Pierson, looked back at Shepard with a grin. After flying the Commander to many N-School missions requiring free fall insertions, he knew the answer. "For old time's sake?"

"Would it be too much to ask to allow me to start my new posting with dignity?" Shepard leaned against the side of the shuttle, arms crossed, ignoring the winds whipping through the open door beside her and ruffling her short hair. It found no purchase on her new form-fitting armor with the prominent red stripe and the N7 she had worked so hard to earn.

"The way I look at it—why start now?" A particularly strong gust required his attention to keep the shuttle level and on point. "You wouldn't want to give your new crew the wrong impression."

"Remind me to kill you later for this." Shepard stepped to the edge, her back to it, knees slightly bent to avoid being bucked. "You know, they usually give us parachutes."

"Parachutes are for sissies. You're an N7 now." He concentrated on keeping the shuttle low enough, watching the wake of the engines clear a spot of foot traffic on the Arcturus docking ramp below. People moved out of the way and stopped to look up at the shuttle's unorthodox behavior. "Drop zone's clear. Better get going. It's 1800."

"I hope my new crew isn't as insubordinate. Stay sharp out there." With a deep breath, she let herself fall backwards out of the shuttle.

"I'll miss you too. Stay frosty…" He watched her rotate slowly in a backflip to land on her feet on the docking platform a mere 50 feet below. She bent her knees to a deep crouch and steadied herself with one hand. "Only 6 points for that landing. Don't tell me you've already forgotten how to do it." He knew she could hear him because of his headset.

"Fuck you, Pierson." As Shepard rose, she stifled a grimace at the soreness of her knees, and refrained from rubbing them or flipping off the pilot, for the sake of appearances. Her dramatic entrance had drawn all eyes. Even if it was the only way she wouldn't have been late, she had not wanted to make such a spectacle of herself. She got enough attention as it was.

"I'd thought you'd never ask. M'am, yes, m'am!" Shepard looked up, saw his salute and cocky grin, and saluted him back. She shook her head as he flew off and she strode toward the _SSV Normandy_.

* * *

Kaidan felt the air pressure change and turned in his seat to see the new XO step onto the bridge. Appearing in N7 armor, flaunting the coveted red stripe and bristling with weapons came across as showboating in his book. Surely that wasn't necessary. She could have been in uniform like everyone else, and not have kept them waiting. He dialed up the secondary relay controls and, with a glance and a nod from Joker, confirmed jump calculations. He really hoped she wasn't one of those heroes who are so full of themselves that they make life miserable for everyone around them with their self-important style and endless stories of their own exploits. As far as he was concerned, she'd damn well better have the chops to back up her tardiness and big reputation. Standing there, arms akimbo, supervising their departure, she'd already gotten his back up a little, but he reminded himself to give her a chance, to stay curious instead of, well, annoyed. Maybe she'd been afraid of being outdone by Nihlus. The turian was a Spectre, and also armored, armed and ready. They made quite the pair. Okay, he was curious. After everything the Corporal had said, the stories people had been recounting for days, the vaguely remembered vids, he had expected someone taller, and not so close to his age.

Beside him Joker ran through all the checks and announced their arrival in the Terminus Systems, then bristled at Nihlus' lack of acknowledgment for his stellar flying almost before the turian had left the bridge.

"It wasn't like I'd remembered to zip up my flightsuit after leaving the bathroom. I jumped us halfway across the galaxy with an accuracy nothing short of incredible, and all he says is, 'that's good?!' I hate him already. Spectres are trouble. I don't like having one on board. Call me paranoid."

Kaidan gladly obliged. "You're paranoid. The Council helped fund this mission. They have the right to send someone along to oversee their investment."

"That's just the cover story. Right Commander? And only idiots believe the cover story."

"They don't call in Spectres to do routine runs." The Commander's voice appealed to Kaidan, as did the calmness in how she held herself. She had a kind of presence.

"So there is more to it!" Joker pressed the button for the Captain's intercom. "Captain, brace yourself, Nihlus is headed your way."

"He's already here!" Anderson's annoyance was obvious. "Tell the Commander to report to the conference room for debriefing."

"You hear that, Commander?"

"Yes. Time to go find out what the real mission is." Some of the energy left the room with her.

Joker caught Kaidan watching the Commander's departure. He snickered. "She does bring nice _assets_ to the crew."

* * *

Chakwas hovered with Jenkins by the entrance to the conference room in hopes of catching a glimpse of the new XO. Curiosity had been eating her up, and she hadn't wanted to wait until routine duties brought them in contact. Her excuse would be wanting to see how this strange new design of a ship worked, and to get a sense of the crew she was responsible for, if anyone asked why she wasn't in the medbay.

It was and wasn't hard to recognize the Commander when she moved through the CIC. There was the armor, and she was older. She looked to be in top physical shape. While the Commander stopped to talk with Pressly, Chakwas considered her. The only signs of what she'd been through currently visible were the scar running down her left cheek, a souvenir from Elysium, and the slight asymmetry of her shoulders. To Chakwas' experienced eye, it revealed the woman had likely broken her clavicle and dislocated her right shoulder at some point. The rifle wound she had treated all those years ago had been on the left shoulder, not the right. No trace of the girl she'd treated so long ago remained, apparently.

When the Commander approached and stopped to talk with her and Jenkins, however, Chakwas could tell that wasn't entirely true. Something about her eyes and the way she conveyed a deep inner stillness even when in motion, those reminded Chakwas very much of the patient who had so long haunted her, the new orphan, one arm in a sling, her other hand clutching Anderson's, refusing to speak or cry, standing in the midst of the rows of cots where the bodies of all her family and friends had been placed. How strange life was to bring the three of them back together again. It gave her some comfort to see the devastated, wounded child now a confident, healthy woman and a leader of men. Truly, the resilience of the human spirit and body, and of this particular individual, were amazing. The capacity for self-healing far surpassed what she offered as a physician, which was merely to assist the body and mind in that effort. Seeing Commander Shepard gave her a sense of hope. It was an affirmation of life.

* * *

Nihlus was waiting when the Commander entered the conference room. The room felt the least turian on the entire ship, with its openness and lack of hierarchical seating, but the oddness was not enough to make him feel uncomfortable. He'd travel too far and wide for that. He was good at sizing up people, and this Shepard intrigued him. Humans were so small, but he knew that didn't indicate the amount of fight in them. The round, little heads and extra digits always took some getting used to. They looked like small, in this case, albino, crest-less asari, yet could act like krogan. However, he had learned to judge them by their actions, not their appearances. This female had an impressive scar down her left cheek that suggested a connection between the two in her life. The unredacted files on her the Council had provided had given him a sense of her. He wanted to feel her out, to see if he understood what made her tick. "Commander Shepard, I was hoping you'd get here first. It gives us a chance to talk."

"Why don't we wait for the Captain." The human appeared to be sizing him up as well.

"He's on his way." Nihlus paced in front of her. "I'm curious about this world we're going to, Eden Prime. I've heard it's quite beautiful."

"I wouldn't know." She didn't rush to judgment. It might even be the truth.

"You're not knowledgeable about colonies in the Terminus System?" That got her attention.

"I've never been to Eden Prime." So much control. Her past was her past then.

"But you've heard about it, certainly? It's become a symbol, proof that humanity cannot only establish colonies but protect them."

Her eyes narrowed, but she showed no other sign of emotion. Perhaps she could make a decent Spectre. He'd heard humans were generally more hasty.

"But how safe is it really?" He purred as he turned away.

She took a step toward him, he could hear it. So protecting human colonies mattered to her. There was no surprise in that. "Do you know something?" Her voice showed no fear, just a hint of hostility, or perhaps, concern.

"Your people are still newcomers, Shepard. The galaxy can be a very dangerous place."

She said nothing, just gave him a wry, cynical look. Again, unimpressed. This was going to be interesting.

"Is the Alliance truly ready for this?"

Anderson stepped into the dim light of the room. "I think it's about time we told the Commander what's really going on."


	4. Black Diamond Eyes

**Black Diamond Eyes**

from Yehuda Amichai's _Gifts of Love_

_I covered your skin with a pink chiffon,  
transparent as baby lizards—the ones with  
black diamond eyes on summer nights.  
…_

_You gave me a letter opener made of silver.  
Real letters aren't opened that way;  
they're torn open,  
torn, torn._

* * *

Only force of habit kept Benezia from propping her chin up with her hand as Matriarch Melete addressed the Armali council. As the eldest, the Matriarch had the right to the final word. Many fought drooping eyes and wandering attention as the deliberations' sixth hour wore on. As a matron, Benezia had spoken long before, when the floor had been open to her cohort.

Melete's holograph shimmered in the lowest circle of the hall's concentric tiered rings. Above her, the white stone roof rose many stories, to lift gazes and spirits high, and symbolize their reliance on the leadings of the Goddess. Benezia finally gave up attending to Melete's words to focus on where the roof's line drew her eyes. This final speech would only delay the vote. Those in the room had already decided, Benezia could feel it. Melete's motive for delaying alone remained unclear.

A visiting matriarch in the ring below her leaned back and for a moment Benezia feared she would be admonished for her change of focus. However, the matriarch whispered up to her, "I will be as old as the Goddess by the time she wraps up."

Benezia inclined her head to acknowledge hearing, but did not engage. A side conversation would show Melete disrespect, more disrespect than not listening. Benezia stifled a sigh. The visitor's viewpoint had her sympathies, but she found her gaze drifting back to a stranger a quarter of the circle away from her. The stranger wore Armali colors, but Benezia didn't remember seeing her before, and the stranger had been staring at her boldly since Benezia had risen to speak. At first she'd thought the stranger must disagree with her and be waiting a chance to rebut her, but when she had calmly returned the stranger's regard, the other had made a point of staring at Benezia's chest. Such attention was not uncommon, it was one of her more admired features, but the brazenness of the regard was much less common. Her people generally prized subtlety. Accustomed to more discretion, Benezia found the stranger's attention amusing and pleasantly less abstract than the proceedings.

They were staring at each other when the assembly started to rise, and Narissa touched her arm. "Will you join me for refreshments before we reconvene to vote?"

With a warm smile, Benezia stroked her friend's arm. "I would like that." She enjoyed Narissa's company; her friend had such a gentle spirit.

The matriarch who had whispered to her during proceedings now rose and turned to them. "Matron, I would like to hear more about your ideas for regulating the contracts of Armali's biotic amp manufacturers. Your vision of how their current proposals could affect Thessia as a whole intrigued me. The weaknesses you highlighted had not occurred to the other poli we consulted."

Benezia bowed slightly, acknowledging the compliment and the speaker's rank. "Matriarch, you do me too much honor. The poli's strength lies in local analysis, where decisions are made most frequently. Any xenix could have noted what I did. In fact, having esteemed leaders join us from far afield provides us with our greatest opportunity to understand the concerns of those beyond our immediate borders."

"Well spoken." The matriarch swept her with an approving look. "You saw so clearly even though this is your own polis; you show the wisdom of a matriarch. Intriguing." The visitor held her hands out, fingers together and up. "You may call me Terilene."

Benezia touched the tips of her fingers to the other's. "They call me Benezia. Well met and welcome." Around them, others rose, stretched, chatted and laughed as the room cleared out. "Would you like to join us?"

Terilene smiled. "Yes." Several others had been hovering to talk to Benezia, but they were matrons and drew back in deference before a matriarch. Still, a small crowd followed Benezia as she and Matriarch Terilene led the way down the long white stone ramp to the hall, and the restaurants.

Long and wide, the hall had several tiers. On the highest, the restaurants clustered at the two far ends, on the west end, offering an enormous sun-drenched balcony with a view of the sea. The large rectangular area in the middle was dotted with various arrangements providing for more intimate conversations and possibilities. On its top tier, semi-circular white stone benches arranged discrete distances from each other were granted some privacy by the trellises set around and over them. Purple, red and orange bazurita vines twisted up the trellises in pleasing variety. A further level down, sinuous paths could be glimpsed between the delicate and fast-growing frenel trees that during this season had been shaped to reflect local fauna in preparation for Janiris celebrations. More bazurita-laden trellises secluded islands of sunken circular tables on the lowest level, and golden and silver lights shone up through tiny gaps in the trellises covering other sunken islands where the weary or enamored could bask together in the flow of warm springs. Everywhere the wealth of Armali was evident.

By the time they reached the restaurant on the balcony, quite a large group had gathered and settled around the tables to order food and drink. Benezia excused herself after giving her order, and the others smiled at her and moved out of the way as she threaded through them toward the facilities.

The sound of running water from the room's fountain soothed her, and Benezia breathed in the scent of the cut bazurita floating in it. It was a welcome oasis of peace. When she emerged to wash her hands, it didn't surprise her to see the stranger in Armali colors leaning against the wall.

"There you are." The stranger's voice was gruff in an appealing way, her facial skin devoid of markings.

"Yes," Benezia bent and dipped her fingers in the water, then her hands.

The stranger stepped closer. "Don't you ever get tired of all the talking?"

"Like now?" Benezia rubbed one hand over the other, slowly, gracefully.

"That's not what I'm here for." The stranger took two more steps, stopping close beside her.

Cupping a floating blossom in her hand, Benezia lifted it and let the water trickle away between her fingers. "You're very direct."

"I know what I want."

Benezia could feel the stranger's mind reach for hers, and pushed it back. "Do you think it's that simple?" She turned.

The stranger had amber brown eyes and a crooked smile. "I don't want simple. I want you." She ran one hand slowly up Benezia's arm, to grasp her elbow. "What do you want?"

Without moving or changing her gaze, Benezia answered, "Peace."

The stranger snorted. "That's a load of shit."

Benezia's gaze remained calm and steady.

The stranger seemed unimpressed. "You want to feel alive."

Benezia's mouth tightened momentarily. "Who are you to tell me what I want?"

"I've watched everyone treat you like a princess, and you're not even a matriarch yet." The stranger ran her opposing hand up Benezia's opposite arm, gripped that elbow and stepped toward her, pushing her back. Benezia let her. "They fawn on you, suck up, bury you in words." Benezia felt her back hit the door to one of the stalls, and it swung open. "You can't eat words, princess. They won't fill you." The stranger pressed Benezia's back against the side of the stall. "They won't keep you warm at night," The stranger pressed against Benezia, the stranger's voice becoming a husky whisper, "or now."

Benezia considered the sensation. "And you think you could?" she whispered. Her voice returned to normal volume after a moment's pause. "This was amusing, but I'm not some maiden, to join in haste in a public restroom."

"I know, your highness," the stranger growled, her eyes going black, "but I could make you feel like one."

Benezia choked on her answering laugh as the stranger's mind enveloped hers. A powerful will swirled with fiery impetuous passion to press in on all sides, testing, tightening, thick with desire. The turbulence and strength of it surprised her. Its fierceness, its shivers of purple and reverberating hungry resonances aroused her with its promise of an accompanying immediate, electric carnality. Perhaps it had been too long since she had allowed herself spontaneous pleasure. With one hand, she pushed and held the stall door shut. "That remains to be seen."

The stranger latched the door and smiled.

Benezia's eyes darkened, and their minds locked. The tensing of their bodies reflected the struggle of their minds. Minutes ticked past, the air charged with intensity as they feinted and probed. Each internal shift was met and countered as Benezia tested that strength and will and the stranger felt her out, their efforts evoking frissons of mounting desire. Benezia had expected to easily overbalance such direct and strong attention and to leave the stranger unsatisfied. Instead, firm resolve and agile adaptability combined to make her companion a formidable adversary, and an enticing one, able to keep up with and even anticipate some of her attempts. With a clever misdirect and a deft, strong thrust, the stranger's mind sunk deeply into hers, brushing her pleasure center hard and then feathering it with teasing touches and strokes. Benezia's eyes rolled back in her head, and she moaned at the unexpected luminous rush that swept through her.

To take full advantage of her overloaded state, the stranger reached down and yanked Benezia's dress up. Impatient hands bruised and scraped the soft skin of Benezia's hips as fingers caught, twisted and tore her silks off with a biotic flourish. It hardly registered with Benezia while their minds traced the bright ache the mental touches now opened. The stranger reached under Benezia's dress to grab her buttocks and slide warm hands down the back of Benezia's thighs, pulling her legs abruptly up on either side of the stranger's hips, lifting her up and pushing against her to spread her legs farther apart.

Benezia's chest was now level with the stranger's face, and she bit Benezia's breasts through the top of her dress, concentrating on her nipples before burying her face deeper into the soft warmth before her. Benezia clenched her thighs around the stranger's hips, the skirt of her dress bunched around her waist, the cool air sending shivers across her exposed skin as the stranger stroked her thighs and buttocks and ground against her.

They were like that when Narissa's voice could be heard. "Benezia? Are you in here? Are you alright?"

The stranger covered Benezia's mouth hard with one hand, hard enough to turn her neck and force her to face the back of the stall as the stranger made room between their bodies. Benezia's back arched against the hard wall. There was nowhere for her to go. Benezia had no idea if Narissa was still there when the stranger entered her body and began to plunge inside her. Although Benezia lifted her hips to meet the increasingly deep and frenzied thrusts, her hip bones banged into the side of the stall under their force. She didn't know if the fountain covered the noise they made, and ceased to care. The battle continued, will against will, flesh against flesh, a thrust to fill every ache, the ache growing with every thrust. Benezia struggled to breathe as the tempo increased and the stranger's hands pressed harder against her mouth and inside her. Stars burst in front of her eyes, and her air passages burned. The rich velvety pressure of the mind moving in hers thickened and throbbed, and she felt her walls bend and shiver. They joined, a harsh exultant cry escaping the stranger's throat as they fully merged.

When they finally stopped jerking and shuddering, Benezia was holding the stranger's head in her arms, and the stranger, Benezia's hips. Benezia trembled all over, and the stranger's legs shook. Sweat ran down their bodies, streaking their dresses. "Damn," the stranger said softly.

Gradually, Benezia's eyes regained their normal color and the ability to focus, and she could see again. Her feet touched the floor as the stranger pulled out of her slowly and released her hips, allowing the skirt of her dress to slip back into place.

The stranger caught Benezia as she started to slide to the floor. "Can't you stand?"

Benezia shook her head.

"Yeah, me neither." Before the stranger's legs could give out, she staggered back to collapse on the commode, sweeping Benezia off her feet and pulling her with her. They stayed like that for a while. The only sounds were their ragged breathing and the chuckle of the fountain. Benezia could hardly hold herself up. She slumped into the stranger, slowly returning to herself. Eventually, the stranger stood and gently placed Benezia on the seat. She lifted Benezia's chin between her thumb and finger so that she could look into Benezia's half-lidded eyes, and winked. "Thanks, princess." The stranger turned and lifted the stall door's latch.

"My name's Benezia." Her voice sounded hoarse from the strain of not crying out. She touched her throat and wondered if this was how the stranger had gotten her distinctive voice.

"I heard." Without looking back, the stranger pushed the stall door open and left.

"Who are you?" Benezia rasped as loudly as she could.

Before the bathroom door closed, the sound of that husky voice drifted over the stall. "If you're so smart, figure it out."

Benezia unclenched her fist. She'd crushed the bazurita bloom, staining her palm with its juice.

* * *

When the coast was clear, Liara walked the rest of the way to her mother's chambers, staying in the shadows. The security keypad emitted small beeps as she entered the code, and she looked behind her nervously. The click of its unlocking echoed in the hallway. She quickly swung the door open and pulled it shut behind her.

She had checked the downstairs and upstairs libraries and not found any helpful sources. Her mother's personal library was the last place she could think to look. The shelves ran from floor to ceiling and curved to fit the walls. Books of all sizes filled the shelves, actual books with thick paper pages and bindings of many colors and materials. At about hip height the top of the third row of shelves protruded several inches, leaving a lip where her mother kept her letter writing datapads, reading glasses and styluses. Here and there small figurines, vases, and some of Liara's own art were displayed on the shelves—a little blue paint handprint on a rough piece of purple cloth with her name and age on a yellowing label underneath, some early watercolors of flowers, and drawings of tezarin in flight and bobbing on the waves.

Recessed shelf lights illuminated the books and objects and gave the small space a warm, golden glow. The room smelled like old paper and her mother's favorite spice perfume, and Liara loved it almost more than any other spot in the whole house. With its collection of personal treasures, the small writing desk under the one window, the single glass-paned door to the wraparound balcony and its glimpse of the sea, the room reflected who her mother really was. Her presence seemed to fill it even in her absence.

Starting with the lowest shelves, Liara scanned for the sources she sought among small, jewel-like books of poetry and the thicker, heavier sacred texts and commentaries. She recognized the storybooks and collections of illustrated myths gathered in one section of a lower shelf. It held many worn and familiar books that had been her favorites when she was younger. Liara ran her fingers over the soft and tattered bindings and smiled. Her mother used to read to her before bedtime every night, or Liara would lie on the floor in the sunlight and read them as her mother worked. Slowly Liara worked her way up the shelves, frequently distracted by unexpected marvels. One in particular caught her eye. On a shelf by her mother's desk a glass flower, delicate and intricately wrought floated in a small display lit by a single, tiny light. Whoever had crafted the flower had infused it with iridescent paint that seemed to change color as the flower rotated. Observing the shifts mesmerized her for several minutes.

Nearby, Liara finally found what she sought. Why the whole selection of erotic literature had been shelved with others whose author's last names began with "A," Liara could not figure out. Neither the titles nor the author's names matched, yet it clearly had been done deliberately. She glanced over her shoulder before she pulled the books down, eyes widening at the illustrated volumes. The sources covered many species and centuries, and a knot tightened in her stomach. She had so much to learn. The biggest illustrated one she used as a base and piled others side-by-side on top of it. It took only a few minutes to assemble a stack to carry back to her quarters. She pressed her chin down on the top one to keep the stack together as she slid them all off the little ledge. They were heavier than she expected, and when she got to the door, she couldn't manage to balance them on her leg to get a hand free to turn the doorknob. She was about to set the books down on the nearby ledge and prop the door open, when the handle turned and her mother entered. Startled, Liara missed the ledge and dropped them all on the floor.

At once, she fell to her knees and scrambled to collect the fallen books as Benezia closed the door. The ones she could reach, she piled up as quickly as she could, turning them face down. After a minute, her mother knelt beside her and picked up a book. Liara stopped and cringed. If it was possible to die of embarrassment that would surely happen soon, but not soon enough.

"May I make a suggestion, Little Wing?" Her mother's voice contained a hint of a smile, and Liara risked peeking at her face. She saw nothing but affection warming her mother's eyes. "Start with one." Benezia held out a small, asari-centric tome to her.

Liara took the book, and wondered if her mother knew. "Yes, Mitera."

Her mother helped her gather the remaining ones up, smoothing out pages that had crumpled when some had landed open. Together, it didn't take them long. Liara reshelved all except the one her mother had picked out as rapidly as she could, trying to put them back in the order she'd found them, and wanting to escape before she could be asked for an explanation.

"I can't call you 'Little Wing' anymore," her mother said softly, watching. She had long since stopped doing so in the presence of others.

Liara looked back over her shoulder. "Why?"

"You are growing up," Benezia held her arms out, and her daughter, her embarrassment and the remaining books instantly forgotten, gladly went over to her and wrapped her arms around her mother's neck. Benezia bent so that their foreheads touched and hugged her. "The rest you may read any time. Just be discreet. The one I gave you has been banned."

Liara knew she could leave now if she wanted, but she released her mother's neck and turned so that she could rest her head on her mother's shoulder instead. It seemed increasingly rare that she had her mother all to herself. "M'ana?"

"Yes, Agapi?" Benezia's breath was warm on the top of Liara's crests and smelled like honey wine.

"Why were they all under 'A' on the shelves?" Liara pulled back and examined her mother's face.

Benezia smiled. "A friend once decided that's where they all belonged, as a joke. Every time I put them back in order, she'd move them there again until eventually I gave up."

"Oh." Liara's forehead wrinkled in perplexity. Her mother giving up on anything was difficult to imagine. Liara went to where the small flower revolved in its case. "What's this? I never saw it before. It's exquisite." She breathed the last word with awe.

When her mother didn't answer, Liara turned and saw tears in her mother's eyes. "M'ana!" She rushed over to stroke her mother's cheek. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please don't be sad!"

Benezia took her hand and kissed her palm before releasing it. "Sadness is part of life." Her face looked drawn. "It would diminish life to refuse to feel it."

Liara guessed the flower had to be from her father. She wondered again what had happened between them, but the pain on her mother's face kept her from asking. She hesitated, a different question burning in her, but not wanting to cause her mother more pain. Quietly and tentatively, she asked, "M'ana, how do people know when they're in love?"

"A very important and grown up question." Benezia inclined her head acknowledging it. "Liara, it has been a while since we walked together in the garden. Would you walk there with me now?"

With a nod, Liara took her mother's hand. As the two left the suite, her mother requested that a doulos bring them vani, to wrap themselves in against any chill.

In the dark, the garden's plants glowed with eezo. The air smelled like warm moist soil, sea salt and the perfume of flowers. Nectar dripped down stamen and shimmered. Silarin alighted and lapped it up. Liara wrapped her white silken vani around her shoulders more out of nervousness than from any chill. A land breeze kept the garden warm. She followed her mother through the maze of fecundity to their proummon trees.

"Will you pick some with me?" Her mother lifted a hand to the dark lightning shape of a branch and touched the clump of proummon weighing it down, her fingers running over them.

"Of course, Mitera." Liara went to the tree next to the one her mother touched and carefully picked some. She watched her mother while she did. Eezo shimmered on her mother's skin as well as the tree's bark, the leaves and fruit. The way her mother moved was so graceful and proud, and she glowed. Liara held the image to her heart, loving her and being with her, dazzled by her beauty.

After a little while, Benezia stopped and stepped back into the starlight from the trees' darker shapes. Proummon filled Liara's vani. She went to stand by her mother.

Benezia spread her vani on the ground, the proummon she'd collected tumbling around on it, and she and Liara sat, Liara placing her vani and fruit beside them. Benezia examined the fruit, picking each up and turning it in her fingers. "These are excellent. How did you know which ones to take?"

"They gave easily on their stems when I pulled, and their flesh felt firm and not too hard or soft."

"Agapi," Benezia stroked Liara's cheek. "The heart can be like that as well." She indicated the trees. "Some will feel too hard or too soft, and some will not be ready to give at the tug of another."

"M'ana." The frustration Liara felt could be heard in her tone. "Why do you always answer in riddles when I ask you important questions? Why can't you just tell me without talking about fruit or flowers or tezarin or the sea?"

"You think I know everything, Liara. I look to the wisdom all around us to name the intuitions of truth I find inside me. Life is the biggest riddle of all. There are no set answers."

"I don't believe that!"

For a moment only the flutter of leaves in the night breeze could be heard. "I know, Agapi." The last word was as soft as a sigh.

Gesturing back to the now quiet house, Liara felt her frustration turn to anger. "All these people follow you for your wisdom and guidance all day, every day. Mitera, I don't know what to do!" Taking a proummon from the vani, Liara tossed it away. "I need your help and am asking for it." Tears choked her for a moment. "Will you only give it to your acolytes and not to your own daughter?"

"Liara, you are my heart." Tears filled Benezia's eyes, but Liara couldn't see them. "No one could ever hold or take your place."

"Yet they have all your time and attention, and I get nothing!" Liara stood.

Benezia calmed herself, holding her daughter's pain still inside her. "You have both right now. What pains you, Agapi? What do you struggle with?"

Liara knelt and looked pleadingly at her mother. "Tell me what love is! Tell me how not to hurt anyone. Tell me what to do!"

"Does someone pull on your heart?"

"I don't know, but I feel something I've never felt before, and it's so powerful. She … Thala … touched me … and I wanted more, but I don't know what, or why I feel this way. What if I do something wrong?"

"What are you afraid of, Agapi?" Benezia softly stroked her daughter's cheek.

"Everything!" Liara bowed her head, unwilling to still meet her mother's eyes. "Me! I'm afraid of me, of who I am, of what I'll do." Her eyes overflowed with tears when she did look up. "Do you keep away from me because you are ashamed of me? Of what I am?"

Benezia gathered her daughter in her arms and held her tight. "I love you, all that you are. You are kind and sweet, curious and generous, strong-willed and intelligent, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Face your fears, Agapi. You want to never hurt anyone, but that's not possible. The choice is between pain that's worth something, and pain that's not. Hurt is not all there is. You can take responsibility for the hurt you cause and choose how to respond to make amends. You can hold someone accountable for the hurt they cause you, and learn how and when to forgive. That's all any of us can do. A mistake is not the end. We are strong and capable of recovering from almost any wound. We can learn from everything."

After a while, Liara's sobs quieted. "M'ana, am I a mistake?

Roughly, Benezia cupped Liara's chin and lifted her face. Biotics rippled over her, her eyes glowed bright, and Liara was afraid. "Never!" Benezia hissed, angrily. "You are the best and most profound gift I will ever know, Liara T'Soni." Her grip and gaze gentled, though her eyes stayed bright. "Every day, you bless my life." She smiled and stroked Liara's chin, soothing over where her fingers and thumbs had held her tight before placing an arm around her shoulders. More than ever, Benezia wished that she could hold her daughter as she had when Liara was a child and sing all the self-doubt away, but Benezia knew there were some things she could give her daughter and some her daughter had to discover and believe herself. She kissed the top of her daughter's crests. "Perhaps this Thala sees some of what I do. If you choose to share who you are with her, she will be blessed because of it. Of this, I'm sure."

Liara buried her face in her mother's shoulder and wished she could stay there.

"I will remember this day," Benezia said softly after a bit.

"Mmm, why Mitera?" Much calmer, Liara had been thinking she wanted to remember this moment too.

"Because my daughter asked me to tell her what to do. I have waited so long for that. There are so many things I can now sort out for you, starting with how you've set up your rooms."

Liara pulled her head back. Again she smelled the honey wine on her mother's breath mingling with her spicy scent and the cooling earth. Her mother glowed softly, as did their surroundings, but not enough for Liara to see the expression on her face. "Wait…"

"And there's your schedule too, and what classes you take…"

"That's not what I meant," Liara's concern grew. This wasn't going to turn into another debate about her interest in the Protheans, she hoped. "M'ana. I don't want you to do that!"

"You don't want me to direct everything for you?" Benezia nudged Liara with her shoulder. "Agapi."

Liara nudged her back, reassured by the touch, the teasing tone, and the familiar endearment. "Only sometimes."

"Do you know why I don't, even when you want me to?" Her mother's voice sounded more serious.

"Because I'm grown up?" Liara leaned against her mother as she answered. She couldn't see her mother smile at that response, but she did.

"Yes, because I know you can figure it out." Benezia pressed her cheek on the top of her daughter's crests. "It's a lovely night, and it's been a long time since we swam together. Want to?"

Her mother loved to swim, Liara knew. When she was younger, they'd swum together daily, always during the day. "But, M'ana." Liara felt nervous at the idea. "It's dark out."

Benezia rose and kicked off her sandals. "So?"

"We won't be able to tell if there's anything in the water." Despite her protest, Liara pushed the proummon away and got up too, wanting to stay with her mother.

With a laugh, Benezia lightly touched her nose. "That's half the fun. A little uncertainty can be exciting. Maybe you and Thala will try it, if you have time with all your research." Laughing, she strode off through the dark faintly shimmering silhouettes of the trees in the direction of the beach.

"M'ana…." Liara's crests burned with embarrassment as she followed. "Don't tease me about her."

"As you wish … Agapi." Her mother's answer mingled with the soft breeze rustling the leaves.

* * *

_*With this installment, my three stories surpass 100,000 words. My thanks to Midnight Lion, Owelpost, Cerulean1, Theodur, Arcturusjourney, Michael11 and to all who have given feedback in reviews. Keep your eyes peeled. I have a surprise tribute for reviewers that will show up in subsequent chapters._


	5. Starlings

**Starlings**

from Marie Howe's _Part of Eve's Discussion_

_It was like the moment when a bird decides not to eat from your hand,  
and flies, just before it flies, the moment the rivers seem to still  
and stop because a storm is coming, but there is no storm, as when  
a hundred starlings lift and bank together before they wheel and drop..._

* * *

Sand crunched beneath her feet as they thudded across the creekbed and the relentless rhythm of her run suspended for a moment as she jumped the water. The dark earth on the other side of the stream cushioned her landing, dulling the thump, and she didn't pause. One foot and then the other made a bright blur in front of her as she dodged roots and rocks. Sunlight flickered through the reeds and trees, and her breath gusted the early morning mist that swirled through the forest and left the rolling fields just beyond it silver and slippery with dew. The hurry of her breath and the trill of a thrush blended in the rustling woods as she hurdled a rotting pine that blocked the trail. Ferns swished against her jean-clad calves and anointed them with morning. Datapads jostled and snapped against each other as her rucksack bounced against her back.

Rachel grabbed the smooth gray trunk of a beech to make the sharp turn in the path without slowing down. The tree's bark rubbed and reddened her palm, but she hardly noticed. Running kept her from thinking about lots of things. That's one reason why she liked it. As she burst out from the cover of the woods into the weak sunlight she slowed her pace. She was almost there.

The low angle of the rising sun cast long shadows in the silvered grass. Cooler air chilled the sweat on her body, and where it had soaked her t-shirt and hoodie. Dew quickly soaked her blue running shoes with the white zig-zag stripes, staining the suede black. Long strides took her down the slope to where the sun glinted off the mica in the foam turf of the deserted track, and off the aluminum edges of the high school's roof. She squinted against that glare and slowed as she rounded the corner of the building. Curved white sidewalk surrounded the black asphalt drive and parking lot that led to the glass and brick entrance of the one-story sprawling building. The blue Alliance flag zuffed stiffly in the mild breeze, its rope clinked against the dull gray aluminum pole, as she pulled one of the heavy glass and wood doors open.

Fluorescent lights flickered in the entry hall, and one warmer light illuminated the main school office on the left. Her sneakers squeaked on the tile floor as she turned left and walked past it, continuing up the wide dark hallway to the gym locker room. The door was recessed on the right from the long rows of tall black metal lockers. Instead the door interrupted cinderblock walls thickly painted taupe. Rachel pulled it open and slipped in. The faint, slow drip of faucets and the ammonia smell of industrial strength cleaners greeted her. Quiet and solitude made this a good time of day. Her lock rattled as she turned the dial. It clicked open. She picked up her clear plastic shower bag and one cerulean colored towel, then shoved her rucksack into the small orange cupboard, slammed it shut and drove home the lock again. The noise still echoed off the gray tiles as she shuffled back toward the row of showers.

Her hoodie she hung on the silver hook. Her sweaty t-shirt she carefully folded and followed with her jeans to make a neat pile on the little wooden seat. Her socks she stuffed one in each sneaker. Her underwear she slipped into the stack between her shirt and jeans. She threw one end of the towel over the bar that held the shower curtain, and turned on the water nice and hot. It didn't take her long to wash her short, dark hair or her lightly tanned skin, but still, the tiled stall had filled with steam before she finished. It felt great to be warm and clean. She had just turned the water off when she heard a commotion, the squealing of shoes across the tile floor and a loud clang.

"Dirk says you've been a tease, and it's time to teach you a lesson." At the sound of the threatening male voice in the adjacent room, Rachel hurriedly toweled off.

"Yeah, Dirk don't like being left blued." There was more than one guy in the girl's locker room. Her jeans stuck to her damp legs as she tried to drag them on. She tugged at them impatiently, leaning against the wet wall.

"Well, I don't like Dirk." Echoes distorted all the voices, including the female one. Rachel couldn't tell who she was, though she had a good idea about the others, even though she was new to the school.

More squeaks and thumps. "Then why'd you go to our house? To his room?" Rachel's elbow caught in her t-shirt as she pulled it down over her head, stretching out the fabric. She wriggled to get it free.

"I thought he was a friend … it doesn't matter. Look, all you Gitlans, leave me alone. I don't want anything to …" That confirmed it. Dirk, a senior, had two older brothers and one her age. They sold drugs and harassed the neighborhood. Rachel knew the one her age and the others by reputation and from seeing them lurking around the school. She didn't know the older ones' names. Her sneaker wobbled and flipped on its side under her hasty foot. The unknown classmates' voice rose. "Stop it! I'll scream."

"Go ahead, no one's here." There was an ominous silence.

"Hey!" Finally dressed, Rachel ripped the plastic curtain aside and charged out of the shower. Her sudden shout and appearance distracted the two tall, wiry, sandy-haired guys in their mid- to early-twenties who'd cornered a slightly plump, very curvaceous senior with short curly black hair, dark skin, a pink and blue plaid miniskirt, tall blue knit leggings and a little blue jacket with a popped collar and a yellow crest. The senior clutched a coordinated bag in her arms, like a shield between her and the boys, one of whom had a hand on her leg. "You leave her alone!" Rachel's hair was still sopping wet and spiky, and water dripped down her face as she stood with one end of the towel in her hand. "No boys in the girl's locker room. Get out!"

The Gitlans backed off a little and looked at one another. The one closer to her, with pockmarks, spoke. "Who died and put you in charge? We can come in here if we like."

Rachel frowned and took another step forward. "No, you can't. You don't even go here." The girl slid away from them along the lockers, her elbow rattling the locks, and the other Gitlan roughly grabbed her arm. That earned him a flick of the wet towel to his face. It made a huge thwap when it hit.

"OW!" He dropped the girl's arm and covered his face where the towel had left a big red mark on his cheek. The girl scrambled out of reach. "Bitch!" He turned uncertainly toward Rachel.

His brother advanced on Rachel, who followed up with swinging the towel in a circle overhead before lashing out again and catching him in the eye with it. "Fuck it to hell!" He bent over, clutching his face. "You'll pay for that." His voice was very high.

The bell rang loudly, announcing the start of school. Lots of footsteps could be heard pounding by in the hall outside and voices and the slamming of locker doors as students poured in. Some would be in the locker room any minute.

The first Gitlan Rachel had hit grabbed his brother's arm and pulled him toward the door. "We'll be waiting for you after school, for both of you. Then we'll see if you're so tough. See you after school!" The door thumped shut behind them.

When the noise of their departure ceased, Rachel headed back to get her stuff. She didn't want to be in there when the first PE class came in.

"Hey, you." As she gathered her toiletries into the clear plastic bag again, the dark-haired classmate stood in the archway between the locker room and the showers. "My name's Leyne. Thanks for that."

"No problem." With a loud zip, Rachel closed the bag and headed back to her locker, brushing by Leyne.

The door to the room thumped open and several girls entered, talking loudly. Rachel reached her locker and twirled the combination.

Leyne came and leaned against a nearby locker. "You might want to do something about your hair."

"What? Oh." Rachel pulled her hood up over her head. It took her a moment to jimmy her rucksack out of the locker, plop her plastic pouch back in and hang up the damp towel before she slammed it shut again.

"Or you could do that, I guess." Leyne looked her over, taking in the dark brown eyes, the too new jeans, the too large hoodie. "Who are you?"

A shrug eased the rucksack onto Rachel's shoulder. "Nobody." She shuffled toward the door.

Leyne persisted. "Well, Nobody, did you know that you're soaking through your shirt? I have some spares in my locker, if you want to borrow one. It's the least I can do for the woman who's going to die with me in 5 hours when school gets out."

Rachel twirled to face her, chin down, eyes blazing. "You think that's funny?! Death's a joke to you?"

With one giant step back, Leyne stared at her wide-eyed. There was an awkward silence.

"Nevermind. Just … leave me alone." The words were a mumble as Rachel rubbed her forehead with the hand not clutching her rucksack strap and looked down at the floor.

"Oh ho there, not so fast, homegirl." Leyne lightly touched her shoulder. Rachel noticed the senior's dark brown eyes seemed very kind. "You don't just waltz into my life whipping bullies with a wet towel and waltz back out again. Where did you learn those mad skillz?"

With a small slump of resignation, Rachel stood still. The door was so close. "My brothers."

"Mmmm, do they go here too? Do I know them?" Leyne was fairly sure that if her brothers looked a bit like their slender sister that she would find them attractive, even if they dressed as scruffily. The slightly ragged thick straight black hair that almost reached the other girl's shoulders under the hood nicely offset the tan complexion, almond-shaped dark soulful eyes and the bow of her full merlot colored lips.

"No." Rachel's throat felt tight. She really wanted to leave. Leyne continued to look at her as if waiting for something.

"You must be new here. I don't recognize you. So this is what we're going to do, we're going to eat lunch together today." Leyne lightly poked Rachel's shoulder. Rachel flinched and turned that shoulder stiffly away. Leyne paused, puzzled. "And you are going to stop trying to be such a big mystery, Ms. Nobody. Lunch. Today."

Rachel had never seen anyone flounce before, but she was pretty sure that how Leyne left the girl's locker room was by flouncing. She stared bemusedly after the taller girl and ardently hoped her new best friend would forget all about her by noon, or have a different lunch period.

* * *

Rachel's morning classes went by in a blur. She sat in the back, raised her hand to answer only a few times, kept her head down taking notes, and as she had since arriving at the new school, attempted to be mostly invisible. Unfortunately, she didn't succeed. Her biology teacher sent her to the principal when she refused to vivisect a frog. It had been a pet peeve of her Dad's that schools on Earth still did this with all the technology available, especially given the fact that all species of frogs had started to die off as early as the twenty-first century. She had agreed with his reasoning, and had often measured her new biology class against things he had told her. The teacher hadn't taken her refusal seriously until he'd come around and her frog was not on her tray, or anywhere to be found.

As she waited outside the principal's office, Rachel missed her Dad more than ever. He would have understood and supported her. Her Mom, being more the disciplinarian, would have been appalled at her being in trouble. With the thought, sharp pain lanced through her head and for a moment she saw her Mom again as she had found her in their home. Rachel rubbed her forehead hard, trying to wipe the pain and the memory away. Her Mom was the only reason she hadn't chucked finishing high school. Studying seemed useless as did the effort to try to make new friends. Poetry or literature, the things she and her Mom loved, didn't seem to matter in the real world. It hadn't helped either of them. What schools needed to teach were self-defense classes.

"The principal will see you now." The man behind the desk didn't even look up.

Hands in her pockets, hood up, she shuffled to the wooden door with its cloudy pebbled glass insert and pushed the door open. A large metal desk separated her from the principal, who was leafing through a file on it as she shuffled in, dropped her rucksack to one side and dutifully took a chair. The brass nameplate on his desk read Dr. Michael Leven. After a few moments, he looked up and examined her.

"You joined us partway through this school year." It was a question and not a question. The principal was thin-lipped and the lines of his mouth and eyes were all tight and flat in his squarish face and the light from the windows behind him reflected off his glasses.

When he did not continue, Rachel figured he was waiting for something from her. "Yes."

"Or did you?" The principal raised a hand to his chin, and looked over his glasses at her.

"Pardon?"

"Do you know why you are here?"

"You mean existentially?" Her mom would have smacked her for that smart response.

The principal tilted his head, and waited.

Rachel clenched her jaw and refused to blink. This wasn't going well, but she had all the time in the world, whereas he apparently was a busy man.

Eventually the principal gave in first. "Why aren't you in class?"

"Mr. Eggles sent me here."

"Ah, and why is that Ms. Shepard?"

"I wouldn't torture and kill a frog for him in the name of science." At that moment, a deep chirrup could be heard. Rachel kept her face impassive.

The silence stretched out a little longer this time. The principal reached for the file, pulled out a sheet, read it, put it back, took his glasses off, and leaned forward, placing his elbows on his desk. "I see." He sighed. "You have a very interesting file, Ms. Shepard. You have the academic records of a star pupil, but your performance since you've arrived here has not been stellar. How can I help you make this transition more smoothly?" His expression was not unkind as he took in her appearance, the dark shadows under her eyes, her unkemptness, her gauntness.

From somewhere in the room, another deep chirrup sounded, then another. When they stopped, Rachel spoke. "You could tell Mr. Eggles he can't flunk me in his class for disagreeing with him about how to treat animals. You could tell him that the school will implement a cruelty-free policy, forbid vivisections. You could decide not to record this visit or to notify my guardian."

He waited. When it was clear she had finished, he stood, file in hand. The left pocket of her hoodie was jumping, but she remained still. "Very well. We will consider this a social visit and your absence from your class excused without penalty on the condition that you show Mr. Eggles respect. Your request that the school policy be changed I will take into consideration." He walked around his desk and gestured to his door. "Please come with me."

Rachel stood, scooped up her bag, hung it over her right shoulder and preceded him out the door. He took the lead, and she followed him to the end of the hall, where he knocked on another door. "Dr. Goldberger?" An older petite blond woman opened it. "There's a new student I would like you to meet, Ms. Shepard." He handed her the file. "Do you have time to talk with her now?" The woman nodded and gestured Rachel in. As she passed the principal, he reached up to pat her head. She pulled away fast enough that her left shoulder hit the door jam hard and she doubled over, sucking in air. A frog wriggled out of her pocket and leapt away into the room. The principal looked down at the small black-clad bundle of her in consternation, and the petite woman waited, file in hand. The frog's hops could be heard as it made its way across the carpet. It chirruped, bellowing out its throat.

When she had caught her breath, Rachel rasped. "Don't fucking touch me."

"I'm very sorry, Ms. Shepard. You are quite right." The principal and woman exchanged a look. He crouched down. "Are you okay? Would you like me to call the school nurse?"

"No, I'm fine." Rachel struggled to her feet.

Still crouching, the principal picked up her rucksack, collected the datapads that had scattered and returned them to her bag before rising and handing it to her. "I would like you to know that I and my staff care about you and what you've been through. If I or any of them can be of assistance, please let me know."

Rachel nodded. "Thanks."

"Alright. Goodbye then." He left.

Dr. Goldberger, who was patiently waiting, spoke. "Would you like to come inside? I believe a friend of yours just crawled under the couch. You may want to retrieve him."

"Sure." Rachel threw her rucksack on the sofa and knelt, pulling up the fabric to search for her frog. "But that's all. I don't want to talk about anything."

"Where did you find a frog?" Dr. Goldberger's voice was muffled somewhat by the sofa.

"Biology class." The frog was well and truly under the sofa and toward the back. Rachel pushed herself under, wincing and reaching with her right hand.

"It sounds like you were staging a rescue."

"Something like that." No matter how much she strained, she couldn't quite reach it. It hopped along the wall.

Dr. Goldberger knelt. "How do you know when something needs rescuing?"

"Well, it being in danger of imminent death and torture helps." Rachel bit her bottom lip. This wasn't working, and the doctor was talking and asking her questions. She wriggled back out and massaged her shoulder. The sofa had pushed back her hood and dust bunnies lodged in her disheveled hair.

The doctor stood and brought a box of tissues and held it out to her.

Rachel scrunched her forehead in perplexity. "What's that for?"

"You have a bloody nose." Dr. Goldberger showed concern.

Leaning back on her right arm, Rachel raised her left hand to her nose. Sure enough, her fingers came away bright red and warm. "Oh." She grabbed a couple tissues and held them to her nose.

"How often does that happen?" Dr. Goldberger placed the box beside her.

"I dunno. Look, you won't hurt him, will you?" Still keeping the tissues to her nose, Rachel stood.

"I thought you were rescuing him." Dr. Goldberger sat.

Rachel shrugged. "It looks like he's rescuing himself."

Dr. Goldberger smiled before responding. "How will he eat? He can't survive under there. He still needs help."

"What? Oh, yeah, that's a problem, I guess." Rachel looked around the room, thinking, and scratched her head. "Will you keep him from getting out? I can come back before the end of the day. Pick him up." Rachel looped her hand through her rucksack strap.

"Why don't you wait for him to come out on his own? Where do you need to be right now?"

"Honestly? Anywhere else." She pleaded with her eyes. "And he may decide he wants to stay under there, because it feels safe."

After a moment's hesitation, Dr. Goldberger nodded. "I tell you what, if you can convince the appropriate teacher to lend you a terrarium, or some more suitable waiting space for him than under my couch, and figure out some way to get him out from under there, I will keep him in here today until you finish helping him rescue himself."

Rachel frowned. "If I knew how to get him out, I wouldn't have to ask you for help."

"Everybody needs help sometimes, Ms. Shepard. They aren't always able to ask, however." Dr. Goldberger crossed her legs.

With a sigh, Rachel nodded. "Ok, but why can't things be easier? I just wanted to keep him from being vivisected and now it's turned into this whole big fuss."

"Because that's life. It's full of complications and unexpected difficulties."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Tell me about it. Why even bother?" She dabbed at her nose. It had stopped bleeding. She stuffed the dirty tissues in her pocket.

"Where would it leave the frog if you don't?" Dr. Goldberger swiveled in her chair, picked up her trash can and held it out.

"Good point." Rachel took the hint and dropped the wad of dirty tissues in the waste bin. "I just don't see Mr. Eggles lending me a terrarium."

The doctor returned the bin to its place. "Why not?"

With a crooked grin, Rachel confessed, "Because I'm rescuing the frog from him."

To her credit, in Rachel's eyes, the doctor showed neither surprise nor concern. "Well, what else can you think of?"

Rachel sat. "I guess I could try to sneak one out of the room when he's not there."

"You mean steal one?" The doctor regarded her steadily.

With one finger, Rachel traced the pattern on the sofa, keeping her eyes down on it. "Yes."

"You can't think of any other options?"

Rachel scowled. "No. Hey, I thought you were supposed to help." Annoyance and frustration crept into her voice.

"I have offered to harbor your frog here, in an appropriate habitat. What else would you like me to do?"

"I dunno, maybe go with me to ask Mr. Eggles, if you're on my side that is, about frogs not being tortured to death." She glanced at the doctor.

"I am on your side, and I would like to help you." The doctor stood. "Life can be hard, but what makes it possible is our ability to adapt and learn new skills, like asking people for help when we can't accomplish something on our own." She walked to the door and opened it.

Rachel stood, grabbed her rucksack, went out the door and waited. "Like getting the terrarium."

Dr. Goldberger nodded. "And like asking for help to move a couch you can't move on your own." She turned and locked her office.

"I dunno, doctor, you don't look very strong." Again, Rachel's crooked grin was back.

"Neither do you, Ms. Shepard, but I know you must be."

"You can call me Rachel, I guess." She shuffled beside her down the hall. "How do you know that?"

"Because you're here."


	6. Echo of the Future

**Echo of the Future**

from W.S. Merwin's _River of Bees_

_We are the echo of the future_

_On the door it says what to do to survive  
But we were not born to survive  
Only to live_

* * *

Saren walked beside Benezia. Her tread was measured, her mind carefully shielded. She would not let the ship read her thoughts or permit either it or Saren the satisfaction of knowing how greatly the burns pained her. Better to focus on what she could accomplish while out of that cage. Listening to the footsteps behind her, she estimated that half the geth phalanx followed them. Even the full phalanx she could overcome. Saren was the real challenge. His pulse had been gone, she was sure of it, after she'd torn his face apart. The memory of the tissue ripping and all that hot blood spurting everywhere made her gorge rise in her throat. She had never used her biotics in such a horrible way. An unfamiliar feeling of self-disgust threatened to overwhelm her with the memory. It had been an act of desperation, and she had believed that she had killed him, but it had failed. Here he was, stronger than before. The ship had found a way to bring him back. Killing him was apparently not possible for her. Death was not possible for him. There seemed no way she could stop him directly. Despair welled up in her at the thought. It was another feeling she was not used to.

As she contemplated these things, they marched, traversing a bewildering array of identical-looking, triangular-shaped corridors. Where the room they'd come from was she could no longer tell. The ship's vast and distorted passages confused the eye, unsettled the mind, and formed a claustrophobic labyrinth with no natural light. Light. She couldn't remember how long she'd been on the ship; or when she'd last seen the sun or the sea; or had food, water, silence, sleep, or relief from pain. Even she had limits, and she knew she was reaching them. Better to die than join the indoctrinated. Better to die than aid Saren and the Reapers in destroying all life. That went against everything she believed in. Saren's talk of negotiating with the Reapers, that was lies, like everything else he'd told her. None of it could be trusted. Death then, was the only choice left. Surely her own was still possible.

She did not fear it, but the thought was filled with self-acrimony. The tormented faces of her most loyal followers haunted her. To be the reason for their deaths, to never see her Agapi again, those were hard to accept. No, she would not think of Liara. More than anything else, even the secrets of her people, she needed to shield those thoughts. She buried those memories deep.

Windowless, sharp-edged double doors opened onto a control room. To her right, a bank of terminals curved a short distance away from the wall, where images from outside the ship were projected. A planet grew larger on the central screen. She felt a sliver of hope. If she could only get off this ship…. Saren would never allow it. The geth took up stations around the room, weapons trained on her. Maybe…

"No," Saren strode over to the nearest one. "Do not to shoot her, no matter what she does. It is not Sovereign's will that she die. She is our most important ally." He went to one of the terminals and brought up another screen. It showed several geth in the cell room they had come from, holding Erastaz over another one of the spike devices. He turned back to the Matriarch. "Benezia, you're the only one with anything to lose. Be reasonable." A few steps brought him back over to her. "You can't kill the geth. You can only destroy their platforms. Their software instantly uploads to their ship, where there are countless more platforms constantly being manufactured. If you injure me, Sovereign will upgrade me, making me even more powerful." He gestured to the screen. "The only ones you can hurt are your followers. Make trouble, and they will die horribly, calling out to you for help, knowing you are watching and unable to."

Somehow he had anticipated her move. Was the ship able to read her behind her shields? Benezia considered bargaining for Erastaz's life, but if she did, it would only strengthen Saren's sense of leverage. If death was the only way out, then perhaps it would be a mercy for Erastaz. Benezia fought back her tears and despair and steeled herself. At least Saren had confirmed that the only real leverage she had was herself. Sovereign did not want her dead.

"Now, now." Saren came close and reached out to touch her face. She pulled away. He shook his head and returned to the consoles. "What you are going to do is oversee our invasion and direct the geth in their strategy against humans. You've studied them, I believe."

"You are attacking humans?" The information distracted her. There was only one ship. It couldn't be enough for a war against the whole galaxy, but if Saren had determined a way to divide and conquer… to deepen divisions and weaken them all with multiple conflicts, instigating and waiting….

"They are newcomers, with the fewest friends, the least knowledge of how the galaxy works—the weakest link." He leaned against the console. "And they've found a Prothean beacon. I will lead the ground assault."

She felt her blood run cold. Not Prothean! "The council will not overlook the disappearance of such a beacon. You will have the whole galaxy at your heels, and even Sovereign cannot withstand that."

He laughed. "I wouldn't count on it. We are in the Terminus Systems. We'll leave no survivors and no trace of the beacon or ourselves. The humans will probably blame the batarians. As you know, neither of them has much support, especially this far out on the fringes of council space. Your people, mine and the salarians didn't care about Mindoir. They won't care about Eden Prime. I don't think the beacon will make much difference after it's dismissed as a false report." He leaned back against the console, crossing his arms over his chest. "In fact, I can influence the council not to intervene if the humans declare war on the batarians, and Tevos will only be able to reach you to consult if I allow it." He smiled. "Which I will only do when I have your … unqualified … support."

"That will be never." She drew to her full height. Her refusal to acquiesce seemed his only reason for delay. Perhaps she could sustain it longer.

His gaze turned sad. "You have yet to understand the full power of Sovereign. Even you cannot resist him. One last time, Benezia, I beg you, show your use, or he will destroy your mind. This is your last chance." He walked to the door and told the geth, "If she leaves this room, kill her companions." He exited.

* * *

Benezia gripped the console so tightly her knuckles turned white as the ship descended and blared its deep bass note, sending the humans in the fields scurrying, but not fast enough. The geth poured out, directed by Saren, weapons firing. Tears ran unchecked down her face as she watched the slaughter. The humans had almost no defenses. Most had no weapons. Their troops, caught by surprise, fell before they could organize. Civilians and soldiers screamed in agony as beams caught and burnt them, crisping them to black shells frozen in pain. She had never witnessed a massacre before. The control room remained silent except for her sniffs and the subdued and static flashes, cracks and screams from the sound feeds.

Her tears tasted bitter, and her eyes burned. How could he do this? How could anyone hate enough to extinguish so much life—the young, the old, none were spared. Several small fighting forces rallied and returned fire, trying to cover the retreat of civilians. They were overrun, finally fleeing in confusion, laser beams catching them in their backs. The fields were littered with corpses. On one screen, she saw a group of geth surround a school. "Goddess have mercy," she whispered, as she watched the geth methodically kill every last one. She wept at the nobility of the teachers attempting to shield their students, parents trying to protect their children, soldiers fighting when they knew they could not win. Some surrendered. The geth showed no mercy. Tears ran down her face and collected and dripped from her chin onto the console she leaned upon. She wept without consolation at the devastation and senselessness of it and at the knowledge that this is what Saren planned for the whole galaxy. She wept.

The comm. crackled. {"Benezia, do you see any organized resistance?"}

She struggled to get a hold of herself, but said nothing. She would not participate in this.

{"Benezia?"}

Unless, she could misdirect him, save some. No, tell him the truth. {"….. No. There's none. They're all retreating. You've won. Let them go."}

{"So they can regroup, arm and return?} Saren sounded distinctly skeptical.

{"They have no appreciable weapons showing on any scans. It's over. Stop your assault."} She was pleading now, but she didn't care.

A pause. He had noticed. {"Would that please you?"} He wanted something in return.

{"Yes."}

{"Very well, for you…."} He ordered the geth to fall back from the fields and search for the beacon. {Is that better?}

{ …. What do you want?}

{And here I thought we couldn't reach an understanding…."} His laugh sounded smug. {Search for the beacon. It's not where I'd located it before landing. Tell me where it is, and keep an eye out and inform me of any incoming threats, or I will have them all mown down now.} On his command, a score of geth marched up and over a hill from the landing site. Benezia recognized the characteristic green and white tunics of science uniforms on one group huddled by some prefab units directly in their path. She thought for an instant of Liara, away on excavation. Her excavation uniforms were similar. If it had been an asari colony that had discovered a Prothean beacon, Liara would have been one of those there.

Below the scientists' position, a small group of soldiers had rallied, formed up and begun advancing up the hill. They would be upon Saren and the geth in a moment, with the scientists caught in the middle. They were outnumbered, and even if she did not warn Saren, they would not win. It was an impossible decision. These she couldn't save, but maybe she could gain something. She had to choke out the words. "{Soldiers incoming."}

{"Good girl. Where?"}

{"Ahead of you."} Her eyes and throat ached. The geth lobbed grenades ahead and marched on into the smoke. Some caught a few of the scientists in the confusion. Others set up spikes like those in the detention area. The Alliance soldiers rallied to protect the scientists, but they didn't stand a chance. Their bodies jerked in grotesque dances in the incoming fire as they were shot down. The few survivors retreated slowly, down the hill, falling back before the advancing line of geth. {"Let them go. The beacon is in the opposite direction. I've located it on a small platform down the tracks and am sending you the coordinates. There could be ships incoming. If they were small enough, they could land there and remove it before you arrived."}

Saren gestured for half the company to continue pursuit. {"Forgive me for not trusting you. Your concern is touching, but we scanned. There's no ship near enough to come and help them in time."} Up on the hill, geth held the captured scientists over the devices they'd erected. The humans screamed as the spikes impaled them. Death did not come instantaneously, judging by their groans.

They hadn't for her followers either. Benezia wept silently. Then on one of the viewscreens, a small ship appeared, and prepared to land. {"I am tracking a ship entering the atmosphere now."}

{"What?! That's not possible."}

Benezia worked the console, zooming in. {"Nevertheless, it is here."} The sight gave her hope.

{"I don't believe you. Describe it."}

{"It appears to be turian."} The nearest geth camera drone shakily zoomed in, the image bobbing and fuzzing, as the ship touched down. Indeed, Benezia could make out a turian jumping down from the open hatch. The camera zoomed in tighter. This one was known to her, a Spectre named Nihlus. Three humans, one with a long red stripe down her arm, jumped out next, and the ship lifted off again. Benezia felt her hope fade.

{"Ok, report confirmed. We're falling back to the train station. Sovereign says the ship is on the move. How many troops disembarked?"} Saren's voice held grudging agreement.

Benezia faced a dilemma. Was it all a test, with Sovereign tracking everything, or did she have a chance to help some of this group get through? On which should she gamble, Nihlus or the group of humans? If Nihlus made it to Saren, Saren might take him on the ship and corrupt him as well. Being a Spectre did not make him Sovereign-proof. Nihlus was also the more obvious threat, as well, and better able to take the heat. But could the humans succeed where he could not? There was much she did not know about them, for all her research, but she remembered reports of their tenacity. They were survivors, adaptable, aggressive, and the females looked somewhat like her own people. She would risk it all on them. {"Only a squad, but one of them is Nihlus, and he is separating out, heading in your direction. I can take care of the others, if you leave the rest of the colony alone."}

{"Nihlus? The Council must be aware of the beacon. Hmm. I did not expect the humans would share that information. Truly, an unpredictable species, and not very bright."} On one of the screens, she saw him deploy geth in groups along the route back to the train station as he retreated. On another she watched a pair of geth monitoring drones take out one of the humans who had just landed. Only two left. Had she made the wrong choice? She could minimize the geth resistance they would meet, but she couldn't eliminate it. Her hands tapped away at the monitor, and she was gratified to see the geth respond to her commands to rally to Saren. {"Good call. This isn't so hard, is it?"}

The remaining humans surged forward and shot down the two drones. Benezia had a close up of the one with the red stripe kneeling over her fallen companion before the feed died. {"Jenkins deserved better than that, Alenko, but we can't do anything about it now. I need you to focus. Can you?"}

The image and sound from the drone started to crackle with static and fade. {"Aye, aye, Commander Shepard….."}

* * *

Kaidan looked up from where Jenkins' body lay twisted on the ground, arms half up, blood oozing from the smoking holes that riddled his body. "I'm with you."

Shepard's voice crackled loudly through the headsets. "Alright, let's go give them hell for this, Lieutenant."

Kaidan followed her, like her taking cover behind the outcroppings as they advanced up the field. When four drones flew out from behind trees, Shepard dropped, rolled and took two of them down before he'd even had a chance to squeeze off a shot. He'd never seen such accuracy at that speed. He did his best to keep up, but the next set of drones caught him across the shoulder before he could reach cover, and he thought he was a goner. With a staccato burst of fire, Shepard dropped them before they could finish him. For a minute, the only sound over their headsets now was their labored breathing.

"Lieutenant?"

"I'm okay. Just cover me for a second." His fingers shook a little as he unfastened a pouch on his belt and slipped out a packet of medigel. After a moment's difficulty, he managed to rip the packet open and squeeze the contents on where the rounds had ripped through his light, flexible armor suit. If their rounds had been treated with anything, and if the bleeding wasn't too heavy, this would keep him on his feet, stopping the bleeding and the spread of bacteria or other contaminants that might coat the rounds.

When he was ready, he gripped his pistol again, and cautiously rose to peek over the boulder. Shepard was bent over a boulder ahead, her assault rifle supported on the rock, scanning ahead, waiting for him. His eyes ran over the curves of her nicely shaped buttocks. These tight flexible armor suits didn't leave much to the imagination, didn't protect very well, and he was suddenly aware of what a real distraction they could be on the battlefield. He felt newly self-conscious with how they revealed every curve and bulge on them both. Under the suit, he could feel he was sweating profusely. "Uh, Ma'am, I'm ready."

"Don't tell me, Alenko, show me."

Kaidan wasn't sure if that note in her voice was annoyance or humor. He pushed his poorly timed thoughts away and leapfrogged her position. They advanced up another hill, and heard nearby gunfire. Shepard raised a fist. He stopped. Down the ridge from where they'd halted, a female soldier ran into the open, pursued by more of the drones like those that had killed Jenkins and had been hunting them. Before either of them could react, the soldier dove, rolled and took both down with some fantastic shooting. They were almost to her when actual robots ran into view, weapons blazing. Kaidan pushed them biotically, Shepard dropped one, and the unknown female soldier the other.

"Good teamwork," Shepard commented as she approached the woman. "I'm Commander Shepard. Give me a status report."

Kaidan felt somewhat jealous of the woman's hardsuit as she stood. "Thanks for the help, Commander. I'm Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams of the 212. We were patrolling the perimeter when the robots attacked. We tried to get off a distress call, but they'd cut communications. I've been fighting for my life ever since." He scanned the area and noticed some kits that must have been dropped by fleeing colonists. "One of my company identified them as geth, a race created by the quarians, who turned on their creators, kicked them off their own planet, and hadn't been seen since, some 200 years, until today."

"Where's the rest of the 212?" While Shepard questioned the Gunnery Chief, Kaidan used his omnitool to open the locks on the different abandoned kits.

"I'm all that's left." William's response hardly registered with him as he pulled out a nice new camo hardsuit. He started to strip off his armor and replace it with the hard suit.

"We need to find the beacon. I want you to join us." Shepard turned to lead the way and caught Kaidan half undressed.

"Aye, aye, Ma'am. It should be …" Williams also stopped short at the sight of him peeling off his damaged armor and replacing it with the one he'd found. "… just a little way behind where I was."

"What are you doing, Lieutenant?" There was no mistaking the annoyance this time.

"My armor was damaged. I'll be quick." Were they both going to watch?

"Yes you will, or you'll be dead." Shepard turned away. He wasn't sure if she meant the geth would kill him or she would.

"Actually, Commander, I can give you a better sidearm than the one you have." Williams pulled a pistol out of her pack. "I see you have the Alliance standard issue. The 212 upgraded several months back. I always travel with a spare."

Shepard took the weapon, but what exactly she said was not clear, though it sounded very much like a string of cuss words. Then, "….Thank you, Williams. Alenko, we're moving out." She strode off up the hill. Williams eyed him, then followed.

Kaidan finished suiting up. He heard what she said next over the headsets before he caught up with them.

"What the hell is that?"

"I don't know, Ma'am. The geth have been impaling anyone they could catch on them."

"Why don't they just shoot them?"

As Kaidan came into sight, he saw what had made Shepard stop. Tall metal spires rose skyward with a man impaled on it. The man moaned, and glowed a little, his eyes rolled back in his head. "He's still alive!"

Shepard scanned the impaled victim with her omnitool. "I don't see any way to get this to retract."

Kaidan hurried up. "My background is tech, let me try, Commander. Maybe we can save him."

"It doesn't seem good that he's glowing like that." Williams sounded skeptical.

"No, it doesn't. You have one minute, Alenko."

He wanted to regain some face in the Commander's eyes, but after a frantic minute, he had to confess. "I can't get it to retract."

"Fine." Shepard raised her rifle and shot the colonist three times in the head. His body jumped with each shot, then all was silent.

They kept quiet for a moment, until Williams whispered, "When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes, I all alone beweep my outcast state, and trouble deaf Heaven with my bootless cries, and look upon myself, and curse my fate, wishing me like to one more rich in hope…."

Shepard swiveled to look at Williams. "Did you just quote _Shakespeare_, Master Chief!?" she interrupted incredulously.

"Yes, I knew this man. He was Tern Halganessy."

Shepard shook her head. "Shakespeare … unfucking believeable. Move out!" She led the way.

"What's so weird about quoting Shakespeare? A man died. He deserved something, some kind of epitaph, some comfort for his soul." Williams took up the middle. "Are you against poetry?"

"Why not, 'The quality of mercy is not strained?'" Shepard retorted as she ran up and ducked down behind another boulder.

Kaidan leapfrogged them both, staying out of it. It wasn't really his thing, anyway.

Williams went next, moving in front of him. "I suppose that would work too, though that was more about not killing…."

"Or, 'oh reason not the need, our poorest beggars are in their basest things superfluous?'" Shepard moved between them and further up, taking up a covering position.

Kaidan, silent. Williams, "You lost me on that one. I don't see how it fits."

Shepard, "Shall I tell you why it doesn't?" She propped her rifle on an outcropping. "Because we're on a fucking battlefield!" As if to illustrate her point, she fired, and Kaidan joined in shooting at the advancing geth. "We've got three or four incoming. Don't quote. Shoot!"

Williams promptly dropped two. "Aye, aye." The rest were down in another minute, and the three of them stood in a clearing ringed with supplies that had been discarded. "It's not like it's one or the other….," Williams muttered.

"Just … save it for when we don't need to kill things."

Kaidan went over to one of the dropped boxes and rummaged through.

"Fine, but I don't know what the big deal is."

Shepard, having finished surveying the area, turned to the Gunnery Chief. "Where's the beacon, Williams?"

Williams looked around, frowning. "I don't understand. It was right here this morning. They must have moved it."

"Ya think?" Shepard stood with a hand on one hip, her assault rifle stock resting in the crook of her other elbow and pointing away from them. "Where would they move it to?"

"Maybe back to the scientists' camp?" Williams pointed further up the steep hill.

"Right." Shepard swiveled around to see Kaidan. "What are you doing, Lieutenant?"

"Looking for things that would help." He tossed bits and sundries here and there.

"It's called looting."

He shrugged. "That's what soldiers do."

"We're Marines. On a mission. No more looting! We don't have time to spare."

He frowned at her. "Fine." This was not going to make her popular with the crew. Maybe she only meant for this mission, though. One could hope.

They met no more resistance as they climbed the hill, but a grim scene awaited them at the top, with a small forest of those spiky things, each with a body impaled, and the ground littered with the corpses.

"Commander…." He stopped. He didn't like the idea of her shooting every one of the impaled bodies, and he liked less the thought of being ordered to do it himself, even if it was the kindest thing they could do. These bodies looked different though, they were grayer and glowed more. He moved closer to get a better look.

"Pemer!" Williams ran to where the bodies of soldiers lay scattered on the ground and knelt beside them, shaking them. "B'vank! Stenlitz!" They were all dead. She received no response, not even a groan.

"Williams, we haven't cleared the area…." Shepard warned. With a click, the spikes slowly retracted. Alenko jumped back. "Alenko…." Shepard joined Williams.

"Something's happening. Something not good…." Kaidan intoned, raising his pistol as he backed toward the other two.

Williams stood and raised her rifle. "They're not dead!?"

As the spikes retracted, a person, if he could still be called that now that he was covered in blue electrical patterns with metal sticking out of his openings, hunched over, stood, and then ran at them.

"Whoa!" Kaidan sent a push wave that knocked the creature back and watched a small circular cylinder fly past him and roll under the retracted spike things, where several more metal-laced people hunched, stood…. It registered what it was just as he heard Shepard call out, "Hit the deck, Alenko!" He dove toward Shepard as the grenade exploded, raining dirt and body parts down on them in thick clumps.

"I take it back." Shepard said, disentangling herself. "Our teamwork could use improvement. Stay close and stay sharp from now on you two. You're not FNGs. Don't act like them."

Kaidan pushed himself to his feet. They all heard the whimper that came from the nearby prefab building. Shepard tried the door, and it didn't budge. She knocked, and it opened.

"Phew, humans," the scientist said who poked her head out and surveyed them, only she said it so fast it sounded like "Phew-mans." Kaidan thought it kind of apt. Maybe the horror of the spiky things was getting to him.

"You alright?" Shepard asked. The man inside the building started to babble, and she cut him off. "Yes or no?"

"Yes, we're fine." The scientist turned to Williams. "Your unit saved our lives."

Kaidan tried not to laugh. During brain camp, whenever Vymnus had talked about units, they had always treated the word as a substitute for "penis." It would have them cracking up whenever Vymnus tried to lecture them about anything, especially troop movements, and then they'd all blame their laughter on their implants, saying it was a side effect. For the second time since the mission started, Kaidan fought another very inappropriate urge at the thought that Williams's "unit" had saved anyone, let alone existed. Yeah, he'd pay good money to see that. He coughed to cover his laugh.

Shepard shot him a dirty look. "I'm glad. This area's safe for now."

The female scientist nodded. "We don't need help, but I'm sure others do. We'll let you go."

Shepard stalked away. Williams looked confusedly between Shepard and Kaidan, not understanding what was going on. The three came to a sudden stop as they crested the hill.

"Holy…." Williams muttered. "Look at the size of that ship. It's as big as a city."

They watched it lift off, Kaidan with open-mouthed shock, all mirth gone.

* * *

Shepard recognized the ship from the vid feed of the attack, but the vid had not done full justice to its scale. "If it's leaving, the geth may already have the beacon! Double-time it! Lieutenant, you take the left, Chief, you take the right. I have point."

They dashed down the hill, jumping over bodies and gunning down more of the creatures and geth as they went. They ran until the sight of a different kind of body on the train station's platform brought them to an abrupt halt.

"Commander! It's Nihlus!" Kaidan knelt and felt for a pulse, though the size of the dark blue blood pooling around Nihlus's still form made it unlikely that he'd find one. Plus, the back of Nihlus's head was missing. Shepard had seen enough death to recognize it instantaneously even without those clues, however. She let the details register as the meaning sunk it. The Spectre sent to evaluate her performance for entry into their elite cadre was dead—and whatever or whoever had killed him remained at large, and probably with the beacon.

"You knew this … turian?" Williams asked. Shepard noticed that one edge of Williams's lip curled up as she asked, and wondered what that was about. The three tensed at a nearby sound.

Shepard nodded and raised her pistol, pointing it at the crates in front of them. "Come out now, slowly and with your hands up, or you'll end up like my turian friend."

A man crawled out from behind the crates, then lifted up his hands to surrender.

"What happened here?"

The man was pale and wore a simple gray knit cap pulled low and brown coveralls. Shepard recognized the outfit as that of a colony dockworker. "A big ship landed with a terrible noise that could make your brain bleed and these robots came out and shot everyone in sight and then this guy came and saw another one like him and put his weapon away and the other one shot him in the back of the head and the one that shot him…."

"Take a breath. Slow down." Shepard knelt beside the babbling colonist. "How did you escape?"

The colonist hung his head, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. "Well, I was taking a nap behind the crates…."

"You're alive because you're lazy?!" Williams's hands were on her hips.

Shepard placed one hand on the colonist's shoulder. "You're lucky to be alive."

The colonist looked into her eyes. "I'm not … sure … about that."

"It's suspicious." Kaidan weighed in. He looked worried. "How do we know he didn't help the enemy? The ship landed here. They couldn't have missed him. We'd better search him for weapons or look for booby traps."

"Stand down, Lieutenant." Shepard stood and got in Kaidan's face. "It's possible to survive almost anything. It doesn't mean he's at fault."

"I don't know about that…." Williams contributed.

Shepard reached a hand out to help the colonist up. "I do." Kaidan suddenly remembered what he'd read about her service record, and shut up.

"Thanks," the colonist muttered, letting her pull him to his feet.

Her pistol went back in its holster. "Did you happen to see the beacon?"

"Yeah, they took it to D platform this morning, before the attack. Actually, that's where the guy who shot your friend just headed. If you hurry, you might catch him, though…" The colonist shrugged. "…I'm not sure that'd be a good idea." The colonist looked around at the debris and bodies everywhere, apparently at a loss over what to do next. "Wait, I remember, your friend called him Saren."

That was a feeling Shepard remembered. "Saren?" Shepard frowned. That sounded vaguely familiar. She'd read that name somewhere, in some report, but where?

"Yeah." His lost look intensified.

"There are other survivors up the hill over there." She pointed. "If you join them, you could all head to the nearest evacuation or rally point, and see how you could help. What's your name?"

"Powell."

"Thank you, Powell. You've been a big help. Go find your friends. We'll take care of this Saren." Shepard watched him head off.

Williams and Alenko exchanged a glance. Alenko mouthed, "Mindoir" and pointed to Shepard. Williams frowned and shook her head to show she hadn't understood. Alenko waved it away.

"Williams, Alenko, let's go get the beacon, and Saren. Somebody's got to pay for what has been done here. Don't you agree?" Shepard pulled her assault rifle off her pack again, checked the scope, and stepped over Nihlus's body.

* * *

Saren had left a whole geth company behind to guard the station, and within minutes a battle for the station raged with the three of them honing how best to work together. Shepard and Williams were much better shots than Alenko, especially at range, but he was the only one with biotics. He saved and focused his fire for enemies that got close, and his biotics made a huge difference in taking out the geth shields, and in keeping the three of them from being swarmed. Williams managed more kill shots, but Shepard made more kills by using the environment, identifying and taking out explosive canisters and lobbing grenades to blow up several geth at once. The geth spread out in response and concentrated heavy fire on them. Using a tight v formation and the leapfrogging approach that had served them well before, Shepard, Williams and Alenko advanced with cover and finally cleared the train platform of the geth company after an intense 15 minutes. The silence after the sustained gunfire was disorienting. Their heavy breathing over the headsets and the wind whipping across the platform seemed unusually loud.

"Alenko…," Shepard didn't even have to look at him. Their training had kicked in, and they had reached that point of knowing each other's styles so that they could sense what each other wanted or needed. Shepard loved it went such moments of flow came on the battlefield.

Kaidan moved to the train's controls, and with a lurch, they were on their way. It wasn't far.

Shepard knew she didn't have to tell them to expect even heavier resistance at the D platform. Bullets whizzed overhead as they hopped off the train, but what grabbed her attention was the large, cylindrical and unmistakeable shape of a bomb sitting there. She knelt immediately. "Keep them off me." With the blade of her omnitool, she pried open the casing, revealing the small wires, yellow, orange and purple zebra stripped, black. Bullets sang off the pavement. The timer read 2 minutes. The skid of a bullet beside her sprinkled her with chips of cement. She didn't look up. "Williams, I'm taking too much heat."

Williams put her body between the enemy and Shepard. "Understood, Ma'am." She pulled out her sniper rifle, snapped out the legs. "LT, take the high ground. Let's buy her some time." Williams put her eye to the scope and quickly stopped the nearby cascade of shots. Kaidan ran up the stairs.

"We have incoming. Watch your left, Chief." He shouted.

"I see them!"

With nimble fingers, Shepard untangled the mass of wires, tracking down which one fed the ignition switch. Hidden in the jungle of them, her fingertips touched and ran along a smooth cylinder, then another, probably mercury filled. Ok, and the shape of that, and the faint buzz under her fingers, that meant it was a nuke. Saren planned to take the whole colony out then, but what about the beacon? "Do either of you have a pocket knife or file, something small, maybe a pin?" The timer read 1 minute.

"No, Ma'am." Williams glanced back. "Can you disarm it?" She shouted up to Kaidan, "LT—do you have a knife?"

"Nevermind." Thinking fast, Shepard unclipped her last pin-activated grenade, pulled and kept the pin, and lobbed the grenade up and across to the opposite platform. Using the pin, she stripped the three different colored wires close to where they connected to the mercy switches. The timer read 15 seconds. She couldn't help holding her breath as she held the three stripped wires together. A small blue arc of electricity danced across, burning her fingers as the bomb's controls shorted out. Shepard pulled her fingers away and instinctively stuck them in her mouth and sucked on them for a second to stop the burn, then took them out and shook them. "Let's go, Williams. I'm betting there are more. Hopefully, they didn't all set them at the same time." Shepard covered Williams as she closed the tripod legs on the front of her sniper and folded them down along the barrel. "Alenko—scan for others."

"Already done, Commander. I'm reading three. I'm sending the locations to your omni." He dropped one of the geth approaching up the side to flank them.

"Good shot, LT!" Williams crowed, slapping him on the back as they ran up behind him, and then past, Shepard legging it in front. He took up the rear. Their boots clanged loudly on the metal landings, stairs, and walkways as they sped to the next bomb. This one had better cover. Shepard managed to disarm it even quicker, once she determined it had the same set up. Still, there'd been less than two minutes on the timer when they'd gotten there. It was going to be a very close thing.

"Keep moving up." She waved them ahead. "Chief, can you flank?"

"Negative, they'd be on you and the LT before I could get there."

Geth snipers tried to pin them down. Shepard squeezed through the small opening between the girders and the wall. Shots rang and ricocheted off the steel.

Williams gave a little grunt. "I'm hit."

"Bad?" Shepard couldn't look back. She'd located the third device and saw she had one minute while she was prying the cover off.

"No." Williams sounded a little shaken. "I'll be ok."

A sharp plastic crack sounded at the same time as Kaidan's, "Ow!"

"L.T.?"

"My helmet's cracked, that's all. Commander, do you have any more grenades?"

Again the burn as she pressed the wires together. Her fingertips had blistered. One more to go. She stood, pressed her back against the steel post, quickly peeked out to determine the positions of the enemies and saw the problem. They were sniping from behind shields that blocked progress to the last device. "No."

"You'd think they'd fall back with a bomb about to go off behind them." Williams slammed the bolt up for the recharge on her sniper and waited for the reload. "What are you doing?!"

Shepard turned out of cover and strode straight up the walkway toward their shielded opponents, her pistol held at arm's length in front of her. "I'm already soaked. I'm not afraid of a little more rain." Bullets whizzed by her loud as angry bees. With steady bursts of three, she took down the shields and two of the geth before her pistol overloaded, ignoring the shots creasing her armor. "Think of it this way—would you rather be shot, or blown up?" Her shields beeped a warning. They were almost used up.

"Or both?" Kaidan muttered to Williams, who grinned and followed Shepard's lead.

Shepard's shields collapsed just as Williams joined her, but she had almost reached the geth's position, and there weren't many left standing.

"Great," Kaidan muttered to himself this time. "You're both crazy."

"We're both crazy what?" Shepard joked over the headset amidst the cacophony.

"You're both crazy, ma'am." Kaidan threw himself out of cover just in time to see Shepard run the last geth through with her omniblade. It fell with an electronic wheeze.

"Hell, yes!" Williams laughed, delighted to find she was still alive.

Shepard ran to the last device. Thirty seconds. Dammit. Only her training kept her fingers steady, but the blisters slowed her down on stripping the wires. She caught one blister with the pin, popping it, and dropping the pin with the surprise pain of jabbing through to raw skin. The blister started to ooze. "Fuck!" One wire still had its sheathe! Ten seconds.

"That's not what I like to hear from a sapper." Kaidan commented. He and Williams exchanged a worried glance, and tensed.

"Commander?" Williams sounded scared.

Shepard bent and bit the casing off the last wire. Two seconds. She gathered all three bared parts in her mouth, and current flowed among them, burning her mouth and shorting out the last bomb with a second to spare. With one hand she wiped her forehead as she lifted her head. That had been too close.

"Fuck yeah!" Williams cheered, lifting her sniper rifle and shooting it into the air. "Woo hoo!"

Kaidan placed his hand on Shepard's shoulder. "You ok?"

She nodded. Nobody had ever died of an electrical burn to the mouth, she was pretty sure. "The beacon?"

"It's still here, just a few hundred meters that way." Kaidan pointed to stairs on their left. "It looks like they didn't want to pick it up but to destroy it."

"Are you sure there are no more bombs?" Shepard strode to the railing on the left and surveyed the lower platform. She could see a few of those spiky things-they really needed to come up with a good name for those-but not the beacon.

"No more like that." Kaidan stood beside her.

"Williams, you want to do the honors?" Shepard gestured to the stairs leading down. Her mouth felt funny.

The Chief grinned. "Yes, Ma'am."

The last little firefight between them, a few of the creatures, and two of the geth, was practically over before it started. Then the three surveyed the object of their mission in the roaring post-battle silence. The black metal beacon stood about fifteen feet tall, about two feet wide and slightly convex. It pulsed with green energy, and a beam emanated from its top and disappeared into the clouds far above.

Shepard turned partly away to call the ship. "Normandy, the beacon is secure and ready for pickup at our coordinates. We're standing by." Behind her, she could hear Alenko and Williams discussing the beacon.

"It wasn't doing anything like that when they found it." Williams looked at it suspiciously. "The geth must have activated it somehow."

"Activate? How?" Kaidan asked her. "What do these things do?"

Williams shrugged and shook her head. "How the hell would I know?"

Kaidan walked closer to the beacon to check it out. "This is amazing, actual working technology that's millennia old. What power source could last that long?"

"Ma'am," Williams turned to Shepard as Shepard signed off. "Is there a chance I could…."

Shepard shoved her aside and ran for Kaidan. His feet slid toward the base of the beacon even as he leaned away. He struggled to turn away from it as the beacon pulled him in. Her shoulder made solid contact with his solar plexus as she tackled him and used her momentum to shove him away. The remaining momentum was not enough to break her free too. For a moment she scrambled and scratched at the platform's surface for purchase, and then a wave of energy hit her and lifted her up, forcing her legs and arms apart and bending her backward. It burned along her spinal cord and brain and every nerve in her body. She couldn't breath. It invaded her mind.

"Commander!" Kaidan shouted and lunged for her, but Williams caught and held him back.

"You can't. It's too dangerous." They both watched helplessly as the Commander struggled and then went rigid five feet off the ground.

Flesh tore before her eyes, screams rang in her ears, flesh burned, terror filled her, shards of disintegrating consciousness trapped in the moments of their final agony flooded her, machines ripped open and defiled the living, and she was them and they were her. These and a million more not just images but entire experiences flashed through her as she felt in minutes the torment of a hundred thousand alien souls. It invaded all her senses. She fought against it, fought to retain some sense of self, fought to survive, fought the agony, fought to close her mind from it. She tried to scream, for it to stop, for help, but she couldn't make a sound. Voices cried out in a language she couldn't understand or bear, as the images and experiences flashed faster, became more intense. Her head felt like it would explode.

The beacon shattered, and her body dropped to the platform, but she was no longer aware.

* * *

Geth grabbed Benezia's arms and pulled her from the command room to another chamber where Saren sat. He had hurried aboard and the ship had sped off to get clear of the explosions he expected.

"Do you know why our bombs did not go off?" He did not look at her as he spoke.

"Bombs?" Benezia watched as the geth left. "You said you would spare the rest of the colony!"

"You strain my credulity with that question more than I must have burdened yours with that statement." His voice was flat. "Do you know what happened or not?"

She cleared her throat. "We identified the ship that touched down. It was the _Normandy_, an Alliance vessel under the command of Captain Anderson. It seems they managed to save the colony." The note of triumph in her voice was subdued but unmistakeable.

Saren growled. "And the beacon?"

"One of the humans may have used it." She remained absolutely still as the room flashed red, and Saren jumped out of his chair, enraged.

He smashed a nearby console and toppled it from where it stood. It narrowly missed her. "Raaaagh!" He charged. This was it. He grasped her face in his talons and squeezed. She remained impassive, even as they dug into her cheeks, awaiting the death blow, but he grew still, breathing heavily. "This human must be eliminated." He struggled to control himself. "First you will experience Sovereign's full power. Since you won't remember this afterward, I'll tell you now. I'm sending krogan and geth to get your daughter, your precious _Liara_, from Therum, and even when she sees what I've done to you, she won't be able to do anything but help me. _You_ will make sure of that."

His words hit her worse than any blow could have. "No!"

"Yessss," he hissed in anger. "You should have listened to me. I told you I could come up with worse punishments. I told you it was your last chance." He released her, and stepped away. "Goodbye, Benezia."

Red light arced throughout the room.


	7. Burn

**Burn**

from Stanley Kunitz's _King of the River_

_The great clock of your life  
is slowing down,  
and the small clocks run wild.  
For this you were born.  
You have cried to the wind  
and heard the wind's reply:  
"I did not choose the way,  
the way chose me."  
You have tasted the fire on your tongue  
till it is swollen black  
with a prophetic joy:  
"Burn with me!  
The only music is time,  
the only dance is love."_

* * *

The disc, swathed in blue biotics, soared high and far, right over the edge. The young maiden, running fast, intent only on catching it, didn't see the danger until too late. Without making a sound, she tumbled after it. Her playmates, who had yelled warnings, shrieked in horror at watching her fall from sight. They ran to where she'd disappeared. Far below, where the cliff face had crumbled and had left a mound of grey earth by tumbled, jagged, grey rocks, they could see the splayed body of their friend lying very small and still. The disc floated in the surf nearby, reflecting sunlight as it rocked gently back and forth with the waves.

"BENNY!" Fe'ira shouted. "Can you hear me?" The wind blew in from the sea, pushing her words back at her. "BENEZIA!" They had no effect on her friend, if she even heard them.

One of the slight asari beside her, Thais, covered her face with her hands. "Oh Goddess, I killed her! I didn't mean to push it so far! Why didn't she look where she was going?!" Tears welled up in her eyes. "I can't bear to look."

Kandake lay on the ground, her head over the edge, and stretched out an arm toward her fallen friend as she tried to get her biotics to reach that far. They were not sufficient.

Iolanta grabbed Kandake's legs. "The edge isn't strong. Don't do that. You'll fall too." And indeed, more of the cliff's lip gave way under Kandake's weight, rolling down the long steep face below her, breaking up as it went, and landing on the body of their friend.

"Ahh! Help!" Kandake called, trying to slither back, but blocked by Iolanta's weight. Fe'ira quickly joined Iolanta in pulling Kandake back on to more solid ground.

"I told you." Iolanta smacked Kandake on the shoulder. "That was stupid."

Fe'ira hugged Thais. "It'll be okay. Benezia can't be dead. We can get help for her." Other asari in the park, families, had heard their screams and were running over. Even a couple of tall asari in flowing robes were coming down the steps of the nearby temple. "See. People are coming."

"What happened?" One of the asari parents asked, kneeling down beside Thais.

"We were playing hoverball…" Thais began, tears rolling down her face, "and Benezia fell!"

"It was an accident," Iolanta explained.

The older asari paled. "She went over the edge?" Her turian mate shook her head, and clutched their child to her more tightly.

Kandake grabbed the older asari's sleeve and tried to tug her to the edge. "Yes! You have to help her!" She was frantic.

The older asari exchanged a look with her mate. "Be careful," the turian said, and stayed put with their daughter.

"You stay here," the older asari ordered Kandake and then cautiously approached the edge, and looked down. "Oh my."

The rapidly forming crowd parted as five tall asari from the temple swept up. Their shimmering robes and grace gave them the appearance of floating into their midst like a bright rain cloud. Two wore silver dresses, and their bearing marked them as matriarchs. With them were three temple douli, the bondservants of Athame's priestesses, in the silver-edged lilac robes of springtime. Their presence had a calming effect, and the crowd quieted.

One of the matriarchs knelt between Kandake and Thais. "Tiknoni, we heard your screams. What distresses you?"

Kandake stared at her agape, intimidated by the poise and age of the asari beside her. She had never been so close to a matriarch before. Thais backed up. Iolanta looked at Fe'ira.

Fe'ira bowed her head, her hands clasped together in front of her, as she had seen done at temple. "Please, Mitera, our friend has fallen off the cliff." Behind her Thais let out a hiccupping sob. "She needs help."

A murmur went round the crowd, but the matriarch held up a hand and all became silent, except for Thais's sniffles. The matriarch nodded at Fe'ira, and reached out and lightly touched her cheek. "Let us see what can be done. Show me where your friend went." She rose to her full height and held out a hand.

Fe'ira felt better the instant she took it. It was warm and dry and strong. She snuck a peek up at the matriarch under her lashes as they slowly walked toward the edge. Leaning over, Fe'ira saw the disc still floating on the waves, but there was no sign of her friend. "She's gone!" Her whole body tensed. "Oh no! The waves have taken her!" She looked up at the matriarch in distress, and some in the crowd gasped. Kandake wrapped her arms around Thais to comfort her, and Iolanta frowned, hands on her hips.

The matriarch blinked slowly at Fe'ira. "Look again. Do not be afraid. Have the waves claimed where your friend lay?" The deep cadence of her voice soothed Fe'ira.

Fe'ira looked back down. "No." She frowned in puzzlement. "She was right there, on that pile of dirt." She pointed.

"Then there must be another explanation. Shall we go down and have a look?" An aura of dark energy enveloped them both as the matriarch stepped to the edge, squeezed Fe'ira's hand reassuringly, and stepped off.

"Megas…," Fe'ira whispered, wide-eyed, as they slowly floated down toward the water together, bursts of deep purple emanating from the Matriarch and rippling over them, tingling along Fe'ira's skin.

* * *

Far below, Benezia woke, sat up and dusted dirt off her lap and legs. When she'd gone over the edge, much to her shock, her biotics had flared. She had managed to slow her descent before they had failed, but the landing had knocked her out. She wasn't sure for how long. The sun still shone high in the sky, and she squinted and shielded her eyes as she looked up.

She couldn't see anyone atop the steep cliff face. Her shout caused a small landslide, and she ducked quickly, raising her hands over her head to fend it off. She decided she wouldn't do that again. Searching for other options, she tugged on one of the bazurita vines that clung to the cliffside, to see if she could climb it. It pulled out of the dry soil, dislodging another shower of dirt. When the dirt had finally stopped falling, she brushed off her crests and shoulders and looked around her. No path or trail appeared to reach this small spit of land. She couldn't see a way up, or around, unless she swam in the surf. She considered it. The water seethed as it swept in over rocks, and she guessed strong currents swirled underneath. However, there seemed to be a small opening in the cliff face nearby, some kind of cave maybe. Stumbling over to the opening, she tried to see inside. The darkness seemed vast. She looked behind her to where the waves sucked at the loose stones and sand, to gauge if it would rise and trap her inside. She couldn't tell, but besides going in the water, there wasn't anything else she could see to try, so she sat and eased herself down into the opening.

A thin sheathe of slime covered the rocks, and she slid down them until her feet caught on a raised rough white patch that tripped her. She fell forward, arms outstretched, into a pool up to her nose in cold water and felt something feathery slap against her face. Water splashed everywhere as she recoiled, terrified, her feet kicking for purchase and slipping, until she managed to throw herself backward a little too hard onto the cold black stone, her fingers tightening on the slight sharp ridges and gaining purchase in the crevices there. She stayed still for a minute, the sound of her panting being absorbed into the darkness. As it grew quieter and her eyes adjusted to the faintly shimmering of the stone in the dark, she heard an almost musical dripping of single drops into pools. Each landed with a slightly different resonance, and behind it all she heard the hushed sibilance of the sea against the shore. All around her, as far as she could tell, stretched ledges and ledges of stone on which myriad pools of different sizes reflected back silvery light not only from the opening she had come through, but also from that of other more distant and shadowy shafts of light. Some drips plunked loudly and deeply nearby, some lightly and more quietly farther away.

Carefully, she got to her feet and weaved among the pools, climbing up some ledges and dropping down others, toward one of the brighter distant shafts of light. She made slow, steady progress until she reached a place where the ledge dropped more precipitously three of four times her height below her. The rock slanted down and inward at an angle that gave her no purchase, and the cracks in the rock did not give her enough to grip. Shutting her eyes and concentrating, she tried to summon biotics. A bead of sweat gathered on her forehead, glimmered and ran down her face, but she couldn't manage more than a slight warming glow too weak to hold her up. Tired, sore and unsure of what to do next, she brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. The fading of her biotics left her colder and shaky. She missed her friends. She wasn't used to being alone.

As she sat there, she looked down at the pool on the ledge beside her. It had a diamond shape, for the stone had cracked halfway through the ledge and the backward slant to it had caught and cupped the water against the rock wall she had climbed down. No drops disturbed its obsidian surface. She leaned in closer. The cave grew very dark.

* * *

As their feet touched down on the soil and their weight slowly settled into it, Fe'ira looked around.

"What do you see, Tiknon?" The matriarch released Fe'ira's hand and watched her.

Fe'ira took in the cliff face, the vines, the surf, and then she saw. "Oh, a cave!" She grabbed the matriarch's hand and tugged on it. "Come on, she must be in there."

"Indeed." The matriarch let herself be led.

Fe'ira dropped the matriarch's hand when they got to the opening and knelt down, grabbing hold of the side as she stuck her head in. "Benny! Are you in there? Can you hear me?" Going from the bright sunlight to the dark cave, her eyes couldn't make out anything. "Benny!" She brought her head back out and looked up at the matriarch, whose tall shape shielded Fe'ira's eyes from the sun. "We have to go in and look for her."

The matriarch looked back at the surf, then down at Fe'ira. "Let me lead the way." Stooping, she slowly went through the opening and moments later, Fe'ira felt herself lifted and pulled through biotically.

When her eyes adjusted, she saw the matriarch beside her, glowing more brightly than the rock beds around them or the scattered pools of water. The pools seemed to actually soak in the light. Instinctively, she reached for the comfort of the matriarch's hand. "Where are we?" she whispered.

"A place few have seen, the site the temple above celebrates, the Pools of Destiny." The matriarch spoke quietly, reverently, as she stared off into the far reaches of the cave. "I did not know they stretched this far. I have not been to this part."

"Pools? For swimming? They are too small." Fe'ira kept whispering, but disappointment showed in her voice as she dismissed the idea. It would be megas if Benny had found a good place to swim, but this place made the back of her head itch. "This place feels … dangerous, Mitera."

The matriarch squeezed her hand. "Truly holy places always are, Tiknon. Wherever the Goddess can be met, we must tremble, for she is wild, powerful, and unknowable, and her love wonderful and terrible. It confronts us with all that is much greater than ourselves."

Fe'ira's eyes grew wide, then she frowned. "I won't let her hurt Benny." Pulling her hand away, she stepped forward, cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled. "Benny, watch out for the Goddess, she's in here, and she's mean!" The cave swallowed up the sound, though faint whispers of echo rose from the pools.

The matriarch laughed. "Your friend is very lucky to have so loyal a playmate. Come let us find this 'Benny.' Where do you think she would have gone from here?"

The Goddess stalking her friend didn't seem funny to Fe'ira, so she kept frowning. "Probably toward the light." Fe'ira pointed to the brightest distant shaft before she turned back to the matriarch, hands on her hips. "Will Benny be okay? I mean with the Goddess, if she finds her first?"

"You will both be fine if you take care not to look in the pools." The matriarch seemed to glow even brighter as she made her way slowly down some ledges in the direction Fe'ira had pointed. "I do not know what, if any, danger they pose to maidens as young as you. Please forgive me for worrying you. We will find her."

"We're not that young," Fe'ira informed the matriarch as she scrambled in the same direction. "Benny's 10, and I'm 12."

"That's old enough to know better than to play beside a cliff." The matriarch said softly, troubled that they'd heard no answering reply from this tiknon's friend. She feared that the little one had come to some harm, and so very young.

"We weren't by the cliff. Thais just pushed too far, and Benny ran too fast." Fe'ira corrected her. Her fear of the very old, very tall matriarch had faded. "Hey, something's happening in this pool."

* * *

The surface of the pool was flat and blacker than the stone around it, as if the stone had bled inky darkness, as if silence and centuries had wept and coalesced in this one spot.

Benezia held her breath as she bent over it, afraid to trouble so smooth a surface, doubting that with so little light she could see in it, but drawn nonetheless. Benezia herself glowed, and by that light she did see—_a tall gray lady made of stone, a road of water_. She shone more brightly. _Many faces turned to her, and she knew but did not recognize them. A__ small group of asari danced around a circle of seven stones, a metal-faced turian revealed a metal heart, __a garden blossomed around a yellow house,_ _white fell from the sky,_ her elbows weakened and her head dipped closer to the pool. _An asari with milky eyes approached her,__ a yacht rocked on a moonlit sea, _dark brown eyes filled with tears, _a monster swallowed an asari, a glass flower spun, stars fell from the sky,_ her head felt heavy as stone, _cruel blue eyes regarded her from under a black headdress, orange blossoms floated in clear water, screaming people fled, circles of asari rose, an asari baby squirmed,_ her face dipped into the pool but she managed to lift it again, _red lightning, blackened eyes, __being underwater, __a vast ship, _mountains, metal spikes, a red door, an alien, wide halls, a bed, _a gun,_ a tree, with each image the pool leeched energy from her. She whimpered softly before her face finally sunk into the pool and stayed there.

* * *

The pools beside the matriarch emitted a pale blue mist. "No!" Moving with surprising speed, she reached her small companion and pulled her away from the pool. "You mustn't. Tiknon!"

"Whoa." Fe'ira's eyes were black from the pool's effect as she was scooped up into the matriarch's arms. "Megas!"

The pools still shone. The matriarch frowned. They should have stopped when she removed the tiknon. Unless… She hoisted the tiknon on to her shoulder and with a prayer to the Goddess, reached out blindly with a wide pull in the direction they had been climbing. There she was, the little one's friend. The matriarch pulled her to their ledge, set her down, then knelt. The tiknon on her shoulder wiggled, and she set her on her feet by her friend.

Fe'ira's eyes had returned to normal, although she felt very strange, like her head was too big. "Benny!" She bent, grabbed Benezia's shoulders and shook her, but Benezia remained limp. "Wake up!"

"Tiknon, please give me room." The matriarch gently extricated Benezia from Fe'ira's grasp and turned her on her side. When nothing happened, she picked Benezia up, stood, held her face down, and thumped her back.

"Is she going to be okay?" Fe'ira jumped up and down. "Please tell me she'll be okay."

Benezia coughed weakly, black liquid oozing from her mouth and nose.

The matriarch hit the tiknon's back harder.

Benezia coughed louder. When the matriarch righted her, flipped her back over, she could see this tiknon had opened her eyes. They were black as the liquid oozing from her face. Benezia blinked several times, but her eyes stayed that way, and her body remained limp.

The matriarch frowned. "Your friend is alive, but she needs help. I must get her to the temple quickly. We must return the way we came. Can you walk, tiknon, while I carry your friend?"

Fe'ira nodded and scrambled toward the cave's opening. Her knees were a little wobbly and her head still felt too big, but she made it to the opening and out, where the matriarch took her hand again and lifted the three of them up to the waiting crowd above.

Kandake, Iolanta, Thais and the douli rushed forward while the rest of the small crowd stayed back, abuzz at seeing the fallen child limp in the matriarch's arms, face streaked with black.

"Is she ok?" Kandake asked Fe'ira, who shook her head.

"Oh no!" Thais's bottom lip quivered, and her eyes stayed on Benezia.

"The matriarch will fix her." Fe'ira announced.

Iolanta frowned up at the matriarch. "She'd better."

"Don't talk to her like that!" Fe'ira pushed Iolanta. "She's very old," she whispered loudly.

The matriarch turned to the douli, "Please go to the temple and tell my sisters that I'm bringing the fallen tiknon, and that she needs help."

The douli ran ahead to the temple, up the steps and out of sight. The crowd parted as the matriarch strode after them, Fe'ira, Iolanta, Thais and Kandake following in her wake.

Kandake pushed Thais when her friend stopped at the top of the stairs, she wanted in too. Thais complained. Fe'ira hushed them as the matriarch carried Benezia into a circle of other matriarchs and to the feet of one wrinkled one dressed in a white robe, with silver chains woven through her crests. She set Benezia down on the marble floor at the white one's feet, kneeling behind her, and spoke in a language Fe'ira and her friends didn't know.

The one in white rose, and knelt by Benezia. After a few minutes, Benezia propped herself up on her hands and groggily shook her head.

"What did you see?" The white elder asked her.

Benezia's head wobbled on her neck, but her eyes were their normal blue again. "Everything," she whispered.

The white elder laughed. "I have seen you … Potnia!"

The gathered matriarchs gasped, and some stepped back. The one that had carried Benezia in and still knelt behind her frowned, confused.

"She's not so smart," Iolanta whispered, "that's not her name." She nudged Fe'ira. "Tell her."

"Stop it," whined Thais from where she was hiding behind Fe'ira.

Fe'ira pushed Iolanta back. "You tell her."

The white elder smiled. "What is your name?"

"I think she heard you," Kandake whispered. "Shhhh!"

"Benezia T'Soni," the wobbled-headed one replied. She blinked, and her eyes watered as she struggled to see. Her tears ran clear, streaking the black rivulets that had marked her face. "Where am I?"

"In the Hydratemenos, the Temple of the Pools, before the Goddess's douli and the Mitera, who have sought an audience with me. I am the one they call the Pythia, and I bid you welcome, Benezia T'Soni." The elder looked up to where Benezia's friends jostled each other. Fe'ira saw that her eyes glowed almost white, with a blue ring around it, and backed up a little, to Thais's distress. "You are not alone. Let your companions come." The elder rose and held out her hand.

"Idon'twanttogetintrouble," Thais breathed. The four held back from shyness, chagrin and trepidation.

"Tiknoni, she will not hurt you," the matriarch said who had carried Benezia as she stood. "It is rude not to heed the summons of the Pythia."

Fe'ira frowned and stepped forward, approaching the Pythia and Benezia with her hands outstretched, palms down. "Thank you for helping my friend." She knelt down by Benezia and touched her shoulder, and then helped her up. "Can we go now?"

"Indeed, Sha'ira, you are free to go and do as you please." The white elder lowered her hand.

"That's not my name," Fe'ira said as she put a protective arm around Benezia. "Why do you say things that are not true? Call people by the wrong names?"

"It is only not true yet. You will answer by that name when you have joined the heterai." The elder turned to the other three. "You…" she pointed to Thais, who pointed to herself and then tried to hide behind Kandake. "You cannot stop fate, not through fear, not through courage. Take heart."

"Uh, I'm not in trouble?" Thais asked.

"No." The Phytia moved back toward her seat.

Fe'ira led the still somewhat dazed Benezia toward the steps. "We've got to go now. We're late for lunch. They'll be expecting us. Thank you for your help." Kandake nodded, and Iolanta preceded them down the stairs.

"Bye. Thank you." Relieved, Thais waved as she backed out before turning and running after the others.

"The Potnia, and you just let her go?" The matriarch who had helped Fe'ira and Benezia spoke softly as she watched the young ones disappear across the green.

The Phytia shrugged. "I too was young once. Let her play while she can. Her time will come after ours has passed. Be content. The roads that lie before her curve and fork and shadows even I cannot penetrate obscure their ends. I will inform the others that she has been found, and we will wait to see what paths she takes."

The matriarch bowed her head in acknowledgment.


	8. Bad Ice

**Bad Ice**

from Marie Howe's _Part of Eve's Discussion_

_It was …  
very much like the moment, driving on bad ice, when it occurs to you  
your car could spin, just before it slowly begins to spin, like  
the moment just before you forgot what it was you were about to say,  
it was like that, and after that, it was still, like that, only  
all the time._

* * *

When Rachel arrived at the cafeteria, a metal screen had been pulled down over the food serving area and the large room was empty except for a few students huddled over in the corner. "Right, because my day was going so well already," she muttered to herself. It looked like if she wanted to eat, she'd have to cut Chorus class and sneak across the street to one of the shops there. She shoved her hands deep in her hoodie's pockets and headed down the hall toward a side door.

Chorus class was lame. The balding elderly teacher overheated the small, dimly lit room, which had probably been a closet or something before being resurrected as a classroom. Since she had Chorus after lunch, staying awake proved particularly difficult. Plus, the teacher had them singing religious songs most of the time, only in Latin, as if then it would be okay because no one would know what they were saying. The other girls singing alto had been giggling over one of the current songs they were learning because of the line, "_Ecce enim ex hoc beatum, me dicent omnes generationes, quia fecit Mihi magna qui potens est_." Rachel had memorized the line because they kept trying it again and again. She'd probably never be able to forget it if she wanted to. Whatever it meant, it sounded like they were singing "itchy anus" at the beginning. Most of the alto girls, in fact, did sing that, no matter how many times the director tried to correct their pronunciation, no matter how many times they had to sing the line over again because of it. The girls tried and failed not to giggle when they sang it because they thought "_enim_" was a version of "anus," since the words sounded similar, and the idea of singing such an old, pretty and fancy song about that cracked them up. Sometimes their teacher would also single people out to try solos in front of everybody, and Rachel hated that, as she did the required weekly voice lesson that she had to share with two others. Yes, Chorus class was lame, but she would miss it. Sometimes, just sometimes, when singing, she could forget everything else, and even a shabby back room with its hissing heater and her classmates and the teacher and yes, even herself, could seem beautiful because of the sounds, the harmony, they made together. Sometimes.

As she pushed open the side door, the one she knew didn't have an alarm, she cringed a little at the thought of what her mother would say if she could see her now, skipping class. Rachel wrestled with her guilt over it. If her mother could do anything anymore, she would not be happy about this, but actually, Rachel reminded herself, the truth was, there was no one left who cared. Rachel bowed her head and slouched past the kids leaning against the wall smoking or making out and shuffled down the hill to the side street. From there she could make it to the food shops across the street from the front of the school with little chance of being seen by anyone in the front office. Getting caught and punished didn't count as being cared about in her book, not in any way that really mattered.

Intent on her rationalizations, Rachel didn't notice the two tall older boys push off from where they'd been leaning against the school building. One dropped his cigarette and stamped it out, the other stubbed his against the wall and let it fall. They trailed her down the hill until the physical plant building obscured them all from the school, then they sprinted. Rachel heard the pounding of their feet a few seconds before they reached her. She looked back just as the one with pockmarks shoved her, knocking her down as his momentum carried him past. The force of the push had her skidding in the dirt on her forearms, hands and thighs, raising a cloud of dust.

"Heh, told you we'd get you." The other one said, then lashed out with a solid kick to her stomach.

She collapsed, clutching her stomach, coughing and trying to catch her breath, her eyes watering. She didn't see who kicked her in the ribs.

"You trying to sneak out early, get away?" The taller Gitlan boy gloated. "I don't think so!"

"Where's your girlfriend? Is wittle ole you all alone?" The shorter one taunted.

"I think she's gonna cry, Randy," the taller one said. He kicked dirt in Rachel's squinched up face.

Rachel half-sat up as the burning in her lungs subsided somewhat when she managed to take in a few breaths. She blinked the tears away. With a rasping wheeze she got to her feet. "You want to fight?"

"Yeah, that's the general idea. She's quite the genius, isn't she Donny, figuring that out." His grin vanished and he advanced on her. "You're gonna pay for this morning."

Rachel backed away, keeping both of them in front of her, her hands outstretched in front of her. "Think about it, this is not going to look good when people find out."

"Shut up, bitch," Randy growled, circling. "It's time for your afterschool special. Heh."

"I mean, what will people say when they hear it took two of you to fight a younger girl, that you had to punk her first, and do it in secret? That won't be good for your reputation. You'll look like cowards." Her back pressed against the gray, slatted fence around the school's heating and cooling systems, which rumbled loudly. One of the boys blocked the way up the hill, the other the way down. "That's what this is about, right? I embarrassed you, and you need to prove you're not weak. This won't do it." They got closer. "This looks like you were afraid of me, afraid of a girl. That really won't look good." Rachel wasn't sure they were even listening.

Don's eyes narrowed. "Doesn't matter. When we're done with you, you won't tell tales on us."

"People always find out." Rachel's anger started to burn. There was no way in hell she was going to let them lay another finger on her. "And you'd want to boast."

Randy stopped where he was. "You fight her, Don. Just you."

"That's still not a fair fight." Rachel pointed out. "Don, you're bigger, older and stronger than I am."

"Life's a bitch," Don growled, stepping toward her fist raised. "Bitch."

"Look, you want respect, but this isn't the way to get it." Rachel's breathing had almost returned to normal. "What you need is something more public and more fair. Say, me fighting your brother John, who's my age, with everyone watching. You make sure everyone knows it's about respecting you and your whole family. Everyone likes to see a fight."

"Hey," Randy called to Don. "We'd move a lot of product."

Don lowered his fist. "How do we know you'd even be there? We caught you sneaking out of school. You were trying to dodge us."

"Actually, I missed lunch. I was sneaking out to get some." Rachel felt a strange calm come over her. "If I give you my word that I'll be there to fight your brother, I will. My reputation's on the line too." With a flash, she remembered a body-strewn field, a batarian face pointing a rifle down at her, felt again the hollowness of killing. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the red and white stripes on her hoodie sleeve, the way steam rose out of a brown metal vent on the side of the brick school building and vanished, and the grass bending under a breeze blocked by the building and fence at her back.

"We could always thrash her another time if she doesn't show," Randy suggested.

"You're a shrewd businessman, Randy, a good problem solver," Rachel said, no longer feeling afraid, or anything.

"Shut up," Don growled, raising his fist again. "Bitch."

"You know, that's not actually my name, _Don_," Rachel retorted, stepping forward. "I challenge your brother John to a fair fight after school today on the abandoned field, for Leyne's sake. Make sure he's there, or the whole school will know you're all cowards." She walked slowly between them. "Spread the word. I'll see you after school," she called behind her. She didn't look back.

* * *

Within the hour, Rachel ached all over. Her hands and the inside of her forearms had road rash and she was pretty sure they'd bruised her ribs. It hurt every time she moved. Already she'd seen people whispering and looking at her, so she knew they were hearing about the fight. None of them spoke to her, however. Head cradled in her elbow, she waited for her last class, advanced math, to end. They'd had a quiz with only four questions that they'd just gotten back, and students raised their hands to complain that it had been unfair, because it was easier to fail than to pass it.

The math teacher had a sharp, mousy face, graying hair and a gray moustache. "There once was a colony man who sent away for a mail-order bride…."

Groans went up around the room. They'd heard this story before, after the last test.

"He rode down to the spaceport to pick her up in his mule-drawn buggy, for the colony, like most, was poor, and that's what they used to get around. There she was at the dock, lovely as an asari, and he went and helped her up into the buggy, then flicked the whip to get the mule trotting toward her new home. Things went pretty well for a while until suddenly, the mule stopped for no apparent reason, came to a complete standstill and wouldn't budge no matter what the man did. Well, he got down and went around to the mule's face and looked it straight in the eyes…."

"What's a buggy, Mr. Lewis?" One of the students, a guy called Kyuubi, hollered.

"And said, 'That's once!'" Mr. Lewis pointed straight at Kyuubi for emphasis before returning to his story. "Then he went around, got back in the buggy, flicked the whip and they were back on their way. But his new bride was awfully puzzled. They had almost made it to their new home; they could see it in the distance, when the mule stopped again and nothing could persuade it to move a hoof farther. Well, the man got down, went around to the front of the mule, looked it in the eye and said…" Mr. Lewis pointed at a girl in the front row.

"That's twice?"

"Yes! Look you can do math." Mr. Lewis' voice dripped with sarcasm. "'That's twice! The man told the mule and then got back up in the buggy and they continued on their way. Well they'd gotten almost up to the very door, and the neighbors had come out to see the new missus when the mule stopped again. The man got the shotgun from under his seat, stepped out of the buggy, went up to the mule and shot it dead. This surprised his bride-to-be something awful and as he went and offered her his hand to help her down she asked him why he did that. Well, what did he reply? He turned to her, looked her straight in the eye and said, 'Woman, that's once!' Class, the moral is, if you get three wrong, you're lucky to just fail and not be dead like the mule. Learn, you ingrates!'"

The class whispered among themselves and then grew quiet as Mr. Lewis proceeded to explain sines and cosines. Rachel yawned.

The intercom clicked on. {Rachel Shepard, please report to the principal's office now. Rachel Shepard, principal's office.} Rachel lowered her face onto the cool desk as her classmates turned around to look at her. Just when she thought the day couldn't get worse.

Slowly, amid murmurs from her classmates, she gathered her datapads into her rucksack, pulled it closed, and carefully made her way over the rucksacks littered in the aisle to the front of the room, and the door. The few classmates who didn't look away as she passed shot her sympathetic glances.

The hallway bustled with students who didn't have class last period and who slammed their lockers closed as they put away the datapads they wouldn't need to do their homework. Rachel shuffled past them, hood up, head down, rucksack on shoulder and hands in her hoodie's pockets all the way to the front office. The principal's door stood open, and when she arrived in the doorway, she could see Dr. Goldberger sitting in one of the chairs across from Dr. Leven. She sighed.

"Come in." Dr. Leven got up and went and closed the door after Rachel sat down. As he came back around and sat on the edge of his desk, looking her over in silence before speaking, noting the dirt and grass stains on her jeans. He sighed and rubbed his chin. "Ms. Shepard, we've heard a rumor about you and a fight."

Rachel stared out the window behind him. Some students were playing hacky-sack with a holographic ball near the flagpole, glancing in. She said nothing.

Dr. Leven looked over at Dr. Goldberger.

"Rachel, we're concerned." Dr. Goldberger laid a hand on the desk in Rachel's line of sight. "Please look at me."

With a frown, Rachel did. Dr. Goldberger's pale blue eyes met hers.

"Thank you. Rachel, sometimes people who have been through terrible things have an understandably difficult time dealing with what they've lived through, and they may feel like they have to repeat the experience in order to have things turn out better this time or to try to make sense of something that can never really make sense."

Rachel blinked.

Dr. Goldberger cleared her throat. "Sometimes they try to forget through the abuse of certain substances or of themselves or others, in an attempt to lose themselves in self-annihilating activities, like fighting."

Something flickered behind Rachel's eyes, her nostrils flared, and she swallowed, but continued to regard Dr. Goldberger steadily without any other changes of expression.

"We have a zero tolerance policy toward fights." Dr. Leven said. "Zero."

After a long minute of silence, Dr. Goldberger continued. "They may even feel compelled to rescue others out of their guilt at surviving. Frogs, for instance, maybe classmates too."

"My Dad…" Rachel's voice broke. She stared miserably at the waiting Dr. Goldberger for a little bit before she continued in a flat, quiet voice. "My Dad taught me about animals. He taught me to be kind to them. He taught me to use whatever power I have to help those who are powerless, to show mercy."

"Very few _people_ are ever powerless, and we deprive them of opportunities to grow if we fight their battles for them. The times when we are powerless are not our fault. It is not your fault that your parents died. It's not your fault that anyone died. That you survived does not make you a batarian."

"You don't know anything about that!" Rachel jumped up and shouted. "Don't talk about my parents, about any of them!" Her hands were out of her pockets, her fists clenched despite the scrapes on her palms. "You don't know anything! Stop talking!"

Dr. Leven frowned and shifted uncomfortably on his desk. "Ah Carol, perhaps this would be better left to social services?"

"I'm right here! Don't talk about me as if I'm not!" Rachel shouted at him. "I don't need a social worker!"

"Rachel," Dr. Goldberger said softly. "I know your dad was a veterinarian, and that your mother was a teacher. They were brave people, choosing to be colonists, and they were not violent. What would they say about you being in a fight?"

With a clenched jaw, Rachel put her fists back in her pockets. Breathing heavily, she asked, "Are you done yet? Can I go now?"

"Carol…" Dr. Leven stood and went back behind his desk.

"Hiding and fighting are understandable responses, but they won't help you with the pain," Dr. Goldberger said calmly, still sitting in the chair. "You will have to face it, everything that happened, everything you lost, everything you feel."

"Fuck you!" Rachel spat at Dr. Goldberger, spun on her heel, threw open the door and stormed out of the room and out of the school.

* * *

Rachel had reached the parking lot by the time Leyne and a group of Leyne's friends got close enough to shout to her.

"Hey, wait up," Leyne called. "Is it true? Are you really fighting all the Gitlans for me?"

Rachel gritted her teeth, hunched her shoulders and stopped to wait for the others to catch up. "No, just John," she clarified when they reached her.

They circled around her, looking her over.

"She's kinda short, Leynie. What if she loses? Will you have to sleep with Dirk or something?" One of the taller, more developed girls, probably a senior, asked. "Because that … would be gross."

"Oh, she won't lose." Leyne smiled at Rachel. "She's fierce."

"I can't believe there's really going to be a fight. It's so…." This girl wore brown slacks and a pink sweater. "barbaric. Are you nervous?"

"I'm fine. Let's get out of here before the principal and his goonies come after us." Rachel strode in the direction of the street. "I want to get this over with."

Leyne struggled to keep up. Her heels and shape did not lend themselves to walking quickly anywhere. "So, are you going to tell me your name now?"

Rachel shrugged. "Does it matter? I'm new here. Nobody knows me."

With an extra spurt of speed, Leyne drew next to her. "It matters to me."

Taking pity on Leyne, Rachel slowed down. "I'm Rachel."

"Rachel what?" Leyne was breathing heavily as she clutched her bag to her chest to keep both the bag and her chest from bouncing.

"Shepard." Rachel glanced over at Leyne.

Leyne put a hand on Rachel's arm. You okay? Anyone ever tell you that you have a storm cloud hanging over you?"

Grateful that Leyne didn't push further about who she was, Rachel softened a bit. "Well, I am about to fight someone. That doesn't really make my day."

"I'm sorry about that," Leyne said apologetically. "The whole 'no good deed goes unpunished' thing really came true today."

"You have no idea." Rachel shook her head and slowed to a walk. They had reached the corner and turned down a side street. Rachel looked longingly at the woods now visible in the distance, back behind the school. The other girls following them were talking amongst themselves.

"So … have you ever been in a fight before?" Leyne looked sideways at her.

"Only with my brothers," Rachel admitted.

"Oh right." They walked for a bit before Leyne continued. "It's probably not the same. Look, you don't have to do this."

Rachel snorted. "Yes, I do."

"Why? You don't even know me." Leyne's brow wrinkled in puzzlement.

"I don't have to in order to do what's right." Looking back Rachel saw lots of students straggling behind them.

This time Leyne snorted. "Hitting people is right?"

"Sometimes there is no other option," Rachel insisted. They turned down another street.

"I'm not sure I believe that," Leyne said softly. "There has to be another way."

Rachel stopped and faced Leyne. "Look, you see this sweatshirt I'm wearing?" She pointed to it.

Leyne considered the oversized hoodie with N7 emblazoned on the upper right side in white with a little red triangle under the slant of the seven and the red stripe down the right arm with white stripes on either side of it. She raised her eyebrows. "Yes. What's that got to do with anything?"

"It was given to me by a man who … a man who fought for me and my family against … against those who wouldn't have stopped if he hadn't been willing to fight for us, even though he didn't know us. He saved my life. There need to be people willing to fight as long as there are … people who try to prey on or hurt others. Do you think the Gitlans would have stopped this morning if I hadn't made them?" Rachel's eyes shone as she spoke with passion.

For a minute, Leyne just stared at her. "No, I guess not." She look troubled.

"Bullies don't stop until someone stands up to them." Rachel began walking again. She hadn't meant to say so much and hadn't liked the expression on Leyne's face. What she'd said had probably raised bunches of questions, and she didn't want to answer them. She relaxed some as Leyne remained quiet. They had reached the abandoned lot.

Back away from the street a large, weathered, A-shaped house sat among tall weeds and broken glass, its paint chipped and peeling. The upper story extended over cement stairs and a porch in front and heavy field-stone columns supported it, giving the impression of a cranky giant crouched over. Empty beer canisters haphazardly discarded on the porch rested on their sides, and boards had been ripped off the windows and the windows broken, adding to its forlorn, forsaken and almost angry air. A screen door hung crookedly out from the front door. Around the house stretched a large, unkempt field, crisscrossed with trails. Rachel found the sight disturbing, and had since she'd first encountered it when exploring. She wondered what had possessed her to suggest this place.

As she, Leyne and Leyne's friends walked carefully amid the discarded condoms, canister tabs, crumpled panties, candy wrappers, cigarette butts and rusted scraps of metal, they could see a crowd gathering in the back of the lot. They passed an old mattress set back from the road and screened by the weeds.

"That's dis-gust-ing," One of Leyne's friends said.

"This whole place is gross," Another added, "Creepy."

Leyne's nose wrinkled, and she held her bag even tighter to her chest. "I don't want anything here to touch me!"

The trail through the weeds broadened as they reached a place where the soil was too sandy or polluted for anything to grow. Students and older kids milled around, the noise increasing a little as Rachel showed up. She could see Randy and Don on the other side of the field. She took a deep breath. "Well, here goes."

Leyne grimaced. "Good luck."

Rachel took her hands out of her pockets and walked out into the center of the barren space. The tip of her nose tingled and her hands felt cold. She flexed them.

From behind his brothers, John stepped out and walked toward her, stopping a few feet away. Like his brothers, he had dirty blond hair and a long skinny pale face. He wasn't much bigger than she was. They eyed each other as first one person and then more in the crowd started to chant, "Fight, fight, fight, fight."

They circled each other as the shouts grew louder.

"Look, we don't have to fight," John said just for her to hear. "Tell them you're sorry." He kept circling clockwise, his sneakers scuffing in the dirt and gravel.

Rachel felt annoyed, nervous. "I'm not sorry." She kept an arm's length away, her fists ready, but she wasn't angry. She hardly knew John and didn't really have any interest in hitting him.

"You don't want to stay on their bad side, believe me. So lie, stop bothering them, and they'll stop bothering you." John's fists were also ready. He took a practice swing. It didn't come close to her.

"Yeah, smash her, Johnny!" Don bellowed. "Get closer!" Rachel knew that voice without looking.

"Quit prancing and fight!" someone yelled.

John stopped and held out his hand, palm open. "Come on, shake my hand, tell them, and it's all over." He gazed at her earnestly. People in the crowd booed.

With a frown, Rachel stopped circling, "Fine. Whatever. I can't make you fight if you don't want to." Keeping her eyes on his face, she reached out for his hand.

He whipped his back and punched her as hard as he could in the stomach. The crowd shouted with delight.

Rachel saw stars and doubled over. For the second time that day she couldn't breathe.

John tackled her and knocked her to the ground.

Rage surged through Rachel, and she grappled with John, not letting him get a hold on her. He was stronger than she expected, wiry and slippery, but her rage and determination gave her strength. They rolled in the dirt, over rocks, broken glass and canister lids, each struggling to get on top, to land punches. Finally, years wrestling with her brothers, her dad coaching her to attack their balance and center of gravity, paid off, and Rachel managed to pin John on his back to the ground with her knees on his shoulders. She lifted her right fist high to smash him in the face while he writhed helplessly, turning his head from side to side to escape the blow.

Somehow, she couldn't do it. She was angry, hurt, and winning was within her grasp, but tears ran down his face, all scrunched with fear and pain, and she couldn't do it. It was like she couldn't bring her fist down if she tried. After a long moment, she pushed off with her knees. She stood, her knees starting to shake with reaction. "If any of you Gitlans come near me or Leyne again, I'll won't stop next time."

The crowd was quiet. Several people went over to John as she turned and walked toward Leyne, the crowd pulling back before her.

"You didn't win," John yelled from where he still lay on the ground. "I gave you a bloody nose. I beat you!"

Rachel touched her fingers to her lip and then pulled them away to look at them. She could see the blood. She turned back toward John, and he flinched. "You didn't give it to me." She called. "I get them when I'm … angry."

Leyne wrapped an arm around Rachel's shoulders. "Come on, let's go." She led Rachel back to the road with her friends in tow.

When they had gone a few blocks, Leyne stopped and she and her friends made their goodbyes. Rachel just stood there, kind of blankly, and the friends looked over at her but didn't say anything. Leyne watched them go, then pulled Rachel around to face her. "Let's take a look at that nose." She took out a tissue and patted at Rachel's lip.

Rachel took the tissue, wiped her face, and blew her nose. The bleeding had stopped. She pushed the tissue into her pocket. "Thanks."

Leyne wrapped a hand around Rachel's neck and pulled her close and pressed her lips against Rachel's for a few moments before she let go.

"What did you do that for?" Rachel frowned as she lightly touched her lips where Leyne had kissed her.

With a shrug, Leyne began heading down the street. "It seemed the right thing to do."

* * *

_*This chapter's dedicated to Cerulean1, in hopes that hearing of someone else's bad day will cheer her up. It was prepared with help from Midnight Lion and Owelpost. I encourage you to check out their fics!_

_**Rachel's Chorus class is learning the Magnificat. The line translates, "For behold from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed, for He that is mighty has done to me great things_."


	9. Strict Beauty

**Strict Beauty**

From Robert Hass's _Spring Drawing_

_as if radiance were the meaning of meaning, and justice responsible to  
daydream not only for the strict beauty of denial,_

_but as a need to reinvent the inner form of wishing._

* * *

Liara moved Thalassa's hand off her breast.

Thala groaned softly into Liara's neck folds, as her hand drifted down to Liara's thigh. "Liaraaa…. no one's watching."

Liara crossed her legs and gently pushed Thala's head back from her neck. "_I'm_ watching … this vid." The two sat in the darkened basement screening room of the T'Soni residence on one of the large cushion benches. "Mitera gave me permission to view some of the declassified dispatches for my upcoming paper on first contacts." Liara didn't look away from the screen except to make notes on the datapad she held. "I think she hopes this will get me more interested in current affairs."

Thala's gaze didn't move from Liara. "I'm very interested in _our_ current affairs."

"Mmm, I wonder what the Protheans did when they encountered new species…." Liara tilted her head and typed something into her datapad. A loud roar from the speakers made Liara jump and grab Thala's knee. Both stared at the large viewscreen on the opposite wall.

They watched a huge, heavily muscled creature charge the camera, its triangular mouth open and bristling with teeth. Several others, enormous blurs, could be seen in the background running toward the camera at incredible speed. The camera fell to the ground and a massive, three-clawed foot gouged the dirt in front of it. Motes of dirt flecked the screen before it cracked. They heard screams and crunching and ripping noises before the feed turned to static. "This was the last transmission from the Parnack delegation. The council has unanimously voted to quarantine the planet." Footage of a yahg meeting with a group of turians, asari and salarians in the garb of scientists this time played as the voiceover went on, "First encountered by surveyors, this apex species, known as the yahg, are larger than krogan and demonstrate considerable intelligence, adaptability and … unsurpassed ferocity." The yahg towered over the others in the frame with it.

The image jumped a little, and Liara suspected they had used hidden cameras. She swallowed and gripped Thala's knee tighter as the picture changed, and the camera zoomed in on the cold, calculating four eyes of one particular yahg, then its two large horns, then its rough armored hide, before pulling back to a wider shot that showed a yahg pursuing a small fat purple creature that leapt very high and ran very fast. "Oh no!" She turned wide eyes to Thala, who wrapped a comforting arm around her as the camera shot pulled back even farther so that a pack of yahg could be seen herding a whole group of the terrified creatures into a dead end. Liara burrowed her face in Thala's shoulder as the creatures squealed in agony. "Oh those poor things…. This is horrible!" Thala held her tight as the voiceover continued. "Yahgs evince a hierarchical pack structure, centered around the strongest, most cunning individual. Violence determines power."

"Do you want me to turn it off?" Thala rocked Liara a little in her arms.

"Is it over?" Thala's shirt muffled Liara's voice. She pushed against Thala's chest and peeked at the screen.

The screen now showed a bustling city. "Monitoring posts indicate that yahg culture may soon develop space flight. Talks are underway about what measures should be taken to guard against this threat. We will continue to track and advise of developments."

Liara bit her bottom lip. "I don't know why anyone would get into any field that would put them at risk of having to deal with something like that."

"Are you worried about the Mitera?" Thala rubbed Liara's back, and pressed pause on the controls.

"No, they'd never send Miterai off Thessia for first contact. They're too important to risk. That's doubly true for the Potnia." Liara took in a deep breath and leaned into Thala. "Maybe it's things like this that explain why she looks so tired sometimes. It's a lot to have to know."

Thala tightened her arm around Liara. "You ever think about doing what she does?"

Liara's shoulders stiffened. "No, and I wish people would stop asking me that."

"Sorry." Thala frowned. "I didn't mean…." Her voice trailed off.

"I know." Liara relaxed back into Thala. "The more I see, the more it confirms my interest in archaeology. At least the past never killed anyone. I'd much rather study ancient history, examine life once the scary parts are over."

"_Everyone_ knows you plan to study the Protheans for the rest of your life, even the Mitera." Thala relaxed too. "Has she said anything more to you about it, about your application?"

"Just to keep my options open; that a millennium is a long time—but she approved it! Serrice, here I come!" Grinning, Liara kissed Thala on the cheek. "Are you disappointed?"

"That's great! I'm really happy for you." Thala grinned back at her, before clutching at her heart with her free hand. "But woe is me, for my love, she loves another." She raised the back of her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes. "I'm in a love triangle with Liara T'Soni and the Protheans," she proclaimed dramatically, "a mere acolyte of their priestess."

Liara ducked her head and pushed it against Thala's shoulder. "Pfft! You're being silly."

"I thought you weren't supposed to smack people with your head anymore." Thala teasingly licked the top of Liara's crests.

Inhaling sharply at the pleasure, Liara shuddered and sat up. "I should never have told you that story." She looked suddenly serious. "I mean, are you disappointed I don't want to be like the Mitera?"

Thala still busily pretended she was in a tragedy. She had reached one hand in the air, and had tilted her head back. "Oh how, how will I ever compete with an entire civilization! Liara, my love, my love, come back to me, for they are cold and gone, and I am warm and here!"

"Do you want to be with me because my M'ana is famous?"

"What?" Thala frowned. "No. Being famous is obnoxious."

Liara nodded and snuggled back against Thala. "Sometimes I wish things were different, that I could have her all to myself, like when we were on Palaven." She sighed.

Thala's arm tightened around her.

"Even when she wasn't the Potnia, though, people always wanted to be around her all the time." After a moment, Liara picked up a different train of thought. "What about you? Have you decided what you want to do, where you'll be going next year?"

"I'm going to be a neo-Prothean," Thala grinned. "I'll protect innocent maidens like you from scary new species, and win lots of hearts with my dashing good looks."

"Lots?" Liara's eyes narrowed.

"Ten at least…"

Liara smiled. "That many?"

"I don't want to be greedy." Thala tilted her chin in the air, trying to look noble.

"What will you do with them?" Liara traced the line of Thala's jaw with her index finger.

Thala stuck out her chest. "I will thump them!"

Liara bit her lip. "The maidens?"

"Yes, I will thump them into dust in a blaze of biotics unless they kneel at my … What?! Wait! No! The scary species! I mean … the yahg thingees, not the…."

"Maybe you should try diplomacy." Liara struggled not to laugh.

"On the maidens?" Thala frowned.

"Yes, _before_ thumping them."

Beet purple, Thala tried to recover. "I meant scary new species."

"I certainly hope so. Otherwise, there are going to be ten very tender maidens…" Liara laughed.

"Liara…." The expression in Thala's eyes stilled Liara's laughter.

Feeling an alarming surge of desire, Liara unpaused the vid. "Umm, let's see what other species you may have to protect maidens from. There's only one more dispatch in this group."

The big screen now showed a green and blue planet wrapped in white clouds. "Species 7239, humans, continue to develop beyond Earth." The camera zoomed in on the planet's only moon. "What their communications refer to as the Armstrong Outpost on Luna has grown into a mining settlement and colony." The camera pulled out to focus on a small red planet on the other side of Earth. "Meanwhile, their Mars colony has developed into a commercial and industrial center that now also boasts a large population concentrated mainly in Lowell City." The camera zoomed in on the settlement. "They have sent an expedition toward Saturn, their farthest-reaching endeavor yet. Although their spaceflight technology is slow and limits them to their own galaxy for now, technological advances in the next few centuries may propel them to entrance on the intergalactic stage." The view switched to two naked humans in glass containment cylinders. "The salarians have covertly taken several specimens for study to Sur'Kesh, presumably because so little is known about them."

Liara leaned forward with interest as the camera slowly panned over one of the two, over what looked like breasts, and four-fingered hands with opposing digits and feet with five toes. "They look like us!"

The voiceover announced, "The female of the species resembles the asari, but shows little sign of possessing the capacity to develop biotics." The camera panned over the body of the male.

"No biotics." Thala shook her head. "I feel sorry for them. They look so vulnerable."

"Shhhh!" Liara squirmed under Thala's arm. "Look at their strange heads!"

"Believed to have evolved from a pyjack-type mammalian species, humans have a covering of fur, thickest on the head, and rival the salarians for brevity of lifespan. Like other short-lived species, they compensate with ingenuity and prolific, rapid breeding in order to survive. They may one day prove capable of joining the intergalactic community. Further monitoring and study is underway."

Thala cocked her head. "On the up side, I'm fairly confident that I could protect you from one of those."

Turning off the vid, Liara was lost in thought for a few moments. "Do you ever wonder what it would have been like if the Protheans had made first contact with us, instead of us being the ones to find all the others?"

No, but I imagine what it would be like…." Thala looked at Liara longingly again. "… to make first contact with you."

Liara's breath caught at the intensity of the look. "Thala…."

Thala slowly leaned in and kissed her, the tentative kiss becoming more passionate as Liara responded. When they came up for air, Thala said huskily, "You're a very good kisser."

"I try to practice lots." Liara's hand drifted to the back of Thala's neck as her lips descended again on Thala's.

Thala's lips parted, and she shuddered as Liara's tongue entered her mouth. Her fingertips dipped under Liara's top and grazed Liara's abdomen. Slowly they slid higher.

Her breath coming in short bursts, Liara closed her eyes as the now familiar, searing flood of desire rose in her. Thala's hands wrapped around her sides and rose. Liara rolled her shoulder blades back as Thala's hands stroked the sides of her breasts. "Thal…" She gasped. "Wait."

Breathing heavily, Thala waited obediently as Liara reached down to grab the hem of her shirt and lifted it up over her head, freeing her breasts. Thala's eyes darkened.

Throwing her shirt aside, Liara glanced at Thala with concern. "You ok? Do you need me to stop?"

"Unh unh." After a few moments, Thala's eyes went back to their normal green. Intent on Liara's breasts she sat up on the bench, reverently bringing her hands up to cup them. "Just…. Wow." She shook her head, at a loss for words as her hands pressed into the soft warm swell of them. "You're so beautiful." Her fingers shook a little.

Liara laid back on the bench. "You've seen them before."

"It's not like that." Thala followed her, lowering her mouth first to one breast, then to the other, as Liara's fingers stroked her crests. For a little while all that could be heard was heavy breathing.

Liara broke the silence first. "Take this off. I want to feel your skin." She tugged on the fabric around Thala's shoulders.

Hastily, Thala discarded her shirt and lay on top of Liara, keeping her eyes closed tightly as they kissed.

When Thala's fingertips dipped beneath the top of her leggings, Liara froze.

Thala stopped. "Ra?"

"I …," Liara pushed Thala off her, and sat up beside her. She was panting heavily.

Thala's eyes were dark. "You know, if you're waiting for a time when you won't feel nervous, that won't happen. The nervousness only goes away afterward. It's a good nervousness, one to enjoy." Thala gently took both Liara's hands in her own. "I promise."

Thala lay back on the wide cushioned bench, gently pulling Liara down with her. As Liara's weight settled on her, she moaned.

Liara pulled back. "Are you okay?" She asked anxiously, gazing searchingly in Thala's eyes. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, you never do, it's just…" Thala wrapped her arms lightly around Liara's waist. "I want you so much. I want to be as close to you as I can be. I've wanted that for so long."

Liara's eyes flashed dark, and she struggled up again on the bench in panic.

"Ra… ," Thala's voice sounded pained. Liara didn't dare look at her. "We've been spending lots of time together for two years, two wonderful years ... and nothing bad has happened to me. You're not going to hurt me. You're not one of the … you know."

Reaching down to grab her shirt, Liara turned away. "I can't." The fierceness of the hunger she felt for Thala scared her. This might be how it started.

"…Don't you want me?"

"Of course I do." Liara turned back swiftly, and kissed Thala's cheek. "Very much, and I want to do more … but I'm not ready for that, Thal." She placed her hand on Thala's thigh. "I need to go really slowly, to make sure I don't lose control." Patting Thala's thigh, she stood.

"But Liara…" Thala reached for her hand.

"We have to go to dinner." Liara smiled down at her, one hand stroking Thala's crests, the other squeezing Thala's hand. Seeing how sad Thala looked, Liara felt guilty. "But there's something I want to try later."

Thala's eyes widened. "From that book?"

"A new one." With a grin and a tug on Thala's hand, Liara headed for the doorway.

* * *

Thala grabbed her shirt and followed Liara up the stairs, wriggling back into it as she did.

When they reached the dining room, Liara turned to her. "Wait here, I'm just going to grab the necklace Mitera gave me."

The room was lit but the table hadn't been set, and the house was uncharacteristically quiet. The pre-Janiris services were held in Armali Center. Thala stood in the entryway between the hall and the dining room. Glancing around to make sure she was alone, she turned toward the room's wide jamb and rested her head against her forearm there. She couldn't relax. Desire still thrummed through her. In her frustration, she rocked her forehead against her forearm. "Wait, wait, WAIT, wait!" She gripped the side of the doorway tightly with her free hand. "AAAAGH!" Smacking her forehead helped distract her from the ache elsewhere, so she continued. "Why did I HAVE to fall in LOVE with the ONLY asari who WANTS to be a 200-YEAR-old virgin?! WHHHHHHY?!" With one last resounding smack, she stopped hitting her forehead and moved her now sore arm. She leaned her forehead against the cool jamb for a moment before, with a sigh, she pushed back from the wall.

Lady Benezia and another asari stood in the hallway.

Thala's jaw dropped, and she flushed purple up to her eyes.

Lady Benezia's eyes were kind. She looked over at the stranger and the two of them stepped forward.

"M'ana!" The choked sound came from the opposite side of the room, where Liara stood, open-mouthed and also purple-faced. Thala's blush extended to the tips of her crests, and she closed her eyes tight.

"Ah, hi, Mitera …." She bowed and tried to slide by them. "I was just … heading home … forever."

"Mathitis Thalassa…" Lady Benezia tilted her head and smiled.

Thalassa stopped, and as the Mitera said nothing further, looked up. When Lady Benezia looked at her like that, she really reminded her of Liara.

"It's good to see you again." Lady Benezia lightly touched Thalassa's arm, and reassured, Thalassa relaxed a little. "I hope you will consider dining with us tonight. The patio has been set up so that we can eat outside, and it is so lovely out. Plus, one of my dearest and longest-held friends, the Hetera Sha'ira, is joining us. She's here to help lead the Janiris services." Benezia turned to the newcomer. "Hetera Sha'ira, this is Mathitis Thalassa Rannd, Liara's aphrodisia."

"Longest held, Benny?" Sha'ira's lids lowered as she looked over at Benezia. Then the newcomer smiled at Thalassa. "Mathitis Thalassa, it's a joy to finally meet you. I've been hearing about little else from Liara since last Janiris." Thalassa felt momentarily star struck. Sha'ira lightly touched Thalassa's outstretched palms, before squeezing Thalassa's fingertips. "These T'Sonis. They rarely rush into anything, but when they make up their minds—watch out!" She winked.

Benezia's smile at seeing her daughter lit her face. "Agapi, I've missed you!" She held out her arms, Liara went to her and they hugged.

Afterward, Liara held out her hands, palms up, to Sha'ira. "Fili 'Ira, my eyes see with joy."

Sha'ira stroked Liara's forearms and held her hands as she bent forward and kissed Liara's cheek. "Filia 'Ra, my hands touch with joy. It's a delight to see you again. I swear you've gotten taller." She wrapped an arm around Liara's shoulders and steered her toward the doors to the garden. "Now is it true, what your aphrodisia said, that you've set a time goal? What an interesting concept."

"'Ira!" Liara's voice rose higher at the end, in a register Thala recognized as embarrassment.

Left with the Mitera, Thala swallowed hard. "Can we just forget I said anything? I didn't know anyone was nearby."

"There's no need." Benezia took Thalassa's arm and led her after the other two. "You are among friends. What better place for honesty? Maybe though, in the future, remember that you can never really know who's listening." She squeezed Thalassa's arm lightly. "Now, have you seen the garden yet? This is one of the best times of year for it. The proummon trees have just bloomed."

* * *

When the honey wine, nectar and full bellies had relaxed them all, and the conversation dwindled to silence under its spell, Liara and Thalassa excused themselves from the table. Benezia watched them walk back toward the house, touching each other's arms. "I don't understand why they go back inside. It's not cold, and the stars are out." She looked up to where the stars could be seen through the arched metal trellis overhead. The bazurita vines had not yet bloomed and grown to cover it. "Night is for the young, and what better place than a garden for lovers?"

Sha'ira bent forward over the table, revealing more of the soft swells of her breasts. "You've been setting a poor example."

Benezia drew in a deep breath and held it.

"How do you expect Liara, or your followers, to develop and adopt healthy attitudes toward sexuality when you let decades go by as if you hadn't one? Really, Benny!" She rose, took Benezia's hands and pulled her to her feet.

Benezia released the breath. "I know."

With a graceful gesture, Sha'ira brought Benezia close and ran one hand lightly down her side, as the other pressed against the small of Benezia's back with the gentlest of touches. Sha'ira's hips swayed their bodies from side-to-side together, using the smallest amount of pressure. "Come, dance with me under the proummon trees. Didn't I hear you tell the young aphrodisia that they are in bloom?" With the slightest letting up of pressure on Benezia's back, Sha'ira signaled her advance, and Benezia retreated as Sha'ira swayed forward. "Night isn't only for the young. Come, I'll remind you of the steps, if you've forgotten."

Benezia hardly remembered what it felt like to be held like this, to feel heat flow with the rhythm between another body and her own. The touches stirred long dormant feelings. She closed her eyes and sighed. "I thought Thala and Liara might want to see the blossoms." Benezia relaxed into the swaying motion, taking Sha'ira's hand in her own.

"The earliest flower and the briefest? Oh my dear..." Sha'ira's laugh gurgled like a spring stream as she gently pushed Benezia away to spin her before pulling her close again. "You have so much to learn on how to encourage love." Her hand slid a little lower.

Benezia opened her eyes. Because of the torches that lit the pathway to the doors, she could see, over Sha'ira's shoulder, Liara looking back at them as her aphrodisia held the door open. "And yet, it is one of the most beautiful…." This time the pressure increased, and Benezia swayed forward as Sha'ira retreated. "Don't tell me you value things only according to how long they last."

Sha'ira's shining gaze, when she looked at Benezia, seemed to pierce her soul. "I leave that to you…. Benny…."

Closing her eyes, Benezia let the pain fill her, losing track of the rhythm and stepping on Sha'ira's toes.

Sha'ira swayed her to the side. "Let me share it…." she whispered.

Benezia stopped dancing. "Don't!"

A gentle hand brushed Benezia's cheek, capturing her tears.

* * *

Sha'ira stretched languorously. The spring sunshine held just enough warmth for her to sunbathe on Benezia's private balcony nude with only the lightest and sheerest of coverings. The breeze lifted and dropped the wisp of slightly rough fabric over her skin, the sensation enough to keep her from falling asleep and burning. A tall glass of elasa rested beside the chaise, an eezo cube bubbling away in it, and the condensation running down the glass sparkled in the sunlight.

As she turned over on her stomach, she heard the door from Benezia's private study open and close with a heavy thud and the patter of bare feet. She didn't have to look to know it was Liara. Not only would Benezia never have let the door close so loudly, she was also lighter on her feet. "Good morning, Little Wing. Your M'ana is swimming."

"I know." The chaise nearby creaked as Liara settled on it. "She doesn't call me that anymore."

After listening to the bright trills of nearby nesting birds, Sha'ira continued in a desultory fashion, "Is your aphrodisia still here?"

"No, she doesn't sleep over." A page scraped loudly as Liara turned it.

Sha'ira squinted and peeked over at Liara out of one eye. "Why not?" She noticed that Liara had sat facing her and was staring at her intently, over a large opened book. Turning over on her back again, Sha'ira sat, lifted the glass to her lips, and sipped. The slight tangy flavor refreshed her.

Liara shrugged. "It doesn't seem like a good idea."

"Really?" Sha'ira adjusted her chaise so that she wasn't entirely prone. It amused and puzzled her to see Liara eyeing her body with intense scrutiny. This was new.

"Do you love my M'ana?" Liara frowned at her.

Ah. "Does that also not seem like a good idea?" Sha'ira was very curious about Liara. So many things about her reminded Sha'ira of Benezia when she was young, but the maiden was definitely her very own, unique person.

"It's just..." The book, forgotten, slid to the side off Liara's lap. "She doesn't always seem happy, and I saw her laughing with you last night, and I thought…."

Sha'ira watched Liara struggle for words. The birds trilled loudly in the background again.

"There's this beautiful glass flower in her study, and I wondered … have you seen it?" Liara finally managed.

Sadness nibbled at Sha'ira, like a fish on bread. Benny still hadn't told Liara about her father. "I have." Her answer was very soft.

"I thought … maybe, maybe … you'd given it to her? Or you know who did?" Liara's big blue eyes really reminded Sha'ira of Benny's, the way they could hold a question in them. From farther away on the estate, the buzz of a lawn mower could be heard starting.

Closer, Sha'ira could hear some creature clawing at the dirt. "These are questions for your M'ana."

Crestfallen, Liara looked at the stone paving.

There was little warning as Benezia padded into view. "What are questions for me? I feel like I could answer anything today!" A white towel draped over one of her shoulders, but otherwise, she wore nothing, and smelled slightly salty.

Liara looked at Benezia with undisguised adoration.

Benezia smiled at her equally adoringly, went and sat beside her and squeezed her shoulders. "Good morning, Luludenia. I'm so glad you joined us." With a light kiss to the top of Liara's crests, Benezia smiled over at Sha'ira. "What are you reading?" She picked up Liara's book. "_Protheans: Fact and Fiction_…." She laughed. "Of course! My daughter plans to unravel the past, you know." With another squeeze, she rested the side of her head on top of Liara's. "So, Agapi, what can I tell you today, the meaning of life? The joy of sex?" She winked at Sha'ira.

Liara snuggled into her, smiling. "It was nothing."

"It's never that." Benezia looked over at Sha'ira. "Did she tell you she's applying to Serrice?"

"Serrice?" Sha'ira looked askance at Benezia. "Is that wise?"

"They have the foremost experts on the Protheans!" Liara's eyes shone bright. "It's the best place ever."

Benezia lifted and shook her head slightly at Sha'ira. "It will be fine."

"You know, if you want to get a sense of the Protheans, you should visit me at the Citadel. I could take you on a tour, and you could get to know some of their most famous architecture," Sha'ira offered. "You could even bring your aphrodisia."

Liara sat up straight so that she could turn and look her mother in the eye. "Could I? Would you come too?"

"We can certainly consider it." Benezia made to rise.

"Don't go," Liara begged. "You just got here."

"I'm just going to get us drinks. It's warm out."

"I'll do it." Hopping up, Liara quickly crossed the balcony and went through the door into the study. It slammed shut.

Benezia shook her head, leaned back and closed her eyes. "What was she asking you?"

Sha'ira shifted to her belly again, this time with her head at the end closest to Benezia. "She thinks I'm her father. Benny, when are you going to tell her?"

A big sigh lifted and lowered Benezia's chest. "When she's older and might understand. I want them to meet. I'm just not ready yet."

"Well _she_ is." Sha'ira inhaled deeply too. "Benny, your daughter adores you. Nothing's going to change that." Her eyes drifted shut, and a comfortable silence grew between them before she spoke again. "I love this weather, and getting to feel real sunlight for a change. _This_ is my favorite season."

"Mmm, you say that every year…." Benezia tilted her chin up more. "But I don't think there's a season you _don't_ like, 'Ira."


	10. Simple as False

**Simple as False**

from Richard Wilbur's _Love Calls Us to the Things of This World_

_… the astounded  
soul  
Hangs for a moment bodiless and  
simple  
As false dawn. _

_…  
The soul shrinks  
From all that it is about to remember… _

* * *

"Pacing has no known therapeutic value, Captain." Doctor Chakwas looked up from her screen as Anderson passed the foot of Shepard's bed for the twentieth time in as many minutes. The Commander lay pale and unnaturally still on the penultimate bed in the room, across from Doctor's desk. "You'll be the first to know when she wakes up."

"You said her injuries were minor, just burns, bruises and grazes." Anderson walked over to the monitors. "I don't understand why she's still unconscious. How long can she go on like this? Can't you force her to wake up?"

The doctor rose slowly and joined him, resting a hand on his arm. "Respectfully, David, we're talking about an N7 under your command, not a 16-year-old girl. She can endure more than a few days of unconsciousness. I'm making sure that she gets the fluids and nutrients she needs. There's no sign that she's in any danger." Chakwas moved her hand off his arm and continued in a matter-of-fact tone. "I believe she'll wake up naturally, and that is my recommendation. I don't know why she's hasn't, but time gives her body a chance to correct whatever is happening on its own."

Anderson glanced over at Shepard before turning back to the monitors hooked up to her bed. "Explain what I'm looking at, Doctor."

"All her readings are normal except for her brain wave patterns." Chakwas pointed to the relevant indicators. "Someone unconscious should only show delta patterns, which look like line drawings of a mountain range. Instead, here you see the tight narrow pattern characteristic of beta waves." She tapped where a squiggly line oscillated across the screen creating a dense caterpillar-like pattern. "These are usually seen when someone is awake and engaged in conversation or work. It is an anomaly to see them in anyone unconscious."

"Could _something_ be in conversation with her?" Anderson looked grim as he met Chakwas' glance. "Alenko and Williams both reported that the beacon lifted her in the air and seemed to be doing something to her before it exploded, and beacons are known to be communication tools. Maybe it was uploading. We have to consider the possibilities, Karin."

"The beacon does seem to be the inciting cause of her current condition, but exactly how I don't have enough information to say. Everything on the Mars beacon is classified." Chakwas walked over to stand by Shepard's bed, and looked down at her. "It seems unlikely that the beacon could continue an ongoing 'conversation' with her after exploding and at a distance of three days and several systems travel from Eden Prime." She sighed. "An upload? Maybe, if the information overloaded Shepard's conscious mind, it might explain her current state. I'm not sure what possible mechanism would allow such a thing, or what it would mean for her upon waking. I suppose information has been encoded in images before." As she watched, Shepard's eyelids fluttered. "I would think she was dreaming, but her brain wave patterns don't match typical patterns for that." Her forehead wrinkled, and she crossed her arms in front of her, holding her elbow in one hand and lifting a gloved finger from the other hand to her lips. "Hmmm, 'could something be in conversation with her?' That's a provocative question. What are you thinking, David?"

Anderson frowned. "We don't know enough about how the beacons work, but I think we would have been briefed if they were known to draw people in and then explode. What Alenko and Williams described sounds like a trap to me." He walked over to the other side of Shepard and looked down at her too. "For all we known, this beacon may have been created to lure enemies in and kill them or turn them into sleeper agents. From what the others have reported about what happened down there, I'm not ready to rule out anything, even alien possession. Keep a close eye on her brain wave patterns, strap her down and notify me if they deviate outside human ranges." His hands behind his back, he looked up at Chakwas. "I want to be told the moment she wakes up. We need to know if we still have Shepard, or some_thing_ else."

Chakwas' concern showed clearly in her face. "That's a bit extreme, surely. The beacon could have been damaged or set to explode by the geth. This is all speculation. The absence of proof of beneficence is not proof of maleficence."

"The point is, we can't rule anything out, even the worst, Karin." Anderson brought his fist down into his palm. "You've seen the bodies we brought on board, what was done to them." He pointed to the room where Chakwas' staff was conducting an autopsy on one of the altered human corpses. They'd set up there to keep the proceedings as private as possible.

Chakwas gripped the unconscious marine's shoulder. "Shepard shows no signs of anything like that. Clearly. She interacted with Prothean technology, not geth."

"Like you said, we're not dealing with a 16-year-old girl, but an N7 who interacted with highly advanced technology in a hot zone. We don't know what the geth wanted with that beacon, but they left it behind, activated, and Shepard was caught by it. The Protheans gave us the mass relays and the Citadel. With that kind of technology, anything's possible. We've never recovered any Prothean weapons, yet that race once ruled the known universe. They must have had some. We may have just found our first, finetuned to fit the geth's purpose." Anderson drew in a deep breath, and continued in a softer tone. "I care about Shepard, Karin. I trust and admire her as an N7 and a Marine. I will do everything in my power to help her, but I will not assume that she is no danger to this ship until I know she's not. Restrain her." After one last look at Shepard, Anderson turned to go.

"Captain Anderson, the crew is on edge enough as it is." Chakwas didn't look up from Shepard. "Jenkins was endearing, and his loss is keenly felt. Many have placed high hopes and a great deal of confidence in the Commander. It would be very hard for them to feel they've lost both. Restraining Shepard would undermine their confidence in her and her command. Alenko and Williams have stayed with her most of the time since they brought her back, and unless I'm mistaken, they are waiting outside to return when you depart. They would notice restraints. I don't see how we could hide them." Chakwas finally met Anderson's gaze. "Forgive me for speaking freely without first requesting permission, but I think we need to consider more possibilities than just the worst. If you truly trust her…."

Anderson glanced down at Shepard. "I do." He took a deep breath. "You never need to ask my permission to speak candidly in this room. And you're right, this is speculation. There's no reason for the crew to know of my suspicions. They won't be in my report." Anderson looked up at Chakwas. "Alenko and Williams can serve as unwitting guards for now. Let me know if there's a change."

"Yes," Chakwas inclined her head. "Thank you, Captain."

* * *

"It sounds like a real nightmare." Joker's fingers flew over the controls. Eight bells had just sounded, and the relieved watch bustled out. "Geth on a rampage, half a colony massacred, living dead attacking-that's seriously fucked up."

"You should have seen it. It was like nothing could get to her, not Nihlus lying there in his own blood, not reanimated corpses, not nukes about to go off." Kaidan dialed up the Engineering diagnostics. "She was amazing."

"Something did get to her. Everyone's saying the beacon fried her brain. It's already been two days. She may never wake up." Joker shook his head and frowned, eyes still intent on his screens. "The Captain must be shitting his pants. No beacon, no Spectre, no N7 XO hero, and poor Jenkins. A disaster shakedown run. The Council and the Alliance will eat him alive."

Kaidan pushed the H.I. away and turned toward Joker. "Don't say that. She has to make it. She only got caught by the beacon because she was saving me."

Joker snorted. "Man, you've got it bad. I just hope Quartermaster Barbarella would feel the same about replacing me if anything happened."

"Her name's Barb, Joker." Kaidan resumed his work, the orange glow from the H.I. reflecting off his pale face. "And I don't have anything bad. It's just, she lived up to her reputation. I admire her, as a Marine."

"Yeah, sure, whatever you have to tell yourself to not sleep at night." Joker pushed the screen he'd been checking over to the left. "Speaking of which, tell me about the new Chief, this Ashley. What's she like?"

Kaidan shrugged. "I don't know. She's pretty tough and not afraid of a fight. I think she'll make a good addition to the team."

"Sometimes, it's like you're not even a guy." Joker shot Kaidan a reproving look. "I mean … is she hot? How does she stack up? Are her guns loaded? Are we talking large or small caliber?"

"Like Barb, she could rip you to pieces," Kaidan's smile was not slight enough for Joker to miss. "With her bare hands."

"As long as they're bare," Joker leered. "I like them like that."

"I mean literally. She could break you into multiple pieces, and if you talked like that around her, she probably would." Kaidan glanced over at Joker. "Even Doctor Chakwas wouldn't be able to put you back together again."

Joker scowled. "Don't be an ass-hat."

"I'm going to start calling you Humpty." Kaidan kept his eyes on his interface.

"It's too late, you already are an ass-hat." Joker glared at him.

Kaidan grinned. "You're the one with the hat."

"I hate you, Kaidan."

"Whatever you say, Humpty."

* * *

Shiala shifted uncomfortably in her cell. It had been too long. When the geth had taken Erastaz to one of the spikes, Shiala had known it must be to force Lady Benezia to do something. The fact that Erastaz had been returned to her cage unharmed suggested that Lady Benezia had done whatever had been required of her. So where was she? While Shiala waited she tried to rest so that she'd have the energy to reach Lady Benezia if, no, when, she returned. The hard metal floor foiled Shiala's attempts. The jagged edges and odd angles made it impossible to find a position she could rest in for long. Neither the walls nor the floor were flat. The red lights made it hard to see or to focus on anything, and the constant noises made her head hurt.

At some point, the sound of marching geth woke Shiala from her semi-sleeping state. She struggled to her feet in the flickering red light and the rising thrum of whispers. The doors on the far side of the room opened, and Lady Benezia and Saren walked through. Shiala's heart leapt to see her again, alive, but … she could tell something was wrong. She gripped the bars. If only she could get to her, help her.

The two stopped outside the central cell, and Lady Benezia opened the door and stepped in.

"No." Saren took her hand and pulled her back out. "There's no need for that anymore."

"What is your will, Saren?" Lady Benezia's voice was deep, hoarse and flat, almost unrecognizable. She stood tamely beside the metal-faced turian. Shiala didn't understand.

"Show your devotion to me." The subharmonics in Saren's tones troubled Shiala. He gripped Lady Benezia's shoulder and pushed her down. He couldn't mean….

"As you wish." Slowly, stiffly, Lady Benezia knelt in front of him. Shiala grit her teeth, even as she heard a few gasps from the others.

Saren put Lady Benezia's hands on his armor.

Lady Benezia pulled the release catches, exposing him. Shiala willed her to hurt him. Instead, she reached for him.

Before she could touch him, however, Saren tore away from her, and, fumbling, put himself back in order. Shiala saw tears, she thought they were tears, streaking his metal face. Lady Benezia stayed where she was, expressionless. "Go!" He yelled, waving a taloned hand at her. "Release them all. Lead them back to the rooms they had before. Go! Go!" He gripped a corner bar of the central cage. "GO!" His voice was raw, and Shiala saw him bend over as if in pain. She hoped he was, and that he'd die from it.

Two geth came to her cage, unlocked and opened it. Her eyes only on Lady Benezia, Shiala skirted around the door and went straight to her, helping her get to her feet. The burns looked even worse close up. Erastaz went to Lady Benezia's other side, and they supported her as they followed the geth out of the room. Their surviving companions followed, silently, one of them lingering by Varda's body for a moment first.

Shiala could feel how heavily Lady Benezia leaned on them as they led the others away from where they'd been imprisoned. She could tell the Matriarch was near the end of her strength and was glad when the geth opened the doors to the richly appointed chambers they had all shared when they'd first come aboard. "You're going to be okay. We'll take care of you," she whispered.

The black metal walls lacked the extreme jaggedness, the floor the pronounced irregularities, and even the red pulsing lights were subtler here than where they'd just been. In their shared chamber those features had seemed dramatic, not sinister, when they had first arrived. Alcoves with wide couches ringed the large open chamber. On one side, up several stairs, a round bed with red cushions and blankets stood in the middle of an elevated platform, and on the other, down several stairs, stood a long crooked table with red cushioned benches around it. Off in the far corner, a fountain bubbled with a large, wide basin for communal bathing and a higher, smaller basin for drinking water and washing hands. Their luggage and the room had been left the way it had been when they'd been dragged away from the Matriarch. The only thing different was the large sunken and stiff pattern of dried, dark blue blood across most of the bed. It told a tale of its own. Seeing it, Shiala could not figure out how Saren had survived.

Shiala's strength wavered on the stairs up to the bed, but with Erastaz's help, they managed to get Lady Benezia up them and to settle her on the edge of the bed. The others huddled together and whispered near the entrance. One went over to an alcove resting area and touched the cushion as if she didn't believe it was real. She looked over to Lady Benezia, as if for confirmation.

Lady Benezia stared at nothing.

Fighting a growing sense of uneasiness, Shiala took charge. "Let us tend the Mitera, and then ourselves. We don't know how long this reprieve will last. I need some water and some help with these sheets."

Erastaz went to fill a bowl in the fountain, while three others joined Shiala. A couple of others went to find Lady Benezia clean clothes and to pull out the bottles of sweet water and elasa they had in their luggage.

When Shiala removed the headdress, she sucked in air through her teeth. The tips of Lady Benezia's crests and her neck folds had been crisped. The blackened skin had cracked and peeled in places.

"Oh Goddess!" Chara blanched, clutched her stomach and tried to fight down dry heaves when she saw, to no avail. The other two, Eurycleia and Eidothea, gently lifted Lady Benezia's arms to work her sleeves off over her head. Then, they helped her stand so that they could ease her dress up and off her. They wept silently as their progress revealed many more wounds, Eidothea swearing under her breath at the worst of them. Meanwhile Shiala and Themis stripped the sheets off the bed, and Themis took them to soak in the top part of the fountain. As Eurycleia and Eidothea helped Lady Benezia sit back down, Erastaz returned with the bowl and a cloth, and Photine arrived with medigel and a cup of elasa with a cube of eezo bubbling in it. Glykeria handed Chara Lady Benezia's softest yellow robe and took the headdress to put away.

They all jumped when the doors opened and geth marched in, but the geth only brought platters of food, setting them down on the table before they left again.

Shiala took the cup of elasa from Photine and held it to Lady Benezia's lips. When she did not respond, Shiala touched her shoulder. "Mitera … you must try to have something while you can." Careful to avoid the burns, she took the Matriarch's chin in her hand and tipped the cup to Lady Benezia's lips. She was relieved when the Matriarch drank.

Photine's fingers, slathered in medigel, trembled as they hovered over Lady Benezia's neck folds. Shiala noticed out of the corner of her eye as she helped Lady Benezia with the cup. Photine seemed unable to bring herself to touch the wounds there.

"I'll do it," Eidothea said softly, taking the container of medigel from Photine. "Why don't you put that on her back."

Shiala grimaced in sympathy as the two carefully applied the gel.

Lady Benezia closed her eyes.

Glykeria went in search of bandages. Erastaz gently washed the Matriarch's body while Chara warmed her yellow robe by the heating vents. Shiala stroked Chara's arm comfortingly as she passed her on the way to get some food. Chara still looked green. "I just can't imagine…." she whispered.

"It's okay. I'm sure she understands." Looking over what had been brought, Shiala settled on preparing a small plate with a little meat and a little fruit. When she got back to the Matriarch, the others had finished tending her. Her wounds had been anointed and bandaged, and Chara was wrapping her in her robe. Shiala had never seen the Matriarch look so old, or so gaunt. It brought her up short for a moment, as did a deep purple ring of swollen teeth marks on her chest. She fought back tears as she went to stand beside her. "Here, just a little more to do, and then you can sleep."

The Matriarch didn't open her eyes.

"My Lady?" Shiala pressed a piece of fruit to the Matriarch's lips.

The others made their way over to the table and then to the fountain, talking softly. They helped each other disrobe and bathe, while they nibbled from shared plates, glancing back at Shiala and the Matriarch from time to time.

Shiala stroked Lady Benezia's arm for awhile before trying again with the meat. "You'll sleep better if you eat something first. You need food. Please."

The Matriarch's hand lightly grasped Shiala's. "Issa?"

"Mitera Narissa's not here."

The Matriarch released Shiala's hand. "Eléison."

"It's Shiala. I'm here." Tears rolled down Shiala's cheeks.

The Matriarch slowly lay down on her side, her face drawn. "Eléison."

"You're tired now, and in pain." Shiala put the plate down within reach and pulled the blanket up over her, before sitting down beside her. Her tears flowed unchecked. "You don't know what you're saying. Rest. I'll stay with you."

* * *

"I think she's coming around. Commander?"

Shepard recognized that voice. That was the doctor. Her vision blurred when she opened her eyes, the lights in the room making haloes around everyone, and the voices seemed loud. She grimaced and rubbed her eyes, and the lights dimmed a little. "Thanks, Doc."

"That's Doctor, Commander. How are you feeling? You had us worried."

"Yes, Doctor." As Shepard's eyes focused, she saw the smile on the Doctor's face, and swung her legs around to sit up. "I'm fine. My head throbs a little. Nothing serious." The movement stirred a wave of nausea that rose in her throat, and her head felt like it'd been split open with red hot pokers and probed. She bent over, fighting to keep from throwing up.

""You've been unconscious for five days."

Gingerly, Shepard looked up and noticed that the Doctor was standing back away from her with her arms crossed. Shepard rested her head in her hands, checking to make sure it hadn't actually been split open. Drawing in a deep breath, she ran her fingertips through her hair. She didn't know whether to feel relieved or not when her head felt familiar, no horns, no spikes sticking out of it, no bandages even. She kept her voice even. "Five days? What happened?"

"The LT and I carried you here after the beacon knocked you out," Williams explained.

Surprised, Shepard turned and saw Williams and Alenko hovering on her other side, also standing away from her. "Williams, I'm glad to see you onboard." Cracking her neck, Shepard forced herself to sit up straight. "What happened with the beacon?"

Alenko's brow furrowed, and he looked upset. "I must have triggered some sort of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way."

"You had no way of knowing what would happen," Shepard reassured him. He gave a small smile of relief.

"Actually, we don't even know if that's what set it off, and there's no way for us to determine now, unfortunately." The Doctor glanced over at the equipment by the bed.

Alenko walked up to stand beside the Doctor, concern in his eyes. "The beacon exploded. A system overload, maybe. The blast knocked you cold." Shepard drew in another deep breath.

"We've been monitoring you closely. Physically you're fine, but I detected some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves. I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, a sign typically associated with intense dreaming. What do you remember?"

"I'm not sure. I saw … I don't know what I saw … creatures being ripped apart, a cataclysmic event of some sort. Nothing's very clear." Shepard blanched as the images flashed through her mind again with a … and the Doctor was there holding a basin in front of her just in time, the other hand on her back.

"I'd better add this to my report. It may …. Oh, Captain Anderson…" The Doctor handed her an antiseptic wipe before stepping back again to give the Captain room.

Shepard quickly wiped her mouth and struggled off the edge of the bed to stand at attention.

"How's our XO holding up, Doctor?" Anderson kept his eyes on Shepard.

"All the readings look normal. I'd say the Commander is going to be fine." The Doctor emptied the basin into a wall receptacle, and then deposited it in the sterilizer. "Though I dare say that when the nausea dies down, she's going to be very hungry."

"Glad to hear it. Shepard—I need to speak with you in private." Like the others, Anderson stood back from her. Shepard frowned.

"Here, Commander." The Doctor pressed a plastic sealed pink tablet into Shepard's hand. "This will help with the nausea." She led the way out of the medbay, Alenko and Williams behind her.

Shepard bit the wrapper off the tablet and squeezed it onto her tongue. It tasted chalky and a little sweet, but much better than how her mouth had been tasting.

"I won't lie to you, Shepard, it doesn't look good." Anderson had darker circles under his eyes. "The mission failed. The beacon exploded, and Nihlus is dead."

"There's something else, too. Something about me. What aren't you telling me?"

Anderson half turned away from her.

She frowned. "Anderson?" When he said nothing, she repeated, "Sir."

"That beacon hit you pretty hard." Hands clasped behind his back, he faced her again. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"You think the beacon did something to me? What?" After another silence from her CO, Shepard sighed. "If I'm going to be your XO, you need to be able to tell me these things."

He seemed to come to some decision. "What do you remember, Shepard, about the beacon?"

Shepard looked to the left as she thought back. "It stood about twice as tall as I am and was made of a dark metal with a green light running up the middle. It was on, humming and glowing, when we got near. Alenko walked toward it, and it started to pull him in, like it had some sort of tractor beam. I could see him struggling and ran to knock him out of the area of effect, but it was stronger than I anticipated." She paused. "I could get him free, but couldn't free myself."

"Yes. Then what?"

She made a face and shook her head a little. "Then … it was … it was...," she looked up at him, "… tearing … at my mind. I saw … terrible things, felt them as if they were happening to me."

Anderson stepped over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. "I know this is hard. I'm sorry, Shepard, but I need you to be as specific as possible."

Shepard covered her face with one hand, a flash of nausea rising in her again. She started to sweat. "I know they didn't happen to me, but they seemed so real. There were these machines and flesh grew around them. They were attacking, these … monsters, tearing these other creatures apart, and there were fires and shadows of creatures running, and they were also me, but I've never seen anything like them. Then everything was melting in this red light and the noise was deafening-screams and this deep loud sound that obliterated everything." She removed the hand and looked up at Anderson. "I wish you I could tell you more, but it's all jumbled."

"I can tell it hurts to remember it. Thank you for doing it anyway. I have to ask, are you sure that what you saw wasn't a flashback of Mindoir? Or Elysium? Or some combination, triggered by the beacon somehow?" An apology showed in his eyes.

"I understand why you ask." Shepard returned his gaze steadily, crossing her arms over her stomach and leaning back against the bed. "But I haven't had a flashback since I was an N2. I've dealt with those experiences, as much as anyone can. These were different. These were not something I'd seen or felt before."

Anderson nodded. "So what is your theory about what this beacon was? The Council is going to want answers. What do you think we should tell them?" He paced away from her.

"I think, maybe it was some kind of warning." She watched him.

He turned, paced back. "To whom? About what?"

Shepard's eyebrows lifted. "Maybe to other Protheans about whatever brought their civilization to an end, some kind of invasion?" Their eyes met.

Anderson nodded. "And what do you think the geth would want with that? They hadn't been created yet when the Protheans still existed."

"Well, they wouldn't have known what the beacon contained any more than we did, I hope, but if they're starting an intergalactic war, it would make sense that they would seek any advantages they could get." Shepard raised a finger to her lips and chewed on it as she thought.

"Why now? They've stayed behind the Veil for 200 years." Anderson came and leaned against the bed beside her.

"And this beacon just happens to show machines destroying organic life?" Shepard pursed her lips, then shook her head. "That seems too big a coincidence. There's something more going on, and we have to get to the bottom of it. We have to warn the Council and the Alliance, and track that ship. They need to be stopped."

"Agreed." Anderson clapped Shepard on the back. "It's good to have you back."

Shepard grinned. "Thanks, Anderson." She considered nudging Anderson with her shoulder and decided against it. "There's something else, though."

"Yes?"

"A witness to Nilhus' death said he was killed by a fellow turian, one by the name of Saren. I couldn't place it, but that name sounds familiar."

Anderson pushed off the bed and took a few steps away. "Saren? You're sure?"

"Yes."

He turned around, a grim expression on his face. "Saren Arterius is a Council Spectre who hates humans. I know him. If he's involved, he'll be attacking more human colonies. We should be arriving at the Citadel within the next few hours. Go get something to eat, write up your report, and when you've filed it, go up to the bridge and tell Joker we're ready to dock. I'll want you to take the Eden Prime team to present your report to the Council. Now go, and please send in Doctor Chakwas on your way out. She should be nearby."

Shepard nodded and headed out the medbay doors.


	11. Crossing Rough

**Crossing Rough**

From Pablo Neruda's _Entrance of the Rivers_

_Beloved …  
azure …  
goddess …  
awakening …  
to be tattoed …_

_You are made of wellsprings…  
crossing rough, dilated …  
all ..._

* * *

_Aethyta pushed the asari in front of her, taking her by surprise and knocking her off balance, so that she caught herself on a nearby table. "I want to hear you moan my name." The beautiful asari struggled to get back up, but Aethya slid a hand down the other's back and forced her to stay bent over by pressing her neck down toward the table. "I want it to be the only thing you can think as you drown in pleasure." They were near the center of a large banquet hall whose circular tables glistened with plate settings and full water glasses on white tablecloths, and whose mirrored walls created the illusion that the vases and vases of flowers stretched on and on unendingly. It was set up for a feast. "Because I've been thinking a lot about you since we last met."_

Aethyta's assistant knocked on the door, then entered. "Afendra, please pardon my interruption. There's an investor here who's asked to meet with you."

"That's too bad," Aethyta didn't look up, continuing her work on the amp design she was drafting, her back to the door. "I'm busy. Let the board handle it." The challenge of boosting power without creating more heat absorbed her as she sat at the holographic drafting table in her large glass office. Turian physiology was not as robust as krogan, and it wouldn't do to roast brains.

The assistant stood her ground, datapad in hand. "She's already met with the board, and she insists."

"Well la-di-fricking-dah, schedule her for another time. I've almost figured this out!" Just a few more tweaks…

"It's a rather large investment." The assistant's voice grated on her nerves, interfering with her concentration.

"I don't care! Go away!" Aethyta turned and threw the misfiring prototype at her assistant, who nimbly dodged it, revealing an asari standing in the doorway behind her. Aethyta stopped short at the sight. The newcomer was tall and light-skinned, with a glint of mischief in her deep blue eyes, a stunning yellow dress, and an absolutely amazing….

"It would practically make us business partners." The beautiful asari smiled, unperturbed. "So perhaps you can understand why I must speak with you to be sure this is a wise decision."

"You!" Project forgotten, Aethyta stood.

"May I present…" Her assistant started.

"I know who she is." Aethyta waved her assistant's attempt aside. "Go set up lunch for the two of us in one of the private rooms."

"Ahem," the assistant coughed softly. "She has a bit of a … retinue."

"Put them some place else." Aethyta strode toward her visitor.

_"Let me up." Her captive had braced herself on the table, hands on either side of her face. She pushed against Aethyta's grip._

_Aethyta strengthened her hold on her captive's neck, "Can you handle surprises?" Her other hand gathered the asari's skirts at the back and piled them up above her waist. "Business ventures involve risk, going outside one's comfort zone." Her exploring hand slid over her captive's exposed buttocks as Aethyta stepped closer, pressing against her captive. "Being open to new possibilities." Her fingers followed firm contours to where they met and traced that silk-clad crevice while her captive squirmed under her touch._

"Would you like a private tour?" Aethyta held out an arm. "I'm quite proud of my company."

Benezia took the offered arm. "I didn't know you were an engineer, as well as a founder."

"I like the problem-solving part of the process. I let real techies handle the rest." Aethyta led Benezia down a long glass and tile hall toward the elevator to the labs, suppressing an eye roll at the group of asari following them. "Thanks to your speech, and the legislation that passed, we are now in a position to expand substantially. It's a good time to invest." They passed where Binary Helix and the company's delicate twisting lattice logo had been acid etched into the glass. "What do you know about what we do?"

"This building is marvelous." Benezia looked around admiringly as they walked. The offices had been built in a park and all the walls were one-way mirrored glass that gave occupants the illusion of working in a garden or forest, depending on which part of the building they were in but didn't allow those outside to see in. Aethyta's office had perched over the side of a lake, and the hallway had woods surrounding it. "I only know what's available to the public and from background checks. Your firm performs cutting-edge biotechnology research and manufactures bioamps and omnitools. They outsell and often outperform your competitors'. You have a reputation for being reliable, resourceful, shrewd and fair." Benezia's scent, a spice Aethyta couldn't identify, wafted over Aethyta as they walked, the smell stirring powerful sense memories. "The range of species you create bioamps for particularly caught my attention."

With a groan, Aethyta stopped and faced her, Benezia's arm sliding off hers as she did. "Don't tell me you're one of the 'biotics are only for asari' crowd."

Benezia tilted her head to the side. "You were there when I gave a speech about how every species deserves the right to learn how to harness biotics for their betterment." She touched Aethyta's arm and asked lightly, "Weren't you listening?"

Aethyta remembered only the start of what Benezia had said that day. There had been so many speeches, but so few breasts like hers.

"Aethyta." Benezia's voice softly drew Aethyta's attention back to what Benezia had been saying.

Because the room seemed to spin a little when Benezia so breathily spoke her name, Aethyta responded roughly by way of overcompensation. "I never know how much stock to place in the words of politicians." Aethyta shrugged and resumed leading Benezia down the hall.

_Benezia's face flushed a deep purple. "I can't talk business like this." Aethyta wondered if it was because the position Benezia found herself in was uncomfortable, undignified, or undeniably arousing._

_"All you have to say is my name." Aethyta's fingernails lightly raked Benezia from where the swell and curve of her buttocks began up to the sensitive area at their top, Benezia's warm, soft skin quivering then jerking under her touch. "I want to hear you this time." Aethyta traced circles and figure eights over the most responsive areas._

_"Aethyta," Benezia struggled to regain her composure. "I meant what I said in my speech. Your company is doing what I think the whole industry should, and I want to help it, to support principled growth in this sector. I came to see if we could do business, after what happened between us. Can you manage a professional relationship with me?"_

"Your company's intergalactic marketing philosophy is a big part of its appeal. Your competitors think more narrowly." Benezia's blue eyes met Aethyta's brown ones in a sidelong, appraising glance. "Speaking of which, maybe it's you who should be vetting me, if you think so little of politicians." They had reached the elevator and stepped on, turning together to face the door again as the others filed in to stand behind them.

"Oh, I plan to," Aethyta assured her. "I don't get in bed with just anybody." She swiped her id bracelet over the sensor and pressed the button for the labs.

The elevator doors closed. Benezia smiled. "You mean your company doesn't."

"That too." The bell dinged to let them know they'd reached the subterranean network of labs. Aethyta held up a hand. "For proprietary reasons, I can only take you to see the work on this floor. I'm sure you understand. The others will have to stay."

Benezia nodded. "I understand."

"Just you." Aethyta stepped off the elevator and waited.

With a commanding look, Benezia silenced the protests of most of her bodyguards, attendants and assistants. "Wait for me upstairs. I'll be fine."

When the rest had fallen silent, one lifted her head, her eyes shining. "I won't leave you."

"Shiala…." Benezia reproved softly.

"I swear by Athame not to reveal anything I see during this visit." The asari did not break eye contact with Benezia.

After a long moment, Benezia bowed her head, and turned back to Aethyta.

_"After _**what**_ happened?" Aethyta found it hard to hold back as she caressed Benezia's backside moving ever closer to where the silk concealed so little. She wanted to savor this. It had been over too quickly last time, and she hadn't been able to stop thinking about Benezia ever since. And here she was._

_Benezia ceased summoning her biotics. The purple glow around her faded. "You know."_

_"Can't you say it?" Goddess, her ass was magnificent. Aethyta licked her lips. She wanted to bite it, slap it, squeeze it. Her eyes darkened with the thought. The anticipation was delicious._

_"After we were intimate." Benezia squirmed again. "Let me up."_

Aethyta scowled. "Fine."

The two stepped off the elevator and joined her.

Heading to the left, Aethyta did not offer Benezia her arm again. "Our portfolio of biotechnology is fairly well known, but some lines are more exclusive than others." On their right, glass windows punctuated the stainless steel walls, etched with the words WEAPONS DIVISION. Through the windows, long tables laden with equipment could be seen in the left part of the room, sectioned off by a metal half-wall. The inside of the lab flashed as a red-armored turian, krogan and batarian wired into computer ports on the far wall threw biotic attacks at one another as they maneuvered in and out of cover in the larger area. Black rubber padded the floor and multiple sensors could be seen recording energy usage and impacts. Yellow and black-checkered cautionary signs on the doors read TESTS IN PROGRESS and a flashing red light warned that no entry was allowed.

Feeling piqued, Aethyta looked back at her two guests, the one elegant, proud and incredibly attractive, the other, an obstacle. A not entirely friendly grin crinkled the corner of her eyes and lips as she swiped her bracelet at the door. They didn't trust her or think she could keep them safe? That's how that was? Fine. Loud buzzers sounded as the red light flashed yellow and the doors opened. Shiala's shoulders stiffened. Benezia followed Aethyta without hesitation, Shiala staying close.

The batarian looked behind him at the buzzer, only to be thrown through a pile of plasticrete cases and against a side wall a moment later by the turian.

"Rookie move, Stricc," the turian gloated.

The krogan neither lowered his guard nor took his eyes off the other two. "Hey, Aethyta. You here to play? There's a Z23 on the back table we haven't tried out yet."

"I've brought an investor," Aethyta swiped an amp from the table and threw it at Benezia, "who wants to know how we do things."

Benezia caught it and turned it over in her hands. Shiala clenched her fists.

The batarian got to his feet, eyeing Benezia and Shiala. "Are you sure? She looks too fancy to be down here. She's even got a bodyguard."

_"You mean after I _**fucked**_ you." Aethyta laughed. "After I fucked you senseless in a bathroom stall, and you liked it so much you came looking for me, talking about partnership."_

_"Do you have to be so… Oh!" Benezia jerked as Aethyta's fingers brushed her sex through the silk, then slowly pushed the silk aside and grazed it._

_"You don't seem to know what you _**really**_ want." Aethyta's smile was wolfish, but her captive couldn't turn her head enough to see it. She made a point of putting those fingers in her mouth and loudly, appreciatively, sucking on them, before pulling them out of her mouth with a wet pop. "Mmmm … just like last time." Her voice deepened. "Say it."_

_Benezia glowed more brightly, her cheeks burned purple, and she struggled. "I ... It's…."_

_"Partnership requires trust, honesty." Aethyta smacked Benezia's left cheek and enjoyed watching her jump at the unexpected contact. "This is not just about business for you. Admit it, princess! Say it!" As Benezia hesitated, Aethyta stepped away and crossed her arms. "Ask me."_

Benezia met Aethyta's amused glance. "I think you'll find I'm not just another pretty face."

Aethyta's grin broadened as Shiala frowned. "Then you'll want to …" She reached over to show Benezia how to put on the amp, set up for external wear around the neck on a thin metal harness.

Before she could, Benezia wrapped it around her neck. "I'm familiar with the concept."

"Your funeral." The krogan shrugged and the three shifted positions as Benezia stepped through the divider.

Benezia walked to the middle of the testing area and turned and made eye contact with Aethyta.

Aethyta frowned. "Are you familiar with the concept of cover? These guys are good. You're going to get creamed." Before she could finish, five flashes lit the room so brightly that for a minute, it blinded everyone. "Fuck!" That had been a stupid thing to do. If Benezia was hurt….

When her vision had cleared, Aethyta could see big red lights strobing around the room, the air full of dust, and Benezia still standing where she had been, a shield shimmering around her. Relief flooded Aethyta. She had meant to do that herself, put up a shield around Benezia, but it had all happened so fast. Looking over at Shiala, whose extended arm glowed, Aethyta let out the breath she'd been holding. She was glad Shiala had been there, and blinked at her apologetically.

The shield fizzled and dropped as Benezia walked toward them, taking the amp off as she did and placing it in Aethyta's hand when she got close enough. "Interesting device."

"How would you know, you didn't even …. Ow!" Aethyta juggled the amp to keep it from burning her hands and dropped it back on the table. Bending down she could see it had been fried. The center had a black corona around it.

"I hope you make them more robust," Benezia said softly, "before you release them on the market."

"Well I'll be a dress-wearing elcor…." Aethyta mumbled as she noticed her testers sprawled in various corners of the room among the knocked over plasticrete cases. Not a single bit of cover remained. She pressed a button on the wall and spoke into the mic there. "Green team to lab 3. We need medical assistance and cleanup." The sensors whirred away, their needles spiking and their screens scrolling rapidly. A glance at the data made Aethyta whistle. She gave Benezia a genuine smile and gestured for her and Shiala to precede her through the doorway. "There's a lot more down here. Was there anything in particular that you wanted to see?"

_Benezia didn't move. "Aethyta…"_

_Aethyta crossed her arms._

_Benezia looked back over her shoulder at her, her eyes pitch black. "Shut up and fuck me."_

_With a huge grin, Aethyta stepped forward, pushed Benezia's head down again, pulled the thin strip of silk away and slid inside her._

Benezia gently took her arm. "I'd like to see the things you work on. The things that matter to you. The things you are passionate about."

The two exchanged a long glance. Aethyta fought the desire to push her against the wall then and there, Shiala or no. Time to speed up the tour so that they could get to their private lunch. "I'm most excited about our future." She led them down the hallway and around a couple of turns before she slowed. On the left, through the windows, white-coated asari and salarians could be seen peering into different sized scopes and using centrifuges to mix vials. "Our logical next step is into genetic engineering." Her eyes shone. "We have already begun to acquire assets and to achieve results in our efforts to build super soldiers and fight disease. This lab has begun work on a project I value above all the rest." The stenciling on the glass read PATHOGEN R&D. "I give you the lab that will cure the genophage!"

Benezia's jaw dropped.

_Benezia's head arched back, her mouth opened and her shoulder blades pulled back. The angle heightened her pleasure, Aethyta knew._

_Aethyta grunted as Benezia clenched around her. Yes, this was what she had wanted, what she hadn't been able to forget, the grip of that mind, the kaleidoscope of thoughts and emotions and the stunning, compelling depth. Aethyta wanted to push deeper, to stay there, but instead she slowly pulled back._

_Benezia tried to follow._

_Aethyta wouldn't let her. Before the frustration could become too much, Aethyta slid back in. The challenge, tug and tightness as their wills met and interpenetrated intoxicated her. She could feel Benezia's arousal, her curiosity, her … ripeness. "Yes," she whispered before she pulled back again. This time, she spread her fingers as she did._

_Benezia arched back harder against Aethyta and moaned._

Aethyta grinned at the reaction. "We're in the earliest stages, but _this_ is the project I'm most passionate about."

"You…. How…." Benezia looked between Aethyta and the lab, at an uncharacteristic loss for words. "Is it even possible?"

"Our people and the krogan are the longest lived. What's a long lifespan for if not to make a difference that really counts? What do you think?" It surprised Aethyta that she really, really cared.

"The implications are … staggering. I can't wrap my mind around it." Benezia admitted, shaking her head. "The krogan…" She stepped forward and touched the window of the lab. "…back in full force. It would change everything. It might even challenge asari supremacy."

"Yeah," Aethyta chortled. "It might even knock the matriarchs off their smug superiority complexes!"

Benezia looked askance at Aethyta. "Yes, but why? Why is this important to you?"

"My father was a krogan." Aethyta lifted her head proudly. "He fought the rachni and survived the Rebellions."

The look in Benezia's eyes softened. "Was?"

"Yeah." Aethyta shrugged. "When I was 100, my parents decided to re-enact the Rebellions, and that was the end of that."

"Your mother killed him?" Benezia frowned.

"Neither of them survived." Aethyta shook her head. "Neither of them did anything half way. The stories I could tell about them could make a hetera blush."

Benezia raised one of her eye markings.

"I'll tell you about it over lunch, if you want." Aethyta gestured for Benezia to turn and walk back the way they had come. "Let's go now. I'm very hungry." She sent a sidelong glance at Benezia and thought she saw a slight smile curl the corner of her luscious mouth.

_The moan inflamed Aethyta. She wanted to hear all the sounds Benezia could make in the throes of passion. She began a slow, steady rhythm, plunging in, almost pulling out, mesmerized by the way Benezia's body undulated to receive her. Letting go of Benezia's neck, she stroked Benezia's back, feeling the muscles flexing as Benezia arched whenever Aethyta pushed inside her. Warmth spread from Benezia's center, and Aethyta's passion grew more intense._

_Benezia braced herself against the tabletop with her forearms as Aethyta thrust more forcefully into her, making the cups rattle on their saucers and the silverware clink against each other. Aethyta knew each thrust evoked a wave of pleasure pulsing and dizzying in its sweet fullness. She could feel Benezia feeling it. Soft sounds, like the cooing of a peristerah, escaped Benezia as she received each thrust. When Aethyta released the pressure on Benezia's neck, Benezia started to push up from the table._

_To stop her, Aethyta increased the force and rhythm, keeping her off balance. The sounds Benezia made stoked the fierceness of Aethyta's desire. She wanted to ride Benezia, to mark her, claim her, take her. The plates, glasses and silverware jumped and thumped on the table, each little leap taking them closer to its edge._

_Moans gave way to whimpers as Aethyta's thoughts and thrusts overwhelmed Benezia with sensations so intense she could no longer control her body or her biotics. She was, she was, she was…. Her palms stretched against the table top, and slipped as the tablecloth rumpled and slid away beneath her as she vainly tried to brace herself. "Unh … unh … ooh … oh … too much... I can't…."_

_"YES!" Aethyta shouted, frenzied. "YES!" There was no stopping now. Her skin glowed, every sensation magnified many times as everything that separated them blurred. Benezia was hers, hers, hers, her. She was drunk with passion, her whole body moving into the thrusts, her whole body on fire._

_Glasses tipped over, spilling water everywhere, plates crashed to the floor. Benezia's head arched back, her legs and then back went rigid, and from deep inside she let out an, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" The long, loud exhalation trailed on and on and did not stop until Aethyta and she finally subsided several minutes later, Benezia on the now-cleared table, Aethyta on the now-collapsed Benezia._

"Why so quiet?" Aethyta gently took Benezia's arm again as they walked back the way they'd come. Their footfalls echoed down the hallways.

"Hmm." Benezia shook her head as if to shake off her reverie. "You've given me much to think about." Her hand was light and warm on Aethyta's arm.

"Are you reconsidering your desire to invest because of the genophage cure research? It won't be popular with everyone." A tinge of concern crept into Aethyta's voice.

"No, although I do want to think more about the ramifications if you succeed. It's no small thing, either the vision or the endeavor. I can understand why you'd want to do it, given your heritage." Benezia did indeed look thoughtful.

"Your father wasn't a rachni or anything like that?" Aethyta tried to make light of her own unexpected discomfort.

Benezia made a face. "Very funny…."

"I want to know more about you," Aethyta pressed, earnestly.

"I don't have any stories like yours." Benezia's expression seemed a little sad. "I never knew my parents. My mother died when I was born, and I grew up in a group home until I was old enough to inherit."

"Really? I imagined something very different." They had reached the elevator again, and Aethyta swiped her id bracelet and pressed the button to summon it.

"Most people do." Benezia looked over at her and smiled. "You thought about me?"

_Even as their bodies cooled, their minds stayed connected in a gentle ebb and flow of raw sensation. "Damn…," Aethyta gasped. "… that was …. Imagine … what we could do … on a bed…."_

_Benezia was a long time in answering. "You've … heard of … those?" Her voice was very soft and deep._

_Aethyta kissed Benezia's cheek and stood. Her legs wobbled as she pulled Benezia's skirt back down. "Let's move … somewhere more comfortable." She propped herself against the table._

_"I'm … comfortable," Benezia said weakly, although the weight of her legs hanging off the table dragged her torso toward the edge. "I don't … think I can … move."_

_"Sure you can." Aethyta tugged her over and took and wrapped one of Benezia's arms around her shoulders. "There are some soft cushy benches right over …. Oup!"_

_The two tumbled to the carpet, laughing. "I told you," Benezia said faintly and smugly. "You should … listen to me."_

_Aethyta rolled them so that she ended up on top of Benezia, reveling in the feeling of Benezia's body under hers so much that her arousal grew again. She leaned down and lightly kissed Benezia's cheek again. "Next time."_

_Benezia's heavy-lidded eyes were still black. "Don't … count on it!" She pushed weakly against Aethyta's chest._

_"Next time," Aethyta insisted, rolling beside her._

_"Mmmm." They lay for a long while tangled together on the floor, side-by-side. Aethyta lightly traced the curves of Benezia's cheeks and lips, memorizing them. Benezia's head lolled as she drifted. "'Thyta?"_

_"Yes?" Aethyta smiled at the shortening of her name._

_"My head aches," Benezia admitted._

_Aethyta frowned. With effort, she could sense the pain, but only slightly. "Did you hit it when we fell?" With one hand, she gently stroked Benezia's crests._

_"I don't think so." Benezia's head wobbled a little as she shook it. "Our connection. I can't maintain it."_

_"Then let go." Aethyta pulled mostly out of Benezia's mind and waited, but nothing changed. She could still feel Benezia, ghost-like, inside her._

_"Something's wrong. I can't." Benezia's eyes, still black, opened. "It hurts." Panic tinged her voice._

Aethyta didn't answer, just ushered the other two aboard and pressed the button for the seventh floor. When they stepped off, Aethyta's assistant and the rest of Benezia's retinue were waiting.

"See, I told you the alarm was nothing to worry about." The assistant reassured one of the asari and then glanced over her shoulder and gave Aethyta a look before continuing to address the small group. "If you'll come with me, your lunch has been set up in the Armali dining hall. You'll be right next door to them."

Benezia turned to her companion. "Shiala, please reassure the others that I'm in perfect health."

Shiala hesitated, then bowed and walked swiftly and gracefully toward the others.

Aethyta's assistant approached, the rest following. "Your meal has been set up in the Orchid room," she told Aethyta.

"Thank you." Aethyta turned to Benezia as the rest filed past them and down the hall. "Come on, I'll take you the back way, through the ballroom. It's set up for a banquet we're having later." She led Benezia through a door into a large industrial catering kitchen, through the kitchen and into the ballroom itself, where everything had already been set up.

_"Just relax. Take deep breaths. We'll figure this out." Aethyta sat up next to Benezia._

_Benezia clutched at Aethyta. "I need you more inside me." She hunched her shoulders and grimaced in pain, holding her breath._

_Aethyta stroked Benezia's cheek. "Don't panic. Keep breathing." Aethyta eased deeper into Benezia's dilated mind. She shared Benezia's pain and fear, her sense of being stuck, and steadied her with presence and reassurance. "I'm here. It's going to be alright."_

_The corona of pain in Benezia's head lessened somewhat with Aethyta's actions, her breathing and shoulders became more relaxed as her panic faded. "Thank you."_

_Aethyta looked around. All the dishes scattered on the carpet and the water dripping off the table onto the floor nearby told too clear a story. Of course, whoever's help they sought, when they found out the nature of the problem, would know what they had been doing anyway. Still, she sensed that she had Benezia's agreement. Standing, Aethyta released a biotic pulse that pushed over the surrounding ring of tables. Her people would not be terribly happy about it, but there was still time for them to clean up before the evening's event. She sat again by Benezia, and taking her hand, held it. "Who?"_

_Benezia kept her eyes closed. "Shiala. She'll know what to do."_

_Aethyta could tell Benezia was focusing on her breathing and further calmed by the thought that they were in the process of getting help. She could also feel Benezia's pain intensifying. After calling her assistant and requesting that she discreetly bring Shiala to the banquet hall, Aethyta squeezed Benezia's hand. "Do you want me to try to figure out…."_

_"No, you mustn't!" Anxiety flared in Benezia at the question, and her reply came instantaneously with an instinctive attempt to sever their connection. She dropped Aethyta's hand to clutch at her temples with both hands. "Aah!"_

_Aethyta grimaced as Benezia's pain grew inside her, and braced herself against the floor. "Okay, okay, I won't." She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. "I never would without your permission." All the reassurance she could muster, she sent to her.  
_

_"Where is she?" Shiala's voice snapped Aethyta's eyes open, and she looked behind her to see her assistant ushering Shiala into the hall, and Shiala running for the downed tables and Benezia. Shiala took one look at Aethyta's dark eyes and Benezia writhing on the floor, twisting her head back and forth, and started to glow. "What have you done to her?!"_

_Aethyta's assistant gaped at the scene._

_"Don't just stand there," Aethyta ordered. "We need a car to pick us up at one of the service entrances, discreetly. Now! We need to get her to the hospital without anyone knowing."_

_Her assistant closed her mouth, nodded curtly, and turned away, typing busily on her omnitool._

_"No." Shiala knelt beside Benezia, restraining her as gently as possible. "We need to get her to the Temple."_

_Aethyta frowned at Shiala. "Have you been sniffing Vorcha droppings? She needs a doctor, not a priest!"_

_Shiala glared murderously at Aethyta. "No, you festering and ignorant pustule," she growled, her biotics glowing even brighter. "We need to get her to the Temple because **she's** a priest, and because **you've** put her in danger."_

_"She's a what?!" Aethyta recoiled back on her heels, eyes wide. "I what!?"_

_On the ground between them, Benezia moaned softly._


	12. The Emperor of Ice Cream

**The Emperor of Ice Cream**

from Wallace Stevens' poem of the same name

_Call the roller of big cigars,  
The muscular one, and bid him whip  
In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.  
Let the wenches dawdle in such dress  
As they are used to wear, and let the boys  
Bring flowers in last month's newspapers.  
Let be be finale of seem.  
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream._

* * *

Rachel and Leyne had almost made it to the more populated areas when a sound made Leyne glance back over her shoulder. She grabbed Rachel's arm in panic and pulled on her, eyes wide and lips moving but no sound coming out of her mouth.

"Cut it out." Rachel scowled and pulled her arm free. "What's wrong with you?"

With a hard shove, Leyne knocked Rachel over, dropped her bag and took off as fast as she could.

Rachel had a second to witness Leyne in her high-heeled boots and miniskirt bouncing down the street, before a rush of heat and fumes choked her as something flew by, almost hitting her head. "Hey!"

"AAAAAHH!" Leyne screamed, running straight down the sidewalk, boot heels clicking against the pavement. She looked back, saw Rachel almost run down, and tripped. "RACHEL!"

A hovertruck slid in a wide arc in front of her, blocking her view of Leyne as it turned toward her. She could see Don Gitlan at the wheel. "Oh hell!" Outrage flooded her as she rose. The bastard had tried to hit them! A quick look showed a nearby ditch and the woods, closer now, but still several blocks away. As the truck's engines gunned, Rachel ran for it, leaping the ditch and crashing into the underbrush on the other side. Briars tore at her pant legs and dry brown reeds and tall dry grass burst against her sleeves and legs as she raced across the untended field, the truck gaining on her. Things scurried to flee the thudding of her feet and the roar of the truck's engine. Two mourning doves rose in a startled explosion of flapping wings and squeaky warning cries from their nesting place.

Rachel had only gotten a third of the way across the field when her foot hooked on rusted metal. Some boxspring had been discarded and had been disintegrating there. Her sneaker caught in one of the red flaking rusted coils, and she fell headlong, her momentum twisting her foot free and sending her flying on her belly through the brush. She instinctively ducked her head and brought her arms and hands up to protect it from the briars and sticks before she hit the ground hard and slid to a stop. Everything darkened and the hot exhaust from the hovertruck burned her back and deafened her momentarily as it flew over her. Grimacing, Rachel jumped back to her feet, her sneakers slipping in the sunken muddy patch beneath her before she took off after the truck. Her ankle hurt when she put weight on it, but she ignored it. If she could make it across these two fields, she could reach the woods, and the truck wouldn't be able to follow.

"Raaaaaaachel!" Rachel jumped and swiveled at the sound. Leyne awkwardly scrambled across the field behind her, through the swathe beaten down by the hovertruck.

"Oh for crying out loud…." Rachel frantically tried to motion Leyne to go back, to run the other way, but Leyne kept coming. Rachel could hear the engine getting farther away, but knew it wouldn't be long before he managed to turn it again. To her left, a very dark patch amidst the thick briars might be a hidden rock or the main stem of the briars, and to the right, ahead of her, a rusted pipe jutted promisingly from the ground.

The truck scraped and screeched through the brush in a tight arc, the briars catching at the metal, slowing its turn.

With another glance at the briars on the left, Rachel limped for the pipe.

Don aimed for her and stepped on the accelerator.

"Noooo!" Leyne screamed.

Rachel dove for the pipe and the truck passed to the side of her. Standing, she gripped the pipe and pulled. It didn't budge.

Leyne jumped up and down and waved her arms frantically. "RUN!"

Don turned the truck around between them. As Rachel tugged on the pipe, he gunned the engine, making the truck lift and shimmy in the ragged field.

Rachel watched Leyne bend down, pick up a stone and throw it at the truck. It missed. She did it again, and this time, it hit and bounced off. Don glanced back, put his arm up on the seat next to him, and pedaled the rudders into a different position.

"Leyne don't!" Rachel pulled as hard as she could on the pipe. A whole matted section of brush and roots lifted with it, but it didn't come free. "Stay out of this! Go back to the road!"

"Ooooo!" Leyne shrieked as the hovertruck suddenly accelerated backwards toward her. "Aaaaah!" Hands in the air, she ran to the side. Don didn't have as good control backing up, and missed her. "Asshole!" she screamed at him as she ran up to the side of the truck and hit it with her fist. "Dickhead!"

Rachel knelt, grabbed a large rock, hefted it up, and smashed it down on one of the darker red, more rusted sections of the pipe. Then she did it again and again, desperation giving her strength.

Don stepped on the accelerator and the truck tore away from Leyne, who shook her fist at him as he drove the truck in a large circle, flattening a good part of the field, before aiming it at Rachel again. He revved the engine.

Rachel tugged on the pipe again, stepping on the part she'd hit. It lifted farther, but that was all. She tried to twist it free.

The hovertruck came flying at her. Rachel froze.

"Move!" Leyne screamed. "RACHEL! NOOOO!"

Rachel could see in agonizing detail the squint of Don's eyes, the cowlick at his front part, the redness around his knuckles as he gripped the wheel, the dulled silver bird design in the center of the hovertruck's grill, the shimmering dark space below the truck barely a foot high. She lifted the pipe and leaned back.

With a deafening shriek, the end of the pipe punctured the grill and screeched through the engine block, the force of the impact rippling the hood and shattering the windshield. A whole web of roots and brush had lifted with the pipe and the weight brought the truck's nose down to plow the dirt. The vehicle let out a loud, high-pitched whine and a long wheeze before the safety kicked in and shut it down. Sticks cracked and the hot metal ticked as the truck settled. Its fans whirred to a stop and glass tinkled to the ground before the field resumed its natural quiet. Clouds had dulled the sky into an opaque and indiscriminate whiteness.

Leyne's breath wheezed in and out as she reached Rachel's body, spread-eagle on the ground meters beyond where the truck had so violently subsided, and knelt down. She brushed Rachel's hair out of her face. "Rachel?"

Rachel opened her eyes and looked up at her worried face. "I'm having a bad day."

"Oh, thank God!" Leyne squeezed her shoulder.

"Ow." Rachel made a face.

"I'm so sorry!" Leyne lifted her hand away, using it instead to steady herself as she knelt. Nettles and stickers dotted her jacket, leggings and miniskirt; her hair bumped out on one side where she must have caught and tugged on it; and dirt smudged her cheeks, palms and knees. "Are you okay? Where do you hurt?"

"Everywhere." Rachel patted at her body. Everything seemed connected. "Help me up."

Leyne stood and offered her hand to Rachel, who winced as she pulled herself up. Leyne looked Rachel over, the dirty, torn pants and sweatshirt, the scratched face and cut up hands. "Well, at least you didn't ruin a _good_ outfit."

Rachel snorted at her. Then she bent over, putting her elbows on her knees. She paused before brushing her knees off, Leyne's hand resting briefly on her back as she did.

"That was the stupidest thing I ever saw," Leyne admitted. "You should have run. That could have killed you. You may have killed Don."

Glancing at Leyne with a worried expression, Rachel hobbled over to the side of the truck and looked in.

Don stared at her wide-eyed. He pushed himself off the wheel, showing no visible signs of injury. "My truck, what did you do to my truck?!" he whined.

"I think what you mean is what have YOU done to your truck." Rachel looked back at Leyne, who seemed reassured when she gave her the thumb's up. Rachel went and leaned on the smoking hood of the truck. "Do you need help, Don? I mean, besides psychiatrically."

Glass fell off his clothes as he started to kick at the door with his feet to get it to open. "This isn't over! When I tell my brothers what you did to our truck, they're all gonna come after you!"

"One problem at a time, Don." Rachel limped away from the truck. "Leyne, I think it's time to go." With each passing moment, she felt stiffer. It was getting late. Panic nibbled at her at the thought of being stuck out after dark. No, no, no. She had to get back to the house before that happened.

Leyne went over to help her, putting an arm around her waist. "If you still want to go to the woods, there's a trail over there," she pointed to the left edge of the field.

Rachel wrapped her arm around Leyne's shoulder as she looked at Leyne in disbelief. "You're kidding me."

Together the two made it to the edge of the field and climbed a small muddy embankment. Looking back, Rachel saw Don had extricated himself from the truck's cab and had started to survey the damage. She turned and pushed through the tall reeds to find the trail.

They began to walk toward the woods. Leyne seemed remarkably steady in her heels, which had also proven remarkably sturdy. "You live on the other side of it, don't you, in Southies?"

"Yeah." Rachel limped along as fast as she could, trying not to lean too much on Leyne, trying to ignore the pain, and trying to keep her rising panic at bay. She didn't know what time it was, but it had to be getting late.

"My home would be closer." Leyne looked over at her. "It's in the other direction, though."

"No, I have to get back to the house." Rachel tried to limp faster. She grit her teeth.

Leyne looked puzzled. "I think you're going to need to see a doctor. My Dad could drive you. Plus, my bag's back there."

"My bag!" Rachel stopped abruptly. "Where's my bag?"

"You didn't have one." Leyne frowned. "Are you okay?"

"I did. I know I did. Crap! My keys are in there!" Rachel felt like crying. "I left it in the principal's office."

"The principal's?" Leyne's eyebrows lifted. "You _are_ having a bad day."

Rachel shook her head. "It doesn't matter now. Do you want to go get yours, and go home? I can manage from here. I'm fine." It would probably be best if Leyne didn't see the house anyway.

"You are clearly not fine, and I'm going to make sure you get home safe. I owe you that much at least." Leyne's tone made it clear she expected no argument. "But if you don't mind, I'll run back and get my bag, if it's still there. Wait here?" She made sure Rachel was steady as she stopped supporting her. "It'll only take me a few minutes. Don't go anywhere!" When she was sure Rachel could stand on her own, Leyne trotted off down the trail.

"Stay away from Don. Don't let him see you!," Rachel called after her. For a while, she managed to stay still, but panic tore through her again as she noticed that the light was fading. Leyne was taking too long. With a glance back at where Leyne had vanished, Rachel hobbled off in the other direction. The sharp pain shooting up her leg every time she stepped made the woods seem almost impossibly far away. She forced herself on, terror rising in her with the dusk.

"Hey!" Leyne whispered loudly, and Rachel jumped at the sound, spun and fell on her butt. "Wow, you're white as a sheet. Why aren't you waiting for me?"

"I need to get to the house. I have to hurry because the door's always locked at night, and now I don't have my key." Rachel brushed sand out of the raw spots on her palms.

Leyne helped Rachel up and wrapped her arm around the other girl's ribs again, placing her shoulder under Rachel's arm. "Okay. We'll hurry." Huffing and puffing they made it to the edge of the woods. It was even darker in there. "Are you sure this is a good idea? The woods? At this time of day?" Leyne wiped the sweat off her forehead as they paused to catch their breaths.

Rachel just nodded and clutched Leyne's shoulder tighter. "Please hurry." The panic twisted knives in her gut. She'd always been afraid of the dark, but her Dad had helped her. Now, after _that_ night, the terrors had returned worse than ever. The nights brought terrible dreams, ones that felt real, like she was there reliving _that_ night over and over. Sweat plastered her bangs to her forehead. She thought she could smell smoke.

"I am SO writing a letter about not being allowed to bring our omnitools to school!" Leyne helped Rachel into the woods. They had a lopping rhythm, a rolling gait, and both were breathing heavily. "I could have taken photographs of the whole thing and gotten the police. My Dad would have kicked Don's ass. We'd have been picked up by now!"

Something huge fell from a nearby tree. Leyne screamed and ducked as huge wings unfurled and the thing swooped over them at the last moment. Rachel closed her eyes in pain as her bruised knees banged the ground again. The night was almost on them. Terror clawed at her. They were not safe. She thought she could hear the firecracker sound of gunfire, smell blood and urine.

"I did not make it through 9th and 10th grades to get taken down by wood monsters," Leyne muttered as they rose together and hobbled along again. She practically dragged Rachel along. "I don't know why there are woods anyway."

"It was only an owl," Rachel whispered, biting her bottom lip as her stomach churned. "It was only an owl." Sweat soaked her clothes. Her grip tightened on Leyne.

"You think I care what it was? Oh no, I don't care what it was. I am not going to get eaten by animals in this park. I don't care where they come from or who they think they are!" Leyne's face could hardly be seen. Night was falling. The trail in the woods was blurring, so too were the features of Leyne's face. "I'm bigger, I'm stronger…."

"We have to hurry!" Rachel pleaded, desperate to not be outside any longer.

"And I'm going as fast as I can! I don't need you bossing me around, Ms. Pantywhite. I don't know what's gotten in to you, but you can stuff it. I don't need you trying to scare me while I'm walking in the woods to the bad part of town! You're lucky I don't leave you on your own right now! If you think I have nothing better to do than run through fields and get chased by trucks and haul your busted ass home, you have another thing coming!" Leyne stopped to catch her breath, dragging Rachel to a halt.

"Ms. Pantywhite?" Rachel wheezed. "My busted ass?" She glanced over at Leyne and started to laugh, the terror a thin edge of hysteria away.

"Yes! I don't know what you think is so funny!" Leyne pushed Rachel down and bent over, wheezing. "Nothing about today has been funny. If you think…"

"…you care about what is out here or where it comes from, I have another thing coming?" Rachel offered, tears streaming down her face as she laughed helplessly. "If I think your candy ass is strong enough to get me to my house, I have another thing coming?"

"Hmmph," Leyne put her hands on her hips. Rachel could barely tell. "Your sorry ass is more like."

"What a pair we are," Rachel hooted. "We're scarier than anything else out here. I mean, did you see what had happened to your hair? Poof!" She mimed an explosion with her hands. "And I look like something from a zombie vid." It felt like a thousand needles were pricking her skin. It crawled. Not now. Please, please, not now, Rachel begged the terror silently.

Leyne was quiet for a long moment. "There's definitely something not right with you."

"You're scary when you're frightened," Rachel's giggles had deserted her as quickly as they'd come. She could feel it. She knew _they_ were here.

"Get up," Leyne ordered. "Before I show you what scary really is." She helped Rachel back up, and they hobbled through to the edge of the wood without talking further. They stepped out into the dusk.

The trail emerged between the backyards of two small Cape-style houses with enclosed back porches. Sweat rolled down Rachel's face, but she felt cold. "You shouldn't be near me." They were hunting them. They would be found.

"Tell me about it. You stink to high heaven." Leyne wearily pulled her forward. "I want a hot bath, a nice hot meal. I even want to do homework. Today has been too exciting for me. So where's your house?"

"It's one down, the red and white one. Aah!" Rachel recoiled, raising an arm to defend herself as the backyard lights flared on, shining into her eyes. "They see us!" Through milky curtains she could see an orange glow in the house they were passing. "They've already set the houses on fire! Hide! I'll draw them off." She tried to push Leyne away.

"Don't play games." Leyne frowned at her. "Seriously, it's not funny."

Leyne practically dragged her, resisting, to the road. A red and white house one lot down had no lights showing in its windows, but large, very bright lights illuminated its whole seedy, unkempt yard. Two hovercars rested in the sand driveway, one old, one new, and a path, paved with large gray slate slabs, led to a small front porch, about 4 feet wide. Three cements steps led to a heavy gunmetal gray door. Dingy, peeling, once white, square beam columns supported a small roof over the front steps. In the center of it, a black metal eagle tilted askew, one of its wings no longer affixed to the wood there. The red paint on the small two-story house had faded to a pink and clung to the wood in shreds and tatters in many places.

The streetlights flickered on. "Not the tower! We need to hide. You're right. I see that now. We can't help anybody. They'll get us too." Rachel pushed at her, pushed her away. "Julia … please." She struggled in Julia's arms. She needed to get her to understand, to get her safe, to save her this time. "Please."

Leyne looked at her, appalled, released her and backed a few steps away. "Rachel? What's happening?"

The door to the new hovercar opened and a very tired looking Dr. Goldberger stepped out, with a rucksack in hand.

"It's too late." Rachel grabbed at Julia's hand. "I can't let them kill you. We must go to the woods!"

Leyne pulled back, shaking Rachel's hand off. "Stop it!"

Rachel moved toward her, stepped on her hurt foot and fell. She curled up on the ground in the middle of the road. "No! No! Hide! They're coming! They see us!"

Dr. Goldberger's shoes crunched in the sand, then scraped on the road as she walked briskly over to the pair and knelt down by Rachel. She glanced up at the other girl. "I'm Dr. Goldberger, the school psychologist. You are?"

Rachel rocked on the ground. "No! Not again!" Her sleeves muffled her voice.

"Leyne Hill. What's wrong with her? Why are you here?"

"Rachel left her bag at school, and I thought I'd return it to her. Rachel, can you hear me?"

"Yes. I'm not deaf, just crazy." Rachel clutched the sweatshirt to her and curled up more tightly. "This isn't real. This isn't real. They're all dead. That's what's real. This is Earth. I'm on Earth."

"What is she talking about?" Leyne sounded scared.

"Nothing you need to worry about. My omni is in the car. Please use it to call your parents and ask them to pick you up. They are probably worried about you."

"I think she needs to go to the hospital. She got hit by a hover truck and run over, and she hurt her foot trying to get away from it. She wouldn't let me take her to my house."

"You've been a very good friend. I can take it from here."

Rachel heard Leyne's boots retreating down the road. She heard the crackling of fires and the popping of glass, the terrible screams. "It's not real. Nothing is real." She could feel blood sticking to her hands and rubbed them on her sleeves to rub it off.

"Rachel. I believe you are experiencing a flashback. It's natural to have them when you've survived something like you have. It's a natural part of healing. It's okay to feel what you're feeling. It's safe to feel it now." Dr. Goldberger sounded very calm, untroubled by Rachel's behavior.

"It's not safe! They're going to kill us! They're shooting everyone. They shot Isaac!" She curled up tighter, trembling, tears streaming down her face. "It's not safe! Nothing's safe. It's all my fault. Get away from me!"

"I'm going to stay with you. I'm going to stay to help you remember and to help you remember that you survived. What are you seeing?"

"There are fires and so much blood. I didn't know people had so much blood. It's everywhere. Sometimes it's cold, sometimes it's hot, and it sticks to everything, and even when they're not moving anymore their eyes are open and they're watching me. When he blew a hole in Isaac it all ran out everywhere. I couldn't reach him. It's my fault!"

"How is it your fault?"

"It was my plan, but they figured it out, and one was going to shoot me, but he yelled at him, and he shot him, and then another shot me, and they took Julia and Mikey!" She clutched at her head and rocked. "No, I want it to stop! I don't want to remember any more. It's not real anymore! I can't change any of it!" She shook her head, pulling at her hair. "I saw what they did to them! Please make it stop!"

"Rachel, how old are you now?" Dr. Goldberger's voice was firm.

The question brought Rachel up short. She stopped rocking. "… seventeen."

"How old were you then?"

Rachel opened her eyes in the stifling smelly comfort of her hoodie. "Sixteen."

"Put your hands on the ground."

Hesitantly, Rachel obeyed, watching her hands, so familiar, side-by-side on the road.

"What do you feel?"

"Road, asphalt, bumps, sand." Overhead the streetlight flickered, and she flinched.

"Where are you?"

"Earth, the Southies." Her voice deepened with every answer that took her farther from the memories.

"How far away is the colony you're remembering?"

Rachel remembered the months-long trip on the freighter out, packed in with all the other families, Isaac whining with impatience, Mikey finding playmates among the other kids. She'd noticed Julia even then. She shook her head to push away the memories. They were too painful. "A week by first class." The Alliance ship had dropped the survivors who wanted to leave off at Elysium, and the colony's founding firm had arranged first-class transport to Earth for those desiring it. Those who had mostly kept to their quarters that week, not talking.

"I want you to look at me."

Slowly, Rachel uncurled the rest of the way, sat up and met Dr. Goldberger's eyes. They looked tired. She still wore the well-fitted tan suit she had worn at school that day.

"Thank you. I saw on your schedule that you take Chorus. I want you to do some breathing exercises."

"Right now? You gonna to ask me to sing next?" Rachel regretted the smart comment the moment she said it. She didn't mean to be rude, ruder, that is, than she'd already been to Dr. Goldberger.

"Your sense of humor is returning. That's good." Dr. Goldberger smiled. "Put a hand on your belly. Breathe in slowly to fill only that part, then breathe out slowly, emptying that space, and wait a second, then breathe back in and repeat."

After a few minutes, Rachel looked down. "I'm sorry about what I said to you, you know, before."

Dr. Goldberger stood and offered Rachel her hand. "I think I understand. We had just met, and I said many things about very personal matters without really knowing you yet. I apologize for that."

Rachel took her hand and let her help her up. "You're apologizing to me?!" An adult had never done that to her before. She felt … powerful.

"Yes. I was very concerned when you ran out." Dr. Goldberger looked her over. "It seems my concern was justified."

Leyne walked up to them. "You okay, Rachel? You had me freaking out."

Rachel looked down at her sneakers. "I'm sorry about that. I know I acted weird. I'm … afraid of the dark … literally." She glanced sideways at Dr. Goldberger. "Am I in trouble?"

"Just when I thought you weren't afraid of anything." Leyne shrugged. "Still, you said some very strange things."

"I'd like to speak to your guardian. I tried knocking, but no one answered. It doesn't look like anyone's home." Dr. Goldberger leaned down, picked up Rachel's bag and handed it to her. "This is yours."

"Thank you." Rachel rooted around in it for her keys. "He'd never answer at night, but he's always in. You should come by on the weekend to talk to him."

Dr. Goldberger and Leyne just looked at her.

Rachel sighed. "Fine, but this isn't really going to help." Grimacing, and helped again by Leyne, she hobbled across the yard and up the stairs, glancing around nervously at the shadows. Dr. Goldberger walked to the driveway and then up the path to join them. "I warned you," Rachel reminded them as the key turned in the lock and a loud bolt slid and clicked back. Rachel opened the door.

The three entered a room that stretched from the door to the right side of the house. The room was lit by a few low watt bulbs in floor lamps with water-stained shades. Heavy metal shutters had been installed and rolled down over the inside of all the windows, allowing no light to escape. The room had a central brick fireplace and cheap fake wood paneling with black printed seams, except right around the brick, where a rougher actual wood had been used and stained a dark brown. A handmade bin, painted white, with top and bottom compartments made of dowels in a slightly sturdier wooden frame, stood to the left in the corner by the door, stacked half-full with firewood. A handmade wooden table was pushed up against the wall on the other side of the bins. Across the room stood a couple of tattered old armchairs, one orange and high-backed with wooden legs, the other shorter, stouter and covered with a peach and blue floral print. An old sofa stood away from the front wall, opposite the fireplace, its back to the window.

On its worn, shiny, green and black striped cushions lay a man, snoring. Yellow sweat stains marked his undershirt and gray stubble shadowed his cheeks. His mouth was partially open, as was the fly of his black work pants. Big yellowish-brown, partially laced construction boots covered his feet. One hand rested on his belly by his fly, the other draped off the couch, the fingertips touching one of the brown bottles that had rolled there. More bottles, some standing up, some knocked over, littered the coffee table. Beer cans, stacks of paper ads and dirty plates covered the table and lined portions of the room, more than a foot deep. But the room's stench came from something else entirely.

Beside the fireplace, to the right of the door, on the other side of the table and by the peach armchair were large metal crates, six in all, lined with soiled papers. Large dogs jumped, pressed against the bars, and rocked the crates as they barked at them, filling the room with a resounding cacophony, teeth snapping, spittle flying from their mouths. The dogs had thick, heavy heads, big teeth and short fur. Most were shades of brown with white markings. One was white. That one wasn't barking at all. He was growling, ears back and head down as he advanced toward the trio. A light brown one jumped up on the couch and put his forelegs on its back. It curled its lip and growled at them too.

"Good God!" Dr. Goldberger exclaimed, backing up slowly. Leyne pressed back against the door.

"Stay behind me," Rachel said, slowly moving toward the white dog. "Whatever you do, don't run."


	13. Plump Grapes

**Plump Grapes**

from Mary Karr's _Disgraceland_

_There, the arbor leafs.  
The vines push out plump grapes.  
You are loved, someone said. Take that_

_and eat it._

* * *

Pre-Janiris celebrations had always been Liara's favorite. Unlike many of the events her mother hosted throughout the year, these were relaxed, low-key and intimate. Every year her mother would invite the same small group of friends to stay at the T'Soni estate outside of Armali for a month—the week preceding Janiris, the two weeks of Janiris, and the week after. Although they would stay for the whole month, the week preceding the official celebrations, especially the evening two nights before Janiris, was the best. That night they would always have a relaxed dinner outside on the lower terrace between the orchard and the beach. Torches would light the terrace and flower-shaped lanterns would hang from trees and posts around the garden and dangle from specially strung up lines. Everyone would talk and laugh, ask her questions, listen, discuss and be so interesting. They'd bring their instruments to sing stories or play tunes for dancing they'd been practicing all year. Liara loved to watch the dances. Dancing made her uncomfortable, but it could be so beautiful, and those who asked her would be very kind in teaching her. Her mother always seemed happiest that night too. Everything seemed magical.

Yes, the week before was the best. The week after the celebrations, everyone would swim and sleep on the beach, or laze in the hot springs sipping elasa, trying to recover. No one would be capable of a decent conversation. The weeks of the celebration proper would bustle with comings and goings to various events in the surrounding towns and at the city center. It felt like a marathon of performances for her mother and herself, full of glaring bright lights, people being grabby, scary traffic and loud music. Worst of all was the huge service and feast of Janiris itself that her mother presided over with Sha'ira. There'd be no getting near Benezia. Liara'd go to the service and the beginning of the feast, and then be escorted home, as were all her age. Her mother and Sha'ira wouldn't be seen for a couple of days.

One year Liara saw them carried in from the cars two mornings later. Another year she had watched disapprovingly as they stumbled in the next afternoon, drunk and giggling, their acolytes hardly in better shape. Matriarchs weren't supposed to behave with so little decorum! Later that day, she'd found Sha'ira snoring on a downstairs sofa, surrounded by three of her acolytes, all of them naked and completely out. They'd managed to take all their clothes off but not make it upstairs to their suite. She'd covered them with blankets before returning to the library, to be a good hostess. The douli would find them, eventually. As for her, she had work to do. Even though schools of all levels closed for the month in honor of the high holy days, it was a good time to get research done. All the Thessian sources would be checked back in, with few exceptions.

Today, however, on her favorite day of the whole month, Liara was not at her studies. Instead, she flitted about downstairs, catching up with various individuals as they grazed from the buffets set up in the kitchen and dining rooms. She sat on the counter to chat with Lysippe for a while and then offered to help Narissa with her daughter Mytilene. The little one kept knocking down framed art and tipping over sculptures with her biotic hiccups. Apparently she had trouble digesting eezo. The nyanya assigned her looked exhausted. So Liara had taken Myti from her, placated the little one with a sweet, and now carried her around on her hip.

She noticed Shiala standing nearby with a tray of drinks and smiled at her before stopping beside her to fondly watch the animated gathering. These friends were like family. Her mother had known them for a long time, and she had known them all her life. She knew their bondmates or aphrodisia and their daughters. The only variety came from any changes in their current partners. She smiled. This year, for the first time, she'd bring one of her own. They couldn't relegate her to the tikoni's tables anymore.

A sudden lull drew her attention came over those gathered and the guests looked behind her. Liara felt a light brush on her arm, and knew her mother had arrived.

"I'll take that." Her mother slid her hand under the tray Shiala held.

"No!" Shiala whispered, gripping tighter, and frowning.

The matriarch raised a single brow marking, and Shiala relinquished the tray with a small bow of her head. Conversation hushed, and everyone stared. The other matriarchs pushed their way forward.

"Today, my douli are also my guests." Liara watched in amazement as her mother lifted the tray above her shoulder. Her mother offered the contents of the tray to Shiala, who hesitated, then took a glass without meeting the matriarch's gaze. Then Benezia took a glass off the tray and lifted it up toward all the guests, including Shiala in her gesture. "Kali Janiris!"

With a loud hiccup, little Myti flared, and Liara watched in horror, expecting the contents of the tray to splatter all over her mother, but her mother encased the flare in a bubble with practiced ease, and around the room others lifted their glasses and returned the toast.

"Zia," Pantariste chided, as the answering toasts died down, "come now, what are you thinking? There is an order to things. When you upset order, you bring chaos, for no reason except your whim." Liara noticed Pantariste's glass was still full. She hadn't toasted then.

Narissa smiled as she took the tray from a nearby doulous. "Change doesn't have to be chaos. If you're ready for it, it can be welcome growth."

Her mother gracefully walked to the next doulous, one of Hipp's, and offered the contents of the tray to her. Across the room, Narissa did likewise with other douli, her smile growing.

Cleite quietly relieved another of her tray and joined in. Liara felt proud.

"It's a holiday," her mother urged Eidothea with a gentle smile. "Enjoy yourself." Eidothea smiled back and moved over to the tables.

"Potnia," Hipp intoned sternly after clearing her throat to get attention, "know your place." She crossed her arms over her chest and stuck out her jaw. The room grew quieter, although some ignored her remonstrations.

Benezia laughed lightly, not stopping what she was doing. "Adelfa, this is my place. You are free to do as you will."

Kandake rose from where she'd been lounging, sleek and trim in her tight-fitting black leather pants and boots and cropped jacket, the lifelong discipline of the huntress visible in her every move. "I love your parties, Benny." Nonchalantly, Kandake scooped some nibbles off tray nearest her, stuffing her mouth before commandeering the tray and offering it with a flourish to Hipp. "Don't be such a …." Kandake's partner, Erelia, smoothly inserted more nibbles in Kandake's mouth before she could finish the sentence.

"Play nice with the others, K," Erelia said quietly, but Liara could still hear it.

"Think of the tikoni," Iolanta added, but whether to Kandake or Benezia was unclear. Iolanta's four daughters didn't seem perturbed. Liara didn't get to hear what her mother said in response because Iolanta's youngest, Thetis, turned to Liara in indignation.

"Tell me my M'ana did not just call us tikoni!" Thetis stuck out a hip. "I brought an aphrodisia!"

"I'm sure she meant the little ones, like Myti," Liara responded soothingly, patting Myti on the back and bouncing her on her hip. She glanced over at Thetis, then at Thetis' aphrodisia, whom she hadn't met yet. The aphrodisia's facial skin was smooth, almost creamy, and completely unmarked. She was stunning. Liara touched one of her own brow markings and found herself wishing she didn't have them or all the annoying freckles under her eyes, and that her cheeks weren't so fat. Thetis' aphrodisia had this graceful way of bowing her head to hide a laugh and the line of her neck was so … set off by her thin black shirt with its low vee cut. Where it plunged her skin looked even creamier. Why couldn't her own chest look like that?

Thetis coughed. "'Ra."

Liara blinked several times, looking back at Thetis, who was a little shorter, but more developed than she was, and was looking displeased. "Uh."

"We haven't met." Liara could have sworn Thetis' aphrodisia floated forward. "I'm Nephali Agria Orchidea."

"Ah." Liara looked down at her hands, uncertain what greeting was proper, and hampered from offering any by having Myti in her arms. "Welcome." She felt so lame. "I'm Liara T'Soni." Nephali's dark, full lips were slightly parted, and Liara became very conscious of her own lips moving before she could conjure up something to say. "You, um, have three names? I've not heard that before." Goddess, she needed to look at something other than Nephali's lips! With an effort, she drew her gaze away.

Nephali's green eyes sparkled with an inner fire. "Your name holds three names too. My family didn't hyphenate." Liara was convinced that even Nephali's shrugs were the most graceful thing she'd ever seen, and the way she breathed.

Liara felt herself flushing and bit down on her bottom lip.

"M'ana," Thetis said loudly, "said YOU had your OWN aphrodisia. When do I get to meet her? Where is SHE?"

"Hi." Thala raised one hand in greeting. Her other, full of flowers, she held out stiffly to Liara. "Um, these are for you. I'm sorry I'm late." Thala edged around the Myti side of Liara to join the group.

"Oh, uh, my eyes see with, um," Liara leaned over and quickly kissed Thala on the cheek. "And this is, uh, Ksadelfi Thetis and her, uh, Nephali."

A big hiccup from Myti sent flower petals cascading over the four of them. Liara noticed one stuck to Nephali's bottom lip. Liara licked her own bottom lip, as if that would get the petal off.

Thala looked forlornly at the denuded stems still clutched in her hand. She lowered her hand. "Um, nice to meet you?" Her smile wavered a little as she blew a petal off her eyelid.

Liara barely noticed, not even when the others suddenly stood a little straighter. The petal clinging to Nephali's lip mesmerized her.

Her mother's whisper was warm in her ear. "Agapi, let me take the tiknon. Why don't you lead the way out to the terrace. I know some people want to meet Thala, so head for the top, and we'll join you there."

A moment's panic filled Liara. She'd never been asked to lead the way before. "Wait, M'ana, do I have to make an announcement or speech or something?" Her eyes widened as she whispered back.

"No, just open the doors and walk out there with Thala on your arm. The rest will follow." Her mother spoke very calmly, like this was nothing new, and gently took Myti from her. She paused for a moment and said at normal volume, "Mathitis Thetis, Mathitis Thalassa, Mathitis Nephalia, thank you for gracing our Janiris celebrations with your presence." And then she was gone.

Liara's arms felt suddenly very empty and big without something to hold. She offered her arm to Thala, who took it.

"What did the Mitera say to you?" Thala whispered to her as they headed for the big glass double doors to the garden.

"That her friends want to meet you." Liara opened one of the doors and nodded to Thala to open the other.

"Oh Goddess, she told them, told them what I said! They're going to eat me alive!" Thala groaned. "This is so embarrassing. Everyone here is famous except for me. It's like walking into a vid about Thessia's elite. Did you see their clothes?! I'm not dressed right for this. I shouldn't have come. What if they don't like me? They'll not let me see you anymore, and then ruin my chances at any career for like the next 800 years because we've been dating and they don't approve."

Liara squeezed Thala's arm as they stepped out onto the pathway. "Don't worry. How could anyone not like you? You're sweet and funny and wonderful." For the first time, her attention focused on Thala and her discomfort. "I like you a lot. They will too." She pulled Thala closer. It hadn't occurred to her that her aphrodisia might not be as comfortable around this sometimes rowdy group as she was. It gave her new eyes for viewing the gathering. "Once you get to know them, you won't even remember that they are famous. Not all of them are, anyway. They are just like other asari."

"… except really rich and powerful." Thala lightly touched her throat. "I think I'm losing my voice."

They had reached the terrace. Liara looked back. Her mother had been right. Even without saying anything, people were moving outside behind them. She led Thala over to the raised area at the far end, where her mother and the Hepta usually sat, chose a chaise, and pulled Thala down beside her.

"You sure we should sit together?" Thala protested. "Maybe I should sit beside you." She made a feeble move to get up and claim an adjacent chaise.

"Thala," Liara admonished gently, "you're my aphrodisia." As she reclined she tried to get Thala to lie down beside her.

"They're coming!" Thala squeaked. "Is it too late for me to go to the bathroom?"

"At least let M'ana introduce you to them first." Liara stroked Thala's back in an effort to relax her, but it just made her stiffen. Liara gave up on that approach and held Thala's hand. That was all Thala would allow at the moment. Knowing that Thala was noticing her mother's friend's clothes, Liara now noticed that too.

Orithia, elegant in a sleeveless bifurcated crimson sheathe dress with darker headdress and arm warmers, sat down beside them first. "So, tell me Liara, the morning after you two became aphrodisia, did you wake up together, or apart?" A smile curved her lips as she leaned back, regarding the two maidens beside her intently.

Thala's eyes grew very wide.

"Apart," Liara admitted, blushing a little at the scrutiny and directness of the question, even though she knew Orithia was like that.

Lysippe placed a tray of drinks on the table and then slid her hand down Orithia's arm as she passed her to go to the other side of the young pair. "Really, Ori? What does that matter?" Her sheathe dress was a pale green, setting off her light purple skin and making it appear as if she was a Janiris bloom. Cleft down to just above her silks, the dress covered her chest and legs. It left her back bare, and she wore nothing on her arms and head. A narrow vani wrapped around her neck kept her decent. Liara thought the combination was pretty, but relying on a vani like that scandalized her a little.

"It matters," Ori retorted teasingly. "My first aphrodisia and I woke up the next _seven_ mornings together, so entranced were we by each other's delights. It gets the relationship off to a good start."

"That's not the only time you mistook enthusiasm for skill, I bet." Hipp, sleek in matching dark brown and black tunic and leggings with pale blue accents, picked up a glass on the way to another seat. She grinned at Ori before turning to the pair. "But if I know anything about Liara, I bet she values … talent. So," Hipp fixed Thala with a piercing stare. "That just leaves the question, what is yours?" She grinned. "Or what are _they_? You probably have many."

Thala stared, agape. Lysippe shook her head and reached for a drink.

"They're teasing us," Liara whispered to Thala. "It's okay. They're not being serious."

Ori's eyes narrowed. "I seem to remember a certain Hierea developing a terrible rash that lasted a month after a hasty drell encounter. _You_ could probably coach me in _enthusiasm_."

"Shall I," Hipp blew a kiss over to Ori, "you luscious purple porne?"

Turning to Liara in shock, Thala covered her mouth at hearing one of the Hepta speak that way to another. Liara smiled and tried to get her to lean back, again unsuccessfully.

Placing two trays of food on the tables, Narissa approached Thala with a kind smile. Her almost sheer and shimmering golden dress had metallic highlights and covered her from neck to toe. Only her arms were exposed, and the skin above her breasts by a scoop neck. "Greetings Mathithis Thalassa Rand. I'm Hepta Narissa Pittacus." As Thala extended her hands, her fingertips together and up, they shook a little. Narissa squeezed them gently and held them for a moment as she continued. "I'm glad to meet you officially at last. Liara's been so happy since you became part of her life; you honor us with your presence. Can you tell us how you two met?"

Benezia placed another tray of drinks nearby and smiled over at Liara and Thala. Sleeves that changed color from green to cream according to body heat covered her from the base of her fingers to a little above her elbows, leaving her upper arms and shoulders bare. Connected flexible silver necklaces of different widths stacked to covered from her clavicle to below her jaw line, and her dress draped in a low vee in front and back. A slightly opaque golden fabric hung from her hips over the form-fitting sheathe of the skirt, to keep the color-changing nature of the dress from being too revealing there.

Staring mutely from Narissa to Benezia and back, Thala shook her head, pointed at her throat and mimed losing her voice.

Liara saw her mother bite her lip. Her eyes sparkled as they met Liara's when she turned back. Liara also bit her lip in an effort not to smile. "We met at school," Liara told Narissa after a minute of silence as the others already there busily picked up drinks and food.

"You sure you haven't already had enough of that?" Lysippe teased Hipp as Hipp reached for a glass.

"At least I'd know what enough is!" Hipp teased back. "And it's not the same for everyone." Lysippe pushed her and settled back in her own chaise.

"Mathitis Thalassa, I'm glad you could join us." Benezia stretched out on the chaise across from the pair, drink in hand. "Hepta Orithia B'ias, Cleite Periander, Lysippe Cleobus, Hipp Miletus, Narissa Pittacus and ..." Benezia indicated each for Thala's benefit and paused as Sha'ira sat and stretched out behind her. Liara frowned a little as Sha'ira smoothed the wrinkles in her mother's dress over her hips with a caress. "Hetera Sha'ira." Benezia looked around. "This is Mathitis Thalassa Rand, Liara's aphrodisia, whom some of you have met or heard about previously. She has shared with me that she has been studying Second Temple customs and recently wrote on why some of those practices encouraged the emergence of the siarist philosophies. Her hypothesis intrigues me."

Liara smiled gratefully at her mother.

"You mean the siarist heresies..." Hipp muttered loudly.

"Every new religious idea is called a heresy when it first emerges, but the siarist views have stood the test of time and clearly have appealed to many as providing a more adequate description of life's meaning." Narissa sat down on the chaise to the right of Benezia.

"Syncretism doesn't work for everyone. You know as well as I that the worship of Athame was in danger or dying off because of siarism." Lysippe dipped her flatbread crisp in the nearest bowl of khaviari. "If you ask me," Lysippe took a bite and looked at the bowl as she spoke, "people favored the view of the Goddess in everyone and everything, preferring a nebulous spirituality over allegiance to any particular religion as a way of shirking responsibility. If they don't worship Athame, they don't have to pay tithes or follow the customs of the community of belief, or have any discipline or accountability in how they worship, or gratitude to anything beyond themselves."

Thala leaned forward as if ready to say something. Liara saw her mother waiting expectantly. She also saw Orithia roll her eyes. The whole group paused, and Liara really thought Thala would speak, but after a few minutes, Thala slumped in the chair again, looking at the floor. Liara's brow wrinkled in consternation.

"While Athame's worship represented the established religion, it became complicit in the unpopular and indeed unfair political maneuvering of the elite that held most of the power in Athame's name." Benezia's comment drew everyone's attention. "If we want Athame's worship to survive, we need to consider what voices like Thala's tell us about how our practices have been or are received, and to be open to change in response. We hold our power in trust for them, and when it ceases to speak to and serve them, it deserves to die out."

Hipp set down her glass loudly on the table and leaned forward. "I can't believe you just said that."

Ori mimicked her. "Which part, you big drama Anassa?"

"I think it's good to remember," Cleite spoke quietly, but the others hushed instantly, "that the worship of Athame has not enjoyed such popularity in centuries, and that the resurgence of interest began with Benezia's apotheosis to Potnia." Cleite raised her glass to Benezia. "To the Potnia, our Oikodéspoina, and to the dream of a unified Thessia."

A chorus of "Yassas" went round the group as they raised their glasses to Benezia and drank.

Benezia bowed her head in acknowledgment, then looked at the empty chaise by Ori and turned to scan the terrace. "We seem to be missing Hepta Pantariste Chilon."

"There's a first time for everything," Pantariste quipped as she led her bondmate Flis up the steps to the raised part and over to the remaining chaise, her black leather outfit creaking as she reclined, her plump partner sliding in front of her with a whisper of silk. "If _you're_ missing me. Yassas Adelfi, _Potnia_." She placed a stress on Benezia's title before she bit the flat bread in her hand and chewed a moment before swallowing and continuing. "Don't tell me you've finished grilling the new aphrodisia already. I've been looking forward to this."

Liara squeezed Thala's hand reassuringly. "I was just about to explain how we met."

"Do you see a future together?" Cleite asked softly before nibbling on a bit of fish on some crisped flat bread. She matched Hipp for being conservatively dressed in leggings and top, only hers were silver, gray and black, and she had thin silver chains woven through her crests with tiny stars hanging from them.

"Are you expecting a maiden to think like a matron?" Narissa responded softly, offering Thala a glass of sweet water. Liara was very grateful for the deflection, and smiled at her. "We must seem very intimidating to someone new."

Thala gulped all the sweet water down, then turned to Liara and whispered. "Can I go to the bathroom now?"

"Oh no, no secrets tonight!" Ori grinned at the pair. "No more whispering."

"Romance needs its secrets," Lysippe countered, sipping her drink.

Hipp seized the opportunity. "Yes, but Ori wouldn't know anything about that, having never kept one in her life!"

Lysippe played along. "Secrets or romances?"

"Either!" Hipp replied and everyone laughed, even Orithia. Liara liked Hipp. She could turn and tell one of the others that she smelled. Liara had seen her do just that. And yet the one she insulted would laugh, because as her mother had explained to her, the one she insulted knew that what Hipp was really saying was that she loved her. Once her M'ana had pointed it out, Liara could hear it too.

Down at the lower tables a loud screech erupted from the children's tables. Liara turned to see Myti had bitten one of Thais's youngest's crests. The resulting loud wail filled the air like a siren. Thala squeezed her hand to regain her attention.

"Yes, of course," Liara whispered back. Thala stood up quickly. "Wait, I'll go with you," Liara said at normal volume, bringing her legs around to the floor.

Narissa sighed and rose. "I better see to Myti. She's clearly hungry."

Thala stared at Narissa and sat back down to get out of her way. Unfortunately, Liara's legs were now where she'd been sitting, and she ended up on Liara's lap, blushing bright purple.

Narissa bent and touched her arm. "Weren't you heading this way? We can escape together." She smiled.

Thala nodded, and stood again. Narissa took her arm and with a smile back at Liara led her off.

Liara stood and watched them go, uncertain of what to do.

"Agapi, stay, tell us about what you're learning in school." Benezia beckoned Liara to sit back down.

"May I go check on her?" Liara felt guilty about not having managed to make Thala feel more comfortable. Maybe they should have talked more about what the party would be like, or she should have complimented her on her outfit and the flowers. She had assumed Thala would feel welcomed and accepted by receiving the attention of her mother's friends, like she herself did, but Thala had always been nervous around her mother's guests, no matter what the size of the group. Why hadn't she thought about that?

"As you wish, Agapi." Benezia nodded.

Liara edged around Orithia's chaise. "I'll be back."

"She seems very sweet, Liara." Lysippe said and nodded at Liara as she passed.

Liara smiled at her before making her way down the steps. She walked slowly because she wanted to hear what they'd say about Thala.

"A little limp." Hipp sounded like her mouth was full. "I would have thought Little Wing would have gone for a more lusty maiden, someone bold and loud to balance her out."

"Thala is very smart." Liara recognized her mother's voice.

"Clearly you checked in to her." Liara thought that was Cleite.

"Well, I would have thought Liara would be bouncing springs with lots of them by now, not just one, between the appeal of her connections and given her father's reputation. Ow!" Pantariste's voice went up with the exclamation.

Liara swiveled to see Flis helping to wipe Pantariste's drink off Pantariste's leg, with an apology for knocking it over on her, Benezia's eyes glowing, and Sha'ira just a few steps behind her.

"Let's dance." Sha'ira unhurriedly took Liara's arm and led her to where Thais and Kandake were playing the daouli and xpa and some of the douli and younger asari were dancing.

"What was that about?" Liara looked back over her shoulder. "What did Panta mean about my father?" She tried to gauge Sha'ira's expression, to see if she had taken the comment personally. It upset her to think that people might insult Sha'ira because of her job. She thought heterai were honored, even revered.

"That was about old grievances, best forgotten." Sha'ira turned Liara away from the raised part of the terrace and put Liara's hand on her shoulder, and hers on Liara's waist as a new song started. "Do you know this one?"

"I've heard it before, but I've not done it." Liara watched Sha'ira's feet closely to learn the steps.

"Watch my face or over one of my shoulders." Sha'ira led her in a tight three-sided configuration. "Eyes up, Liara."

Liara looked and promptly stepped on Sha'ira's right foot. "Oh, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it." Sha'ira backed to the left, and Liara kept her distance to keep from stepping on her feet again. "When you dance with your aphrodisia, you can watch her hips or her breasts if you want to show her you desire her, but otherwise, especially with someone of a different stage than you, keep your eyes up. No matter what your partner's age, remember to keep the same distance between your bodies at all times as that established at the start of the dance."

Sha'ira's hand on her back tightened as she made her point, and with a hasty shuffle, Liara tried to return to the right distance, but she overcorrected and bumped into her. "Oh, I'm so sorry." Liara blushed at her clumsiness, afraid to imagine what Sha'ira must think of her. "I'm not very good."

"Relax," Sha'ira spun her, "there's plenty of time to learn."

"Can I ask your advice about something, Filia 'Ira?" Liara winced as she stepped on Sha'ira's left foot. "Could we sit and talk?"

"There's no one wiser than your M'ana." Sha'ira spun her again. "You should ask her."

Liara gripped Sha'ira's shoulder tightly to try to catch her balance when she was facing her again. The spinning dizzied her. "Yes, but this is about your specialty." Over Sha'ira's shoulder, Liara noticed Nephali watching her and backed up into a chair, knocking it askew. Nephali ducked her head, but Liara saw her smile and blushed furiously. Nephali had probably never been clumsy in her life. Liara felt like a fumbling blob in comparison.

Sha'ira pulled her gently to the nearest chairs. "You've piqued my curiosity. I am happy to provide whatever guidance is appropriate."

Liara sighed as she sat down and leaned forward so that she could whisper. "Can you keep this between us?"

"Of course." Sha'ira relaxed back on her chaise.

"I don't understand why everyone is so obsessed about sex." Liara's expression showed her earnestness. "I feel like there's all this pressure on me to perform, to do it, like everyone's waiting for me to. Everyone else my age seems to be having sex already or to be almost entirely obsessed with it. Is there something wrong with me that I don't want to rush into it? I feel like people look at me like I'm a freak because I'm not..., because I haven't..." Liara's voice trailed off and she blushed under Sha'ira's steady regard. What if now Sha'ira thought she was a freak too?

When Liara looked back up, she saw Sha'ira looking down at the terrace stones. Liara squirmed, glancing back over her shoulder at Nephali, who was now dancing with Thetis. Sha'ira probably wished she was more like Nephali.

After a few minutes, Sha'ira looked up and spoke. "People always say they are having sex more than they are, for appearance's sake. It isn't all there is, and it isn't all people want. Sometimes people learn that the hard way, or not until they are a matron, or sometimes even a matriarch." Sha'ira leaned over and lightly touched Liara's cheek. "If your instincts tell you to wait, trust them. Sex is wonderful within certain kinds of relationships, and with the right partner, but it is powerful and can cause great pain and even destroy lives when pursued carelessly, or with the wrong one. Who the person is matters most because in some way, you will be linked to any and every one you touch and allow to touch you in that way. This is true if you join especially, but even if you don't."

"Why does everyone make it sound like sex and joining are all that matters, like it is what defines being a maiden? Why can't studies do that?" Liara's brow wrinkled in frustration. "I don't understand why Thala wants to do it so much! Why isn't she satisfied with all we already have and do?"

"Hormones and pheromones can be very strong when they first kick in, driving maidens out to experience the world, not just read about it. That may happen to you one day." Sha'ira smiled at her.

"I experience it with my studies and vids," Liara insisted.

"Sex isn't like studying something, it's a whole different kind of knowing, for some. It sounds like that is what Thala wants, to know you and be known by you that way."

Liara frowned in concentration, trying to understand what Sha'ira meant, and remembering how she'd felt like she'd woken up to a whole other level of life after Thala first kissed her, and then desperately wanting to take the focus off herself. "Is it like that for you and those you share pleasure with?"

Sha'ira tilted her head and paused for a moment before answering. "Yes."

"But not for everyone?"

"Not even for all heterai. It's something that has to be learned, and even then, there's the danger of possessive love, of wanting to know turning into wanting to own and control."

Liara felt close to Sha'ira as she listened to her. She really wanted to ask 'Ira next about her relationship with M'ana, some way that 'Ira wouldn't deflect. She wanted confirmation of her suspicions. She and M'ana were clearly close. It would make sense that they could love each other and have not have been allowed to bond because of their vows to Athame. 'Ira had always been around, there almost every Janiris. Why wouldn't 'Ira just admit to being her T'ata? If 'Ira would admit it, Liara could really get to know her, because she could have claims on her time as her daughter. Was her refusal to claim Liara as her own what made her mother cry, or was it missing 'Ira since she was away so much of the year and in the arms of others?

"… and later, in the matron stage, there can be a second and incredibly strong urge to mate and start a family. I know your M'ana must have told you about this already." Sha'ira sighed as if recognizing that Liara hadn't been giving her words her complete attention.

Maybe it was because Liara wasn't behaving in a way 'Ira was proud of, with sophistication and sexual confidence, like 'Ira would herself. Maybe 'Ira could teach her that. "I can't talk with her about this." Liara shook her head and looked away, thinking. She noticed that a large dance circle was forming as Thais struck up a popular folk tune. Thetis' hand was sliding down Nephali's backside. Her eyes lingered there.

"Why not, Liara?" Sha'ira leaned forward, touched her shoulder, and Liara turned back.

It didn't surprise her that Thetis would act in that way but to do it in public seemed tasteless. Even if …. "I just can't. She wouldn't understand."

"She would understand better than anyone. It would be good if you talked with her about it soon." Sha'ira rose. "I think your own pheromones and hormones are more like other maiden's than you know, Liara, and they could get you into trouble."

Liara looked up at her innocently.

Sha'ira didn't smile. "Thetis's aphrodisia is very beautiful, and older than you by several decades. Look to your aphrodisia. Not only is she your special guest, but I believe Thala has a good ethos. She impressed me the other night." She touched Liara's hand briefly. "Be careful, Liara, you're not a tiknon anymore, but you still are very young, and have yet to learn that some beauty is only skin deep. Do not confuse beauty with goodness. Those qualities do not always travel together. The former can impede the development of the latter."

With a frown, Liara remained in deep thought as Sha'ira left, her eyes lingering on Nephali with a certain wistfulness. She respected Sha'ira, but what could Sha'ira really know about Nephali, after all?

* * *

_*I dedicate this chapter to Owel, Lionness, Arcturus, hawkefan and surfergirl3537, who each informed me, in her own way, that I must "write faster." So you all, this one's for you._


	14. Swallow

**Swallow**

from Larissa Szporluk's _Occupant of the House_

_Someday the phoebe bird will sing.  
The sword grass will rise like corn.  
I will be free and not know from what_

_...  
If it doesn't end soon, the pain will dilute,_

___...  
_I swallow  
_The wires, the hours, the shock._  
_You knew what the sky would mean to me_.

* * *

"Eléison." Lady Benezia's voice seemed loud in the suddenly hushed room. Her eyes opened, and she struggled to sit.

"No," Shiala protested. "You don't know what you're saying." She looked back over her shoulder. "She doesn't know what she's saying."

Hesitantly, Eidothea left the small circle of the others and went over to kneel by Lady Benezia's luggage. After a moment, she pulled out a small silver box from its place of concealment. She took a few steps to the bottom of the stairs, the box resting on her open palms.

"No, don't bring that up here." Shiala started to shimmer. "I won't let you." Lady Benezia's hand touched her shoulder, and she stopped, her eyes meeting Lady Benezia's. "Don't give up hope."

"Shiala, she has called for it." Eidothea climbed one of the steps, then another. "She is the Potnia. We swore to obey her."

"She's tired." Shiala bowed her head, unable to bear the pain in Lady Benezia's gaze. "She's not herself."

"You are her doulous." Eidothea climbed another step. "It is not your place to second guess her." She climbed the fourth.

"Eide," Photine called softly. "This could be the torture talking. She has been under extreme duress. You saw the wounds."

"Don't do it," Chara whispered. "The Goddess and all Thessia would never forgive us."

Eidothea climbed the last step and knelt beside Lady Benezia, opening the case. Inside, a vial of black liquid could be seen on the left and a small knife on the right. The knife had a golden hilt in the shape of an asari's body and a thick, curved, fang-shaped black blade. She held them out to Lady Benezia. "Potnia, I hear you, but I can do no more than this. My heart forbids it."

Lady Benezia reached out, took the blade and brought it to her breast.

Glykeria fell to her knees, swaying and keening loudly.

Shiala grabbed Lady Benezia's hand. "No! The Goddess forbids it! Mercy can only be received from another. Someone else has to agree to do it. I speak the truth!"

Lady Benezia pressed the hilt into Shiala's palm. Her fingers trembled, and her eyes burned brightly. "Eléison." Her hand gripped Shiala's, guiding it. Shiala struggled to pull the blade away. "Please …" Lady Benezia's voice was little more than a thin reed of sound. "Shiala."

The others pressed together, some with hands over their mouths. Eidothea grabbed the edge of the bed, tears streaming down her face. Shiala saw nothing besides the terrible pain in Lady Benezia's eyes, her own matching it. "Don't ask this," she whispered. "Don't." The blade wavered between them like a flame, glinting in the light. "You mean so much to me." The tromp of many running feet could be heard approaching in the hallway.

Her strength deserting her, Lady Benezia lost her grip on Shiala's hand. The blade, suddenly released, arched up between them as Shiala flew backward, off the bed, down the steps and onto the floor, somersaulting backwards once, throwing out her hands to catch herself. The blade skittered to the floor and spun three times before coming to a rest between her and the stairs. Dark purple coated it, hiding the hilt's gold. Shiala stared at it, then at the blood on her arms. She must have been cut when the blade slipped. She searched for the wound and found none.

* * *

Shepard's head hurt. There was no winning with politicians.

"How will you handle being surrounded by your social superiors, people who are more intelligent than you are?" Ambassador Udina sat at the end of a long table, an associate on either side of him, leaning back in a big chair, a wall-length holo of the circular skyline of the Wards behind him, and a pitcher of water and a glass beside him. Ashley and Kaidan, in full armor like herself, stood over to one side, sweating. Anderson stood beside her.

"I have a great deal of experience working with a wide range of species from all walks of life." The ambassador had not invited her or Anderson to sit. The room was hot and bright. "I grew up on Elysium before Mindoir, and I'm an N7." He was clearly taking a piss, at her expense, but she could play this game.

She wished she didn't have to, that Anderson would put an end to it, but he kept testing her since the beacon. That and this colossal waste of time did nothing to improve her mood. The pain deep in her head nauseated her, and she hated being nauseated. It reminded her of when Leyne's family had brought her along on a trip to Grasse to one of the famous perfume laboratories there. Leyne, who had thought she wanted to be a parfumer at the time, had insisted that Shepard join her in trying to mix a scent. Shepard had struggled through the afternoon, guided along by technicians, but foiled by recognizing so few of the words on the essence bottles and increasingly sickened by all the strong smells. The whole hoverbus ride back through the mountains to the apartment in Old Nice had seemed like an endurance test. The young asari behind her had kicked her seat the whole ride back, repeating endlessly, "Luc, je suis ton pere," to another young asari in imitation of some villain in some ancient space vid, and being rude to their mother when she tried to quiet them. Several times, when Shepard had doubted that she would make it without vomiting, she had actually considered throwing up all over the child behind her, even at the risk of creating a diplomatic incident. A similar ignoble line of thought occurred to her now.

"We both know colony life and the Villa hardly constitute charm school," Udina sneered. "What I want to know is how you will react when you're not treated as special, as you no doubt have grown accustomed to as the hero of the Blitz. You may be used to being a big deal in certain limited circles, but here," his gesture included the arms of the wards, "you're not even fly spit."

"I'm happy to consider as my social superior, Ambassador, all those whose manners exceed my own. Greater intelligence on anyone's part would undoubtedly include the ability to handle respectfully the ignorance of others." Shepard ignored the bead of sweat that dripped down from her right brow and landed on her lip. How strange to think of Leyne now. It'd been years. "Kindness and respect seem the truest hallmarks of brilliance." She had his number. The holo gave it away. It was, she conjectured, likely the view of the Citadel from the Presidium. The cheap tricks of keeping them a table away, standing while he sat, sweating while he had water screamed of a wounded ego. The ambassador's need to exercise power probably masked a great deal of frustration about his actual place on the Citadel, and the questions he had asked probably gave away more of how he felt about that than he realized. He had miscalculated if he thought it would work on her. Apparently he knew little of military training, the never-ending "hurry up and wait" of basic, the breaking down of identity, the challenging of limits. She could keep this up for weeks. She could outlast this petty, unpleasant man.

Udina shook his head and steepled his fingers. "Your naivete fails to amuse." He swiveled his chair toward Anderson. "Is this really the best we can do? A trained monkey with a gun?"

There it was, the other side of the lose/lose scenario the ambassador sought to create. If she lost her temper, he won. If she didn't, he thought he did as well. If she stayed passive, she proved her own powerlessness, if she didn't, she proved that he had exerted power over her, and that she'd lost control. She really wished her head didn't hurt so much.

"Yes." Anderson kept his cool well. She liked that about him. "We have no other candidates even in her league, which was why it was already decided…."

"Before she bungled the mission. She couldn't have done worse if she tried." Udina interrupted. "There's no way they'll make her a Spectre now. We've missed the chance." He pounded his fist on the glass table. "You don't know how hard I fought to secure the opportunity."

To give her frustration an outlet, Shepard fantasized about using a gun on him, imagined squinting through the scope and sighting right between his eyes and squeezing the trigger. No, maybe shooting him in one of his eyes. Really squinting helped her head hurt a little less.

"No one could have done better!" Ashley's voice made Udina swivel. "Without Shepard the whole colony would have been blown up."

"Who are you, and why should I care about your opinion?" Udina's tone softened slightly as he checked Ashley out. Shepard decided that she'd shoot him in the gut, so that he'd suffer longer.

"Chief Ashley Williams formerly of Eden Prime's 212, reassigned to the Normandy…" The Chief clearly didn't know how to address the ambassador, if she should call him sir or salute. Shepard was glad when Ashley did neither.

This had gone on long enough. The sound of Shepard's pistol leaving its maglock proved satisfyingly loud. "I am _very_ good with this." She nonchalantly held it in her palm, pointed at the unoccupied far corner.

Anderson, bless him, didn't even blink. Kaidan looked shocked and uncertain, and she thought she saw a small smile on Ashley's lips. She did have Udina's undivided attention.

"How dare you pull a weapon on me!" He looked appalled, wounded right in his dignity. "I am Earth's representative, humanity's ambassador!"

Shepard twirled the gun once on her forefinger and shrugged. "And I'm just a trained monkey with a gun." She let the muzzle describe an arc over the three men's heads. All three ducked. One of Udina's associates put his hands up, the other tried to hide under the table.

"Yes, trained to follow orders!" Udina seemed to gain more confidence. He stood and pointed at her. "Put that away! Anderson, tell her to put that away! This is an outrage!"

Anderson stared impassively forward, making no move to do anything of the sort while she leaned forward and let the pistol clank loudly against the tabletop. "Sit." Her voice was very soft.

Udina sat.

She walked slowly toward him, pistol in hand. "You seem to misunderstand, and I want to be clear. I am trained, highly trained." She poured water into the glass. For a moment, it was the only sound in the room. "I am trained to take command. Of any situation. By any means necessary." When the silence had stretched out long enough, she holstered her pistol and carried the glass to Kaidan, who was sweating the most, and offered it to him. After a moment's hesitation, he took it and drank.

"You try such tactics on the Council, and you'll end up dead." Udina frowned at her. She certainly hadn't made a friend, but then, neither had he.

"If they are my intergalactic superiors," Shepard went over to the light switch and dimmed the overheads to a more comfortable level, "I doubt they'll make it necessary."

"The way they treat humans," Udina muttered as he stood and paced over to the door, "I almost wish you'd shoot them."

Shepard put on her best fake smile and kept her head down as she pushed through the crowd of reporters outside the embassy. The flashes and bright lights of the news cameras made her head hurt more.

"Commander Shepard, Commander Shepard, may we have a moment of your time?" Hands pushed and pulled on her armor as reporters jockeyed to be in a good position for their cameras, which followed overhead.

"What brings the Hero of the Blitz to the Citadel?" Shepard just waved at the camera of the reporter who asked that.

"Captain Anderson, have you and Commander Shepard been asked to head a special covert task force?" Great, her buddies back at the Villa were going to love that line of questioning.

"Captain Anderson, can you confirm that the geth have been seen in the Terminus systems?" Shepard glanced at Anderson, who didn't look back at her. There was only one person who could have leaked her report. Hopefully it had been heavily redacted first. "Can you tell us what humanity plans to do about it?"

Udina stepped up to the well-lit podium that had been set up outside the embassy's doors, and the yelling subsided as he asked for their attention. "Captain Anderson and Commander Shepard are here to discuss a matter of grave importance with the Council. Until they have, they are not at liberty to speak with the press. I will answer what questions I can now. One of Earth's colonies in the Terminus systems has been attacked. We seek Council support to deal with this threat before it spreads."

With most of the attention focused on Udina, Shepard and her team managed to make it to the elevator.

"Is it always like that for you?" Kaidan sounded sympathetic. "Wherever you go?"

"I thought you weren't 'intergalactic fly spit.'" Ashley mimicked Udina. "What a pompous ass. I loved how you shut him up. Although, for the record, I was thirsty too."

"Pulling a gun on him was extreme and may have proved his point," Kaidan had clearly turned toward Ashley. Even though Shepard didn't turn around to look, she could hear the difference in his voice, and the gentle reprimand in it. "There are big differences between how diplomats and soldiers think."

"Which is why we don't give diplomats guns." Ashley sounded smug.

Kaidan laughed, a soft, single, masculine purr of a sound. "Hun. I guess I can't argue with that, Chief."

"Damn straight, LT." Ashley sounded smugger.

Shepard smiled as the elevator doors opened on the main lobby to the embassy row. Not a single reporter could be seen. Good, if she threw up now, it wouldn't be on the evening news. She strode across the open area toward the taxi stands, pain lengthening her strides.

"Commander Shepard! Commander Shepard!" A heavily accented voice called out.

The three of them stopped short, and Shepard turned and waited as a civilian caught up with them.

"Please help me! The Alliance won't give me my wife's body. I just want to take her home." Deep lines of grief marked the man's face. The pain in the man's eyes touched her, but Shepard pushed the feeling away. It'd been a long time since she'd allowed herself to remember.

"Samesh?" Ashley stepped forward in recognition before she caught herself. "Shepard, this is the husband of one of my friends in the 212, Nirali."

"My wife fought for and died on Eden Prime, and the Alliance won't even tell me why they won't give me her body!" Tears started in his eyes. "Please help me!"

"I'm very sorry for your loss, Mr.?"

"Bhatia, Samesh Bhatia." He held out his hand. "I've been here since I heard about the attack on Eden Prime and saw her name on the lists."

Shepard solemnly shook it. "Your wife was a hero, Mr. Bhatia."

"Thank you." Samesh swallowed. "Will you help me? They won't even let me see her."

A small sympathetic knot formed in Shepard's throat. "Whom do I need to speak to? Whom have you asked?"

"There's a clerk over in the Embassy Lounge. His name's Bosker." Hope glinted in Samesh's eyes.

"Let me see what I can do." Shepard had seen the sign for the lounge in the lobby. "I'll let you know shortly. Wait here."

"Thank you!" His gratitude was almost more than she could bear. The headache must be getting to her. She headed briskly for the stairs. His wife was one more colony inhabitant she'd failed to save.

* * *

Sha'ira's hand shook as she reached for the small glass of honey mead. Her nightmare had been so intense, so real, and so much worse than the last one.

Nelyna noticed her tremors and took the glass from her fingers before it could fall. "Again?"

Mutely, Sha'ira acknowledged the truth.

Nelyna set the glass on the small table next to the pitcher and knelt before her. "May I?"

With a small bow of her head and slow closing of her eyes, Sha'ira gave her acolyte permission.

Nelyna rose and walked behind Sha'ira, gently sliding her robe off her shoulders.

Sha'ira felt relief when Nelyna avoided her neck and instead massaged her back and her shoulders. In the nightmare, her neck had savagely gripped so that she could be held screaming to the floor. The pain had been so real she could still feel it. It was unlike any pain she'd ever known, far more intense. She concentrated on returning to the moment, to the talented, warm hands on her now, the very different sensations. She could feel Nelyna sharing her energy through the contact of their skin. It warmed her more than the mead could have. It helped her relax. "Very good. Your body reading has improved, Nelyna."

"You've taught me well, Hetera," Nelyna said softly, "how we are connected, how to follow that energy, how to feel what is needed."

"Your gift of touch will surpass my own, Nelyna." Sha'ira's eyelids fluttered at the memory of the sensation of a cold hard floor grinding into her forehead, an excruciating pressure on the small of her back. She tensed, closing in on herself, trying to shut it out.

"Dida, I feel so much distress from you. What causes this?"

"I don't know," Sha'ira admitted, and Nelyna's touch faltered. Sha'ira reached up and stroked her acolyte's hand soothingly. "Please try to reach Lady Benezia again. I need her guidance."

Nelyna gently pulled Sha'ira's robe back over her shoulders and returned to kneeling in front of her. "I'm sorry, Hetera. Every time I request to speak with her, they tell me the same thing. She cannot be reached right now. I've tried each of the Hepta, and none of them will speak to me. Their douli say they cannot be disturbed."

Standing, Sha'ira paced to the window that overlooked her courtyard garden. Benny had helped her arrange the clearances to set it up. At the moment, the sprinklers pulsed from the walls, dowsing the plants with artificial rain. She felt homesick suddenly for Thessian rain. The smell of eezo in the air, the tingle of it on her skin, the caress of Benny's greeting, she missed these. The Janiris celebrations would start in several weeks, and still no word. The times she hadn't spent the holiday with Benny she could count on one hand. This was the longest they had gone without being in touch. She wouldn't be the only one missing her either. The Hepta must be scrambling to figure out how to manage the celebrations this year if Benny wasn't back.

"Hetera?"

Sha'ira frowned. That had to be the case. Benny wouldn't miss her Janiris duties unless she had no other choice. This troubled Sha'ira more than the unusually long silence.

Nelyna touched her arm lightly. "Paraclete Tevos is here. Maybe she can help?"

"She has no foresight." Sha'ira shook her head and sighed. "Tell the Paraclete I am not available. Try the Hydratenemos. Ask for an audience with the Pythia."

"The Pythia?" Awe crept into Nelyna's voice. "I thought she never spoke holographically." The significance of Sha'ira's request registered. "Your dreams ... you think something has happened to the Potnia?!" Nelyna had accompanied Sha'ira to Benezia's Janiris celebrations for the past several decades.

"I'd go to her." Sha'ira returned to her bed. "Please, Nelyna, see what you can do, as discretely as possible." As Nelyna left, Sha'ira's thoughts turned to Liara. She would be an obvious way to try to control Benny. Control the Potnia? Sha'ira could not suppress a shudder. Benny would have been trained to never let that happen. Sha'ira's hand was just steady enough to lift the small glass, but the mead stuck in her throat, its sweetness cloying instead of soothing, its warmth more of a burn.

* * *

"Lots of soldiers died on Eden Prime, Bosker. Keep the ones for your studies who don't have families needing closure. Release Nirali Bhatia." Shepard kept her voice soft. "Let her go home."

"Everyone has family." Bosker's awe at meeting her muted his protest.

"No, they don't. I don't, and I've met many others who didn't either, soldiers for whom the military is their family. Choose one like me." Shepard let the request become a command.

Bosker sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Okay, you can tell Mr. Bhatia that we will release his wife's body to him."

"Tomorrow." Again, Shepard didn't let it be a question.

"Yes." The clerk gulped down the rest of his drink.

"Rachel?!"

Shepard's eyes narrowed. She hadn't been called that by anyone in almost seven years, but she would know that voice anywhere. "Leyne?" She turned, and there she was, dressed in asari fashion, standing over by the small bar, drink in hand.

"I heard chatter about a _Commander_ Shepard arriving today and wondered if that was you, but I thought no, if it was, you would have called." Leyne momentarily seemed as uncomfortable as Shepard felt, then gave Shepard a long searching look before her expression hardened into something less decipherable. She set her glass down and pushed away from the bar. "N7? You did it then? You're now an _elite_ killer?"

Shepard held up one finger to Leyne asking her to wait and turned to Kaidan and Ashley. "Lieutenant, Chief, arrange the details with Clerk Bosker and inform Mr. Bhatia. I'll join you in the lobby shortly." Turning back, she approached Leyne. "I didn't know you were here. Even if I had, there hasn't been time to get in touch with anyone." She cleared her throat. "I'm sorry." The two hugged awkwardly. "It's good to see you. You look good, great, actually."

"I would pop up on any extranet search. I'm easy to find, for anyone who _tries_." Leyne put her hands on her hips and returned Shepard's appraising glance. "Are you on some secret mission, or do you have time to buy me a drink? Your weak-ass flattery could use some work."

"If you know a place where we'd be less conspicuous, I'd like that." Shepard didn't glance around at the officials discretely eyeing them.

Leyne stuck out a hip. "You don't want to be seen with me?"

"Everyone knows you kiss puppies. It could ruin my rep." Shepard took Leyne's arm and gently led her toward the door. More quietly, she added. "I don't want to spend all day on camera."

Leyne snorted. "Come on then. I know just the place."

* * *

"The gesticulating monkey will want our Fleet." Sparatus leaned back, his arms draped across the tops of his chair. "He's stirring up hysteria to force our hand."

"If the humans are foolish enough to start colonies in the most dangerous stretches of space, they should be strong enough to defend them." Valern paced around their private lounge. "We do not provide security services to support the expansionary inclinations of every associate member race." Located on the top tier of the Presidium, the lounge's 360-degree view was stunning, given the dramatic play of light over the surrounding wards, but he was staring into the room, at Tevos, who stood with her back to the other councilors as she poured herself a drink at the sidebar.

Tevos could tell by their reflections in her glass. She filled it with the milky yellow of elasa, blotting them from view. For what she was about to say, she'd want to see their faces directly. Taking her glass, she went and stood to the left of Sparatus. "Commander Shepard reported Tier II and Tier III violations of the Conventions."

"Commander Shepard destroyed a Prothean beacon, a far worse offense." Sparatus countered, crossing one leg over the other.

Tevos knew that Sparatus really wanted to protect Saren with that gesture, not his genitals. She took a sip of her drink, hoping it would hide her own unease. She knew whom Saren had as his guest, and the Eden Prime report troubled her deeply, but she was very skilled at not revealing what she felt.

"Yes, the beacon is most problematic." Valern agreed. "That the Commander could allegedly access it before its alleged destruction is curious. It suggests that the Commander's use of it could be the cause, yes, but doubtful."

"If the Alliance took it," Tevos swirled the liquid in her glass, "why not let Eden Prime explode to cover up? It would provide a better explanation for the beacon's destruction or disappearance."

"Too suspicious." Valern started to pace, pinching his lip. "Saving the colony provides a more dignified and believable cover. We need to get someone on that ship to find the beacon before they have a chance to conceal it, but all human. No, no, they likely transferred it off before they answered our summons. The ship should have logs, even if deleted. A Spectre could find it."

"I believe the beacon has been destroyed, probably by the humans when they found themselves _unable_ to access it." Sparatus jiggled his crossed leg up and down.

Tevos took another sip, weighing her words carefully. When the elasa had melted from her tongue, she spoke. "Accusing the geth gains them nothing, costs them nothing. They will want sanctions against Saren to save face."

"Saren, yes," Valern nodded, "problematic. Have you talked to him?"

"I've informed him of the accusations against him." Sparatus' arms tightened across the top of the chair. He must have sent him Shepard's report. Tevos idly wondered if Shepard knew she was in danger. If she was as good as the humans claimed, she could take care of herself. If she was not…. Either way, it was not her concern.

Valern stopped pacing. "What was his answer?"

Sparatus turned his head to look at Valern for the first time. "He denied it, of course."

"Nihlus was his friend." Valern nodded. "Very sad." Not for the first time, Tevos wondered what arrangements Valern and Sparatus had negotiated.

"Valern and I should speak to him, too." Tevos stared at her glass.

"Together?" Genuine surprise colored Valern's voice.

"Separately." Tevos met the gaze of both the others. "These are very serious charges. We cannot just dismiss them."

* * *

The cab let them off where a dark alley twisted over a dingy hovercar park, and the stuttering neon sign showed a naked asari wriggling.

"I didn't know you could spell asari with three exs," Ashley muttered.

Shepard raised an eyebrow at Leyne. No other establishments shared the area with the strip club.

"Trust me, nobody will be paying attention to you." Leyne laughed. "You'll get your anonymity."

"If you want anonymity, you could take your armor off," Kaidan suggested.

Ashley shot him a dirty look. "Really, LT?"

Leyne laughed harder. Shepard rolled her eyes.

"No, that's not what I meant!" Kaidan stammered. "You know that's not what I meant. Ma'am, I didn't mean you should take your clothes off, just the N7 armor. You could wear other armor…."

Shepard raised a hand. "As you were, Lieutenant."

"Uh, yes, Ma'am." Kaidan's face had turned bright red.

"You're really not used to being commanded by a woman, are you?" Ashley accused Kaidan.

"Don't call me, Ma'am. I prefer Shepard, or Commander." They were almost to the door. "In here, don't call me anything. I want you and Williams to find your own spot at the bar or at a table across the room from us. Be ready to go at my signal."

"Understood."

They could hear the pulse of the music before they even opened the door. The turian and krogan bouncers leaning against the doorjambs let them pass without challenge.

Inside strobe lights flashed on the dancers gyrating around poles on a central platform above the bar, and intermittent laser lights dazzled. The heavy bass beat vibrated everything in the room, including the glasses on the bar. Shepard closed her eyes to fight down an intense wave of nausea.

"The heart of intergalactic civilization, and it's still the same old shit." Ashley shouted.

"Actually, the heart of intergalactic civilization is Thessia." Leyne leaned back and shouted at her. "Dancing for pay, this kind of dancing, is forbidden there."

"Come on, Chief, we have our orders." Kaidan pushed through the throng to the left, his eyes fixed on the dancers.

"She didn't order us to watch, LT." Ashley followed. "Those are people's daughters and sisters up there."

Leyne led Shepard toward a table, pushing through the tightly packed floor. Before they got there, Shepard felt a hand grab her ass. "If I'd known there were soldiers like you, I'd have enlisted." The man's rumpled, stained shirt marked him as C-Sec, and his breath, a drunk. "Sign me up and slide me into this sweet tight gear." His hand squeezed. "I'm already at attention and can to salute you any way you want, baby."

With one foot, she stood on his boot, anchoring him as she twisted to bring her other knee up with a satisfying jolt. "How about like this?" She caught him by his shirt as he fell forward. "You see, if I'd known there were cops like you," she growled. "I'd have shot you before you touched me." She let him fall. Leyne waited for her a few steps away. Shepard caught up to her and shouted in her ear. "I don't get it. Why is no one harassing you?"

"They know better." Leyne looked at and wiped off the seat at the small table before she sat on it. "And now they know that about you too."

Shepard took the chair closest to her, where she could still see the floor. Scanning, she saw Kaidan and Ashley sitting a little ways back from the bar on the other side of the room. The whole place wasn't really that big. Kaidan waved.

"He's kind of cute. Nice muscles." Leyne mused before looking back at Shepard. "But unless you've changed teams, she's more your type. Is she ...?"

Shepard scowled. "I'd never get involved with anyone under my command." She cleared her throat. "Uh, what about you? Is there anyone special?"

Leyne traced a circle on the greasy tabletop. "You could say that. I'm married."

"What!?" Shepard felt like she'd been punched in the stomach. She knew she probably looked it too. "You're what?!" The bass beat seemed to be coming from inside her head. "Leynie?! To whom?!"

"He's another correspondent," Leyne looked defiant. "His name's Andrew."

Just then an asari in a red skintight shiny stocking of an outfit crawled up on their table. She seemed doped out of her mind or in a trance, and the crotch area of her getup had gone missing, as had a crescent of fabric right above her breasts. Shepard had to lean to see around her as she positioned herself in front of Leyne and stretched back to look at Shepard upside down. "When?"

Leyne ignored the asari, but didn't lean around her to meet Shepard's gaze. "About five years ago."

"Five…" Shepard sucked air in through her teeth. "Why didn't you tell me?" She gestured to the asari to shoo, but the asari began gyrating, lifting and lowering her pelvis near Leyne's face.

"You have to pay her to make her leave," Leyne explained with a sigh. "How, Rachel? How could I have told you?" The asari jiggled in front of her, blocking her from Shepard's sight. "I tried to send you messages, but the Alliance said they couldn't forward them."

Shepard pulled out a credit chit and held it out toward the asari, who arched backward more in response, not stopping her movements. With no other obvious place to put it, Shepard slid it with one finger gingerly between the asari's breasts. The asari sat, spun and slid off the table. Shepard stared at Leyne. She didn't know what to say.

The asari picked that moment to straddle Shepard's lap and start shimmying. "Oh for crying out loud." Shepard grabbed the asari by the hips, picked her up and moved her off her lap.

"Rachel?" A krogan had Leyne by the nape of her neck and held a shotgun to her head.

* * *

The floor shook beneath Shiala's hands as geth charged into the room. Light reflected off their swiftly moving metal limbs in flashes as they ran up the steps. Shiala saw other douli with their mouths open, but could hear no sound. All the light and air seemed to rush to the bed with the geth.

There Lady Benezia clutched at her throat, dark blood pulsing through her fingers. Benezia looked at her. She moved her lips, but made no sound. Blood streamed from her mouth and neck. Her eyes flashed blue, and then the light faded. The light faded and went out.

Screaming, scrambling, slipping, Shiala ran toward her up the stairs, crying out as loud as she could to break the silence, to stop this, but the silence could not be broken. She grabbed at Benezia, catching at her robe. Dark purple blossomed under her fingertips, hot and slick, anointing her. Hands grabbed her, pulled her back, she struggled, she screamed. The silence could not be touched, not even when metal hands dragged her writhing out of the room, shrieking her everlasting refusal to accept, which could not be heard. The silence could not be breached. All sound had been swallowed.

* * *

"What do you think the two of them are talking about?" Kaidan had gone to the bar and had brought back two drinks, which he had placed on the table before sitting where he could best see Shepard. He was staring at Shepard now.

Ashley sighed. "None of our business." She looked suspiciously at the glass in front of her. "Did you watch her pour this?"

"Yes." Kaidan wrapped his hand around his glass and raised it absently. "I think it's bad news. She seems tense." When Shepard looked over he waved.

"She seems to want what privacy she can get." Ashley put her hand over the top of his drink. "I don't think you should have any of that. We could be called to the Council any minute. You don't want to be smelling of alcohol when we do."

Kaidan looked over at her and set the glass down. "You're probably right."

"I never drink when I'm carrying loaded weapons." Ashley pushed the glass in front of her away. "But thanks for the thought, all the same. How about some other time, when we're not on duty?"

"Yeah? Sure." Kaidan's smile was sweet and his eyes a warm brown. For a whole minute he looked back at her before glancing back toward Shepard. "Whoa!"

"What?" Ashley glanced over too, and saw the asari on Shepard's table. She laughed. "Finally, something she doesn't know how to handle. She _is_ human." Out of the corner of her eye, she caught concerted movement. The krogans in the room all seemed to be moving, converging, weapons out, on their table and the Commander's. "LT, it's a set up. Get down!"


	15. Explanations

**Explanations**

from Pablo Neruda's _And Because Love Battles_

_I don't know anything about light, from where  
it comes nor where it goes,  
I only want the light to light up,  
I do not ask the night  
explanations,  
I wait for it and it envelops me_

* * *

Benezia crossed her forearms over her eyes and pressed them against her forehead. Shiala's voice buzzed in and out, but Aethyta's remained clear. The hands on her shoulders had to be Shiala's.

"Give me room, degenerate!" Shiala hissed.

"Back off, over-protective tight ass!" Aethyta's anger swam a dark crimson. Some commotion followed. Aethyta shifted. "Don't touch her skin!"

With tremendous effort, Benezia forced herself to focus. She lowered her arms and opened her eyes. "Shiala."

"Hepta, what has she … oh." The hand on her shoulders eased as she saw Benezia's darkened eyes.

"Please help me up." Benezia extended her elbow.

Shiala grasped Benezia's clothed elbow, and helped Benezia to her feet. The two supported her through the fallen tables, across the banquet hall and down the hallway. She kept her eyes closed, letting them guide her. Her right wrist and hand rested on Aethyta's forearm, her fingers on Aethyta's wrist, discretely maintaining their skin contact. Benezia's left hand rested lightly on Shiala's sleeve. Even through the fabric, Benezia could feel the buzz of biotics and the stiffness of her acolyte. They made it to the elevator in tense silence.

"Shiala, she did nothing wrong. It's …."

Another wave hit, pulsing flashes of light and dark too bright not to hurt, bringing a spasm of pain so intense she folded forward, forgetting to breathe. She vaguely felt Shiala catch her. The alternating waves momentarily obliterated her sense of Aethyta, even far as she was inside her. Losing consciousness now could kill them both. Blinded, she clutched at whatever she could, hoping not to do any damage. As the spasm passed, leaving her drained but her consciousness free again, Benezia could feel how the waves had crashed against Aethyta, how she too had faltered. Benezia gasped weakly, "…Aethyta, I'm so sorry."

Aethyta got back up, took and squeezed her arm, offering support through the meld. Briefly, Benezia had a sense of where she was. She could see the glow of Aethyta's thoughts as they traveled along nerve paths, formed and floated free, emotions the colors sweeping through everything. Benezia touched Aethyta's resolve as it brushed against her, gently pulling the warm glow of it to herself and caressing it, feeling it float through her before it rose, buoyed by Aethyta's strength.

Everything inside Aethyta felt more real than the ground beneath her feet. When she opened her eyes, she saw what Aethyta saw ghosted over her own sight and what Aethyta felt lingered over her own skin. It held a strong erotic charge. Their very selves were exposed and partly intertwined. They shared raw sensations, remnants of afterglow cascading between them. In its persistence, it was more intimate than anything she'd experienced. She felt incredibly naked before Aethyta in a way their bodies had never been, but held herself poised, her confidence not completely stripped away by pain or trepidation. To limit the external stimuli contributing to her disorientation, she closed her eyes and tried to get her bearings and gather her strength. Not knowing why she couldn't control the joining frightened her, as did the pain, but she had to find a way to put feelings aside to figure out what to do.

In the warm sunlight, Shiala stiffened, "Watch it!" She reluctantly released Benezia's arm as Aethyta gently touched the top of Benezia's crests and protected her head as she guided her into the waiting car, careful to maintain their skin contact. That left Shiala to go around and get in on the other side.

While they waited, Aethyta stroked Benezia's cheek and neck, sending intense thrills through them both. After a moment, Aethyta chuckled. "This reminds me a little of the time I was with this elcor, and we got stuck."

"Stuck? How … oh." Benezia opened her eyes. They could better bear the low light level of the car's interior, which made the ghosting effect less pronounced. "Please don't show me."

"He was hung like you wouldn't believe." Aethyta held her free hand about a half meter away from the one touching Benezia.

"I really don't need to know." Benezia shook her head.

"It was a looooong night. You wouldn't believe his stamina. It went on and on. Until we got well and truly stuck, a little like this." Aethyta winked, her hand returning to brush Benezia's neck folds.

Benezia quivered with pleasure, but captured that hand with her own. "Not in front of Shiala."

"Maybe Shiala should sit in front then." Aethyta's words were playful, but Benezia could feel the undercurrents of her concern.

The door on the other side opened, and the car dipped momentarily as Shiala got in and closed the door. Shiala pressed the button to speak to the driver, keeping the screen up to shield Benezia from curiosity. The car took off.

Aethyta looked questioningly at Benezia, then shrugged, clasping Benezia's hand. "So there I was, hanging from him like a drunk tick on a varren," Aethyta mimed how she held on with her free hand, "and he's swaying back and forth," She made some seated pelvic thrusts, "only now he's not getting anywhere."

"_What_ are you talking about?!" Shiala glowered at Aethyta.

Aethyta glanced at Shiala. "He freaks out and tries to shake me off, but he can't." She held her hands up for Shiala's benefit. "That long." A sharp ache accompanied the brief loss of contact.

Shiala pressed her lips together. "This hardly seems appropriate."

"I'm stuck inside Aethyta; she's trying to console me," Benezia said softly, even as she reached up to grasp one of Aethyta's hands. "The fault is mine."

"We got in this together," Aethyta corrected. She ran her hand lightly along Benezia's thigh. Shared desire and remembered pleasure made Benezia catch her breath and tense. "We'll get out that way too." Aethyta stared defiantly at Shiala, daring her to protest.

Shiala looked out the window, tension radiating from her.

"Aethyta," Benezia felt another wave approaching and tightened her grip on Aethyta's hand. "I remind you of an elcor? What was he like?"

Aethyta squeezed her hand, "Your mind reminds me of his…."

"You DARE!" Shiala interrupted with a hiss, her head whipping back around.

Sweat sprung up along Benezia's crests. She closed her eyes tight. The pressure mounted, flickering. From the pull, this would be a bad one. "Goddess have mercy," she whispered.

"You flatulent, insignificant WORM! Have you no decency?! You are addressing one of the Hepta, Agapi of Athame, Epitropa of the Prototemenos," Shiala snarled as her eyes narrowed. "If you insult her again, I will personally wipe every last molecule of you off the face of Thessia!"

Aethyta nodded approvingly at Shiala, then stroked the back of Benezia's hand. "Come to think of it, maybe you're more like my hanar aphrodisia. He was religious too, and damn near blinded me flashing _his_ pretty, pretty lights when we joined." Aethyta stopped speaking as the waves crashed against them both, drowning Shiala out and spinning them around and around. Aethyta tried to shield Benezia, but whatever it was, it was coming from Benezia, and it was she who managed to shield them from the worst of it again. The effort took its toll.

Slowly, Benezia became aware of Shiala's hands at her back, keeping her in Aethyta's arms. The receding waves left Benezia pale and shaky, cold and clammy with sweat. "I can't take much more," she admitted weakly.

"How close are we?" Aethyta asked Shiala.

"Five minutes." Shiala bit the words off. An uncomfortable silence stretched out.

"I'm afraid to ask," Benezia managed, "but how did you get out of that situation with your elcor aphrodisia?"

Aethyta grinned. "I'd be willing to demonstrate."

Benezia smiled weakly. "I'm already sorry I asked."

Aethyta's grin grew. "It got very uncomfortable, but the solution proved surprisingly simple and mutually satisfying."

"No, don't show me." Benezia batted away the image emerging from Aethyta's mind. "I can guess."

"We could try a re-enactment."

Benezia laughed despite herself. "You made it all up. There's nothing to re-enact." She closed her eyes as a smaller spasm wracked her. "It's the worst story I ever heard," she said when she'd regained her breath.

"Don't knock it till you've tried it." Aethyta's grin had faded. Benezia could feel her concern.

"How can you joke at a time like this?" Shiala interrupted. "This is serious!"

"How can I not?" Aethyta asked, shrugging. "You're serious enough for the rest of us."

The flashing started again. Benezia groaned and leaned forward.

"She doesn't like it," Shiala argued. "What you're saying."

"You have no idea what she likes." Aethyta's hand traced Benezia's side. Through the meld, Benezia could tell the gesture was half intended to bait her acolyte.

"Please," Benezia begged both Aethyta and the pain. "Stop." The flashing sped up. She held her breath.

"Keep breathing," Aethyta coached as she concentrated back on Benezia. "It's going to be all right. Don't fight it."

"It hurts … so much." Benezia tried to relax, breathe into it, but the intensity of the pain, her inability to understand what was wrong, confused her. Her whole body braced. The wave grew.

Shiala stared at her in concern.

"I know. Just let go, just feel it." Aethyta remained one still point in the rising flood. "It won't kill you. It'll pass."

"But I'm hurting you!" Benezia struggled. Dimly she felt Shiala grasping her other arm, keeping her from falling on the floor as she crumpled before the press of the pain. It was too much. When it finally receded again, she felt Aethyta's fingers softly stroking her crests. Shiala released her arm to type on her omni. Leaning back against Aethyta, Benezia could feel Aethyta's responding surge of protectiveness. "Somehow," she whispered to her, "you're behind me as well as in front so I can't pull out. I can't find the way. Each time pushes me farther in."

"I feel the pressure, too. It's not me." Aethyta helped her sit up more. "Whatever it is, maybe the answer isn't back, but forward, not less, but more? Like with the elcor."

Benezia smiled weakly at Aethyta's offer and tried to match her lightness of tone. "Your stamina must have matched his. I can't compare."

"I disagree." Aethyta reminded her of their battle of wills the last time they'd met, and Benezia's cheeks flushed as Aethyta's touch fluttered lightly over her pleasure center again. Aethyta's admiration and kindness through the prolonged involuntary intimacy, her sincerity, surprised Benezia. She had found Aethyta's artlessness refreshing and appealing from the first, but hadn't expected tenderness. Aethyta's outrageousness tried to hide it, something Benezia found endearing.

"Is this another request for a re-enactment?" Benezia smiled at Aethyta before clutching her arm as another intense spasm swept her. Benezia's eyes drifted shut.

"Whatever works." Aethyta shook her arm. "Hey, it's your turn to share a story."

Benezia struggled back toward Aethyta and offered a memory of her own. "I'm reminded of one evening after dinner when I wandered onto the lane to my house barefoot. It was lovely, just past dusk. In the dark, I thought I had counted all five rhodon bushes that lined the path before I walked off it to the right, but I must have mistaken something else for one of them. I walked right into the middle of the last bush."

"And it tore your clothes off?" Aethyta grinned.

"Aethyta…." Benezia smiled at her companion's hopefulness. "No."

"No one gets naked in your story?" Aethyta frowned. "You just get hurt? What kind of story is this?"

Benezia laughed. "Clearly, I don't have your gift for telling tales."

"At least have another asari or two trapped in there already, or maybe some treasure. Pirates could show up to kidnap you," Aethyta suggested.

"But that's not what happened."

Aethyta shook her head. "I could teach you so much, if you'd let me."

Shiala made a strangled sound.

"You'd teach me how to dissemble?" Amusement edged Benezia's voice.

"No, to embellish, improve, excite." Aethyta's voice changed. "You already know how to dissemble, probably expertly." Aethyta's sudden scorn and bitterness stung Benezia and silenced her. Shiala glanced at Benezia. Benezia focused on the floor. The silence lasted a few minutes before Aethyta spoke again. "Hey, I didn't mean that."

"We're joined, Aethyta." Benezia felt a pang of exasperation. "I know you did."

"I didn't mean that you don't know how to excite." Aethyta sent regret through their connection, tinged with chagrin. "You do. You really do." They looked at one another for a long moment.

"Thank you," Benezia said wryly, at last.

"Go ahead, finish your story." Aethyta nudged her with her shoulder.

Benezia waved dismissively. "It's not important."

"I want to hear it."

Benezia almost wished the flashing would come back.

Aethyta's indignation rose hot in Benezia's mind.

Benezia took a deep breath, clearing her mind and creating calm before she spoke. "The rhodon bush was ancient, huge and strong. My momentum carried me into it. Its thorns and stems wrapped around my leg and trapped it before my foot could even reach the ground. I couldn't move forward or pull back. What had taken seconds to do, took hours to undo. I extricated what branches I could from my leg and broke off thick and thin branches whose thorns were too deeply embedded to untangle from me. When I'd finally freed my leg, I limped inside the house to find a knife to dig out the remaining thorns. I still bear the scars." She winced as the flashing started again, bleeding through the images from her memory. "I feel like I'm doing that to you."

"Why didn't you call your bodyguards for help? Do you not have them at your house?"

"I was too embarrassed."

"Well, you are not some thorn bush." Aethyta dismissed Benezia's feelings of guilt. "_She_ might be." Aethyta nodded toward Shiala, who ignored her as she searched through the car's side compartments, looking for something. "What's up with her? Has she never had an aphrodisia?" Aethyta scowled. "Wait, are priestesses allowed pleasure?" Her feelings showed she believed religion could be that stupid, full of life-denying rules.

Benezia hid her responding ache of sadness. Clearly, Aethyta would have never chosen to join with her if Aethyta had known her, had known she was a hierea as well as active in the plebiscite. The strangely intense feeling of rejection and loss the realization evoked was an over-reaction, she decided, probably the result of their prolonged connection. One did not mourn delights just because they were evanescent. She shook her head. "I am bound by many oaths, some limiting … commitments. None preclude our encounter today." She focused on what she wanted to convey instead of on her suppressed feelings as she clasped Aethyta's hand with both of hers. "You are being very understanding, even though I'm hurting you. Thank you for your kindness." The wave of pressure bore down on her again. She let her chin drop to her chest.

"I don't regret anything except your pain and fear." Aethyta sounded far away. "Benezia? Hey!"

Something pressed against her lips. Benezia recognized the smell of eezo.

"Please, take this." Shiala's voice.

She opened her lips and took the unwrapped eezo cube in her mouth, with its strong, bitter fizz. Eezo tasted much better with food or drink. She tucked the cube in her cheek and after a few minutes, pulled herself into a more upright position, away from Aethyta. Opening her eyes, she saw both Aethyta and Shiala staring at her. "Thank you, Shiala," she said around the cube. Fatigue made her whole body ache, not just her head, and it took great effort to stay upright. Outside the hovercar's tinted windows downtown Armali zoomed by. The car swooped to the edge of the water walk.

"We're cleared for only a few minutes," Shiala explained, opening her door. "We have to hurry." Using her biotics, she floated down.

Benezia slid over and floated down to join her, the break in skin contact with Aethyta causing a stabbing pain as she did. Shiala supported her. Aethyta splashed down, and the car zoomed off. With the two on either side of Benezia again, they waded up the gentle slope toward the Prototenemos' main entrance.

"There's no back way?" Aethyta whispered, keeping her gaze down, like Benezia was doing, to conceal their condition. "This is very public." Asari descending the walkway looked over at them with curiosity, all bowing slightly as they passed.

"No one can approach the Goddess without being purified." Shiala explained the obvious to Aethyta. "Weren't you ever presented? The whole approach is much longer."

Benezia saw ghosted Aethyta's glance back at the long curving ascent behind them, lined with parepidemos and korei in small family groups. It was a popular season for the presentation of korei to the Goddess, an ancient custom marking an asari's transition to the responsibilities of citizenship, to no longer just being cared for as a tiknon, but to starting to care for others as a kore. The pressure in Benezia's head ached, the buildup intensifying. If only she could keep from doubling over where everyone could see. Shiala must have thought along similar lines, for she practically carried Benezia up the final turn.

Narissa waited at the entrance, and they went through greetings and introductions as quickly as they could without drawing attention to their haste. Head ringing, Benezia knew she couldn't hold off the next wave much longer as Narissa led them back to the ramp down to the lower levels. Hipp waited at the ramp's bottom. Foregoing greetings, Hipp took Shiala's place on Benezia's left arm and spoke quietly to her as she helped whisk her along. "Metis says you're to go to the opisthodomos. We will have to blindfold you and your aphrodisia."

"Not the adyton?"

"That you will have to ask the Potnia. Your color is terrible, Zia. You look almost gray. What happened? Your doulous had no details."

Every word took supreme effort. "We joined. I couldn't withdraw."

"It's you stuck in her then? Metis feared you'd allowed a xenix to touch our secrets. I've never seen her so angry."

"No, she's seen nothing!" The penalty for such a lapse would be death for them both. Aethyta felt the spike of Benezia's fear and stiffened, looking over. "The fault is mine."

"Metis already proclaimed that," Hipp warned her. "How did you get stuck?"

"I don't know." Benezia forced herself to stand more erect as they approached the threshold to the opisthodomos, straining under the added effort. It was taking all she had to hold the light back, her eezo-bolstered reserves already buckling. "Excuse me, Hipp. Let me explain to her about the blindfold."

Hipp released her arm and went to stand with Shiala and Narissa.

"Aethyta, we have to go to a part of the Temple where only priests are allowed. Because you are not an initiate, you will be required to wear a blindfold. Because we are joined, I will too."

"I don't see why we didn't just go to the hospital." Aethyta had grown tired. "This seems like an awful lot of fuss and not much help."

"No one can access a hierea's mind in such a situation except another hierea of equal or greater rank."

"I accessed your mind just fine…."

"Aethyta," Benezia took a deep breath caught between frustration and pain and a desperate sense of urgency. "The Potnia guides the lost. She will know what to do. Trust me. Just a little bit longer and you'll be free of me." Benezia beckoned the others to approach, took a blindfold from Shiala, walked behind Aethyta and gently tied it in place. Shiala stepped back. She could not go into the opisthodomos, the Potnia's chambers. That privilege was reserved for the Hepta, as was entering the adyton. Benezia waited while Narissa blindfolded her, and took Aethyta's hand.

Narissa guided the pair over the threshold. The air felt warmer inside. The braziers must be lit. Benezia heard their footsteps on the marble, the crackling of the fire in the braziers, the whistle of the wind through the columns, the faint hum of the building itself. The last bit of eezo slipped down her throat, the pressure in her head extremely painful, and shared.

"And what, Hepta T'Soni, do you seek from me?" Metis' voice, deep and hoarse with age, came from somewhere to the left.

Benezia knelt, pulling Aethyta down beside her. "Your aid, Potnia, to free my nous."

Metis laughed dryly. "You invite the Potnia into your union?"

Aethyta tensed. Benezia squeezed her fingers in warning and reassurance.

"I hoped you could guide me … no," she gasped the last word as the pressure finally broke through and spasms wracked her, light and dark blinking, flashing faster and faster, obliterating everything else. When sound settled again into the recognizable patterns of the Hepta murmuring and Aethyta's groans, she dimly became aware of several things. Cold marble pressed against her cheek. Aethyta rested on all fours beside where she lay. Aethyta's hand cupped hers.

Lean fingers with long nails gripped the back of Benezia's gown, pulling up on it, bidding her to rise. "No one can free your nous but you."

"Despoina," Benezia reached out a hand in supplication, the other remaining under Aethyta's.

"Peitho." Metis' long fingers loudly ripped Benezia's gown down her back to her waist as Benezia failed to rise. "Find your place or lose it."

The hall grew very quiet. The flames flapped before a gust of air.

Benezia got her knees under her, and her free hand, and turned her head to touch her forehead to the floor. She could feel Aethyta's outrage burning, but the pressure built again, undeniable and insistent, and she shook with the effort to keep it at bay. "May I access the pools?" The Prototemenos' pools were lined with eezo and the water itself almost 90 percent liquid eezo. Such a concentration could strengthen her, even if she just dipped in one finger. Some of the pools were for seeing, others for purification. All of them were in the Temple's lowest, most sacred, level, the adyton.

"Xenix are forbidden them, and you lie here hierea and xenix both and neither."

"Form the circle." Cleite's voice. "We can bring her a focus." Benezia felt gratitude at what her adelfi offered, their combined strength.

"Yes, quickly," Narissa's, "come." Shuffling. The ringing in her head grew. Aethyta reached out to her. The light blinked.

"I can't." Her own voice. "Stop."

"What have you tried?" Metis' voice, whirling, pressure, light, Aethyta, a burning blue ring. Benezia moved her remaining energy from trying to block the oncoming waves, and placed them instead to shield only Aethyta. Uncontested, the light swept through her, through every bit, filling her like a sail with wind, even the part inside Aethyta. Her every muscle convulsed, her breath stopped, her heart, and in that space everything tilted and spun, and then she was riding along the wave's crest, flowing with it instead of fighting it.

The white split into colors and the colors into images. She saw cities burning and stars falling out of the sky, the march of machines, metal glinting, melting, strange species, the skyline of Armali, furrows in the fields of Thessia, places she didn't recognize, the Citadel, and something she did, the geth. More and more flowed through her until the wave crashed, and she fell to the floor.

* * *

A breeze gentle as her own breath danced over her skin.

"The circle can't have been enough." That sounded like Lysippe. "How could she do it without the pools?"

"You know what's really unbelievable?" Hipp. Somewhere nearby the bright tinkling of a wind chime sounded. "You asking her aphrodisia for her omni number."

"Why? Anyone who can do that to Zia is worth inviting to Janiris." Orithia. "I want to taste her myself. It's not like Zia can keep her."

"Zia being unconscious at the time didn't even slow you down." Lysippe. "You should have asked her first if she's finished with her."

Aethyta. Was Aethyta alright? Benezia felt hollow. Their connection had ended when she collapsed. She had felt herself slide out of Aethyta with the receding wave. It took great effort to stir, a soft moan escaping her at the attempt.

"She's waking." Hipp.

"Thank the Goddess." The grateful voice and soft hand on her forehand belonged to Narissa. "Zia, Mela, can you hear me?" Benezia realized the warmth beside her must be 'Issa sitting on the side of the bed. Bed? Where was she?

"Somebody get Metis." Orithia.

Benezia opened her eyes, but still couldn't see. She reached up a hand to touch her face, to feel if her eyes were open. They were. Panic rose in her.

"Rest easy," Narissa's voice was very soothing, as were her hands as she took Benezia's hands and stroked them. "Metis is coming."

"Where am I?"

"You don't know?" Genuine concern in Hipp's voice.

"I can't see!"

"You're still in the Temple, Adelfa." Orithia reassured her. "In Metis' bed no less!"

Benezia struggled to rise. "In … how?"

One of Narissa's hands moved to her shoulder and gently pushed her back down. "Metis carried you to the pools and then brought you here. We've been waiting for you to wake up ever since. Cleite took your duties for today, and Pantariste minds the cella. It's okay. You can rest."

"Metis wanted to speak with you as soon as you woke." Hipp. "We're not permitted to ask you anything about what happened."

"Where's Aethyta? Is she okay?" Benezia let Narissa guide her back down, forced herself to relax.

"Metis dismissed her. She seemed fine. She didn't glow like you. You had dark energy rising off of you like you were on fire." Ori sounded awed. "Your eyes are still glowing. You have a bad case of biotic cees." She suddenly stopped speaking.

"Leave us." Unmistakeably Metis' voice. Narissa squeezed her hand before letting go and pushing up and off the bed. In a few moments the room was completely quiet.

Benezia pushed herself up and blinked in vain to clear her vision. As the silence drew out, she closed her eyes and tried to sense what Metis was doing. Rustling and soft footfalls let her know the Potnia approached. The side of the bed dipped.

"What did you see yesterday?"

"Destruction, machines, and the geth." Benezia couldn't read Metis' tone. Something was odd in it.

"You saw the geth before, when you foresaw their rebellion against the quarians. Were you seeing that again?"

"This was different. Thessia burned."

"Will you show me?"

"Despoina?" Benezia was surprised. To link minds with the Potnia was unheard of, even for the Hepta. Even the thought of touching a mind so ancient, so powerful and dedicated to the Goddess made Benezia uneasy.

"One in a million asari may forsee things in the pools, but rarest of all is an asari who can see without them."

"Right now, I can't see anything!"

"The Goddess does not always allow her mistresses to keep one kind of sight when she's given them another."

"Her …," Benezia's mind reeled from the implications, "mistresses?" Athame only had one mistress, one Potnia. Her memory flashed to when she had first met Metis, and had been terrified of the Potnia's filmy eyes, their blank stare seeming to see inside her, to follow her. "Your eyes! You were not always blind?!"

"I have not had the use of my eyes for many centuries, but I had never considered myself blind, until yesterday."

Benezia heard danger lurking in these words.

"I have known the prophecy about you since you came to be presented." The sound of sliding metal accompanied Metis' soft words. "That the Pythia named you Potnia."

Benezia swallowed, trying to keep her fear at bay, as she imagined a knife in Metis' hand. "Yet you chose me as your seventh." She kept herself still.

"The pools spoke to you, and it was safer to keep you close, to train you myself."

"Safer?" If she cried out, would the others hear? If they heard, could they help her? "Despoina…"

A dry laugh. "You do not call me Potnia."

Benezia's heart pounded in her chest. "You are the Potnia."

"Am I?"

"All Thessia calls you such."

Benezia started as a dry hand brushed her cheek and then a finger traced her bottom lip, before a thumb lightly pulled down on it. The intimacy of the touch shocked Benezia.

"You really are lovely." Metis' voice was soft. "Benezia."

"What are you doing?" Benezia felt for the sheet and pulled it up against her chest, to ward against the Potnia's hands. The Potnia was not supposed to touch anyone like this.

Metis was so close, Benezia could feel her breath hot against her cheek. "Believing again, after so long."

Benezia pulled away. "You are scaring me."

"You should be scared." The bed creaked as Metis rose. "Today I name you Thesmophoros and Chloe of Athame. Today I turn your Adelfi against you, for each of them hoped to hold that place. By singling you out, I place you in peril. Today I repeat the blessing of the Pythia, and the curse. I proclaim you shall be the Potnia, if you survive. Today I turn all eyes on you, all judgment. Whether you rise or fall will rest on your every action and word, on the allies and enemies you make." She cackled. "Think of that before you take more pleasures."

"I can only be who I am." Benezia didn't know what to say. "My pleasures are not yours to name, they are not yours to claim."

"I do not seek your pleasures, Koumbara, ripe though you are. I seek the Goddess', but she gives them to you!" Metis' voice seemed full of raw anger and pain.

"I … fear the Goddess," Benezia protested. "I do not desire to take anything from you."

"Then you have no need to fear me." Metis' voice sounded farther away. "Take the robe from the case on the bed and wear it. I'm sending you home under guard to learn how to navigate without your eyes." Benezia's fingers found the metal case left on the bed, with the lid pushed to the side, touched the soft fabric inside. "You are dismissed from your Janiris duties. After the holiday, you and the rest of the Hepta will attend the Pythia, to learn how to control your ... gifts … better. A year from the day of your return, I will make public what I pronounce to the Hepta and the Miterarchy today."

Benezia felt along the robe to find the opening for her head. Even without hearing Metis' footfalls, she knew she had been left alone in the darkness.

* * *

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	16. Like This

_*Thanks for the generous response to the last chapter. Happy Birthday, Cerulean1! This one's for you. I hope it also provides fun distraction for BlackCat3978._

* * *

**Like This**

from Pablo Neruda's _And Because Love Battles_

_…You came to my life  
with what you were bringing,  
made  
of light and bread and shadow …  
Like this I need you…_

* * *

"M'ana, is everything okay?" Eos stroked Aethyta's arm. "You've been distracted since I arrived. Do you mind my coming to share Janiris with you this year? I should have asked."

Aethyta captured Eos' hand and held it against her arm a second before releasing it. "I'm always glad to see you, kiddo." Aethyta had been thinking about Benezia. "It's nothing."

It'd been a couple of days now since she'd woken up on a bench in the Temple, no blindfold, no Benezia, and no one around except Shiala and a few other strangers in Temple robes. Shiala had ignored her when she asked her about Benezia, which Aethyta took to mean that Shiala also didn't know yet, so Aethyta had decided to return to Helix headquarters for the banquet. People were counting on her there. Her heart hadn't been in it, however. After making the rounds and staying a few hours, she'd surprised and probably disappointed her date by saying goodnight and going back to the Temple.

It had taken some convincing, but eventually one of the priestesses had let her back in, late though it was. Making lots of noise rarely failed in uptight places. Once in, Aethyta had refused to budge. Only one entrance meant only one exit, and she intended to see how Benezia was for herself. So while Shiala had waited on one side of the large hall, joined in time by several others, she had waited on the opposite side, alone.

Eventually, Benezia had emerged up the ramp, flanked by four commandos, and wearing some ridiculously sexy almost sheer white robe that had Aethyta shifting uncomfortably on the bench. A gaggle of other priestesses had followed Benezia along with an old matriarch in purple with a strange hat and black staff whom Aethyta guessed must be the hard ass from the night before. They all stopped before the statue of Athame. The matriarch had placed a thin, filigreed diadem of silver with an inset opalescent stone on Benezia's head. Slender chains extended back from the diadem to hold a translucent veil over Benezia's crests. Everyone had bowed at that except Benezia. Aethyta had wondered what the fuck was going on. Commandos and crowns? Religious stuff made no sense. Was Benezia in trouble or not?

When Benezia had turned, Shiala had gone over to her and taken her arm, and one of the other asari who'd been waiting with Shiala had taken Benezia's other, the three "spares" following behind them. That she still needed support suggested Benezia wasn't okay, and Aethyta had frowned with concern. Maybe the guards were taking her to … religious prison or something. Dressed like that, she'd get in no end of trouble. If they did any such thing, Aethyta would march straight up to the old purple hag and demand that she let Benezia go, and if she wouldn't, Aethyta would go yell at the Armali Matriarchy to do something about this religious stupidity. Joining was not a crime, and even matrons could get stuck. It made no sense to punish someone for that. Why didn't Benezia fight them? Judging from her display at Helix, she could take out four commandos without breaking a sweat.

The commandos, the bodyguards and Benezia had started down the aisle, leaving the matriarch and other priestesses at the statue. As they had approached, Aethyta had stood and moved toward the aisle, relieved at the thought of getting to talk to Benezia. But bright-eyed Benezia had looked right through her as if she wasn't even there, and walked past without turning her head again, her expression distant or solemn. Aethyta didn't even know. That was unexpectedly cold. So … Benezia _had _to be in trouble. How could she help if Benezia wouldn't even say boo to her? The whole thing left Aethyta angry. If Benezia wanted to pretend like they hadn't spent a half a day tangled in each other….

"Do you want your egkhelys?" Eos touched the conical phykos wrapper holding Aethyta's favorite treat with her eating sticks. Two had been placed in front of Aethyta in a little stand, but she hadn't touched them. "Or may I take it?"

"Sure, whatever," Aethyta waved dismissively, the fingers of her other hand clenching around the little ceramic cup of potent egras as she hunched farther over on the stool. She and Eos had gone to their favorite ichthys bar to celebrate Eos' impromptu holiday visit.

Eos set her eating sticks down on the glass bar noisily, drawing Aethyta out of her reverie. "Now I know something's terribly wrong. You never share your egkhelys. Hell, you usually never let it last longer than a few minutes. What is it? Are you sick? Is it serious? Why aren't you eating?"

"You said hell…." Aethyta stared in amazement at her daughter. "You never swear." Her daughter seemed to have inherited too much of the politeness of her father's people. Aethyta never tired of ribbing her about how "this one" needed to relax more. The girl's father certainly knew how to—especially one way, in myriad forms. She'd even taught him how to swear, but it had taken a lot to get him to do it. Memories of her former mate inevitably circled to his bioluminescence and that brought her right back to Benezia. The wash of dark energy from Benezia's mind had been amazing, intense, and the experience of having her so deep inside for so long….

"You were right. The other huntresses wouldn't take me seriously. So I'm practicing. I thought you could help." Eos took her hand. "M'ana, talk to me."

"It's not your place to mind my troubles. I've got centuries on you, kiddo. I can sort them out." Aethyta sighed and pulled her hand away. "I'm fine. I'm strong as a krogan…."

"… and ten times as sexy." Eos grinned as she finished the familiar line.

Aethyta smiled and raised her drink to her daughter before taking a sip of the burning liquid. "To us, the Megaras, the indefatigable duo." She put the cup down and surveyed her young daughter's face, the beautiful pinkish-purple markings around her eyes. They were pinker and prettier than Shiala's darker ones. Eos' cheeks were slender and her eyes wide and round with youth. Aethyta felt a surge of affection. "How long can you stay? I thought we could climb Mount Athamanika over the holiday, and camp."

"Really?" Eos loved to climb and to be outside, and her enthusiasm evoked another surge of affection in her mother. "Which peak?"

Aethyta cleared her throat in an attempt to allay her foray into sentimentality. "Katarrachias."

"A worthy challenge." Eos nodded solemnly. "But why not Kakarditsa?"

"Because, Little Hopper, you are only 50, and have barely begun your hunter training."

"But M'ana, I'm doing really well, I'm one of the best in my allos!" Eos leaned forward bringing her nose to almost touch Aethyta's. "Please, Old Hopper!"

Aethyta laughed. "If you do okay scaling this peak, there's still Katafydi before Kakarditsa." Aethyta found herself wondering if Benezia enjoyed camping, or climbing, or anything outdoors. She was probably too hoity-toity for it; she probably avoided getting dirt under her nails.

"There! There you go again!" Eos pounced, getting off her stool and climbing onto Aethyta's lap. "I'm good at reading. My teachers say so. I'm going to sit here until you confess."

Aethyta used to hold, hug and tickle Eos when she was younger until the little one would tell her what was troubling her, so she snorted at the tactic, the reversal. She wrapped her arms around her slender daughter, still just a tiknon, too young as far as Aethyta was concerned to have headed off to huntress training. But Eos had a mind of her own, and a huge stubborn streak she must have gotten from her father. Plus, she had passed every test Aethyta had devised to try to show her she wasn't ready, so eventually Aethyta had let Eos wear her down, had let her go. "You're kind of big for this, kiddo. I hope they teach you scarier tactics in huntress school."

"My ability to read your mind will terrify you," Eos whispered at her, before pressing her forehead to Aethyta's. She hummed for a few minutes, presumably part of the mind reading. "Ah yes, there it is. Janiris is upon us. You need to get laid."

Aethyta jumped up from the stool in surprise, and Eos landed unceremoniously on her bum. "What?! What did you just say?!"

Eos rose, rubbing her butt and laughing. "It's what you always tell your friends when they're sad or bored, and you talk to them by omni."

"Didn't anyone ever teach you it's not polite to eavesdrop?" Aethyta scowled at her, amusement and shock warring in her.

"No, I was raised by barbarians."

"A raging genius." Aethyta bent close to Eos, hands on hips in challenge. "An asari mastermind."

"A hungry psylla." Eos set her jaw and leaned in toward Aethyta menacingly. "A virulent pest."

After a minute, Aethyta shrugged. "I blame your manners on your father."

"You always do, whenever I'm winning." Eos nudged Aethyta after Aethyta settled their bill with the barkeep and the two started walking back to Aethyta's apartment. "But I'm right, aren't I? You need to get some good old-fashioned asari ass…."

"Eos!" Aethyta couldn't believe she was getting this from her innocent tiknon of a daughter. She narrowed her eyes. "Do you have something to tell me? Have you taken an aphrodisia? Because if you want advice about sex, you don't have to be so roundabout."

"I don't think I could take yet another rendition of 'the galaxy is full of beautiful, willing creatures' speech, or another Fornax subscription, or another surprise installment of tentacle porn before my next visit to Kahje. Really, M'ana." Eos rolled her eyes. "This is about you. I'm more than prepared to have safe sex with a near infinite variety of creatures … and plant life."

"The skati are a sentient species, with speech; they aren't plants," Aethyta muttered. "The vid should have made that clear."

"You know I can't get through half of what you send me. Some of it's just … gross." Eos linked arms with Aethyta as they maneuvered along the busy sky way. The sun was setting, and the fluorescent lights buzzed as they came on and cast wild, artificial colors down on the walkway that competed with the brilliant hues of the sunset.

"Well, my mother told me that I'd know I'd done the sex talk right if you thought it was gross. I'd know I had waited too long if you listened quietly. Looks like I did it right." Aethyta pushed aside an asari who had stopped to gawk at the sunset. "Move it, dumbass. This is a walkway, not a vid theater."

"I think I've unraveled the reason why you're so distracted and why you've stayed on Thessia for three whole months." Triumph colored Eos' voice.

"I came for the vote. I told you that."

"And it's over and you're still here, so … who is she? Who are … they?" Eos winked and tugged her arm. "Tell me your steamy, torrid, secret."

"You're my kid, not my confidante," Aethyta replied grumpily.

"You would want me to tell you if I was interested in someone."

"That's different."

"How?"

"This is matron stuff."

"Oh, matron stuff, right, so you're thinking of bonding?! I'm going to have a sister?" Eos let go of her arm and skipped at the thought, getting ahead of Aethyta and skipping back. "I'm going to have a sister!"

"No, hush, not a chance." Aethyta frowned. "It's just this one stupid asari I had a fling with. Nothing more."

"I know for a fact that you have flings all the time, so what's the big deal with this one?"

"It's isn't, it's nothing, it's … complicated."

"She's already bonded complicated or you got her pregnant complicated?"

Aethyta shook her head. "I should never have allowed you to go away to school. It's made you all nosy and know-it-all and ignorant. That's not how asari pregnancy works." They had reached the apartment building, and the doors whooshed open for them. They headed across the gleaming lobby to the elevators. Aethyta had the whole top floor.

"I've never seen you so distracted by anyone before. What's her name? How did you meet?"

"There's probably a biotic ball match on tonight. Maybe one of your favorite teams is playing." Aethyta pushed the button for the penthouse. "Hey, we should get tickets for one of the games while you're here."

"Nice try, but I'm going to keep asking you until you tell. You know I'll do it."

Aethyta put a hand over her face as the elevator dinged off the floors. Eos would do just that, she was sure. The kid could be relentless and sneakier that a room full of horny hanar. "Okay, she's a priestess. That's all I'm going to say."

Eos's eyes widened. "She's … oh! Oh! This is great!" She guffawed. "There _is _a Goddess!" She laughed and laughed until tears streamed down her face. "You hate religion, and now you're totally smitten by a priestess. That's rich. Oh, I'm so glad I came home for this. I wouldn't want to have missed it!" She staggered out of the elevator after Aethyta and through the penthouse doors, which were keyed to their biometrics. "Let me guess, let me guess, you're can't get in her pants because you don't know a thing about Athame!"

Aethyta pursed her lips and headed over to the bar in the big open living room. Floor-to-ceiling windows lined the far side of the room, showing the skyline of downtown Armali and the distant purple of the mountains. She poured herself a stiff drink. If she was going to talk about her love life with her kid, she'd need lots of these.

Eos flopped down on the nearest sofa. "Maybe this year you'll finally go with me to the Janiris service."

"You want anything, kiddo?"

"Nah, just the facts!" Eos patted the seat beside her. "What Temple does she serve at? Want me to pull together some research for you on Athame, on her, get us invites to that Temple's feast night? Dad's diplomatic status should open some doors."

"I hate to burst your bubble, kiddo, but your Enkindler-loving Dad's credentials would probably not open any doors with Athame followers. Their views don't exactly match, and the Athamites aren't known for their tolerance, religious or otherwise." Aethyta joined Eos on the couch. "Just forget I said anything."

Eos leaned forward to regard her for a minute. "Is that what this is about? She learned about your past and spurned you?" She flopped back. "Then good riddance."

Aethyta stared at her glass. "My past is no secret. It's only a matter of time before she hears, if she's curious, but no, she just got what she wanted I guess. End of story."

"She pursued you, slept with you and then dumped you?!" Eos grabbed Aethyta's arm. "I know dangerous people. Do you want me to call in a hit? No one treats my M'a that way!"

"Heh, not exactly, and even if she did," Aethyta shrugged, "it'd only be the universe paying me back for what I've done to … a few others. Your M'ana is not exactly the best example of how to take or treat aphrodisiai. No violence, kiddo, no blame. I'll eventually stop thinking about her." Aethyta activated the vid screen and flipped through the channels. "I'll be fine."

Eos snuggled up against her. "Well, maybe she has a point. You are a smelly, old windbag apostate who gives up easily."

"Hey, I taught you better than that." Aethyta nudged Eos.

"Um, a fetid gasbag of Sarkovian splendor?" Eos asked.

Aethyta sipped her drink, considering. "Not everyone will know a colony died because of the fumes of the Sarkovian gas giant. Try something simpler, more universal, like flatulent and insignificant worm or ignorant and festering pustule."

Eos nodded, snuggling in more. "Those are good."

"I thought so." Finding the game at last, Aethyta relaxed.

Eos, however, was not done with her. "When I'm frustrated in love, I'll just follow your example and give up, because clearly, that's the Megaras way." She didn't look at Aethyta, but innocently stared at the screen.

Aethyta didn't look at her either. "You'd have to _have_ an aphrodisia first, you little interfering egkhelys."

"You love egkhelys, and you keep telling me that my getting an aphrodisia is inevitable. What's the rush?"

"For one, you'd get to be a full huntress. You know they won't pair you until you've mastered the meld."

"Also inevitable. You're missing the point."

"Plus, it feels good." Aethyta pointed at the screen. "Look at Number 3 go! I think she's going to score!"

Eos looked at her now. "_You_ are the only role model I've got, and _you_ always tell me that if I want something, I need to go out and get it, no matter what. So if _you_ want me to believe you, _you_ have to do the same." She looked back at the screen. "And she isn't Number 3, she's Patina Galoria, from Serrice. Nobody calls players by their numbers anymore."

A small grin crooked the corner of Aethyta's mouth. "She's cute."

"Ew, M'a, she's like a quarter of your age, barely a kore!" Eos shoved her arm, then took Aethyta's drink, sniffed it, and sipped it.

After a few minutes, Aethyta reached for it. "Give that back."

"Get your own," Eos said, pushing her hand away.

Aethyta rose and shuffled loudly back to the bar, grumbling, "I thought I had, you thieving little pyjak."

Eos grinned and tilted her head. "And I thought I'd taught you better than that."

* * *

"What's going on?" Shiala finally came to the front door to see what the commotion was about. "The Hepta is trying to …," her eyes narrowed upon seeing Aethyta. "Haven't you done enough? What do you want now?"

Aethyta put her hands on her hips. "What do you think I want? I want to see Benezia."

Shiala dismissed the unfortunate doulous who'd been keeping Aethyta out. "How did you even find this address? It's unlisted."

"It doesn't matter." It took some effort to keep her voice down. "Will you please tell Benezia that I'd like to see her?"

"_Hepta_ Benezia is not receiving visitors." Shiala's tone was icy.

"She'll want to see me."

"Did she request your presence?"

"Did she …" It took even greater effort to keep her temper. "I'm her aphrodisia! I want to see that she's alright."

"If she wanted you to visit, she would have invited you." Shiala frowned. "You are intruding. Go away." Shiala turned to go back inside, nodding to the two commandos who had followed her to take up posts at the door.

Aethyta grabbed Shiala's arm. "Look you insufferable, milkless, blue space COW, you have no right to block me. Just ask her, ask her and see for yourself."

"I was a commando before I took my vows." Shiala half turned. "If you don't release my arm and leave, it will be my pleasure to pound your insolent ass into paste." The two commandos looked at one another, amused by the show.

"And I make weapons for a living, so I'd like to see you try," Aethyta snarled, releasing Shiala's arm and raising her fists. After a morning of frustration, things finally were looking up. "You dirty rachni hole."

A mask of ice dropped over Shiala's face. "I'm more than willing to help you learn the cost of insulting Athame's followers, you pestilent, opportunistic aegia." She shoved Aethyta hard.

With a war cry, Aethyta raised her fist, a biotic whip flashing in her hand for a second before she and Shiala were caught in a stasis field.

Birds sang sweetly in the sudden quiet and the gravel of the path crunched as several people approached. One Aethyta recognized out of the corner of her eye as the priestess who had greeted her and Benezia at the entrance to the Temple. Another was a matriarch, the one who had talked with Benezia the day of the vote, the one now holding them fast.

She spoke, "This is no way to behave on the doorstep of the chosen of Athame."

Aethyta let the biotic whip fizzle out, and the stasis field dropped. "I wish to see Benezia."

"Many do. Few may. Wear your disappointment with more grace, Koumbara." The matriarch condescended so palpably that Aethyta wanted to smear her down the path.

Instead, Aethyta turned to the priestess. "Could you please let Benezia know that I'm here? That I want to see her? That's all I'm asking."

Narissa shook her head. "The claim you make is a private matter, and not one in which I can intervene."

"I have a _right_ to see if she's okay!" Aethyta scowled. "Why will none of you listen?"

Empathy flickered in Narissa's eyes, and she touched Aethyta's sleeve. "Our customs frustrate you, but shouting and fighting will not change them. If it is important to you to see her, find another way, a path that honors you both. She is a public figure, with office hours for receiving visitors. Perhaps you could arrange an appointment."

"I tried! They said her next available appointment is in three months! They asked me to wait so that they could set it up. And then the mother-hating, Batarian-stroking, puddle fuckers put me on hold for 15 minutes before they disconnected the call!" Aethyta shook her fists in the air, her voice rising with her outrage.

Narissa stepped back, blinking at Aethyta's vehemence. "I see I cannot help you," she said sadly.

Aethyta watched Narissa and Shiala escort the matriarch into Benezia's house. A few asari, Narissa's attendants, followed them in. Aethyta fumed. Not receiving visitors her ass! This whole age-ocrachy was a crock. Plenty of asari lived to be matriarchs without an ounce of wisdom or even decency and yet everyone was supposed to defer to them. That and the smug, eezo-hoarding insularity were the two things she most hated about Thessia. It was chock-full of hypocrites. She glared at the commandos, but they wouldn't make eye contact with her. Turning on her heel, she stomped down the front path, noting as she did five rows of rhodon bushes. It annoyed her no end.

When she got back to her hovercar, she hesitated only another minute before she made a call. "Hey. Yeah, it's Aethyta. You still want me to escort you to the Janiris festival? Yeah, I'll do it. What time can I pick you up?"

* * *

"Stop fussing with it." Eos slapped Aethyta's hands away. "You look good."

"I feel like a naked fool." A few thin silver-edged pink strips and pink-edged silver strips crossed her body in strategic places. "I've spilled condiments on myself that covered more than this. I'm going to catch cold."

"It's Janiris, _the_ great celebration of abundance and fecundity, a pageant of thanks to the Goddess for her gifts. All of them." This time Eos smacked Aethyta's bottom. "I'd think it'd be your favorite time of year. Anyway, nobody catches a cold just from being cold. Plus, it will make you all perky."

"Hey, watch it." Aethyta frowned at her as she teetered in her silver high-heeled sandals. "How do you even know these things? You're a tiknon, for crying out loud, a virgin."

"Best virgin ever!" Eos made the victory sign. "Come on, M'a, I was 20 when you gave me my first book on asari erogenous zones, to 'help me with my "home"work.' It had a chapter on ice cubes and erotic uses of cold. Don't you remember?"

"Heh, yeah, that's a good book, great techniques." Aethyta tried to adjust the strips so that they covered at least her nipples. "I hope you've been practicing them. It makes a difference, strengthening some of those muscles."

Eos pulled Aethyta's hands away from her dress and led her toward the brighter lights and bigger mirror in the bathroom. "Stop fussing! _I_ have to go to the service in an hour. That doesn't give us much time to figure out your jewelry and makeup. Are you gonna wear some face paint? Do you want help? I wish I was gonna be here when she picks you up!"

"Easy now, it's been awhile since I wore a pair of these." Aethyta placed the palm of one hand on Eos' shoulder to steady herself as she tried to remember how to walk in the very high heels. "I'd forgotten how much I hate them. We have a civilization billennia upon billennia of years old, but we still haven't figured out how to make good-looking AND comfortable shoes." She looked herself over critically in the bathroom's full-length mirror. Yeah, she still had it. "No, no face paint. I never liked that stuff." She turned and faced her daughter. "This feels all backward. I should be helping you doll up for your date and be the one staying home tonight watching replays of the parade and fireworks via vid while you go plow warm furrows with nubile lovers until all hours."

"You're a matron, not a matriarch. You're old, not ancient." Eos put her hands on her hips and surveyed her mother critically. "You should wear lipstick. You've got gorgeous lips. Maybe just a stripe on your lower lip, to fit in with the Athame lovers?"

"I'm not an Athame lover." Aethyta scowled.

"Everyone's an Athame lover on Janiris, and you're going with your priestess, right? Don't worry. Let me handle this. I have a perfect one, in white, that'd match just right."

"If you're gonna do it, do it in pink." Aethyta looked affectionately at her daughter, bent over to root in her own, lower makeup drawer. The kid was enjoying this more than she did. Where did she get it? Not her, definitely not the kid's dad.

She hoped Benezia would attend the same party, and she'd finally get to talk to her. Chances seemed good, given her date. It'd been a few weeks, and she hadn't heard a thing, not even an inquiry about her health. And yet, she couldn't stop thinking about Benezia, and even worse, she'd started dreaming about her too, and not the good kind, the unsatisfying kind. Benezia's voice would draw her down hallways until she found her tied to a chair, or caught in a net, and just when things were getting good, Benezia would vanish. The rest of the dream, Aethyta'd spend looking for her, some baby crying in the background, and wake up aching and horny as hell.

It annoyed her no end. Why should she start having dreams now, and not even sex ones, and be obsessed about a priestess of all things?! A priestess! These had to be side effects of the long joining. Somehow, when Benezia had gotten unstuck from her, she hadn't gotten unstuck from Benezia. The few more than willing partners Aethyta had tried to console herself with in the meantime had not even come close to scratching her itch. Tonight, she hoped to finally get some answers and maybe some relief.

Eos made a happy chirp as she found what she sought. She straightened and uncapped the paint stick, sliding up on the vanity and kneeling there to reach her mother's mouth easier. "Why pink, M'a, for your dress, I mean? Red is the color of Janiris."

"Because, kiddo," Aethyta placed a hand on each of Eos' knees, to steady her, "ever since you came along, pink is my favorite color."

* * *

Downtown Armali glowed red as the lanterns that lined the public walks. Garlands of white and red flowers graced railings and posts, and some revelers wore only loops of garlands that they'd "liberated." The flowers' musky scent pervaded, intoxicating anyone who breathed it in for long. Aethyta noticed couples and small groups embracing beneath the animal-shaped topiaries or in the more shadowed corners as she escorted Orithia up an avenue to the city's central hall. Giggles and murmurs floated in the air. From midtown, the deep bass beat of the dance halls could be heard like distant thunder, while hovercars whined overhead. With the Temple service and ceremonial feast having ended and the actual feasts and parties just beginning, traffic to nearby drop-off areas flew hot and heavy. Pale petals thrown earlier in the day at the parade swirled by in the breeze, drifting across the path, brushing Aethyta's sandaled feet with their silkiness. If it wasn't for all the excess, she would actually love this time of year, but it was so commercialized and loaded down with so many expectations, it took much of the fun out of it.

As Orithia groped her ass for the fifth time since the hovercar had dropped them off, Aethyta braced herself for a long night. The entrance ramp to the main hall stretched in front of them; soon she would see Benezia. "What's the hurry, kamake?" Orithia plucked at one of Aethyta's dress straps, then used it to pull her into a recess, out of the foot traffic. Orithia's outfit consisted of a long, slightly opaque, tight, sheathe skirt with a matching crop jacket and popped collar. The undercurves of her breasts peeked below the jacket's lower line and her curvaceous midriff was bare, inviting touch.

"I'm hungry."

"Me too," Orithia purred as she swayed Aethyta against the wall. Her hands slipped beneath the straps covering Aethyta's breasts as she pushed against her. "Ever since I saw you blindfolded and kneeling before the Potnia." Leaning in, she sucked on the side of Aethyta's neck, nibbling at the folds.

The knowing touches evoked a strong conditioned response in Aethyta, and she ran her hands up Orithia's back, under her jacket, and around to the front, cupping Orithia's breasts. Might as well get it over with. "You want to do this now, here?"

"For a start."

Aethyta felt Orithia's mind touching hers, seeking entrance, and saw Orithia's blackened eyes. A sudden distaste troubled her. "Not that."

"I want you," Orithia's voice had deepened. Her hands squeezed a little tighter. "Let me in."

"I don't want to hurt you. You saw what happened with Benezia." Aethyta let her hands slide a little lower. "There are other things we can do, deeply satisfying things."

"I know what I want." Orithia's sucking turned to biting. Hard bites. "I never get stuck. I don't have visions distracting me, like Benezia. I want to be inside you, my sweet kamake."

Aethyta frowned, her hands on Orithia's hips. She had known this was part of the deal, but now that the moment had arrived, reluctance had her hesitating. If she wanted revenge on Benezia, what better way? The asari in her arms was more than willing, she was eager, lusciously plump, clearly skilled.

"Orithia?" Benezia and the matriarch from the other day came into view, pausing on the ramp a little ways outside the alcove.

Aethyta froze as Benezia looked their way, then pulled her hands off Orithia as if they'd been burned. Her heart pounded. From shoulder to mid-thigh, all Benezia wore were flowers. Open red bazurita blooms had been glued to her or stuck somehow to her curves, to her …. Was that red body paint underneath? Aethyta felt dizzy just looking at her. Then the realization hit—that _matriarch_ was her _escort_?!

The matriarch only had Benezia's arm resting on hers, but Aethyta didn't like it. "Don't you want to go in?"

Orithia giggled loudly and pressed harder against Aethyta. "Come on, Aethyta, don't stop. I liked what you were doing."

Aethyta could swear that Benezia looked right at her, but Benezia made no sign. Instead she turned back to her companion. "I thought I'd heard Ori call me. I was mistaken."

"Places like these are full of strange echoes. I'm sure we'll find her inside." The matriarch patted Benezia's hand, and the two disappeared up the ramp.

"That's certainly where I'd like to be," Orithia affirmed.

The strange twisty feeling in Aethyta's stomach was just hunger, she decided. Still... "We missed the moment."

Orithia wiggled playfully against her before standing back up when she got no reaction. "I can tell. I'm sure we'll have _many_ other chances. It _is_ Janiris, after all." She held out her arm. "Shall we?"

Orithia led Aethyta to where long tables had been set up in the restaurant area of the main hall, and kept her very busy while they ate, playing footsie with her and letting her hands wander. She even insisted on feeding Aethyta some of the delicacies by hand, making it another excuse to caress and arouse her. Benezia sat farther down at an adjacent table, and Aethyta tried several times to catch her eye when Orithia had been pulled into conversation with others, but Benezia seemed to look right through her. Benezia's escort waited on her hand and foot. It was smoothly, discretely done, but disgustingly attentive and possessive as far as Aethyta was concerned. The matriach practically monopolized Benezia. People would try to address Benezia, and the matriarch would head them off one way or another.

As far as Aethyta could tell, each of the priestesses who had been at the Temple that day had a table to tend, and the mean old bat in charge of them had the head table at the base of the large Athame statue in the center of the hall. Removed as it was from the rest, they could watch what happened at that table over the vid screens set up strategically around the hall. Eventually, when the feast drew to a close, the old bat, in her thankfully concealing crimson robes, stood and lifted a glass. She offered a toast, and then something odd happened. The old bat beckoned the asari sitting beside her, a high-ranking hetera by her garb, to come to her. The hetera knelt before her. The hall grew quiet.

"What's happening?" Aethyta whispered to Orithia.

"The hieros gamos." Orithia whispered back, her eyes peeled to the screen.

"The what?"

"Shhh," whispered the asari on the other side of Aethyta with annoyance. "This is holy."

"Orithia, I don't understand." Aethyta pinched Orithia's side.

"It's the sacred joining rite, dull stone." Orithia looked at Aethyta with exasperation.

"Which is?"

"The Potnia and the Hetera join to ensure another year of abundance, of course. Didn't you go to school?"

Aethyta pursed her lips. "They didn't cover that at my school." Or the inane, or the pornographic, she thought to herself. Only one of those she regretted. "They're joining in front of everyone?"

"That's the point," Orithia muttered at her through clenched teeth. "It can be symbolic, but usually they actually join. It's a sacred union with the Goddess."

It was the stupidest thing Aethyta'd ever heard. How could Benezia believe this crap? She glanced over and noticed that Benezia alone didn't seem to be watching the view screens. That mollified Aethyta somewhat. "If they're joining, why is the non-priestess one kneeling?"

"The Potnia chooses how they'll do it. She represents the Goddess. The Hetera represents us, receiving the Goddess' gifts. She kneels to acknowledge her lower status."

"Yeah, I got that last part. It's just..."

"SHHHHHH!" This time the shushing came from farther down the table.

"Is she going to _service_ her? In front of everyone? Really?!" Aethyta's lip curled. Matriarch porn would never be on her list of things to watch.

"WILL you _please_ stop talking?" Orithia hissed at Aethyta.

Annoying Orithia didn't bother Aethyta. It gave her a reprieve from the very distracting heavy petting. "Have they done it yet? I can't tell." Aethyta had never thought joining could be made boring, yet here it was. Trust religion to muck even that up. "How long will this take?" Aethyta yawned.

Orithia glared at her.

Almost as soon as Aehtyta asked that last question, she saw the old bat's eyes flash black and the kneeling hetera's neck and back arch. It looked painful. A few minutes later, the hetera collapsed. The old bat lifted the hands that had held the sides of the hetera's head, and dark energy streamed around them. The lights bathing the statue behind her shifted from purple to red, as did all the hall lights. "Oh. Nevermind. That was a quickie."

Orithia's elbow grazed Aethyta's side.

With surprisingly fast long strides, the old priestess headed down the long hall and exited out the side ramp. A few minutes later, the red lights dimmed and an orchestra struck up dance music. Immediately, the mood in the hall changed from somber to festive. People began to get up from the tables and mill about. Those closest to Aethyta all seemed to head down the stairs from the restaurant area to the lower wide paths rather quickly, to talk to others, and some, to dance.

"I thought there were many heterai. Why this one?" Aethyta felt grateful the display hadn't preceded the meal. It would have put her off the food.

"That wasn't just any hetera, it was _the_ Hetera, the Chief Consort." Orithia stared at Aethyta in frustration. "Everybody knows that!"

"Until the old, uh, supreme priestess thingee..."Aethyta searched for the proper term.

"Potnia!" Orithia blurted out.

"Right, did the Potnia kill her?" It troubled Aethyta that the vid screens had switched off while the Hetera was still on the ground. She didn't seem okay, and the old crone who'd left her there was the one with power over Benezia? Aethyta frowned.

"Go get me a drink. Please." Orithia seemed to have developed a headache. She was massaging her forehead with her fingers.

Glad to be excused, Aethyta rose and headed back into the restaurant area toward the bar. She would have gone right over to Benezia, but a small crowd had already gathered around her. Well, even without that dress ... hmm, now there was an idea.

The line at the bar took forever. When Aethyta returned, the tables were cleared off. She went to the top of the steps in the restaurant area, overlooking the rest of the floor. After scanning for a few minutes, she finally located Benezia and Orithia. Benezia was dancing with her matriarch joke of a date and Orithia was down by the sunken tables in the pool area, splashing water on another asari and laughing. Aethyta took one of the drinks she was carrying and swallowed it in one gulp, setting the empty glass down on the top step. Then she headed for Benezia, making an effort to stay in the matriarch's blindspot.

When she'd gotten somewhat close behind the matriarch, she used a little biotic help to surreptitiously spill the other drink she was carrying all over the matriarch's ass. The matriarch released Benezia and spun around. "Who dares?!" She pulled up short at the sight of Aethyta.

"You probably should take care of that, or it will leave a nasty stain. You'll look like you wet yourself," Aethyta advised helpfully. "I saw the whole thing. Do you want me to tell you who did it?"

The matriarch's eyes narrowed. "That will not be necessary."

"The facilities are right up that ramp over there." Aethyta pointed to the far side of the room.

The matriarch turned to Benezia.

Aethyta stepped in nimbly, offering Benezia her hand. "I can … keep her entertained while you're gone. Kali Janiris, Benezia."

"Aethyta?" Benezia turned to her, but made no move to take her hand. Aethyta scowled.

"Benezia, would you accompany me?" The matriarch touched Benezia's arm.

"No, I'm fine here." Benezia pulled away from the matriarch.

Aethyta smiled. "May I have this dance?"

Benezia nodded.

With a grin, Aethyta swooped in, taking Benezia's hand in her own and placing her other hand on Benezia's hip. It was like touching her naked, and it set Aethyta's imagination on fire. They moved together into the dance, easily finding a shared rhythm.

"You look amazing, Benezia." Even to her own sense of hearing, Aethyta's voice sound low and gruff. "I want to peel those blossoms off you with my teeth."

"Please don't. I'm concerned about them falling off as it is," Benezia responded lightly. Aethyta wasn't sure, but she thought that Benezia was trembling. It was barely noticeable, unless she focused. "How have you been?"

"How can you just ask that?!" Aethyta blinked as nearby dancers looked over at them and realized she'd spoken rather loudly. "I mean, there's been no indication that you even _cared_ since that last …."

"Aethyta…."

"I thought that after what we'd been through together that I had earned the right to at least _some_ concern from you. I didn't think you'd just discard me like a used wrapper." Aethyta glared at the people staring at them, and guided Benezia through a turn that allowed her to put her back to them.

Benezia had turned her head away. They danced in silence for a few moments.

"_Say_ something!"

With the gentlest of pressure, Benezia squeezed Aethyta's shoulder. "Please forgive me. It was unkind of me not to be in touch, not to make sure personally that you were okay."

"Someone told you that I was?"

"It doesn't matter. I should have asked before now, but I didn't, and now I have the opportunity."

"_You_ have the …."

"I really want to know. Are you alright?" Benezia moved a little closer, causing Aethyta's body temperature to spike as their breasts made contact. "Were you … hurt in any way?"

The words, the contact of their skin, they were what Aethyta had wanted, but Benezia kept looking over Aethyta's shoulder, which seemed to belie these gestures. "Why won't you even look at me?!" Aethyta stopped dancing. "Am I so beneath you? You waiting for me to kneel down before you?" She flung Benezia's hand down, shrugged Benezia's other hand off her shoulder and stepped away.

Benezia froze. "Aethyta."

"I'm done!" Aethyta turned to go.

"I can't see." Benezia's voice was low, but intense. It got through. "Please don't leave. I won't be able to follow you."

A nearby asari approached Benezia. "Hepta, can I assist you? Is this guest bothering you?"

"Get lost!" Aethyta said, stepping back to Benezia and taking her hand again. "Well, what are you waiting for? I said beat it!"

"Thank you, I'm fine." Benezia let her hand rest in Aethyta's, but resisted going back into Aethyta's arms. "Please, Aethyta, take me to a railing."

Aethyta led Benezia out of the dance area and over to the nearest railing. After placing Benezia's hands on the railing, she waved one of hers in front of Benezia's eyes. Benezia didn't blink. Aethyta frowned. Benezia really couldn't see. "What happened?"

"I asked about you. Are you dealing with … side effects too? Why won't you tell me?" Benezia felt along the railing for Aethyta, and touched her arm.

"You mean ... this happened that night?! That's why you didn't talk to me in the Temple the next morning?!"

"You were there?"

"I waited all night. I was afraid you were in trouble. I wanted to help. You looked right at me, then walked past." Aethyta brought her fist down on the rail, making the whole thing ring and shudder. "I've been such an idiot!"

Benezia let her hand slide down to Aethyta's, to where it clenched the rail. The contact calmed Aethyta. Silence drew out between them. "You came with Orithia?"

Aethyta nodded, then remembered. "Yeah."

Benezia blinked a few times. "She's a very generous person."

"That's one way to put it," Aethyta muttered.

Benezia bit her lip. "I hope she will appreciate all your qualities. There's a lot to you." It seemed to take her some effort to say so.

Aethyta wanted to trace the outlines of the flowers on Benezia's breasts, to hear her moan again, not talk about Orithia. Touch would probably be even more intense for Benezia now. "What are they doing about it?"

"About?"

"Your not being able to see. What do they think it is?"

"They're not sure, maybe biotic coronas. They say it will clear up on its own eventually or …." Benezia looked away.

Aethyta had seen her quick swallow though. "Have your driver bring you by the lab. We can try some things. In the very least, I could invent some way for you to use your biotics to see. There's eezo in everything here." She leaned back on the rail, considering the possibilities, and noticed the matriarch returning to the hall. "Oh crap, your drakon is back." She turned back around to face the other way.

"My what?"

"The matriarch guarding you. Shit, she's seen us." Aethyta tugged on Benezia's arm. "Let's hide."

"You know she's my escort this evening." Benezia held the rail. "I will not 'hide'."

Aethyta looked at Benezia. She'd been in Benezia's mind, after all, but Aethyta kept the thought that Benezia hid most of the time to herself. "You're no fun sometimes."

"So I've gathered." Benezia gave a faint smile.

"Act natural, she's almost here." Aethyta stared up at the ceiling.

"Benezia?" The matriarch's carefully modulated tones annoyed Aethyta no end.

Turning toward the sound, Benezia gestured to where she thought Aethyta stood. "Mitera Terilene, forgive me for not introducing you earlier, this is …."

"We've met." Aethyta glared at the matriarch, heedless of her rudeness.

"Have we?" The matriarch placed a far too familiar hand on Benezia's shoulder. Aethyta didn't like the way she looked at Benezia, like she was planning on devouring her. The thought made Aethyta's gorge rise. "It didn't make an impression." The matriarch gave Aethyta the evil eye.

Benezia made a small choking sound. "Terilene, I find I'm terribly parched." Benezia touched her throat. "Could you please get me a drink?"

The matriarch raised an eye marking, not taking her eyes off Aethyta. "Of course."

Aethyta really enjoyed watching the matriarch head back toward the restaurants. "Heh, heh, good one. That ought to take her a long time."

"Aethyta," Benezia said softly, turning to face out over the rail, as if she could actually see what lay on the other side of the railing. "You never answered my question. I'm concerned."

"About side effects?" Aethyta took a deep breath. "I've not been able to stop thinking about you, you pushing deep inside me and exploding with dark energy. Sometimes it's like you're still there. You're even in my dreams. _My_ side effects?" Aethyta laughed. "When I saw you tonight, my heart skipped beats. I shivered when you spoke my name. When we touched ..." She drew closer to Benezia and slid her hand along Benezia's forearm, allowing her thumb to graze the side of Benezia's breast, reveling in Benezia's slight lifting of her chin of response. Aethyta inhaled Benezia's scent mixed with the bazurita warmed by her skin. Maybe she'd leave some of them on Benezia. "You really have the most amazing breasts. I don't know why we kept our clothes on last time. Let's go somewhere and remedy that. That's what I want."

Benezia bowed her head and put her hand over Aethyta's, stopping its caresses. "Aethyta, I don't know what to say."

"How about what you told me in the Binary Helix banquet hall?" Aethyta grinned.

Benezia covered her eyes with her hand. "You're not like any other asari I've ever met. Your kindness the other day was," Benezia paused as she lowered her hand, searching for the words, "a revelation, as was the privilege of," she paused again, "sharing so much of yourself." She turned at last toward Aethyta. "You move me. As you no doubt know, I've greatly enjoyed our times together." She took a deep breath. "However ..." Her fingers stilled, as she stopped and gathered herself. "I don't ... I don't see a future for us. If we continue down this path, I fear it will only bring us both more pain."

"More?" Aethyta was suddenly glad that Benezia couldn't see her. "Who said ... ?" Aethyta pulled her hand from Benezia's and looked away for a moment, before she looked back. "I'm not asking you to bond with me. I just want to spend time with you. The kind of intimacy we had doesn't just go away after the joining ends. It needs a context, more of one than we've had." She turned toward Benezia. "I can't just pretend it didn't happen! This is not a good way to leave it." Aethyta wasn't sure, but she thought Benezia's face had flushed a little too. "If we joined again..."

"You came with Orithia!"

"Not technically, not yet..."

Benezia gestured Aethyta to stop. For a long moment she looked away, before turning back and replying softly, "Don't hold back on my account. I won't be joining with anyone anytime soon. Certainly not this Janiris, not after what happened with us."

"Good," Aethyta said under her breath.

"Aethyta!" Benezia frowned, her temper rising quick and hot. "I do not belong to you!"

Aethyta wished she could keep from admiring the effect Benezia's anger had, with her quickened breathing, her parted lips. She knew it shouldn't turn her on more, but it did. And it didn't help. "I know you don't, but that matriarch is a pompous pile of walking ... noserot with a tree stuck up her ass!" Aethyta pointed toward where the matriarch had gone, then remembered and dropped her hand, and her voice. "She's a cold, old witch!"

"That matriarch represents the Serrice Matriarchy, one of the largest and wealthiest on all Thessia! She's a guest of Armali; she deserves respect." Benezia's eyes flashed with anger.

"Is _that_ what this is about? Money, power, position? She wants you and not even Janiris AND therme madness could excuse it! Benezia, she's ancient! She's a matriarch! Why would you want that?! She's as much fun as a funeral. There have to be millions of matrons available right now on Thessia alone, and a whole galaxy of better contenders among the different species."

"Millions of ... species?" Benezia closed her eyes again and pinched the bridge of her nose. "You don't understand…. Terilene has offered me..."

"NO!" Benezia's comfortable use of the matriarch's name reminded Aethyta of the humiliating day spent on Benezia's doorstep, and Aethyta's anger suddenly flared as well. "You know what? You're right, I don't understand, and I don't want to!" Aethyta's mouth felt very dry. She wrenched her hand off the rail. "Good luck, Benezia, and goodbye." It was her moment to storm off, but she couldn't bring herself to leave. This felt all wrong.

"Kali spera, Benezia." Orithia had approached, and Aethyta jumped guiltily at the sound of her voice. "Please excuse me, but you have _my_ date, and I've a bottle of glow paint with her name on it. Give my regards to your ... matriach." She giggled and took Aethyta's arm and led her away. The last Aethyta saw Benezia, she had turned and held the rail with both hands.


	17. What Would I Do

**What Would I Do**

from Samuel Beckett's _what would I do without this world_

_what would I do without this world faceless incurious  
where to be lasts but an instant where every instant  
spills into the void the purposelessness of having been  
without this wave where in the end  
body and shadow together are engulfed  
what would I do without this silence where the murmurs die  
the pantings the frenzies towards succour towards love  
without this sky that soars  
above its ballast dust_

* * *

Rachel clutched her rucksack strap so tightly her hand turned white. She'd been over Leyne's before since the day of the fight, but not like this, not overnight, and not for a whole week. Climbing onto Leyne's bus behind her felt almost like heading off to a new colony. Her knees wobbled a little. She would have preferred to walk it, but since Leyne's friends had told them that the Gitlan boys regularly hung out along the route, and her ankle was still pretty weak, they were taking the bus.

More than a few of their classmates stared at Rachel as she awkwardly maneuvered down the aisle. Her rucksack was fairly full, and so was the bus. Some stares seemed hostile, some curious, but the sudden stilling of chatter and energy at the end of a Friday school day as they boarded said it all. Rachel tried not to make eye contact.

It'd been a month, and everything had changed. People knew her name now, and they had figured out about Mindoir. Most actively avoided her. Few would talk to her. The troublemakers showed her grudging respect, but some teachers now required her to sit in the front in their classes. She'd become notorious in exactly the way she'd not wanted, and Leyne, by associating with her, experienced it too.

Being on crutches hadn't helped. It'd made her slower and more noticeable. By the time the school nurse had treated her ankle, the day after the fight, it'd been unrecognizable, purple and shiny and grotesquely swollen, somehow less painful, but slow to heal. Only a few days ago, she'd finally gotten off the crutches.

Since the fight, a new routine had started. She and Leyne had been given detention for a month, Dr. Leven telling them they were lucky not to be expelled. She'd also been stuck with daily appointments with Dr. Goldberger, so had no more free periods. The only good things that had come out of the whole experience were that there'd been no sign of the Gitlans, and she now had a friend.

Leyne had invited her over every Saturday since, and she'd gone. They'd hang out, often in Leyne's room, sometimes doing homework. One time, Leyne's father had tried to teach Rachel the right way to make tea, going on about the difference between hard and soft boils, while he'd had them listen to old music. Another time, she'd taught Leyne how to make bread without a bread machine. In the evenings, they'd watch vids until late. When Rachel picked, it'd mostly involve subtitled works produced by other species, like _Blasto to the Future, _the salarian _Sigma 8 Science Squad_ adventure series or early movies about humans that left them rolling on the floor at some of the misconceptions. When Leyne picked, it'd be cheesy asari inter-species romances and tragedies or the occasional nature specials or documentary. If batarians showed up at any point, Rachel would leave the room, and Leyne would turn off the vid. Regardless of what they did, Leyne's mother checked on them constantly.

Rachel wasn't sure if anticipation of constant surveillance or actually spending the night, all those nights, lay behind her great dread about the spring break week. Not like she'd had much choice. Dr. Goldberger had arranged for Simon to go to some special rehab clinic in New Albuquerque, MX, far, far away, and Dr. Goldberger had been against her staying at the house alone with the dogs for the week. Nothing Rachel had told her about the things she'd done on her own since long before she was 17 had convinced the doctor otherwise. So here she was, on her way to Leyne's for a whole week.

Ever since the night of the fight, Dr. Goldberger had had a thing about the dogs. Thunder and Lightning had been almost impossible to call off, even when offering them food, because they could smell Rachel's blood. She'd suggested Leyne and Dr. Goldberger wait outside, and they had. Then she'd had to wrestle and sit on Lightning, the alpha, before either dog could be gotten back into their cages. More embarrassing had been the amount of time it took to wake Simon. Eventually she'd resorted to burning some newspaper under his nose, which had gotten him up screaming and shouting. Dr. Goldberger had stepped back in then, and Rachel'd had to introduce them and explain how he'd been a friend of her parents, and lost his girls, and they'd been put together when no one else came to claim her. It had felt like wading through broken glass.

Leyne found a seat somewhere toward the back of the bus, and Rachel slid in beside her. They exchanged a look. Neither felt like talking. Their detention together had sealed their friendship, and they'd had plenty of time to learn each other's moods. This first day without detention, both felt some strain. They'd been unusually quiet, no marginalia in French class, no jokes in advanced physics. Some of it had been the sense that they'd soon have all week to talk, some of it fatigue at dealing with all the attention.

"Hey, Leyne, is it true Don and Randy caught you going down on the new girl in the locker room, and that's what the fight was about? That's what I heard." Steve Allred, a senior, pothead, and one of Dirk Gitlan's friends, sat three rows behind them, almost at the back.

"Don't be such a dick, Dirkwad." Leyne didn't bother to turn around.

"Why not? You used to know what to do with them." Some of the other guys sitting in the back snickered at Steve's comeback.

Rachel slowly turned around and glared at Steve. The hoverbus shimmied as it lifted off and buzzed down the school's drive. "_I_ know what to do with them, Steve." She kept her voice low.

Steve had the grace to look a little nervous, but quickly regained his bravado. "Oh really, why don't you come show me?" More laughs.

"It's not worth it, Rach," Leyne whispered to her. "We just got out of detention. If we get in trouble again so soon, they'll expel us for sure. He knows that. I should have just ignored him."

"I'd be happy to, Steve." Rachel got up, and pulled free when Leyne tried to yank her back down to their seat by her shirt. Walking down the swaying aisle, Rachel leaned against the side of the seat in front of Steve. "See, what I do with them is cut them off." She kept her eyes on Steve's, her expression blank, her voice intense. She leaned in. "And then … I feed them to my dogs."

Steve stared back at her, blinking, his eyes darting nervously to where her left hand rested in her pocket.

"You don't interest me though, Steve. You know why? The dogs wouldn't be able to find something so small." Rachel stared at him a few more minutes, while his buddies laughed uneasily at the burn, then sauntered back to her seat. They weren't far from Leyne's house. Soon they'd get a break from this.

Leyne's house couldn't be more different from hers. The big, old, restored Victorian, a historical landmark, had lots of rooms and corners and so much space. Rachel had never been in a house so large, or so fancily decorated with quilts, ceramics and antique furniture. It was the opposite of colonial life, or what her life had become since, with no room for anything fragile.

The night of the fight, Leyne had come back in when the shouting stopped and had gone with Rachel to her room while the adults talked, had looked around at its few pieces of scruffy, cast-off furniture, its lack of decoration or clutter, her three outfits, and said nothing. Rachel had even seen her notice the pale grooves in the floor from where Rachel would push her bureau against her door at night; and the big blue Alliance locked steamer trunk shoved in the corner, with its white, stenciled reflective paint label reading PROPERTY OF RACHEL SHEPARD, MINDOIR, TERMINUS SYSTEMS. Rachel hadn't said anything either, but had sat on the bed, hunched over, fingering the jagged rips in her hoody, her eyes burning with the realization that this one prized possession had been badly, maybe irrevocably, damaged. Leyne had sat beside her, hands on her knees, until Leyne's parents had arrived. Rachel had hobbled outside with her and watched with a small knot in her stomach as they hugged and kissed their daughter, fussing over her, smoothing her hair down, exclaiming over her ripped clothes and dirty face. After Leyne had talked to them, they'd come over and thanked her for "saving their baby," and then they'd left. She'd gone back to her room. The mutter of voices in the living room had finished soon after, and then Dr. Goldberger had said goodbye to her through her bedroom door, and it had been terribly quiet. The dogs had whimpered and snarled a little. Simon had shuffled heavily around. With great difficulty, Rachel'd managed to barricade her door, and wait for morning.

When Rachel got back to their seat, Leyne turned and whispered to her. "Why did you do that? You just make things worse."

"Bullies don't go away if you ignore them." Rachel shrugged. "They're like dogs. They only hurt people if they think they're stronger and can get away with it."

"And what happens after you become the biggest one of them?" Leyne's mouth had a hard, angry line, but she actually looked worried. "Aren't you tired of being in trouble yet?"

Rachel frowned. "Everybody has to stick up for themselves. Otherwise other people will walk all over them."

"Or drive over 'them' because 'they' escalated the violence."

"That's not fair! They would have hurt you in the locker room if I hadn't done something, and they would have beaten us both up if I hadn't challenged John to a fight! It's not my fault they tried to run us over!"

"Just don't fight anyone else for my sake, because I don't like it!" Leyne's whole face had a fierce, determined aspect.

Even though Rachel had only known Leyne for a month, she had already learned the pointlessness of continuing a conversation once Leyne looked like that. "Okay, I got it. I'm sorry I stuck up for you. Now can we please stop talking about it?" The disagreement with Leyne made the prospect of a week over at her house more nerve-wracking

Leyne muttered something about doubting it and watched out the window.

As the bus stopped and started, dropping students off, and their destination drew closer, Rachel finally broke the silence. "I don't think I can take staying at your place if you're going to be angry at me the whole time."

Leyne looked at her. "I thought you liked hanging out with me."

"I do when you're not angry with me. I'm nervous about staying so long. I don't think your mom likes me."

"She just doesn't know you yet. She'll relax eventually." The bus squeaked to a halt, and Leyne stood. "This is us."

Rachel thought she might throw up before they even got off the bus. The aisle seemed exceptionally long as she limped down it. She thanked the bus driver before clumping down the steps, joined by Leyne. The bus sealed back up, and lifting again in a swirl of dust and buzz, left. Rachel stood on the sidewalk, watching the bus dwindle into the distance down the road.

Leyne headed up to the tall security gate. "Are you coming?"

Feet rooted, Rachel nodded. As Leyne finished entering the security code, she caught up with her. With a buzz, the gate released its lock, and Leyne pulled it open. "Why wouldn't your mom like me? Does she blame me for the fight/car thing too?" Both hands clutched her rucksack strap as she slipped through the gate and watched Leyne pull it shut.

Leyne shrugged. "She thinks you're a lesbian. She's afraid you'll seduce me or something."

"She…" Rachel paused, "what!?" This possibility hadn't occurred to her. She'd thought Leyne's mother had somehow sensed that she didn't belong with good people, or deserve a normal life or normal friends.

"I don't know what her problem is." Leyne started walking briskly up the long curving drive, Rachel trailing a little behind. "She's so afraid that I'll get pregnant and not finish high school, you'd think she'd _want_ me to be a lesbian, or to be with one. At least then I wouldn't accidentally get pregnant."

"I don't seduce people," Rachel muttered, a little outraged at Leyne's mom's perception of her as some kind of sexual predator.

Leyne stopped, and regarded Rachel, her head tilted, her datapads held against her chest. "You _are_ a lesbian?"

"I thought you…. You're the one who…. What does it matter?" Rachel shifted uncomfortably from one foot to another. "I've had a girlfriend, but I don't think that makes me a lesbian. At least, I don't know if it does." Rachel blushed furiously. "Anyway, it's not like it's contagious or anything."

"You've never had a boyfriend or been with a boy?" Leyne's look was appraising.

"I've had boyfriends." Rachel shrugged. "Kissing them bored me, and I never wanted more than that. Why, have you?"

This time, Leyne blushed. "Maybe." She turned and started walking briskly up the steep, winding drive again. The house could be seen at the top of the hill. "I don't want to talk about it."

Rachel frowned as she hurried along behind her, limping a little on the steep incline. "So you get to ask me, but I don't get to ask you?"

There were tears in Leyne's eyes when she spun around to face Rachel. "It happened at a party. I was drunk, and I didn't want it to happen, but I didn't stop it either. Happy now? Are we even now?"

Rachel's face scrunched up, reflecting Leyne's expression. "I'm … I'm so sorry, Leyne." She reached out tentatively and wiped away one of the tears falling down Leyne's cheeks. "I didn't know." She felt like a total jerk.

"Well now you do, Rachel Shepard. Now you know why Dirk Gitlan thought I'd 'put out,' why Steve Allred knows he can talk to me like that. Everybody knows about it." Leyne batted Rachel's hand away and stared at her defiantly. "Now you know why you shouldn't fight for my supposed 'honor.'"

"If you tell me his name, I'll beat him up for you, if you want." Rachel offered tentatively. She didn't know what else to say. "He's the one who should be ashamed, not you. What he did to you was wrong." She stepped a little closer to Leyne. "He's the one who doesn't have any honor."

"And what would it change? Violence doesn't solve anything. It can't change the past." Leyne sniffed loudly and wiped away her tears angrily. "Idiot."

Rachel crossed her arms in front of her. "Don't call me names. He should suffer for hurting you. I mean it."

"No, you don't, and I wouldn't hang out with you if you did. I watched you in the fight. You never hit him, not even when he deserved it and you had the chance. You're a big fake." Leyne stuck out a hip, daring Rachel to contradict her, her grip on her datapads relaxing a little. "It's one of the things I like about you."

"I am a fake, just not that way." Rachel looked at the ground, tears building in her eyes. Her words came out very softly. "Your friendship is important to me, but it isn't real if it's based on lies."

"Okay, so you trashed their truck. Still…." Leyne dismissed that possible argument.

Rachel hesitated. This was something she hadn't told anyone, except for her rescuer, but Leyne had trusted her with a secret, and it seemed only fair to do the same. "On Mindoir, I…."

Leyne got very quiet at the mention of Mindoir, tightening her hold on her datapads.

Rachel's expression, as she looked at Leyne briefly before staring back at the ground, was very pained. "You should know … I've … I've," her voice dropped to a whisper, "I've done horrible things. I've killed … people. I'm a bad person."

Neither moved. The cool spring breeze rustled in the dry grass. It carried the smell of cool, damp earth and rotted leaves.

"I … looked up Mindoir," Leyne confessed eventually. "I've read about what happened there." She cleared her throat. "I hope you don't mind, it's just, after that day, when I saw your house, and the trunk, and you'd acted so weird and everything…."

"Everyone at school has too by now," Rachel said bitterly, still staring at the ground, her hands twisting the one strap over her shoulder. The bag weighed heavily there. Her ankle ached from the unaccustomed exercise of the long day. "It doesn't matter."

"I can't imagine." Leyne cleared her throat. "I mean, how horrible it must have been. So few survived. I'm glad you did."

Rachel's face scrunched up again, as jagged memories flashed through her mind, her mother's splayed body, Isaac's look of surprise as he slid down the side of the building, Julia's terrible screams. Julia.

Leyne stepped up to Rachel and put a hand tentatively on her arm. Rachel flinched by didn't shake her off. "I know you're a good person, Rachel Shepard. I can tell these things. Whatever happened on Mindoir didn't change that." Leyne cleared her throat again. "Come on, let's go home and have some tea. Let's do something fun. You're going to have fun this week. You'll see."

Rachel stopped twisting the strap, and nodded, still not looking up.

Leyne started back up the drive.

Rachel glanced up at the huge house. She squared her shoulders and slowly followed.

* * *

Leyne grinned at her. "Well, what do you think?" Leyne had led her up into the attic, to a big open space where the wooden beams showed as they rose to the peaks and gables far above their heads. The brick of the central fireplace formed a column in the middle, and the room stretched out to little windows on all four sides. In one of these a big bed with a shiny brass headboard and footer waited in the light streaming in that window. A handmade quilt with blue, green, yellow and white rosette panels covered the bed, and a small, blue-stained bureau stood a few feet away from the foot of the bed.

Rachel blinked back tears as she walked over and ran a hand along the bureau and then went and touched the bed. "I get to sleep here?"

"I knew you'd like it!" Leyne went over and sat on the bed, glowing with pride. "I picked out the quilt and stained the bureau myself, and look!" She flipped a switch by the bed once and a really bright light chased away all the shadows by the side of the bed. "I remembered!"

Rachel stared out the window for a moment, to hide wiping her nose quickly on the back of her sleeve. "Thank you." She carefully set her rucksack down on the floor, and stood, hands thrust in her pockets.

"It's your room whenever you want to stay." Leyne bounced up and down on the mattress. "The bed's old and noisy, but I think it will still be comfortable. Come check it out. The mattress is a little hard, but there's a down comforter under the quilt that's soft and you can take off if you get too warm."

"That's okay. I'll take your word for it." Rachel swiped her eyes quickly with her sleeve too.

* * *

Serving spoons clinked in the dishes as Leyne's dad passed them. Leyne's mom filled all their glasses before sitting down. Their large wooden table took up a good part of the dining room, and there were chairs for four more people. Clearly, they'd been used to larger family meals. Rachel could tell by how much Leyne's mom cooked, and the easy feel among them. One of Leyne's older sisters was away at college and the other two had moved out already.

"So, girls, how does it feel to finally have finished your detention?" Leyne's father, Hank, had a big mustache and big round face. He was tall and balding. "I hope you learned your lesson. No more fights!"

"I'm just glad it's spring break, and that for a few days, we don't have to do homework." Leyne took the casserole dish from Rachel, helped herself to it, and passed it to her mom.

"We're glad to have you with us," Leyne's mom, Diana, told Rachel as she passed the green beans to her. "I know Leyne's really been looking forward to this week. She set up the attic herself for you. Do you like it?"

Rachel nodded, passing the rolls over to Leyne.

"Tell us a little about yourself, Rachel. We haven't talked that much, since Leyne always had plans for the short times you were here. What kinds of things matter to you?" Hank smiled at her and took a bite.

Rachel looked up from her plate. "I …" Rachel cleared her throat. "I really like poetry." She glanced out the window. Panic clawed at her. Outside the sun set slowly. "Liked. I used to…. There were…." She stared at the lines of the tablecloth, counted them, touched her glass, shifted in her seat.

"Let the girl eat, Hank. You promised to tell me about work." Diana smiled at Rachel before turning to her husband. "She can tell you later."

The ringing in Rachel's ears grew louder. The whole sitting down to dinner and sharing thing reminded her of things she tried very hard to forget. It hurt too much to remember. Her hands gripped the edge of the table, as if the room would tilt and slide away if she let go.

"Rach? Ray?" Leyne's leg brushed hers under the table. "You okay? You're acting funny again."

"Could you pass the pitcher, Leynie?" Diana asked.

Taking the napkin off her lap, Rachel balled up the white cloth and put it on the table before pushing her seat back with a loud squeak. "May I please be excused? I need to use the bathroom."

Diana and Hank exchanged a glance, and Hank nodded slightly.

"Of course, Rachel," Diana said.

Rachel had gotten part way up the stairs, when she heard Diana speak again.

"No, you may not be excused, Leyne."

"But Mom!"

"You know the psychologist said she could have difficulty adjusting…"

"She's my friend!"

"Your mother's right. This is a big step. You can check on her when you've finished your dinner, and helped with the dishes, if she hasn't come back by then." Leyne's father's voice faded to a rumble as Rachel hurried up the remaining stairs. Her ears burned with her embarrassment.

Up in the attic, she left the light off. For some reason, the dark didn't bother her. The smell of mothballs and musty wood and dust didn't remind her of any place she'd ever been. It was like being inside a giant trunk. She curled up in a ball on the floor beside the bed and cried and cried, long tearless sobs, arms wrapped tightly around herself.

* * *

_Motes of dirt hung suspended in the water, giving it a golden cast. Rachel didn't know why she'd gotten out of the boat and into the water. She could see the silty river bottom sloping away beneath her, out of reach. The water glowed brightly and all around her floated a forest of evenly spaced pale, white bodies, limbs dangling down, swaying in the current. She swam toward a woman's body. The hair around the woman's head swayed back and forth like lake weed, brown and thin. She reached out to grab her arm and the skin sloughed off under her grip. She recoiled in horror, but not before glimpsing the woman's opalescent eyes wide and staring unseeing at her. Everywhere she turned, bodies blocked her way, silent, slowly rocking, pale and cold. Somehow she had to get them out of the water. Somehow she knew them all._

_Then she stood on the side of a cliff, fat pieces of broken glass mixed with fat pebbles, bottle caps and rusted nuts on a dusty trail beside the long drop. The scene shifted to the valley, where her home burned, everyone inside screaming and screaming and somebody shouting her name._

"Rachel! Rachel! Wake up!" Hands clutched her upper arms and shook her. She was already sitting up. Finally the high, terrible, desperate screams stopped. Slowly, Leyne's scared face came into focus, Leyne's parents hovering behind her. "You're having a nightmare."

Rachel panted heavily, her body slicked with sweat.

"I know the psychologist said this was possible," Leyne's father muttered, "I didn't know it could be this bad."

Rachel looked around in panic. "Where am I?" she croaked, her throat tight and sore.

"You're at my house. I made you a room in the attic, remember?" Leyne knelt by Rachel. "You woke us up with your screaming."

"_My_ screaming?" Rachel blinked in confusion.

Leyne's mother started toward the stairs. "I'll fetch you some breakfast. You must be hungry. Come on, Hank." The floorboards creaked as they walked away, and a few minutes later, they could be heard thumping down the stairs.

Rachel looked over at Leyne, who squinted at her in concern in the low morning light. "I'm okay." Her body ached from a night on the wood floor. Leyne nodded and a small black cat jumped down from the bed beside them. It butted its head against Rachel and started purring loudly. Rachel petted it. "I didn't know you had a pet."

"It's my sister Ellynne's."

"What's its name?"

"Midnight. Careful, she's not declawed."

Rachel relaxed as the cat continued to purr at the attention she received. "I grew up with animals, but we never had a cat," she admitted.

"Really, what kind of animals?"

"All kinds of small ones, Earth birds and small mammals mostly. We even had a pet varren."

"What's a varren?"

Rachel shrugged. "It's kinda like a dog."

Leyne made a face. "I didn't like the dogs your foster father has."

"Most people don't. That's why they're rescue animals. They had bad owners, who hurt them and taught them to hurt people and animals. He's retraining them, proving to people that the dogs are not dangerous or worthless, just in need of better treatment." Rachel stopped talking and rubbed her eyes.

Leyne looked her over. "Could you go down with me to breakfast? I feel weird if you just stay up here, like I've failed you as a friend. Last night sucked."

"I'm sorry about leaving and everything." Rachel stiffly got up. "I haven't had a family-type dinner in a long time, and it brought up really good memories."

Perplexity showed in Leyne's face. "If they were good memories, why does it look like you cried?"

"Because memories are all I have, and it hurts." Rachel's face had scrunched up again. "I look like I cried?"

Leyne kept her eyes on Rachel as she moved in close. "Memories aren't all you have. You have a friend—me." She slowly pulled Rachel into a hug.

Rachel tensed, then relaxed. Leyne felt so soft and warm, and just held her. Tentatively, she hugged her back and let go, but Leyne didn't for another minute. Rachel was flushed by the time Leyne let her go. "You're really good at that. Thanks."

A small smile showed on Leyne's face. "It's going to be okay, Rachel."

"You're not, ah, afraid I'll corrupt you, with my lesbo juju or something?" Rachel did horror story zombie hands.

Leyne laughed. "I'm really not. You don't scare me. Freak me out sometimes, yes, but scare me, no." Midnight twined around their legs before disappearing down the steps. Leyne took Rachel's hand. "Maybe _you_ should be scared of me rubbing off on you." She grinned at her.

Rachel laughed. Her face was still flushed. "Yeah, I already feel more black, cooler somehow. There's hope for me yet. I may even become fashionable or something. Girlie girlish. Maybe you could put in a good word for me with the breast fairy."

"Oh shut up. Come on." Leyne tugged her hand, and they headed for the stairs. Partway there, they stopped holding hands.

Downstairs, Diana handed an eggshell-thin, porcelain, Oriental-style, white and blue bowl to Rachel that she'd gotten down for her and pointed out the granola. The three of them instructed Rachel to put a layer of vanilla yogurt over the granola and dried apricots over that. Diana poured her a tall glass of actual, fresh-squeezed OrangeO. Rachel was grateful when no one asked her questions.

* * *

_*Ok, apparently, Shepard's a chapter hog. The corresponding Liara portion will have to come later, if I can find a spot for it_. _The next chapter is Liara's, but it continues from Plump Grapes. Sometimes, clearly, characters totally disregard any agenda I might have had for them. Mostly, I trust there's a reason. We'll see._


	18. Say Nothing

**Say Nothing**

From Sappho's _Like the very gods_

_Let me only glance where you are, the voice dies, I can say nothing, _

_But my lips are stricken to silence, under-  
neath my skin the tenuous flame suffuses;  
nothing shows in front of my eyes, my ears are muted in thunder._

* * *

Liara threw herself backward on the bed. "Just _once_ could we spend Janiris day together? Everybody else gets to be with their family today." Douli bustled about the room, helping her mother don the complicated underrobes for the high holy day celebrations. Each of the Hepta had given her a set, and this year, Benezia had chosen the golden robes with the orange bazurita embroidered all over it from Narissa. Each underrobe had a special name, but Liara could never remember them. There was the pod-something, the phelon, the pok-something, and maybe even one or two that didn't start with "p." Every year she'd come to watch the layering, folding, tying and clasping that transformed her M'ana into the radiant, untouchable Potnia. Liara sighed. Adrastia envied her, but Adrastia didn't know what it was like. Having your M'ana part of everyone's Janiris except your own, no one would envy that. "Rasti and Thala get to be with _their_ families _all_ day!"

"No, not that, Varda, the gold one."

"But, my Lady, the silver contrasts better," Varda explained, holding the offending necklace against one of Benezia's sleeves.

Benezia led Varda to the third closet, which stood open. Billenia-old garments, relics from when Athame's worship was most prominent and everyone belonged to the Temple, rested there on special stands. All week the douli had been airing out and preparing them, checking that they weren't missing any of the intricately stitched threads in the raised designs or along the hems. Benezia wouldn't wear these robes until she was at the Temple, and the Hepta had vested her in them. "You're forgetting that this," she held the necklace against the distinctive white robes that signified Potnia, "is what everyone will see, and there's no contrast here." After Benezia had rustled away, Liara heard the thwack one of the others gave Varda, who had recently joined the household. Liara bet that was Shiala.

Old as they were, the outer robes were not to Liara's tastes. She turned her head and scowled at them stiffly hanging there, before staring back up at the ceiling

"No, not that this year." Her mother's voice sounded a little muffled. One of the douli must be holding up one of the robes in front of her. "It's warmer than usual, and it's going to be hot with everyone gathered, and later, with the candles. We can do without it. I'll leave this one on, and no one will know the difference."

Liara rolled onto her side to look at her mother in exasperation. "You're not even listening to me!"

Benezia stilled the attentions of her douli with a raised hand, and they turned to other tasks as she walked over and sat down on the bed near Liara. "It isn't fair, it's true. Mathitis Thalassa and Mathitis Adrastia don't have to make the sacrifices you do."

Liara let her gaze drop to her mother's robe where it encased her nearest leg and traced one of the heavy gold threads raised in a three-sided shape between two of the dark orange bazurita. She knew what her mother was going to say, but she tried anyway. "M'ana, I want to be with _you_, just you sometimes, even on a holiday, like we were on Palaven."

"Liara," Benezia touched Liara's chin, lifting her face, and brushed her thumb across Liara's cheek, "you're not a tiknon anymore, you're a kore…."

"… and you're not just my M'ana, or a Mitera," Liara sighed heavily, "but the Potnia, and today you belong to everybody." Her mother's touch did little to ease the sting. "I know." She longed to move closer to her mother, to put her head in her lap, or for her mother to press her forehead to hers, but she didn't, and her mother didn't. "I won't bother you anymore." She slid off the bed away from her mother and walked out of the suite, shutting the door loudly behind her.

Restlessness carried her downstairs where drowsy guests mingled. The Hepta and douli were conspicuously absent. However, Iolanta, her current bondmate and most of Iolanta's daughters, with their aphrodisi and bondmates, filled one side of the room. The wrappings on the floor showed that they'd been exchanging gifts. They called her to join them, but Liara just waved at them and walked outside, closing the door on their invitations. Her mother wouldn't be pleased with her behavior, but then, she wouldn't be near her mother for days.

Stomping down the garden path, Liara rehearsed all the reasons why this was the worst day of the year. Everyone else got to be with loved ones but her. Thala and Adrastia weren't available. _They_ were with _their_ mothers. She kicked the path's stones to hear them scatter. Everyone else, everyone else, even her mother, got what _they_ wanted today—_and it wasn't being with her!_ Her feet carried her to the far reaches of the garden, to the beach, and she stared unseeing at the water, her bottom lip quivering.

The gross injustice of it all fled her mind, however, as she noticed Nephali coming in from a swim. Water rolled off Nephali's crests and skin as she walked in, and glistened on her shoulders, the swells of her breasts. It streamed down her swaying abdomen and hips and the subtler curves of her thighs and calves to her delicately arched feet. Those feet came to a stop near Liara's.

Liara looked up into Nephali's eyes and watched them darken. Liara's mouth went dry as the sunlight seemed to pulse and a thrill ran through her, her own eyes darkening in response. Nephali took one more step and then her cool lips pressed against Liara's. Later Liara didn't think she could have kept her body from pressing against Nephali's even if she had tried, but she didn't try. Nephali's wetness was cool against her, and Liara felt an answering wetness rising in herself that was anything but cool. Nephali's fingers raked through the heat of her neck folds and a pressure, a subtle, powerful undertow, pulled on her mind. Liara's knees weakened. She thought she would pass out from the intense pleasure. Her biotics pulsed like the sunlight, and then the velvety lips and the compelling pull suddenly stopped.

Liara blinked, everything in her field of vision regaining a painfully sharp focus. Stark sunlight revealed every dull grain of sand and scintillated with stabbing brightness on the sea. A chill crept up from the sand through her feet. Her mind ached to feel Nephali's again, and where Nephali's dampness had seeped through her clothes, she now felt cold and somehow gray without Nephali's warmth. It had all ended too soon, before she could find out what it promised.

Green eyes regarded her. When Liara returned their gaze, Nephali shivered. For a second, Liara stared, then instinctively put her hands on Nephali's arms and rubbed them to warm her. Another strong thrill, powerful and primal, ran through Liara at the feel of Nephali's soft, wet skin. She knew she should stop touching her, but she didn't.

Nephali's teeth began to chatter, and she shuddered in Liara's arms. "My towel's behind you."

"Oh," Liara jumped back, noticing the towel for the first time. "I'm so sorry!" Her cheeks flushed bright purple as her self-awareness returned. Goddess, what was she doing?! She'd just kissed and touched Thetis' aphrodisia without even thinking about it! If she'd been standing a little more to the right, probably none of it would have happened!

Nephali bent to pick up the towel.

At the sight, a small moan escaped Liara. Mortified, she covered her mouth with her hands, and wished the ground would swallow her up.

It was too late. Nephali had turned at the sound, and had seen Liara's eyes darken. She took a tentative step toward her. "You desire me?"

This was so wrong! Liara shook her head in distress, and raised her hands, palms facing out. "Please forgive me. You are Thetis' aphrodisia. I mean no insult to a guest of the house, of the Mitera." The Mitera! Liara would die if she found out! How could she do this to Thala, who was sweet and understanding and patient. How could she shame her mother, herself and Thala like this? Cheeks blazing, she turned seaward.

How could I be offended?" Nephali said softly. Did Liara just imagine she could feel Nephali's body heat behind her? "Desire is natural. Don't be upset. Something that feels right can't be wrong."

Liara bowed her head, closing her eyes tightly and clenching her fists. "Yes, it can."

Nephali touched her arm. "Forgive me, then. I kissed you. I didn't mean to disrespect you or your aphrodisia either. I dreamt of you last night, and when you appeared on the beach, I felt so drawn to you, and responded as if still in the dream. I wasn't thinking."

This was worse. Somehow she'd induced this in Nephali! Liara searched desperately for a way to handle the situation appropriately, to undo the harm she'd done. "Neither was I. Let's pretend it never happened. I won't tell anyone."

A bright smile rewarded her words. "Neither will I."

"I really care about Thala, and Thetis is my ksadelfi." Liara turned around, eyes wide with sincerity.

"It was just a kiss." Nephali stroked Liara's arm. "Nothing really happened. I'm just a guest who's had a chance, friendly meeting with one of my hosts. Acquaintances greet each other with kisses all the time where I come from."

"They do?" Liara knew she should pull away from Nephali's touch because she liked it too much. "On the lips?"

"Yes …" Nephali demonstrated by leaning in and brushing her lips softly against Liara's again. "See?"

At touch of their electric softness, Liara surged against Nephali clumsily. Nephali stumbled backward in surprise, and they fell in a tangle of limbs. Liara pushed herself up frantically, inadvertently pressing Nephali's left breast with her right hand and feeling an intense urge to…."Oh Goddess, what's wrong with me?!" Liara squeaked as she scrambled away. With both hands, she covered her mouth, staring at Nephali in shock and horror.

Propping herself up on her elbow, Nephali laughed. "You haven't joined with her yet, have you?"

Liara squeaked something.

Nephali stood, smiling, winding her towel around herself again. "I can't hear what you say when you're covering your mouth."

Liara moved her hands and sat on them, trying to regain her composure. "You can't ask me that!" She knew she must be purpler than a proummon.

"It's not such a big deal. Thetis and I haven't." Nephali admitted. She sat down in the sand beside her, drawing up her legs and hugging them, and staring out at the sea. After a few minutes of silence, she continued. "I haven't joined with anyone. Sometimes the thought scares me."

Liara regarded Nephali with amazement. "I thought I was the only one who felt that way. Everyone seems so eager, but sharing everything…." Liara shuddered. She hugged her legs too.

"I mean, what if it's too much?" Nephali asked quietly. "It seems so intense, and intoxicating, and sometimes I think I could overpower Thetis if I opened my whole self."

Liara nodded. "I worry that I could lose control and something could go wrong. How could I ever forgive myself?"

"You're the only person I've met who's understood." Nephali looked at her with wonder. "I know I could never overpower you. You're T'Soni, Lady Benezia's daughter," she said reverently. "Have you see the vids of her first hieros gamos with Hetera Sha'ira? They can't have been simulating; it's too erotic. Watching them, you get a sense of what it must feel like to experience overwhelming pleasure." She looked sideways at Liara.

Liara turned a brighter purple. She'd never seen those vids, but she'd heard about them, only too much, at school. "I'm not anything like my mother." Liara rested her head on her arms and buried her toes in the sand, noting the flakes of wood and shiny shells, the different textures. Thinking about her mother and Sha'ira, Liara suddenly felt sad. On some level, it reminded her that she was unwanted, and on another, invisible. Who would ever notice her when they were around? Her mother was powerful, poised and gracious. Sha'ira epitomized desirability. Soon Nephali would figure out that she possessed none of the best qualities of either of them.

Nephali wiggled her toes over to Liara's. "You're sexier than she is."

Liara's spirits sank more. "That's not true."

Nephali nudged her to get her attention. "Can you keep a secret?"

Liara looked over at Nephali and nodded.

"I've wanted to kiss you since we met," Nephali said. "I could tell you desired me, and I desire you too."

To look in those green eyes was to get lost in them, to watch them change. The sunlight pulsed around Nephali, as if daylight shivered to touch her.

"Desire is natural." Liara parroted in desperation. "I find you attractive; it's normal for bodies to respond to perceptions of beauty and to … to touch, of course."

Nephali looked at Liara's lips.

"It's a stimulus-response chain enhanced by pheromones brought on by unexpected, inadvertent proximity. That's all." The words spilled out of Liara's mouth as Nephali leaned closer. She remembered reading it somewhere. "It doesn't mean anything."

Bringing her hands to the sides of Liara's head, Nephali drew her slowly into another kiss. As it deepened, Nephali pressed Liara back into the sand, her body settling on top of her.

Everything spun in a bright rush, Nephali filling all her senses. Liara heard herself whimper. Her eyes blackened, glazed and rolled back in her head. She felt herself opening, lifting as if to take flight from sheer rapture as Nephali brought her to the very edge of discovery.

"You feel so amazing." Nephali whispered against her lips. Her hands caressed Liara's trembling body. "I want to please you." The pressure returned with Nephali's lips, hotter, harder.

Liara recognized the pressure this time, knew it was Nephali's mind seeking hers. Increasingly intense pleasure pulsed within her consciousness as it pushed against her, blotting out everything except terror and excitement. Nephali reached in….

Freezing cold water dumped over them with a loud splash. Nephali shrieked and jumped to her feet, the connection tearing away before it could form, the pleasure winking out as if a switch had been thrown. The abrupt withdrawal caused a rending pain as intense as the pleasure had been. Liara moaned, her hands clutching cold, wet sand.

"We were just…" she heard Nephali say.

"I've lived 400 years. I know what you were 'just,'" Shiala's voice cut in. "On your feet, Liara T'Soni!" Shiala stood next to Nephali, hands on her hips, staring down at her.

Her first attempt failed because her limbs shook too much. Nephali reached down to help.

Shiala swatted Nephali's hands away. "I suggest you figure out who inside the house may care about you, and why," she said coolly. "_Now_."

Under Shiala's glare, Nephali didn't hestitate long, but turned and walked away, glancing back only once.

When Nephali had left, Shiala knelt beside Liara. Putting one of Liara's arms around her shoulder, she pulled Liara to her feet. "Of all the stupid …" Shiala muttered under her breath, and let go of Liara's arm. "Tongue games with a bare-breasted social climber! Have you completely forgotten you're T'Soni?!"

"Unh," Liara's knees buckled, and she fell forward in the sand. Her stomach heaved, and she threw up. The nausea proved violent. As it continued, Shiala supported her shoulders while she emptied her stomach.

Afterward, Shiala helped her to the water's edge, splashed water on her face and told her to gargle and rinse her mouth out. When Liara was cleaned up, Shiala helped her to a chair at the nearby table, then turned and biotically encapsulated the soiled sand and threw it into the water, removing all traces of Liara's indisposition.

Liara leaned against the table. Everything she saw had fuzzy edges, as if wrapped in layers of gauze. She felt numb, empty and very, very tired.

Shiala returned and squatted in front of her, taking in the glazed, unfocused eyes, slightly slack jaw and pallor. "I guess that explains it." She shook her head. "You're drunk! I can't even begin to …" She stood and paced. "This is not the way to get your Mitera's attention. Can't you think of anyone besides yourself?!"

"I'm not drunk!" To Liara's consternation, her words slurred a little. "I didn't do anything! She was saying hello, and we tripped, and … it was an accident!"

"Lying only makes things worse, Liara. I wasn't born yesterday." Shiala sighed and placed a hand over her eyes. "I don't want to tell your M'ana. The Potnia will be so disappointed."

Anger flashed in Liara. Remembering vividly the rejection she'd felt that morning, Liara brought her fist down on the table, startling Shiala into looking at her again. "The Potnia," she yelled, "is no one's M'ana!"

Shiala inhaled sharply. Tears formed in Shiala's eyes, and Liara's anger wavered. "Is that so?" Her eyes narrowed. "Then there's no reason for me not to do this." Before Liara could move, Shiala wrapped her in biotics and threw her into the Naropa.

The water dumped on her and Nephali had been freezing, but it could not compare with sudden submersion in the sea's burning chill. Liara thrashed to the surface, gasping. Arms crossed, Shiala watched her swim in, but when Liara had reached the shallows, the beach was deserted. One neatly folded orange towel waited on the sand.

* * *

Liara sat on her bed in her bathrobe. Since the morning, she'd showered and stayed in her rooms, too ashamed to face Thetis or Nephali, or even any of the douli.

A knock sounded on her door. She hunched over. Another knock. The moment she'd been dreading had finally arrived.

"Are you in there, Liara?" At Kandake's voice, Liara looked up, puzzled. "You're riding with me and Erelia, and the car leaves in 25 minutes. Are you almost ready?"

Liara relaxed a little. She hadn't known whom she'd be assigned to ride with, but she'd known it wouldn't be her mother. Her M'ana's and T'ata's cars, and the Heptas', would all be full, and they weren't all going to the same place. Right now that seemed like a good thing. The Janiris service had become so popular in the last decade that six large halls, four in the uptown Temple district area and two in midtown, had to be rented and set up to handle the large number of worshippers wanting to attend. The relatively small Prototemenos could not accommodate so many. Its seats were auctioned off or granted as political favors, and the service held there streamed throughout Council space. The Hepta would preside over the services at the other halls after a brief anointing ceremony at the Prototemenos.

More knocking. "Liara, open up."

Reluctantly she shuffled over to the door and opened it.

Kandake leaned against the wall nearby. "May I come in?"

Liara nodded.

Kandake pushed past her, giving Liara a long appraising look. "Why aren't you dressed?"

"I'm not going." She retreated into the bedroom.

Kandake followed her.

"Please close the door," Liara whispered. Kandake went and shut the door to the suite, then returned to the bedroom. She didn't crowd Liara, but stayed in the doorway. "I … I can't go."

"Why not?"

Liara put her hands on her knees, and stared at them. "I did a terrible thing."

Kandake said nothing.

Dropping her voice even lower, Liara confessed, "I kissed Nephali."

No response.

"Three times." As the silence stretched on, Liara risked looking at Kandake.

The huntress regarded her calmly.

"I know it was wrong, very wrong, that's why I can't go. I can't face her or Thetis or … anyone." She hunched back over and stared at her hands.

After a long minute, Kandake finally spoke. "You plan to stay in your room?"

"Yes." Liara nodded, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"For how long?"

"Until … until I know I can control myself."

Kandake came and sat on the bed near her. "Nephali is very attractive." Kandake took a deep breath. "You could wait a day, a week, a month, or even 700-800 years to not feel that way about her, and it may never go away. It could be a long time to stay in your room."

Liara looked at her with big tear-filled eyes.

"You can't control how you feel, Liara, only what you do about it."

"I can't even control that," Liara shook her head. "I'm a monster."

Kandake touched her shoulder. "You're hardly the first to kiss the wrong pretty asari on Janiris, you know. I could tell you stories about your M'ana, or Sha'ira, or me, and it's probably been true of everyone here, one time or another. You have to deal with what you've done. Hiding doesn't help."

"It's better for everyone if I just stay here."

"It's not better for those of us who enjoy your company and only get to visit with you these few weeks every year. Liara, what you're feeling is natural, being attracted to sexy young maidens is natural. Making mistakes is part of living and learning."

"It's not natural to get sick after kissing someone, is it, just because it stopped? To be intoxicated by touches? To want to …, to want to…" She couldn't bring herself to say it.

"To want to what?" Kandake leaned back, listening.

"To want to … take all of someone, someone you don't even know … to ... to ... go inside her." In the silence that followed her words, Liara peeked at the huntress, and saw her studying her. It pained Liara to think she would lose the huntress' respect.

"'Ra, it sounds like you've experienced a desire to meld. You're young for that. I imagine that makes the impulse confusing, maybe even scary. Those are signs that you're not ready for it yet, but desiring it doesn't make you a monster. Neither does feeling really turned on by the touches of a stranger. Nephali's older than you are, she probably has more experience with touching." Kandake tilted her head. "It sounds like she's good at it, and kissing."

Liara got up and walked to the door to her balcony and looked out. "It's all my fault. I drew her to me. She couldn't help it."

Kandake laughed. "You _are_ adorable, 'Ra, it's true. That doesn't mean you made her do it. None of us has that power. The thing is, since you're T'Soni and her host, you're the one who ends up being responsible, whoever starts it."

"What about getting sick from it?" Liara turned toward Kandake, frustrated. "That's not natural!"

"I've never heard of anyone getting sick from kissing, but it's fairly common to get sick from drinking too much. You said you were intoxicated."

"But I didn't drink anything!" Liara stomped her foot. Why would no one believe her about this? "I got that way from kissing her."

"That's a very poetic way to look at it, but not likely." Kandake patted a spot next to her on the bed. Liara obediently walked over and sat there. "Your M'ana would probably not be pleased with what I'm about to say, but I'm actually proud of you. Breaking the rules sometimes is part of growing up." Kandake put an arm around her shoulders. "I can understand how, with your hormones raging, Nephali would be hard to resist. Shiala's too uptight to admit it, but I bet she understands too and won't tell your M'ana. So you might as well stop worrying and stop hiding. If you ease up on the drinking and stay away from Thetis and Nephali for the next week, you'll get through this."

Liara frowned at her.

Ignoring that response, Kandake rose and went over and opened the panels covering Liara's clothes. "So what are you going to wear? You must have something that could keep her all hot and bothered."

"I'm not trying to do that!" Liara protested, outraged.

"I thought it was your fault she developed a bad case of Liara fever?" Kandake held up the white dress with deep vees in front and back that her mother had bought her for her presentation. "How about this? Or … this?" The second she selected was a short number in purple with an asymmetrical strap and a subtle silarin pattern texturing the glossy fabric. It had a matching crop jacket, to cover her neck and back, and slotted tight sleeves to show off her arms. "This is really cute and classy—like you."

Liara took the purple dress from Kandake. "This is the one I'm supposed to wear today." She held it up in front of her and looked in the mirror, smoothing it out. "Nephali said people kiss to say hello where she's from. I just responded wrong."

Kandake snorted. "You're too smart to believe that." She deftly swept the matching sandals up and closed the panels again. Tossing the shoes on Liara's bed, Kandake sauntered out into the sitting room, continuing the conversation over her shoulder. "Three times? That's a lot of hello."

Liara dropped her robe and wriggled the dress down over her head. She raised her voice so that Kandake could still hear her. "Well, I kind of got upset after the first one, then she apologized, and kissed me again to prove her point, and then I fell on her, and well…" With a tug, the dress pulled free of her crests and her head popped out of it. She went to her jewelry drawer, opened it, and searched through it. "I don't understand. Thala's my aphrodisia, and I love her. Nephali means nothing to me, so why did I even…." She turned at the sound of the suite's door opening.

Nephali, stunningly attired in a long orange and red dress, stood outside, looking sad. "I …. have to go." She turned on her heel and left.

Liara stood frozen with chagrin. Her heart ached at the thought that she'd just hurt Nephali. She didn't want this power. Her mind had been whirling since Nephali's confession and what had happened on the beach. What did it mean that she felt like this, that she desired Nephali so much? She hardly knew her. Wasn't she still in love with Thala?

"Well, that probably settles that," Kandake murmured. "I think that made worrying about that part unnecessary."

Liara frowned, looking past Kandake out the doorway. "I should make sure she's okay." Picking up her shoes and jacket, Liara started after Nephali.

"Oh no, now you need to come with me to the car so that we're not late." Kandake grasped her elbow and guided her toward the stairs and the waiting cars.

Out in the driveway, Liara glimpsed Nephali getting into another car with Thetis, two of Thetis' older sisters, Iolanta and her bondmate. Minutes later, she was ensconced between Erelia and Kandake across from Myti and her nyanya in the back of one of the other waiting hovercars, and whirring away toward one of the large halls.


	19. One Burning Life

_*All the wonderful reviews inspired me in the most dreadful way. Be warned, the chapter that follows is not for the faint of heart. I have conflicted feelings about offering it, but have chosen to do so because it seems important._

* * *

**One Burning Life**

from Jane Hirshfield's _Knowing Nothing_

_The goat is not the reason.  
The reason is the lion,  
Whose one desire is to enter—  
Not the goat, which is  
Only the lure, only excuse,  
But the one burning life  
It has hunted for a long time  
Disguised as hunger. Disguised as love.  
Which is not the reason_.

* * *

"You wish to speak with me?" The tall, graceful, hooded asari approached, her dark robes lifting slightly in the breeze. He could see her eyes glowing in the half light of the temple. She had changed since he'd last seen her, but she still struck him speechless.

He knelt and bowed his head.

She walked so softly he could not hear her. He knew she drew close, however. Her presence was palpable, and the breeze stirred the heavy musk of incense from her robes. "Saren Arterius…" The touch of her fingers, light on his mandible, lifted his head and sent chills through him. "Spectre and Savior of the Galaxy…" Her glowing eyes, their infinite weariness and kindness, stared into his soul. "Speak."

He captured her hand before she removed it, but did not rise. Her fingers were warm and dry.

She waited, making no effort to withdraw her hand. The silence drew out as they regarded one another.

With great difficulty, he managed to speak. "Lady Benezia, Light of the Asari and Hope…" he squeezed her fingers lightly, "of the Galaxy, I seek your wise counsel again."

The pressure from her fingers indicated he should stand, and slowly he did, rising to his full height, on level with her. She removed her hand from his grasp.

"Are we alone?" He asked, glancing around.

"Yes." She turned and walked away, soundlessly.

He followed.

She stopped near the edge of the temple, between two of its columns. Moonlight shone on the sea below and streamed in over her shoulders, casting a long shadow behind her. He saw that her cloak, her hood and her gown were indigo and almost transparent in their fineness. Standing only an arm's reach away, he felt his blood pounding in his palms with every heartbeat.

"I sense your turmoil. You bear a heavy burden to this place."

He noted the thick raised collar of her cape. Her neck had the most covering. It was well protected. Stepping forward to stand beside her, he saw the moonlight shining on the sensuous lines of her nose and lips. The tops of her breasts rose and fell with her untroubled breaths. The rest of her face remained obscured by the hood and its shadow, and her dress kept the details but not the shape of her from him. Her cloak hid her hands. He took a step toward her and noticed that even in the darkness, she shimmered. Alone or not, he knew she was more dangerous than he could imagine, more powerful than he could face.

He looked away, to where she looked, to the calm sea under Thessia's timeless skies. "What could you possibly know of either?"

She did not move. "I have seen their ships, legion upon legion. I have watched them extinguish the stars. I know they are coming."

His face contracted. "How have you have seen this?"

When she turned, her glowing eyes never left his. "I know you have spoken with them."

He blinked and looked away. The silence wore on. The breeze ruffled her cape and skirt.

"What do they want?"

Such a simple question demanded a simple answer, the truth. "To harvest us."

"Us?" The question was soft.

It was better this way, to tell the truth, to tell her what he believed. That he had even contemplated lying seemed foolish. She would have seen through it. "All species that cooperate in Council space—the asari, the turians, the salarians, all of us."

Far away, the cry of a tezarin echoed across the water, then another, the sounds distant, mournful, and wild.

When the night was still again, she spoke. "You seek counsel on how to stop them?"

He met her gaze. "Nothing can."

She waited.

He took a step closer. "They are too many. Their technology surpasses our own by an order of magnitude. Even if we all joined forces, we still could not defeat them."

The weight of the hour and their subject seemed to settle a great weariness on her shoulders. It showed in her gaze. "Ah." She closed her eyes.

With his talons, he lightly grasped her upper arms through her cloak. He needed her to fight, not accept. "The galaxy faces its greatest threat, one that surpasses my ability to address."

Her eyes had narrowed when she opened them again. "You named me 'Hope…'"

"If you could convince them that we are more useful alive, that they don't need to kill us all, that we can co-exist, you could save us." He gripped her harder, until he could feel the bones of her arms. "You're the only one who can."

She stirred in his grasp. "You're hurting me."

He shook her. She didn't understand. "I saw the files, the ones where you predicted the geth rebellion and didn't warn the quarians because you said they would kill them all." He pulled her closer. "You didn't side with organics over synthetics. I believe Sovereign will listen to you."

Dark energy flexed around her, burning his palms. "Release me, Saren. I will not ask again."

Blinking rapidly, he let go of her arms. "I'm … I'm sorry … please, please don't let this happen." He knelt once more, and stared up at her.

"You call 'it' 'Sovereign'?" Her voice was cold.

"It was the name it gave me, when I asked."

Her gaze was colder, "Do you serve it now?"

"You know I serve the Council to protect Council space." He suddenly wanted her to admit her role in his having that job. The last time he had met with her, it had been about Desolas. He had believed in her and her wisdom absolutely. So many had died, as a result. Afterward, he had been made a Spectre, the youngest ever to receive the highest galactic honor a warrior could receive. It had been at her recommendation, he felt sure. He had been lavished with praise, lifted up and lauded as the pride and champion of his people. It had not eased his grief. He had wanted to be punished for what he had done, not praised. "Lady Benezia…"

"Have you spoken with the Council?"

"They do not have your wisdom."

"Do not toy with me, Spectre."

"They said there's no evidence that what I've found is not an invention of the geth and that the Reapers are a myth resurrected to keep organics out of the Veil." Tevos flashed through his mind. "Tevos advised me privately to speak with you. She said you would know the truth, and what to do." He had thought making a conquest of so powerful an asari as Tevos would have satisfied him, but it had not, and Tevos had been distant since.

"She shared your report." Her eyes were slits. "You made no mention of communicating with anyone while you were on that ship."

The moon had sunk behind the horizon, and darkness obscured all but the slivers of her glowing, pale blue eyes and the shimmer of her body. His knees ached, but he didn't move. "I thought they would discredit the report if I said I'd spoken to a Reaper. They are conservative and cautious. They require proof before they do anything."

"Why didn't you record the conversation?"

"It would have known." He looked down at the ground, cleared his throat. "I told it about you." Out of the corner of his eye he saw her fists shine and clench. "I told it you are a powerful, insightful leader in the galaxy, that you are a voice for peaceful coexistence and technology sharing, with an appreciation for synthetic life."

Benezia drew in a breath. She had tucked her chin in, and her expression held no kindness now. "Why did it speak with you?"

"It seeks allies."

She turned away. "What vulnerabilities did you observe?"

"I don't believe it has any."

She stayed quiet, then she spoke again. "It must."

"You'll understand when you meet it."

She turned back and regarded him intently.

"It can only communicate through the technology of the ship I found. You would have to go to the ship to speak with it, accompanied however you would like." He watched her consider that.

"This one Reaper would not communicate with you or seek allies if it was not vulnerable in some way."

"It would take a whole fleet of ours to destroy this one ship, and we would sustain heavy losses. There is no way we can stop their fleet. If we attack one of them now, we lose any chance to negotiate an alliance."

"You're not asking me to negotiate an alliance." Her eyes grew brighter. "You're asking me to offer a conditional surrender!" Dark energy pulsed off her.

"I'm asking you to save lives!" He rose slowly to his full height. "Is this so different from negotiating the turian-human ceasefire?" He stared into her bright eyes, his anger growing. "You said you've seen what's coming. Isn't surrender and survival preferable to war and extinction, the end of the asari and all other species?!" He tried to step toward her, but dark energy crackled around her, making the air too dense. "Are you unwilling to use your skills and your power to try to prevent loss of life on a catastrophic scale?" He pointed a talon at her. "I killed my own brother to preserve peace in the galaxy, on your advice! What are you willing to do for the same?! Give me your counsel on that!"

* * *

A month later, the day had finally arrived. The interval had seemed like forever to him, but he understood that to the asari, it counted as almost hasty. He quickened his pace.

When the elevator doors opened, Tevos was waiting.

He stepped in. "Councillor, is this wise?"

"There is nothing strange in my speaking with a Spectre." She pressed the button for Docking Bay 42, where his ship awaited. As soon as the elevator started its descent she turned to him and placed a hand on his arm. "Saren, whatever happens, you must protect her at all costs."

"I know."

"Do not gamble with her life, do not even let her do that. She must return unharmed."

The elevator dinged to signal their arrival. She removed her hand before the door opened. A C-Sec agent lowered the barrier curtain to let them through. Tevos stopped a few steps in.

He scanned the area before stepping beside her. "Tevos, you know I revere her, you've been in my mind. I will do everything in my power to keep her safe, I swear on my honor."

Tevos' face betrayed no emotion. "She is sacred to the Goddess, the Mistress of Athame, and not to be touched."

"I know that!

"Each of us has aspects we hide from ourselves." Tevos turned toward him.

"My desire for her was never hidden from myself or you. I know the difference between fantasy and reality." He turned toward her, his voice sinking to a hiss. "Others wanting her is part of her power. Will you lock up everyone in the galaxy who dreams about her or you? What do you fear, Tevos? With one thought, she could kill me. She has an army of commandos. I am neither a fool nor an animal to offer her insult in any way. You've trusted me before, enough to join with me. Is that what this is about?"

"No." She stepped away from him. "This is about Thessia, Spectre, and galactic stability. Bring her back, unharmed, no matter what the cost." She strode toward the waiting area.

"I don't understand." Saren overheard Sha'ira say as he and Tevos approached Lady Benezia and the Consort over by the passageway to the ship. A steady stream of asari commandos and acolytes were boarding, carrying packages of various sizes. The Destiny Ascension had brought them in the night before, and they were scheduled to leave in a half hour at 0500 hours. "No first contact should require the Potnia. Let me go in your place."

Saren felt his insides twist when Benezia stroked Sha'ira's cheek. "Mela, this excursion calls for different skills." Beside him, Tevos cleared her throat.

Sha'ira looked over at them, then took both of Benezia's hands in hers. "If it calls for your skills, let me go with you. Negotiations are tense work, and I am gifted at easing tension."

"Not this time." Benezia kissed Sha'ira's cheek. Sha'ira hesitated before releasing Benezia's hands and stepping away.

Tevos and Benezia regarded one another. Benezia held out a hand, which Tevos supported with both of hers and bowed. "Paraclete Tevos."

"Potnia, you honor me with your presence. I hope you have found the arrangements satisfactory."

Saren noticed Benezia squeeze Tevos' hands. "Your thoughtfulness has been apparent in every detail."

Saren was not pleased. "Why is the Consort here? C-Sec closed the whole area to ensure secrecy."

Lady Benezia gazed calmly at him.

Tevos didn't look at him. "It is not your place to question the Potnia, Spectre."

Saren inclined his head in acknowledgment. "Apologies, Councilor. My only concern is her safety." He bowed to Benezia. "We will be ready to leave on your command." He strode to the doors to the ship, looking back once at Tevos and Benezia.

* * *

Silence reigned on the bridge as they drew near and the dark bulk of the massive alien ship emerged from the obscuring bright glare of the Veil's particles and gases.

Saren, who leaned against one of the consoles, saw Shiala glance at Lady Benezia. "That? That is what you've been talking about? What is it?"

Matriarch Risa, who had charge of the commandos, took the measure of the ship, the size of a space station, as they circled it. "Trouble."

Benezia appeared unperturbed.

"If you plan to go on board that, Lady Benezia," Risa continued, "it's going to take me awhile to scout it thoroughly with my teams to make sure its safe."

"We don't have that kind of time." Saren stood and stepped closer to the two matriarchs. "The geth send regular patrols. If they detect us, they will attack. We are in violation of their air space."

Shiala, whom he had learned coordinated the acolytes, stepped forward to stand between him and Benezia. "How did you avoid attack?" She'd taken a dislike to him from the start. It amused him.

"I got in and out before they found me, or knew that I had found … this." Saren gestured at the viewscreens, which now showed the back of the alien ship, where myriad tiny lights blinked.

Benezia's forehead wrinkled in concentration. "It is familiar."

Risa shook her head. "I'm not about to risk doing that. Our stakes are much higher."

Saren resisted the temptation to shoulder past Shiala. "Matriarch Benezia, take my advice. We go onboard, you speak with it, and we leave."

"Absolutely not!" Risa brought her fist down on her thigh, her leathers creaking as she did.

"Hail the ship." Benezia's words were soft.

"The geth will hear," Saren warned. "If we hail it, they will respond in force."

Slowly, she turned her head. "Our vessel is fast? It has defenses?" She looked back at the helmsman. "Hail the ship."

The bridge grew silent as the distinctive hailing chime sounded. The helmsman tried three times without response, and looked back at Benezia with an apologetic shrug.

"Open a channel."

The helmsman nodded. Saren covered his eyes with his hand.

"To the ship before us and its occupants, greetings. I am Lady Benezia, here as a representative of the Council and the interests of Council space. Spectre Saren Arterius spoke to you about me, and he indicated that you were willing to speak with me. I come in peace. I invite you to conversation. Will you answer?"

Saren held his breath. Light flashed off a silver hull, then another, as geth ships materialized around them.

"We've got multiple contacts."

"Evasive maneuvers," Saren barked.

"Not yet." Benezia's voice betrayed no fear. "They have not fired. We will not run unless they do."

Saren gripped the nearest console. "Shields to maximum."

"Helmsman, the channel."

The turian nodded.

"We await your reply." She spoke without hurry or concern.

As the channel cut off, Risa muttered, "We should have come with our fleet."

"What's it doing?" Shiala pointed to where the massive plates on the front of the alien ship were opening, revealing a large port where red lightning gathered and intensified.

"That's a weapon!" Risa stepped forward. "Look at the size of that thing!" She looked back at Benezia expectantly.

Saren's hands hovered over the controls.

"Patience, Saren." Benezia stepped forward. "Helmsman."

The bridge stilled again, all eyes on Benezia. "Unknown ship, we approach in peace, alone, requesting only words. If we are harmed, the wrath of this galaxy will redound, and you will face many. The time for words will be past. Let us make the most of this opportunity and not let it slip away."

More silver streaks glinted through the viewscreens as more geth appeared through the Veil.

"The geth have locked weapons," the ballastics officer reported. "They have a solution."

Saren met Benezia's gaze.

"Lower the shields," she said softly. He did, never taking his eyes from her.

The ball of red energy grew brighter and brighter, and a loud sound blared, startling most, shaking the entire ship and cracking the thick crystal m-tech panel tracking the locations of geth ships. Slowly the massive front panels on the alien ship closed and the central portion of the strange ship's massive hull started to elongate.

Saren looked down at the panels on his console. "It is powering down its weapon and opening a docking bay on the reverse side."

"We have contact."

As the bridge crew cheered and clapped in response to her words, Saren looked over at Benezia again, but now she was staring out the viewscreens at the alien ship. He shook his head and smiled. He knew he'd been right to put his faith in her. "Take us around," he ordered.

"Saren will take the first shuttle, I will take the last," Benezia informed Risa.

"That still won't give me time to adequately sweep…." Risa protested.

"If it had wanted to destroy us, it could have, Risa." Benezia moved toward the door. "We can hold back and show fear, or take a leap of faith, and show courage."

Saren followed them into the corridor.

"That thing looks fully operational, and it's immense. Who knows what it is capable of, or if there's only one. There could be more hidden in the Veil or on Rannoch." Risa sounded frustrated. "How can I guarantee your safety, if you won't give me time to do it?"

"No one can, Risa." Benezia touched Risa's arm, her eyes filled with kindness. "Do what you can, the rest is in the Goddess's hands."

"Couldn't you communicate from here?" Shiala asked. "What if this is a ploy to take you hostage?"

"That is one possibility, one the Matriarchies and Council have prepared for, as have we. If playing it safe would suffice, I would have remained on Thessia."

_She's magnificent_, Saren thought as he moved ahead of them to gather his things from his quarters. With her by his side, he could do anything!

* * *

"How did she die?" Benezia's back was all he could see. Her voice was expressionless.

"She jumped into the eezo core." Glykeria wept openly from where she sat on the floor. "It was horrible. Poor Matriarch Risa! Why would she do that?"

Slowly Benezia turned. Her gaze lit on him, then she knelt, touched Glykeria's hands, and pulled the acolyte to her feet. "Gather the others, and we will pray to the Goddess for her." Glykeria's sobs quieted as she bowed. She hurried off.

Benezia returned to her seat beside him and lifted her hand. On it, glowing in ancient turian script, he read, "This ship has a power similar to the Palaven artifacts." The words faded.

He nodded and leaned forward. This much, of course, she would have unraveled.

She leaned in too, and the question, "Off?" glowed and faded on her arm.

He rose as acolytes and commandos filed in. Their numbers had diminished; they'd been plagued by a steady stream of mysterious disappearances and unfortunate accidents. He tapped the tabletop so that Benezia would know he had understood.

He felt conflicted. On the one hand, Sovereign offered him power. It even whispered that it could give him power over her. Deep down, he knew he wanted her to fear him and to want him, as he feared and wanted her. For weeks, Sovereign had seemed unable to gain power over either matriarch, however. His hunger for her had only grown with every hour of her successful resistance. Today's news might herald Sovereign's victory over Risa, or its failure. If the matriarch had committed suicide to be rid of its influence, then he needed to get Benezia off Sovereign right away. For on the other hand, he couldn't lose her now, not when she was finally almost within reach.

How much longer did he have to wait? When she at last understood the situation, she would help Sovereign bring back the Reapers, convincing them to spare lives, as he had planned. There was no other option. She would see that. Already she had convinced Sovereign of her importance better than he had, and he was confident that she would continue to successfully resist indoctrination. She was the Potnia, and not at risk at all. If it could affect her, Sovereign must see she would serve them both better if she retained her faculties . He shook his head. Something seemed distorted in his reasoning, but he couldn't put his talon on it. His first priority was to find out if Sovereign had ordered Matriarch Risa to jump, to know if it could control asari. "I'll return later."

Benezia rose. Those assembled sat in a circle, holding hands and comforting one another. He went to the door of her chamber and looked back. Benezia went among them, offering touch and words. If only she would do that for him, just him. The whole lot of them were in the way.

Soon, a voice whispered in his head. He shook his head. He didn't want to wait any longer. As he watched, she touched them and touched them and touched them! He stepped out of the room, hurrying down the twisted corridors until he reached the room where some of the more difficult commandos had been confined. The fight had gone out of most of them, and they greeted him with groans more than curses this time. He went over to one of the cages. "Sovereign!" He yelled. "You know what I want. Prove you can deliver!" The cage door swung open, and he stepped in, grasping the occupant, pulling her to her feet and thrusting her against the bars. "Worship ME, asari," he growled. Her groans blended with the others.

Later, Saren paced Sovereign's bridge. These prayer meetings, their faith, somehow that was what was protecting the others, or maybe Benezia's touch. He stopped at that thought. Hadn't Tevos needed to touch him to join with him? All those touches! Could Benezia have been melding and joining with the others right in front of him all along?! He scowled. If Benezia's touch could shield against indoctrination, it just made him want her more. The answer was obvious. He smiled as he ordered the geth to take all her followers to the cells, to build more cells if necessary to put each in a separate one, to ensure that none of them could touch any other. Yes. From now on, it would just be him who could touch any of them, just him she could touch.

* * *

It had been torture to wait a whole week after stripping her followers from her. Tonight, however, all the waiting, all the wanting, would pay off. For so long now, this one asari had dominated his every dark fantasy. Once his first infatuation, she had become his obsession. She was responsible for all his pain. He had wanted her to be the one to punish him for his crimes. He had dreamt about how she would invade his mind and degrade his body for wanting her, toy with and use him, inflict exquisite torment on him for his blind obedience to her until at last he was free of his awe of and desire for her. On that day, he had sworn on his brother's grave, she would finally know his pain, experience the price he had paid. On that day, he would force her to share it with him, to feel it to her core, to taste it until she grew sick from it and finally, finally understood what she had done. That day would make him whole again, what was good in her would make him whole. She owed him that. He had wanted her to invite him to her bed willingly, but if she did not choose that tonight, he would take what he needed from her, and take and take until he had taught her willingness.

On his command, the geth rained blows on him until he staggered under them. He didn't see the blow that knocked him out. The cold dabbing of liquid on his wounds woke him. His eyes focused on her beloved face. "Benezia? How did I get here?"

"The geth." She didn't meet his eyes, but looked away to dip the cloth in a container of water. "Saren, where are the others? I've been unable to open the doors." She gently wiped blood from his chin and forehead. "What happened to you?"

He coughed. "They took all of us to cells, to a prison. A few of us managed to escape, but they found us. We were coming to warn you…"

She rose and walked away.

"Benezia?" He coughed again.

She returned with a pillow, and a rinsed cloth. "Warn me about what?"

"They tortured us. I think they plan to kill us all, to kill you."

The wet cloth cooled his aching forehead. "They let you go. They beat you and threw you in here after you'd attempted to escape. Why?"

"As a message." Her bending over to tend him offered him a revealing view of her breasts, the fascinating warm softness so stirringly different from the unyielding high ridge bones and metallic carapace of turian females. She caught him staring. He blinked. "They obviously have something special in mind for you, maybe for me too."

Her gaze was steady. "So it seems."

"Have you talked with it?" He clutched her hand. "Have you made progress?"

"It has not stopped talking since I came on board, but I do not find it interested in listening." She returned his grasp. "I am curious. What does it whisper to you, Saren? How do you resist it?" She helped him stand.

He grimaced. "How could it entice me? Nothing is more important than my mission. Saving lives gives my existence meaning," he rasped. "I stay strong to save your life and the lives of those depending on us."

"We are fortunate to have so dedicated a protector." When he swayed, she supported him. "Come, the floor is cold and hard. You'll be more comfortable on a bed." Slowly, they made it up the stairs to her bed. He suppressed a smile.

"What does it whisper to you, Benezia?" He let her prop him up with pillows, admiring her chest again as she did.

She sat still a moment. "That there is no hope."

"Have the geth tried to hurt you?"

She looked at him. "Only through the loss and wounding of my companions. With each, I feel less inclined to cooperate in any way." She finished cleaning his wounds, and dried them. "I would like them to receive better treatment than you have. If they could be released safely, I would be more amenable to listening to what it wants." She rose. "You are going to need some medi-gel. I'll get some."

"I imagine it's hard, not knowing if they are even alive, and knowing that if they are, that could change in an instant." He watched her carefully. She did not pause or turn but continued going through the bag she'd put on the table, pulling out what was needed.

Her tone when she did reply was gentle. "I do feel responsible for them, since they are my followers. Like you, I wish to save lives. I will do what I can for them." She turned and headed back to the bed. "I suspect they are being held so that threats to their well-being can be used to coerce my cooperation. In that case," she began applying the soothing medi-gel, "they misjudged in leaving you with me, since you matter more than the rest."

He grasped her fingers. "Benezia?" He hardly dared to breathe.

For a moment, she didn't move. "If it released all my companions but you on a moon outside the range of Council communications, it would still have all the leverage it needed."

"If it thought they were not needed, it would likely kill them." He felt his heart pounding.

"Being responsible for such losses would leave me incapable of functioning on many levels. The guilt would be overwhelming." She stroked his cheek with her free hand. "Seeing you like this is hard enough."

His breathing quickened. Could he have misjudged her aloofness? Had his ploy succeeded? "Benezia, I'm not worthy of your affection. I'm just a Spectre."

"You are much more than that." She bent and kissed him lightly on one cheek, then the other.

He groaned as her hands went to his horns. "Perhaps we can find a way to free them."

"Tell me, how do you think they could be freed?" She watched him carefully, her fingertips lightly brushing his horns.

"When you've accomplished what it wants from you," he said, his eyes half closed with pleasure, "it could release you all."

"You too?"

He stared up into her face, reading passion in her glowing eyes. "You could release me now," he growled as he captured both her wrists in his hands.

"With so much guilt already pressing on me?" Her eyes burned. "With your wounds?"

"Yes, we could relieve each other's burdens." The tingles from her touch faded from his head, and he pulled her toward him.

"Promise to get them safely off this ship."

"I promise," he growled. He surged forward as the last of his control deserted him and sunk his teeth deep into her breast.

She did not cry out, but she did struggle, vainly trying to push him away.

He bit harder, his mouth filling with her sweet blood, his tongue lapping it. He released her wrists, his talons clutching at her back, clawing until he heard her dress tear. His talons gouged her back. Still she didn't cry out. He rolled on top of her, his talons releasing catches on his armor.

Pain shot through him as she grasped his mandibles, one in either glowing hand. She applied pressure, pushing them apart, forcing him to release her breast, pushing him off her and on to his back. "You're much more than a Spectre," she spit at him as she tightened her grasp on his mandibles and dark energy surged around her, "you're a monster." The wave of energy pouring from her burned him as it coursed through him. He clawed at her wrists. "Did you think I wouldn't be able to _smell_ them on you?!"

He understood at last the meaning of her glowing eyes. He screamed as she tore his mandibles from his face.


	20. Ceremony of Innocence, Part 1

**Ceremony of Innocence, part 1**

from W.B. Yeat's _The Second Coming_

_Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;  
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,  
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere  
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;_

_A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,_  
_Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it_  
_Wind shadows of the indignant desert birds._

* * *

_Shepard stared at the tree. The trunk and branches were black and bent. Pale, pink flowers hung in clumps from the bough tips and from whorls in its rough bark. They glistened in the artificial sunlight. It reminded her of cherry trees, like those planted on Mindoir. The shape of the blossoms differed, however. These had more petals, and a white blush radiated from a tiny red star at the heart of each. _

_"Commander Shepard…"_

_From the dais on the far side of the chamber, the asari councilor regarded her with shining eyes. An intricate pattern of white lines streaking the councilor's face made it hard to read her expression. _

_"Step forward."_

_Anderson smiled and nodded at Shepard as she glanced over. Two strides carried her to the edge of the ramp that ended in the middle of Council Chamber. Movement from the encircling, recessed galleries drew her eye. A wide variety of races jostled each other to get closer to the railings._

_"It is the decision of the Council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch of the Citadel."_

* * *

"Feros Command, this is Spectre Saren Arterius. A high-ranking diplomat onboard my ship requires urgent medical attention." Benezia convulsed on the stretcher, and he motioned her acolytes to restrain her. The blood-soaked bedsheets around her throat must not be dislodged. "Direct me to your nearest medical facility and have a team waiting."

"This colony has class 7 research status," The ExoGeni Air Command operator informed him. "You are entering restricted airspace. Turn back, or we will open fire."

The small geth ship shook as it entered the atmosphere. "You will provide me with the assistance I require or your charter and license will be revoked, and your company's assets opened to search and seizure." With his omni, he sent an order to the geth ships in orbit to target and bombard all defense stations if any opened fire. He wasn't taking any chances with Benezia on board.

Static from the open channel crackled over the comm. before a reply came. "Spectre, we have confirmed your ident. Resume orbit and stand by. Our colony is under quarantine. We'll send a medical team to you."

"Negative. Send me the location or an escort, now!"

The pause didn't last as long. "Coordinates inbound. Medical team requests details."

"She's asari."

* * *

Tevos placed the datapad on the demagnetization tray. Normally, such a small thing as a communications relay in the Theseus System going quiet would not have come to her attention. However, Tevos had ordered that all human-colonized planets with significant Prothean ruins be monitored after reading Commander Shepard's Eden Prime report, including the failure that was Feros. That dry, sterile colony, cluttered with ruins had enjoyed none of Eden Prime's advantages or success. ExoGeni Corporation had been posting losses from it for years. Regardless of Shepard's report, Tevos would have dismissed the blackout as a result of ExoGeni's inevitable extraction process if the listening team had not unscrambled and confirmed Saren's ident. before sending her the transcript of the relay's last transmissions.

She leaned forward on her elbows, half attending to the gurgle of the fountains lining the walls of her office. The transcript troubled her greatly. She considered the facts at hand. Commander Shepard had reported Saren leading a geth attack, Saren had requested emergency medical assistance for a high-ranking asari diplomat, Lady Benezia had not been in touch, Nilhus' body had been recovered from Eden Prime, and the beacon had been destroyed. Everything pointed to galatic peace being in serious jeopardy. Tevos pressed the intercom button. "Please invite Matriarch Lidanya to join me in my office."

Her mind raced. If on Eden Prime Lady Benezia had suffered serious injury at the human's hands, if she'd been unconscious and Saren feared her dead, or held captive and in peril, he might have done all Commander Shepard claimed to follow Tevos' own orders. Lady Benezia would never have condoned such an attack and would have stopped it, if she could. If she couldn't, well, an attack on her was an act of war far more serious than any on Eden Prime. Yet if she was seriously injured, taking her to Feros for assistance made little sense.

Tevos had to see what lay behind the facts. Lady Benezia might have ordered Saren not to report her injury if she still hoped to avoid war, or she might not have been injured. The message could have been a ploy to gain access to Feros, or to expedite medical care for one of her companions. Negotiations might still hang in the balance. On the surface, the geth seemed to have allied themselves with Lady Benezia and Saren, suggesting that the initial mission had succeeded. Yet the pair had remained silent, and the geth had invaded Eden Prime. Perhaps Lady Benezia had been unable to thwart a geth attack altogether, but had redirected it to a target with smaller impact? Perhaps Feros was another such place?

The Potnia had foreseen an invasion of machines. Tevos had been there when she discussed it with the Matriarchies. It was why Lady Benezia had insisted on accompanying Saren against their advice. Tevos rested her forehead in one of her hands and stared down at the table. Somehow the beacon figured in this. Had it been a trap? A decoy? Saren had left it behind. That would make more sense if it was a fake, or the source of harm. Could the humans have found a way to injure the Potnia with it? She would not have been easily harmed. Yet Commander Shepard had been affected with a kind of wound that might well be worse for an asari. Was she collateral damage? Why had she not encountered commandos if Lady Benezia had been injured? Why had she only encountered geth?

Then Nihlus, he'd been one of their best, and he'd been shot at point blank range. It would have had to have been by someone he trusted. She could only imagine three people who could have done it-Lady Benezia, Saren or Commander Shepard. Lady Benezia could be ruled out; the Potnia wouldn't have used a gun and wouldn't have had any reason to attack him. Commander Shepard would probably not have gained his trust so quickly. That left Saren. Tevos frowned.

The intercom chimed. "Councilor, the Consort is here to see you."

Tevos straightened and returned her hands to her lap. "Send her in."

* * *

"Take it easy," Shepard said slowly lifting her palms into the air. "Nobody needs to get hurt. I don't want any trouble. Just let her go."

Around them the tables emptied fast. Leyne rolled her eyes. "Garsank, if this is about my expose on Fist, that wasn't personal."

The krogan tightened his grip on her neck. "Neither is this."

"Whoa, hold up! It's personal to me!" Shepard waved a hand at the massive krogan. "She's one of my only friends. Let's talk about this!"

"You'll have to make a new one." The krogan grinned at Shepard, who heard a click as a gun cocked behind her.

Keeping her hands in the air, she looked behind her and saw two more fully armored krogan standing slightly back and covering her with shotguns. "Garstink, I don't have those kind of skills." The place had emptied, and another pair of krogan stood by the door. She saw that Kaidan and Ashley had been flanked. They were outnumbered two to one. "I have to pay people to follow me, just like you."

The krogan's eyes narrowed and his lip curled. "Then no one will miss you." He pointed his shotgun at Shepard, and his finger tightened on the trigger. With his other hand, he pushed Leyne's face down.

"Not the …," Leyne protested. "Have you seen how dirty these tables are?" She grimaced and closed her eyes as Garsank pressed her cheek into it.

"Uh, Commander?" Ashley had her assault rifle trained on the krogans behind Shepard.

Shepard's eyes narrowed. "What if I decide I like trouble after all, Garstunk?" Her hands dropped to the table. "Living until 86 is overrated…"

The krogan grinned, his finger tightening on the trigger. "Then we're both about to be very pleased."

* * *

_Valern picked up where Tevos left off, his high-pitched voice ringing through the chamber. "Spectres are not trained but chosen, individuals forged in the fire of service and battle, those who actions elevate them above the rank and file."_

_Shepard lifted her chin. It seemed two of the Councilors had approved her. She didn't know if the decision had to be unanimous. It was all political expediency anyway. Maybe Leyne was right; maybe she had become more cynical. It was hard not to, in her line of work. _

* * *

A medical team ran toward the landing pad. Intended only for shuttles, the pad couldn't accommodate the geth ship. Saren and then the acolytes jumped down, the acolytes easing the stretcher onto the rooftop with their biotics. His eyes narrowed as he watched the humans touch Benezia. If she died, he would kill them.

He watched her weak writhing as they hurried toward the roof access. The memory of the Council-arranged negotiations after the Relay Incident surfaced in his mind. He'd been smart enough to see what she was doing without understanding how. After the signing of the accords, he'd managed to be one of the few who got to shake her hand, but he'd been too star-struck to say anything. After she left, he'd searched Palaven's archives for information on her and had found vids of when she'd been the hierarchy's guest. She'd been pregnant the first time, and had seemed softer, less intimidating. She and her daughter had returned to Palaven twenty years later. He'd wished he had met her during those years, but the vids were almost one hundred years old. It had happened long before he had been born.

One of the human guards fell in beside him as he entered the building behind the stretcher. "Welcome to Feros."

Saren monitored the humans tending Benezia closely. "Don't remove that!"

One of the medics glanced back, lowering her hands from the blood-soaked bedsheet. "Can you describe the extent and nature of the injury?"

"She was stabbed in the throat."

"That's an usual wound." The guard commented. "How'd it happen?"

"We were on a diplomatic mission when an assassin attacked her."

Benezia's face contorted as she fought for breath, her throat making a horrible gurgling sound, and all attention turned back to her. They raced to the nearest elevator, exiting a few floors down. Saren glimpsed a makeshift surgery, and more humans. "Are there no asari doctors or specialists on this whole planet?" Saren stood a good foot taller than the guard, who released him as soon as he tensed. Saren saw a flash of uncertainty cross the man's face. "Bring them!"

"She has her asari companions already in the E.R. with her."

"She needs specialists!"

"Then you should have landed somewhere else!"

Saren turned on the human. "You know what I think, human?"

"That's Colonel Toredo," The big man bridled. "Spectre!"

"Your authorities tried to wave me off twice despite the nature of my request, and now you withhold life-saving help." Saren advanced menacingly on the human. "I think your entire operations may need to be … inspected."

"By you and what army?" The Colonel snorted. "You have more pressing concerns."

Saren gave the human the dead eye. "If an army would get your attention, that can be arranged."

"Spare me your bluster. We'll have moved out by the time you could rally troops. The colony's a failure." The human leaned back against the opposite wall of the hallway, one hand still casually on the assault weapon hanging from a strap over his shoulder. "The asari are too smart to bother with this planet, and you turians know it holds no military value, just rubble and dust, way too much dust, even if it is Prothean."

The beeping of medical equipment could be heard emanating from the room behind Saren. "Do you know who your people are operating on right now?"

The human leaned back against the opposite wall. "Can't say that I do."

"She's the foremost religious leader of the asari. If she dies because of some failure on your part, her people will find you, and you'll wish I'd shot you dead here and now, Colonel."

The human raised one eye marking. Ignorant as he was, he clearly had heard the stories. "We … we do have one asari doctor on site…."

"I suggest you get her here now."

The colonel shook his head, "… she's not that kind of doctor."

"Not medical?" Saren felt his adrenaline surge. "What's her name?"

"Rana Thanopsis, she specializes in brain waves." The human shrugged. "I don't see how she could help."

Saren stared at him.

After a pause, the human turned away to use his omni-tool.

While the human was distracted, Saren strode into the E.R. Some of the acolytes restrained Benezia with biotics while the doctors swabbed and attempted to cauterize and suture her wound. A tube had been put down her throat, and she wasn't choking anymore, but purple blood still pulsed weakly from her neck. Off to one side, a medic drew blood from some of the other acolytes.

"You can't be in here," the medic drawing blood informed him. He didn't stop what he was doing.

A doctor at the operating table tapped the readout on a nearby machine. "She shouldn't be convulsing. It doesn't make sense. She can breathe now."

Saren went to stand by Benezia's head, careful not to touch the machines or doctors. He leaned in as close as he could to her.

"Someone get him out of here!" a doctor with blood-soaked gloves stopped what she was doing and looked up at him. "You're blocking the light."

"I'll keep my promise," he whispered to Benezia. "I'll release them all here, but you have to see me do it, or I won't."

"Spectre, get out of there, or I'll haul you out!" the Colonel shouted from the doorway.

"The blade … that … stabbed her … had … poison on it." The asari restraining Benezia's right hand had tear tracks on her face, but otherwise her expression was blank. She spoke haltingly, as if admitting something against her will. The asari at Benezia's left hand looked at her. Saren stopped walking toward the door.

The medic with the gauze pad staunching the blood flow stopped dabbing at it. "What kind?"

"I … don't know."

Saren's eyes narrowed as he strode out of the room, pushing past the Colonel.

* * *

Tevos did not rise as Sha'ira entered the room.

Sha'ira bowed her head. "My apologies, Paraclete Tevos, for not receiving you when you came to my chambers."

"I am not accustomed to being turned away, Hetera." Tevos remained still.

"Nor should you be," Sha'ira gestured to a young member of her house waiting by the doors, "and I offer a gift to show the sincerity of my contrition." The young asari stepped into Tevos' line of sight, carrying a silver platter full of goods available only through the households of heterai and the monasteries.

Tevos slowly rose and walked over, taking in the sight of the artisanal teas, alcohols, fruits, cheeses and spreads. She nodded slightly, and the young asari placed the platter on a sideboard, decanted one of the liquors and returned to kneel and offer a small glass of it. Tevos brushed the young one's fingers slightly, and admired the responding small tremble, so artfully done, but didn't take the glass. "What gift do you offer?" she asked the suppliant.

"My companions say there is none like me for beguiling the hours with music, with song and strings, whatever melody you desire." The young one gazed up at her with admiration and innocence. "Whatever mood."

"A rare gift, indeed, and one I'd gladly accept if I didn't need something else from the Hetera herself." Tevos glanced at Sha'ira, who stood waiting.

Sha'ira bowed her head. "How may I serve?"

"With a gift of words."

"You may have that as well, of course. There is no need to choose."

"Such graciousness removes all memory of offense." Tevos walked to Sha'ira and the two clasped arms at the elbows. "Please, make yourself comfortable. I will pour us tea." She dismissed the kneeling acolyte and went to the sideboard to collect a small metal teapot and two cups.

Returning to where Sha'ira sat, Tevos placed the small, hand-sized cups on the circular table there and together they poured libations over the statues Athame and the Onesoul before Tevos filled Sha'ira's cup, and Sha'ira, Tevos'.

They sipped in silence, savoring the flavor, each tending her own thoughts. Tevos considered carefully what she would ask Sha'ira. Saren's confidence and clever courting had conveyed an arrogance and intelligence she'd found amusing and charming by turns. The complexity and strength of his will had been compelling, but their joining had shaken her. The bitter repression in his raw desire, his need to be the best, to dominate—she had warned Lady Benezia.

The pouring of the second cups by Tevos signaled the time to speak had come. "This tea was a gift from the garden of Lady Benezia, as was this pot and these cups. She told me she cultivated the berries and spices herself, with her acolytes." Tevos examined the purple, pink and yellow hues running over the metal cup's exterior, the visible markers of the content's heat. "Perhaps you saw this batch growing."

Sha'ira smiled. "Perhaps. She did share her plans to gift some of what she jokingly called her Uni-Tea to each of the galaxy's leaders." She paused, and took a sip. "How fitting she should give you yours with an Eezo pot. I've never seen a finish like this on one, not even on Thessia. It's beautiful."

Tevos sipped. "You saw a lighter side of her than she shared in public or with me."

"Even the Potnia may laugh at Janiris celebrations." Sha'ira cradled her cup. "I saw her most for those."

Tevos suspended her cup by her fingertips, allowing the steam from the tea to heat her palm. "You grew up together."

Sha'ira inclined her head.

"That gives you rare insight. Tell me, did she ever," Tevos watched Sha'ira out of the corner of her eye, "make mistakes, as a child or a maiden? I find it hard to imagine, though I suspect she would freely admit as much, and share a story, if she were here."

"How strange to focus on her failings and her youth." Sha'ira looked at the small statue of Athame beside the teapot on the table, "We all make mistakes, she as much as any other, although perhaps she more than most insisted on learning from them."

"Did she?" Tevos let the question hang there. The dark smudges under Sha'ira's eyes and slight pauses had not been lost on her.

"She has never given anyone reason to question…"

"Sha'ira, I am concerned." Tevos set her cup down with a quiet click and reached out to steady the Consort's shaking fingers with her own. "We cannot afford to keep all our secrets now. What do you know?"

"I've had no news or visions." Sha'ira closed her eyes, tears glistening in their corners. "My dreams burden me. They are unlike any others, intrusive, persistent, with no images, only … pain, terrible…."

Tevos took Sha'ira's cup, set it down and gently stroked Sha'ira's fingers. She did not doubt the sincerity of Sha'ira's emotion, and understood why she'd been turned away. The Consort was afraid.

Sha'ira pulled her fingers from Tevos' grasp. "You believe Benezia made a mistake going on this trip?" She wiped the tears from her face, her eyes on Tevos.

Tevos stood, clasping her hands behind her back and straightening her shoulders out of long habit. "The mistake is mine if anything has happened to her."

Leaning back, her expression sharpening, Sha'ira spoke one word. "Saren."

Tevos made up her mind. "If I ask, would you share your latest dream, Consort, and some of my memories of Saren, before offering your gift of words?"

After a moment, Sha'ira held out her hands, palms up.

* * *

"NOW," Shepard shouted, kicking her chair out from under her toward the krogans behind her and lunging across the tabletop, knocking it down on its side as she collided with the merc holding Leyne. The sudden dropping out of the table's support and the impact of Shepard's body threw him off-balance, and they went down together, his shot going wide.

Loud reports of rifle fire rung out around the room. When the echoes had finally faded, the situation had changed. Shepard had the merc who'd threatened Leyne pinned to the floor and his rifle twisted in his hands to point at his head. Leyne huddled behind the tabletop, arms over her head as fragments of plasticrete dripped down from a gaping hole in the ceiling. Kaidan and Ashley had leapt the counter and taken cover behind the bar. One of the krogan who'd been behind them lay groaning on the ground in a growing pool of blood. Another krogan had dragged him behind the tabletop Ashley and Kaidan had been using, leaving a slippery smear of blood.

With a roar, the mercs who'd been impeded by Shepard's chair charged the table providing her and Leyne some cover. Staccato fire from behind the bar dropped one, bleeding from the head, while the other grabbed the table's central leg and lifted it. Using the entire table as a shield, he kept charging, pushing Leyne back toward the alcove with it. She managed to roll to the side before the krogan crashed past, slamming into other tables and the wall.

Meanwhile, the krogan Shepard had pinned surged up. She drove her elbow into one of his eyes, and he grunted in pain. She twisted the shotgun in his hand even harder. His finger, caught in the trigger guard, popped out of joint and then depressed the trigger, spattering his brains all over.

The krogan who had charged past disentangled himself from the tables. He spun around, and Shepard drew her pistol. He took two steps before she drilled him in both eyes, one after the other, from where she lay. His body crashed to the ground and slid between Shepard and Leyne, spurting blood. The two mercs by the door took cover.

Shepard shifted into a crouch, glancing over at her friend. "You okay, Leynie?"

Leyne looked at Shepard with disgust. "I'm never going to drinks with you again." She wiped krogan brains off her face and flicked it away.

"That seems harsh, given I just saved your life, again." Shepard frowned.

Leyne dragged herself farther into the alcove, placing her back against the side facing the door. "You're the reason my life was at risk … again."

"We've got incoming, Commander," Kaidan called out. A steady stream of mercs, some krogan, some human, poured out from a hallway on the opposite side of the room, taking cover as they did. One of them, larger than the rest, walked toward the room's center. Massive scars marked his plates and ran down the side of his face. Two red targeting dots trembled on him then swept away as Ash and Kaidan opted to cover the others advancing on the bar.

Shepard rolled to the side, grabbed the lip of a table near the back wall and brought it down. She went into a crouch behind it. "Again?" Shepard glanced over at Leyne. "I didn't put you at risk on Elysium."

"I wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for you," She dialed up her omni. "I'm calling C-Sec."

The scarred krogan chuckled, the deep rumble of it loud enough to be heard over the scrape of boots in the room.

"Leyne…." Shepard gestured for Leyne to join her behind the table.

With a wave of his hand, the scarred krogan flung the table providing Shepard cover to the side. She charged him, shots ringing out from around the room. Weaving left and right and keeping low, she moved too quickly for them to draw down on her. When she reached the main floor, she threw herself into a slide, shooting at the krogan with both hands on her pistol, steadying it and firing until it overheated as she slid to a halt at his feet. His shields glimmered brightly. They had deflected every shot. The krogan reached down, grabbed her by the throat and lifted her off the ground, her legs kicking out for purchase. He looked her in the eye. "You must be Commander Shepard."

Not releasing her pistol, Shepard clutched at the massive hand holding her, but his claws pressed into her neck on either side of her trachea. Getting free would require tearing her own throat out. "You're a battlemaster," she managed, staring him in the eye. "I didn't know there were any left."

"What are you going to do now, bite me?" The krogan's eyes glinted as he chuckled again. By now a pair of krogans had reached Leyne and had her at gunpoint. "The proprietor of this place, Fist, wants to speak with you." He grinned, a big toothy grin as her pistol beeped to indicate it had cooled and could fire. "Your move."

Shepard took in the situation. Four krogans surrounded Kaidan and Ash, two had captured Leyne, and two remained by the door. Three krogans lay dead, another groaning and bleeding, but 12 human mercs now ringed the room as well, weapons ready.

"All you had to do was ask." She tucked her pistol back into its holster. "Take me to your leader. I surrender."


	21. Passport to the Darkness

**Passport to the Darkness**

from Virgil's _Aeneid_, _Book Six_

_Until this bough, this bloom of light, is found,  
No one receives [a] passport to the darkness  
Whose queen requires this tribute. In succession,  
After the bough is plucked, another grows,  
Gold-green with the same metal. Raise the eyes,  
Look up, reach up the hand, and it will follow  
With ease, if fate is calling; otherwise,  
No power, no steel, can loose it._

* * *

Sleep slowly left her, but Benezia did not rise. She had opened her eyes and shut them again. It didn't make a difference. Either way, darkness.

From nearby she heard soft sounds.

She sat up quickly, her heart pounding. "Who's there?"

"Hepta … Thesmophoros, it is I." More soft sounds.

"Shiala?"

"Yes?" The voice came from higher, closer.

Relief washed over Benezia, then annoyance. "Why are you here? I said I didn't want to be disturbed." Benezia sunk back down on the bed.

Footfalls so quiet she had to concentrate to hear them went to the far side of the bed. Dishes scraped against one another. Benezia heard them clink on a tray. "If none of this food and drink pleases you, what can I bring you that will?"

Benezia turned away from Shiala's voice and closed her eyes again. They strained to see and ached if she left them open. "My sight."

The footsteps receded, and a waft of air went through the room followed by the soft thud of the door closing.

"What would you do if you could see?" Shiala's voice came from by the door.

Benezia said nothing.

"What would you do?" Shiala's voice was closer.

"Go about my business," Benezia replied softly. "Please leave."

"Why don't you go for a swim?"

"You know why." She felt so tired.

"Do you swim with your eyes?"

"Shiala," she stirred on the bed, turning back in the direction of the voice, her eyes open again. "Why won't you listen to me when I ask you to leave?"

"I swore oaths, pledges you accepted." Shiala's voice grew closer. "It hasn't even been a year, so they remain fresh in my recollection." Footsteps went away from the bed, and Shiala's voice grew more distant. "That's why I'm sure I swore to help you lead and serve, not feel sorry for yourself." A sliding sound signaled the opening of a window. Birdsong and a cool breeze wafted in.

Anger coursed through Benezia. "Close that!" She pushed the covers down and sat. "Leave me in peace!"

Water poured out somewhere nearby. "You didn't leave me."

Benezia's anger drained away. "That was different."

Water sloshed and then trickled. "Yes, it was."

Benezia sighed. "What do you want from me, Shiala?"

"You've had time to mourn." Shiala wrung something over the basin. "There's work to do."

Benezia lay down again.

"The Potnia manages without her sight." A wet cloth touched Benezia's shoulder and rubbed down her arm.

"Stop!" She rolled away from Shiala, off the other side of the bed. "That's freezing!"

"So's the sea this time of year. Isn't that one of your spiritual disciplines?"

Feeling behind her for the wall, Benezia backed away from Shiala's calm voice. "That's enough." When she reached it, she followed it, searching for the closet, and a robe, but she couldn't find the panel to press. Her feet encountered something soft, and she stumbled, Shiala's hands quick to catch and support her.

For a moment they stood there like that, Benezia frowning.

"You've been sleeping on the floor?"

Shiala dropped her hands. "Yes."

Benezia tried to relax. "The Potnia stays in the Prototemenos, Shiala. That's not who or how I want to be. I don't know how to be who I am, not like this."

"So you stay in your room?"

Taking a deep breath, Benezia held out a hand for the cloth. "I can bathe myself."

Shiala handed it to her. "Why don't you go for a swim?"

"Because I wouldn't be able to find the shore again!" Walking slowly and groping in front of her, Benezia explored until she found the edge of the bed. She used it as a guide, moving along the far side of the bed. Before she realized she'd reached it, she knocked the basin with her shoulder. She felt it wobble, and grabbed for it, but her arm caught the lip. It flipped off its stand, spilling the cold water all over her and falling to the floor with a loud crash. Overbalanced, Benezia fell too. As water dripped down her, she balled her fists and shouted at the top of her lungs for as long as she could, with her next breath following it up with a particularly vivid string of scatological epithets in an Armali street dialect.

Someone knocked on the bedroom door. "Everything alright in there?" A commando's voice came muffled through the door.

"No one's injured," Shiala replied.

Benezia leaned back against the side of the bed with an audible sigh. She closed her eyes, and her shoulders slumped. When Shiala's hand touched her shoulder, she didn't move. "Shiala, please, I have nothing to give. I'm useless."

"So receive." Shiala squatted beside her and chuckled. "Or teach vocabulary. I learned a few words."

The door crashed open. "What happened!?" Eidothea rushed in, with several others, judging by the number of footfalls. "Is she okay?"

" 'She' lost a battle with a basin of water," Benezia announced, and bit her lip. "Sweet Goddess have mercy on me, a fool."

Shiala laughed, and the room got very quiet.

Benezia reached out toward where the sound had come from. Making contact with Shiala's knee, Benezia pushed her. "You are a terrible doulous." Then her smile turned to laughter too. The two of them sat there laughing in the cold puddle, while the others started cleaning up the mess.

When Benezia moved to get up, someone offered her a hand. She pushed it aside, and steadying herself with the side of the bed, rose to her feet. Asking for a robe, she donned it and cautiously made her way out of the room, each step a foray into darkness. She kept her hands out in front of her and walked slowly, sometimes sliding a foot ahead before stepping forward on it, especially on the stairs. As she progressed through the house, douli and the commandos came forward, greeting her with soft voices or gentle touches to her hands and sleeves.

"It's good to ... Good morning, Hepta."

"Go a little more to your right."

"We've missed you."

"Athame's light guide you."

"Careful, there's a table there."

By the time she reached the kitchen, she felt overwhelmed by all the kindness and support from so many she'd taken for granted for too long. She broke down, covering her face with her sleeve to hide her tears. A moment later, a pair of arms hesitantly encircled her, and then another.

"It'll be alright, Hepta." She recognized Chara's voice. Chara always had been exceptionally compassionate.

"We'll help you." That sounded like Eidothea, the stalwart head of the douli.

Benezia let them support her for a moment, leaning on and drawing strength from them, then squeezed their shoulders and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. "I'm sorry. I've behaved poorly." She didn't try to hide her embarrassment now. "I didn't realize how much I've always relied on my sight, or how many things I love to see every day, including your faces." She had to stop to not lose her composure again. When she'd collected herself, she continued. "I didn't know how much I'd miss them. Thank you, for bearing with me in my weakness." She drew a deep breath. "May I have a piece of fruit, please?"

* * *

_Wails and screams, angry muttering and the dripping of water blended with the tang of bodily wastes. Benezia suppressed a lip curl. Metal banged on metal and shouts echoed down the dark corridor ahead as the barred gate swung open. She rarely came to this level of the prison. If she was honest with herself, she'd admit that she feared those kept here. She feared them because they showed the limits and potential each asari shared. They scared her because they were not so different from her, and because she felt completely ineffectual here. _

_As much as possible, however, Benezia was not honest with herself about her fears so that it wouldn't get in the way of fulfilling her assigned duties. Being the seventh of Seven and the second from Armali, she frequently received the tasks the others didn't want. They'd be delighted if she resisted or tried to get out of it. It gave them ammunition to try to force her out or to build coalitions against her. Whoever took over for her would resent it. She didn't even ask anyone else to accompany her on these rounds in part for those reasons, but mostly because she didn't want others to witnesses to her failings. She went with only the level's guard._

_The guard lifted her light by the bars of the first cell. The government had refused to upgrade this level, to spend anything on electricity, or to install anything computerized or even decent facilities. To do so would acknowledge that this level existed, and that these people did. Instead the government let them rot here, in their own filth, before they made sure they didn't exist any longer. Thessia claimed to have eliminated capital punishment millennia ago, but all it had done was to hide the proceedings from the public and the law. That's why only Hepta had access. The extensive screenings they underwent, their high-level security clearance and life-forfeiting oaths still wouldn't have granted them that if at some historical moment a Potnia had not insisted that the prisoners receive last blessings or rights before their executions. Each Potnia since had continued the tradition. Next week, the prisoners on this level would all be killed, so it was time for Benezia to make the required rounds. In the dim light, she saw someone huddled near the bars. It reflected green then yellow off the occupant's eyes. _

_"I'm Benezia, Hierea of Athame, here to offer you last blessings, and the chance to receive the rite of absolution before your sentence is carried out."_

_Hands curled around the bars. "Athame—it was Athame who told me do it!" The voice had a husky sing-song quality._

_"Will you confess the wrongs you have committed before Athame who sees all?"_

_The occupant knelt. "I will."_

_Benezia nodded to the guard who walked away, down the corridor, out of earshot, taking the light with her. "You may begin."_

_"I violated the soul of my mother and the soul of my sister. I violated the soul of my neighbor's 12-year-old daughter." Rustling came from the other side of the bars, where Benezia could see the occupant move to a crouch. "I drank deep, Hierea."_

_"Are you truly sorry for the harm you've done?" Benezia felt for the flask of holy water in her robe's small carrying pouch._

_"I can tell you how it felt, why I did it." A hand reached out through the bars. "They wanted me to do it, to take away their pain. I can share it with you, take your pain away, too."_

_"Whatever you choose to tell me in contrition, I will listen to. It leads to absolution if you feel sorrow for the pain you've caused, and you've ceased to do such harm."_

_"I _am_ sorry I ate them before I'd used them up. Athame made me! She made them delicious, whispered to me how to do it, when to do it. She made it possible." The prisoner strained to reach her. "Pray with me, Hierea. I serve her too."_

_Benezia made the sign of the three. "May Athame grant their souls peace when you rest at last." She walked away. _

* * *

The aide reading her correspondence didn't notice that her attention had wandered. So many messages had been waiting for her. A biotic amp lobby was forming in the southern polis and intergalactic coalitions and deals were being made, with some serious salarian and turian competition that bordered on open conflict. It indicated some possible shifts in the salarian government she'd need to explore. For more than two hours, she'd been listening to reports and messages and dictating responses, as appropriate. She felt along the desktop. The pile of datapads had shrunk. Her thoughts turned to a related matter. There had to be a way to encode some of the messages so that she could read them with a neural link. She would have to learn how to do that, arrange for a secure adapter. Some of the waiting messages came from the Armali matriarchy and were classified. Those the assistant couldn't access. They might just be congratulations on her new position, but she needed to make sure. She'd have to call and explain the situation, or request an audience. A sigh escaped her at the thought.

"Deira, thank you, but that will be all for now. There are things I must attend to privately."

"Yes, Hepta T'Soni." Her administrative aides had done a good job managing the smaller things during her absence from her office in the Armali capitol building. It would be fitting to purchase resort vacations for them to show her gratitude.

As the aide left, Benezia's thoughts strayed to Aethyta, and she ran her fingers absently over the keyboard in front of her. The memory of their joining still made her shiver. She'd never lost control like that, or gone so far inside someone or for so long. It had been revealing, embarrassing and painful. Given the whole fiasco, it seemed unlikely she'd hear from her again, and that was probably for the best. Still, she wanted to call her, just to hear her voice, to know how she was doing. Embarrassment crowded in with the thought. She was becoming clingy in her middle age. Part of her still couldn't believe she'd actually sought her out. Aethyta had seen right through that. She rubbed her fingers over her forehead. She'd call Sha'ira instead. Sha'ira'd get a good laugh out of the whole thing. No, on second thought, she wouldn't tell Sha'ira.

"You are not an easy person to reach."

Benezia started at the unexpected interruption. She'd thought she was alone.

"Hepta T'Soni, Matriarch Terilene is here for her 4 o'clock appointment. Will you need any refreshments?" Disapproval leaked into Deira's voice.

"I'm sorry to startle you." Amusement sounded in the matriarch's voice. "After waiting three months to get in, my anticipation overcame my sense of decorum."

"Matriarch Terilene," Benezia held out her hands, palms up and fingers together, "you honor me with your presence. Your enthusiasm intrigues me, and I look forward to learning its source." She heard the other approach, and felt her squeeze her fingers. The touch lingered a moment longer than the circumstances required. "Do you desire anything to eat or drink?"

"Perhaps some elasa, to celebrate the approach of spring."

Benezia nodded in the direction of the aide, and wished she had practiced making her way to the chairs. "Matriarch, would you be so kind as to lead me to the chairs?"

"You can't see?" A hand grasped her elbow lightly. "What happened?"

"It's a mystery." When the matriarch placed her hand on the arm of the chair, she inclined her head. "Thank you." She waited for her guest to sit.

The adjacent chair made a small sound. "Perhaps it has something to do then with the congratulations I hear are in order." The matriarch's voice came from lower. "Though what that suggests of the initiation practices of the Temple is intimidating."

"Nor could I offer you reassurance." Benezia sat. "Word travels fast." She could hear the aide pouring their drinks in the background.

"It's not the sort of thing the matriarchies keep from each other. Armali is very proud. Serrice had hoped its candidate would receive the honor, but I am glad to know it's you."

Benezia felt the glass at her fingertips and took it. "Eezo?"

"Yes, please."

The aide returned to drop the cubes in each of their glasses, then left.

Benezia wished she could see her visitor. How could she gauge what to say without those clues? "Pantariste is a gifted, natural leader and an eloquent speaker. She brings Serrice much honor."

"She comes from a good family and is well chosen. We are proud of her." Terilene took a sip. "Still, Serrice has had its eye on you for some time." The way Terilene said it sounded suggestive.

Benezia sipped her drink and waited. Whatever it sounded like, matriarchs rarely, if ever, propositioned matrons. Cross-stage romances were frowned upon. Perceived power could prove a potent aphrodisiac, however, and it was possible that even a matriarch might find her suddenly interesting, or have a priestess fantasy she had not managed to indulge already. Still, Terilene would know the limits placed on any Hepta, and the restrictions on a Chloe. This could be a test or a ploy to advance Pantariste.

"We know the prophecy, and believe the Pythia infallible."

Benezia inclined her head, and took a sip of elasa.

Terilene's chair creaked. "I had hoped we would speak at lunch after the vote, but you disappeared. Recent events have only increased the urgency and importance of the matter I'd like to discuss with you. When you didn't return and Hepta Narissa couldn't find you, she explained that someone had likely importuned you?"

Catching her swallow, Benezia carefully set her glass down on the arm of the chair again.

When Benezia didn't speak, Terilene continued, "I almost didn't come today. Your staff put me in a long queue, even when I told them who I am and who I represent. I am not accustomed to being treated with so little consideration. There is much I would like to discuss with you to the mutual benefit of our poli, but being shown disregard does not build trust."

Benezia swallowed and nodded. "My apologies, Mitera. My staff is not responsible. They were following my orders to give no one preferential treatment. I hear everyone in turn, and many in Armali seek my counsel or support. Please forgive the inconvenience and your wait, and especially my missing the lunch I'd invited you to. I only have an hour now before my next appointment, but if you'll allow me to make amends, as Athame would have it, Narissa dines with me at my home tonight. Why don't join us? I promise you'll have my attention."

"It would be my pleasure, Chloe T'Soni." A finger brushed lightly over the top of Benezia's hand. "Thank you. I'm relieved that accosting you is not the only way to get your attention." The matriarch paused. "Would you will permit me to offer you some advice?"

"As you wish."

"You would be wise to revise your way of arranging meetings. Not every potential ally would be as understanding."

"Wise counsel, indeed, Terilene." Benezia forced herself to relax. "So, to business, would your urgent matter perhaps concern emerging technologies?"

Terilene laughed, took a sip and savored it before she answered. "No, Benezia, converging ones."

* * *

_The guard let Benezia into the next cell, where the occupant lay in restraints on a cot. Benezia sat with her and tried to connect with her, but could get no lucid response. The mumbling and muttering occupant didn't know where she was or why, or even the year. After a half-hour of awkward dead-end exchanges, Benezia anointed the prisoner's forehead with the sign of the three and left. _

_At the next cell, the occupant did not respond to their greetings and could not be seen. The guard's light wasn't strong enough to show the corners. _

_"Please open the door."_

_The guard looked at her. "I can't leave this one open."_

_A high-pitched shriek came from down the corridor, but neither glanced in that direction. "I know."_

_"She's very dangerous, Hierea. You should skip this one."_

_"Everyone gets a chance to be heard and blessed."_

_"She's probably dead already." The guard pointed her light ahead of them, toward the other cells. "She won't complain that you skipped her."_

_Benezia waited._

_"Have it your way." The guard extended her stun baton. With a jangle, she pulled out the keys and opened the door. As soon as Benezia entered the cell, she slammed it shut again with a clang and relocked it. _

_Trying to locate the occupant, Benezia walked to the opposite side of the cell and let her biotics flare enough to provide some light. It took a few moments, but when her eyes had adjusted, she saw the prisoner huddled in the far corner. She was naked, except for the biotic restraint collar. Long scratches marked her arms, back and crests. She was shivering, her arms wrapped around her shoulders as she squatted there. Benezia hoped she wasn't going to the bathroom at that moment._

_She turned to the guard. "Why doesn't this prisoner have clothes?"_

_"She won't keep any on." _

_Unfastening her cloak, Benezia took a step toward the prisoner. "I'm Benezia, Hierea of Athame. I can see you're cold. May I offer you my cloak?" _

_The prisoner didn't move._

_"She'll go crazy if you put that on her," the guard warned. The prisoner flinched away from the guard's light. "Why don't you come back out before she attacks you?" _

_As she got closer, Benezia saw many dark marks on the prisoner's back, neck and thighs. The deep welts, bruises and burns were the right shape to have been made by a stun baton. The scratches, however, appeared self-inflicted. "Thank you, guard. You may go now." _

_"You want me to leave? While you're in there? You have a death wish, Hierea?"_

_Benezia turned her attention to the prisoner. "I'm here to offer you last blessings." She held out her cloak. "Your scratches suggest you are truly sorry for what you've done. I can offer you the rite of absolution if you confess."_

_The prisoner pulled away._

_"I'm going to put this on you." Benezia knelt beside the prisoner, making sure she could see the cloak._

_The guard's stun baton buzzed loudly, indicating that the power had been turned all the way up. "She's loony. She won't say anything worth listening to."_

_"It's still her right to have privacy for her confession. I'll call if I need you."  
_

_"If you can." Running the baton over the bars so that electricity sparked from it, and the prisoner shuddered, the guard slowly went down the corridor._

_Benezia carefully draped her cloak over the prisoner's shoulders. "I won't hurt you." _

_The prisoner pushed it off onto the floor. "You just want to feel better," The prisoner's voice was a whisper, "about yourself. You don't care about me."_

_Benezia thought a moment. "Probably."_

_The prisoner turned toward her. "How much did she charge you?" _

_Benezia's eyes flashed and her nostrils flared. "No price could be enough or right." The prisoner stared at the floor as Benezia reconsidered the wounds she saw on her. The scratches, she noticed, were infected. She reached into her pouch for the consecrated oil. _

_The prisoner lunged. A few frantic minutes later, Benezia found her back up against the opposite wall. The prisoner had come at her with a series of deadly moves, and only her training and the prisoner's poor state of health had allowed her to deflect them. The guard had been right; this prisoner was dangerous. _

_They regarded one another warily, both breathing heavily. The prisoner held her left hand in fidi, palm flat and vertical, fingertips ready to jab into Benezia's throat, her right hand in onyx, fingertips touching her thumb. Although that hand was held back, and lower, Benezia knew that would circle next to distract and gouge at her eyes, leaving her throat exposed. Benezia's hands had instinctively gone to cetus, to slap the onyx away, and katoptron, to use the wall as her shield. The prisoner's eyes narrowed. "Who are you?"_

_"__What I appear to be, a very foolish priestess." _Benezia lowered her hands, slowly. "If we're done getting acquainted, I'll pull out the oil I was reaching for now." She slid her hand into the pouch and brought out the vial, showing it to the prisoner.

_The prisoner lowered her hands. "Why didn't you use your biotics?"_

_Benezia unscrewed the top off the vial. __"I didn't want to hurt you." _

_"They don't teach priestesses that form, and none come down here. Who sent you?"_

_Benezia dabbed some of the oil on her finger. "I'm one of the Hepta, assigned to offer last blessings to those awaiting execution. We're taught to defend ourselves." She extended her finger to rub the oil in one of the prisoner's scratches._

_"Hepta? Right." The prisoner snorted and slapped her hand away. "What's that, poison?"_

_"Yes, the one called kindness." Benezia couldn't keep her hands from shaking.  
_

_The prisoner frowned. "You don't sound like a priestess." With a quick move, she snatched the vial from Benezia and put some on her finger. She sniffed it. "Let's see what happens when I put this on you." She held the vial threateningly.  
_

_Benezia displayed her own finger with the oil on it, then put it in her mouth. She made a face and removed her finger, drying it on her robe. "It's not intended for eating, but whatever else is on your finger poses a bigger threat than this oil. Can't you tell your scratches are infected?" Grabbing back the vial, Benezia put another dab of the oil on her finger, reached out and rubbed it along one of the prisoner's scratches, a little more roughly than she had intended. _

_Flinching a little, the prisoner stared at her. "You're scared," she said accusingly.  
_

_"You attacked me." Benezia applied more of the oil. _

_The prisoner shivered and looked away. "No one's safe down here."_

_"Especially you it seems." Benezia really looked at the prisoner's face. Beneath all the dirt, blood and bruises, she seemed very young._

_"I deserve it." The prisoner sunk back to the floor. _

_Benezia went, got her cloak and placed it around the prisoner's shoulders. "Tell me."_

* * *

All the way to the Hydratemenos, Benezia felt sick. Her stomach twisted in knots, and her head throbbed. She didn't know what to expect, and she feared this visit. The Pythia did not answer to the Potnia or to the matriarchies. Like all prophetai, the Pythia was counted among the hosioi, the holy ones, but she was a law unto herself.

"Zia?" Narissa's touch was as soft as her tone. "Do you remember it at all?" She and one of her douli, Benezia and Shiala shared the ride, comprising the Armali contingent.

Benezia shook her head. "I was very young."

"And you never went back, afterward?"

"Apparently, it wasn't a pleasant experience. My friends refused to talk about it."

"Your friends?"

"From the home, Sha'ira, Kandake, Thais and the rest, the ones I introduced you to at the magistrate's party a few years ago. They were there."

"I'm sorry I don't remember them. It all blurs together."

Benezia gave a small smile. "Maybe I'll host my own Janiris party someday, and invite all of you for the whole holiday so that there's time for you to get to know each another."

Narissa squeezed her hand before letting go. "That'd be nice."

When the hovercar stopped, everyone waited for her to get out first. Shiala whispered to her that it was sandy and flat. She opened the door and stepped out into a fresh breeze that flapped her long, thin robe around her. Moving forward a few steps, she waited for the others to disembark, for Shiala to tell her when everyone was ready.

"Wait," Shiala whispered. "There's a procession coming from the temple." She pressed something cold and heavy into Benezia's hand. "Here's the offering."

Moving the object in front of her and holding it with both hands, Benezia listened intently, making out the scrape of sandals on the sand.

"Okay, they've stopped and lined up on either side of a path. Do you want me to guide you?"

"No." Slowly and carefully, Benezia stepped forward in the direction of the sounds she'd heard, hoping no stationary objects stood in her way. If it wasn't for the wind, she wouldn't have been able to hear the flapping of the skirts of the waiting figures. Using those sounds and skimming her foot lightly along the top of the path before setting it down as she'd been practicing, she walked for what seemed like a long time. She knew she must be close when the wind vanished. It had smelt like the sea, so its vanishing meant she must now be in the shadow of the temple. She took another few steps and hesitated. Something solid was nearby, but she didn't know what. She listened for clues.

What sounded like a child's giggle rang out, and then what sounded like a child's voice addressed her. "Thes'phoros of Athame and you almost walked into a pillar." The delighted giggle rang out again. "I am Kalligeneia. When I was born, they called _me_ Thes'phoros, first seer and giver of divine orders." The voice came from the right. Benezia took one step in that direction and knelt, holding up the tri-partite branch, the traditional offering for a suppliant at this temple. "Why should I accept your offering, when you've tried to take my title?"

"Pythia and Thesmophoros, I am also called Benezia, but my names have never been mine to choose." The marble felt very cold. She could feel it through her thin robe. "Keep what belongs to you. Call me what you will."

"Metis gave you my title and sent you blind and helpless to me," the speaker took the branch from Benezia's fingers, and a moment later Benezia felt it tap the top of her head, "like a sacrifice." The speaker was very close. She either had leaned over or was short and as young as she sounded. "Why do you suppose she did a thing like that?"

Benezia kept her voice even. "Maybe for the same reason one of your own named me Potnia when I was just a child."

A small hand grasped her chin, and Benezia held herself very still as a small head pressed her forehead against Benezia's. "I like you, Be'zia. Metis doesn't want us to be friends, but I like you, and I _see_ you!" The little one's breath smelled sweet. Her head moved away, and the small hand moved to Benezia's cheek. "You can share Thes'phoros with me if you want." She giggled again and moved away. "After all, I can claim Potnia with you."

Benezia thought she heard skipping as she rose to her feet.

Someone approached from behind her and a hand grasped her elbow. "This way, Chloe."

* * *

_When the prisoner stopped speaking, Benezia knelt beside her in silence. A while later, she asked, "What's your name?"_

_"Viala Firnel." The prisoner's arms were crossed in front of her, each hand resting on the shoulder opposite, holding the cloak to her._

_"Viala, for all that you have told me and for all that you have held back, for what you've done and left undone, are you heartily sorry?"_

_"I am." Viala bowed her head. Her cheeks were wet. _

_"Do you believe the Goddess can absolve you of your crimes?"_

_The prisoner looked at her with confusion. "I thought you did that."_

_"It takes the deity. I am no more worthy than you."_

_"You say that after what I've told you?" Viala frowned. "Do you believe the Goddess can do it, even after what I've done?"_

_Their eyes met. "Yes." _

_Viala stared searchingly at her for a while, then nodded. "Okay. I'll believe it."_

_Benezia took out the oil again and made the sign of the three on Viala's forehead. "Then thank the Goddess, for you have been absolved from your sins."_

_Viala eased herself down on the cloak to sit on the floor, letting out a long breath. "Are you going to leave now?" She stared at the floor. _

_Shifting so that she also sat on the floor, Benezia shook her head. "No." She hoped that in time she would get used to the smell.  
_

_"I think the guard will try to kill you." Viala's voice was flat, without affect, as she said it."She can't afford to take the chance that you'll report her."  
_

___Benezia suppressed a shudder at the thought of the prisoner in the first cell grabbing hold of her. _"I would stay anyway."

_Viala glared at her. "How do you know _I_ won't kill you? I could."_

_"Well, then there wouldn't be anyone to absolve you of that." Benezia laughed. "Anyway, I don't think you'd want to help the guard out."_

_"You have a very strange sense of humor." Viala stared at her._

_"At least I have one."_

_For the first time, Viala smiled. "You've got me there."_

_"As long as I'm here, she can't touch you." Benezia felt hungry, and thirsty. She contemplated sharing the holy water with Viala as she tried to calculate how long it would take for someone to miss her.  
_

_"Why does that matter? They're going to execute me anyway. You're doing all this for nothing."_

_Benezia looked over at Viala. "No, not for nothing."_


	22. Fly

**Fly**

from Rainier Marie Rilke's _Going Blind_

_She followed slowly, taking a long time,  
As though there were some obstacle in the way;  
And yet: as though, once it was overcome,  
She would be beyond all walking, and would fly_

* * *

Rachel sat on the familiar red couch in Dr. Goldberger's room. Sunshine poured in the window and illuminated three carved wooden frogs on the windowsill. Grins had been painted on their green faces, and they looked in, one on a stool with a fish dangling at the end of his fishing pole line, one playing a guitar, the last one dancing.

"What are you looking at, Rachel?"

"Your frogs," she turned her head to meet Dr. Goldberger's gaze. "They're so fake."

"Compared with the one you brought here when we met, yes." Proper as ever, Dr. Goldberger sat back in her chair, crisply and conservatively dressed in a tan suit with a silky pale blue shirt, watching Rachel. The sunlight glinted off her glasses. Rachel couldn't remember if she always had worn some or if these were new.

"No, I mean their happiness. Their big fake grins and their stupid hats." Rachel looked back out the window at the flagpole.

"You sound frustrated."

"Why do I still have to come here? It's a whole new year!" Rachel kicked her foot back against the couch's skirt. "I hardly see Simon or the dogs anymore now that I stay at Leyne's all the time. The Gitlans haven't retaliated. I haven't gotten into trouble."

"Coming here seem like a punishment to you, but that was never the intention of our time together."

Rachel glowered at Dr. Goldberger. "Living through stuff was enough. Every time I come in here, you want me to go through it again, and it doesn't change anything! I don't see why I have to keep coming! It only makes things worse! I don't want to talk about it anymore!"

Dr. Goldberger didn't respond for a minute. When she did speak, it was exactly the same way as before Rachel's outburst. "If you stop talking about it, what will happen?"

Rachel sighed. "I won't have to think about it any more."

"Whether we talk about it or not, it takes a long time to process the kind of trauma you went through. You've made a good start."

"Is it so bad if I just want to get on with my life?" Rachel fidgeted in her seat.

"No, it's just not that simple."

"If that isn't what it's all about, what's the point?" Rachel glared at the doctor challengingly again.

"Rachel, it's very common to get discouraged during this process and to want to bring it prematurely to an end. Doing so actually gets in the way of being able to get on with your life." Dr. Goldberger calmly returned Rachel's gaze. "It's only by facing it that you will be able to come to terms with it. Until then, it is liable to hijack your emotions and influence your actions in ways that will confuse and hinder you. It won't go away. Dr. Leven made your continued attendance conditional upon our regular meetings until you graduate in part for this reason. When I get the sense that you've reached some level of peace over what has happened, we can revisit ending our sessions. I don't believe you are there yet. You've told me some of the story, but not about your younger brother or your girlfriend…."

"This is so bogus!" Rachel interrupted again, one fist striking the cushion. "I have to keep seeing you until I'm OKAY with what happened?! Are you for real?!" Her hands gripped the end of the sofa cushion as she leaned forward. "I can't tell you what I don't remember! You can't keep me prisoner here! I'd be fine if you just left me alone!"

"You want me to end our sessions today?"

"YES!" She rocked to her feet, fists clenched.

Dr. Goldberger tilted her head to look up at Rachel. The silence drew out.

Rachel frowned and shifted uncomfortably, her hands relaxing.

"I'm not going to do that, Rachel, because I care about you. I believe it would make things worse for you in the short-run and the long-run." The doctor folded her well-manicured hands in her lap. "However, I will end today's session now, and expect to see you tomorrow during your C period. We can discuss what moving on looks like then, if you want."

With a sound of exasperation, Rachel went out the door and down the corridor.

When Rachel reached the main hallway, Leyne, who was nearby switching out textbooks and datapads at her locker, called her over. "Hey, Rach, I thought you had Dr. Goldberger this period?"

Rachel waited while Leyne checked herself in the mirror on her locker door, patting her hair into better shape on one side. "I thought you had Galaxy Studies."

Leyne shrugged. "Todd says they're watching a film today, so I cut."

"Todd?" Rachel raised her eyebrow.

"Yes, he invited me to study with him over at Sugar Shack this period." Leyne smiled, and shut her locker door. Todd ran the student literary magazine even though he was only a junior. Leyne had been elected to run the student paper. She turned away from her locker with a twirl of her skirt. "I already like being a senior. This year's going to be great!" and clicked off toward the front doors.

Rachel sighed as she watched Leyne click off toward the front doors, then decided to head to the locker room. Soccer tryouts would be held next week, and she wanted to be ready. When she got there, Rachel found the locker room deserted, as expected. The squeak of sneakers on the polished wood floor, the thud of a ball, people calling to each other and the teacher's whistle could be heard through the doors to the adjacent gym.

As a senior, she had one of the black lockers this year. They were bigger than those in the other rows, but not as big as the ones reserved for students on the sports teams. Twirling the combination and pulling open the lock, Rachel surveyed the contents. Her old hoodie hung on the back hook, all ripped up. Leyne's mom had said it wasn't worth mending. Instead Diana had taken Rachel clothes shopping with Leyne, a day they had enjoyed more than she had. For a while, Rachel had slept in the hoodie, and hidden it under her mattress during the day. When school had started, she'd brought it here for safekeeping. She didn't entirely trust Leyne's mom to not throw it out sometime when she straightened Rachel's attic room.

Rachel shed her new school clothes, folding them and placing them on the top shelf, and pulled out her new gym clothes—the stiff, black nylon shorts with the three, thin, green stripes down the side; the matching green, v-neck, special mesh, short-sleeve shirt guaranteed to wick sweat away from her skin. She squirmed as she pulled on her old lime green sports bra. She had filled out a bit during the last six months, with all the regular meals at the Tarez's and everything. Sports bras were supposed to be tight, but this was super-uncomfortable, as would be replacing it. The lower edge now rode up too high, digging into very sensitive flesh. She pulled out her sneakers and softly closed her locker door.

"Do you like when I do this?" Unbidden, the memory of Julia leaning over her, came to mind. Rachel closed her eyes, seeing again the way the autumn sunlight had flickered over Julia's face and her naked body. She could almost feel Julia's hair slide over her breast as Julia lowered her head to kiss Rachel's nipple.

Rachel had tried to cover herself. "I'm sorry they're so small."

Julia had stopped her. "I think they're perfect." She'd kissed the aureole of the breast closest to her, and Rachel had shivered. "Like melting ice cream scoops in my favorite flavor."

"I like yours better," Rachel had admitted, warmed as much by the feeling of Julia's naked torso pressing against her as Julia's breath cooling her damp nipple. She loved the sensation of their skin touching, and the soft yieldingness of Julia's breasts against her abdomen.

A locker slammed shut nearby, and Rachel jumped, the memory, the first she'd had of Julia since Mindoir's end, vanishing. An aisle away, flip-flops thwopped on the tile floor as someone headed toward the showers. Bending to fasten her running shoes, Rachel squinted at the pain in her chest, and pounded a fist over her heart a couple of times to stop the ache there.

As she pushed through the doors to the track, she welcomed the dazzle of the bright fall sunlight. The brick red surface of the track and the raised white lines reflected light and heat. Rachel popped in ear buds and started to run. She ran until the bell's clarion ring, which was longer than she should have. It would be almost impossible for her to get to her next class on time.

She popped out the ear buds and pushed through the doors to the locker room, breathing hard from her run. Laughter, the slapping of feet, the scuffle of flip-flops, and overlapping conversations replaced music. Another student walking in behind her spoke. "You really should stretch."

Rachel glanced at the speaker, and recognized Claire, a brunette who had sung soprano in Chorus class and sometimes had shared the voice lessons with her. "Yeah, I guess." She looked different than she had last year.

"I'm Claire, by the way." Steam cloyed the air.

Rachel nodded. "Yeah, I know." Lockers banged shut.

Shower spray hissed on the floor and water gurgled in the drains. "And you're Rachel, right?"

"Yeah." A big peal of laughter came from where some girls had circled around one locker. Rachel looked at them then quickly away.

"See ya." Claire headed for the sports lockers.

As much as possible, Rachel kept her eyes on the floor. Classmates in various states of undress headed back from the showers and milled around their lockers. She tried to avoid being in the locker room at busy times, because she was fairly sure that if they knew she was a lesbian, she'd get a beat down if anyone thought she was looking at them. Opening her locker, Rachel dragged her toiletries bag out and grabbed her towel.

Not one of the individual stalls was open, but Rachel knew she'd better not wait. Ms. Pasternak did not tolerate people being late to French class well. Flushing with embarrassment, Rachel dropped her towel, stepped up to one of the communal showerheads and turned the water on as hot as she could. A few minutes later, Claire stepped up to the one next to her. Rachel hunched her shoulders and closed her eyes, dunking her head under the stream of water. It was so hot it burned. She hurried through washing her hair and body, facing the wall with the showerhead and getting soap in her eyes, careful to avoid seeing anything more than Claire's ankles and feet. As soon as she turned off the water, she hurried to her towel and wrapped it around her body.

"You're forgetting your toiletries."

Rachel glanced over and saw Claire, hands over her head, rubbing her hair with her towel. Rachel blinked and looked down, blushing. "Thanks." She went back and grabbed the bag.

"That scar is pretty cool."

Rachel spun back toward Claire in surprise. The other girl had finished with her hair. Rachel touched her shoulder self-consciously and backed toward the entrance.

"It looks like a star." Claire wrapped her towel around her body and gathered her toiletries.

"Okay." Rachel turned bright red.

Claire followed her. "You're pretty shy for a senior."

Rachel nodded, then turned and went over to her locker, feeling self-conscious the whole time she was dressing. As soon as she was ready, she hurried out the door for French, but not before the bell had rung again.

When Rachel reached the classroom, the door had already been shut and the hallways had emptied out again. She sighed and slipped in the door. Thankfully, Leyne had saved her a seat. Madame Pasternak gave her a look. "Mademoiselle Rachel…"

"Je suis tres desolee, Madame, um, je m'excuse." Rachel slid her legs under the desk and pulled out her French datapad.

"Si tu es en retard deux plus fois…" Madame Pasternak scowled briefly at Rachel, her orange puff of hair looking as powdered as her sharp features.

"Oui, Madame." When Rachel had slipped into the seat beside Leyne, Madame Pasternak resumed her instruction. On her datapad, Rachel typed, "Why do we have to take language classes at all, and Earth languages? There are translation programs on every omni." She showed it to Leyne.

"So we don't lose our cultures," Leyne whispered.

"Nous continuons notre revue avec le verbs VOULOIR et SOUHAITER…"

"Why would we lose our culture?" Shepard typed.

Leyne waited until Madame Pasternak turned back to the screen at the front of the room. "Immigration. By aliens."

"Mademoiselle Leyne, qu'est-ce que c'est la conjugation pour VOULOIR?"

Madame Pasternak hadn't even turned around. Leyne straightened, and recited loudly, "Je veux, tu veux, il/elle/on veut, nous voulons, vous voulez, ils/elles veulent?"

"Et le futur, s'il te plait?" Madame Pasternak turned her head to look back at Leyne over her shoulder, her hand with the stylus writing down Leyne's answers on the large touch screen.

"Je voudra…"

"Voudrai." The correction came automatically in Madame Pasternak's carrying voice.

"Oh right…" Leyne nodded.

"En francais…" Madame Pasternak waited.

"Tu voudras, il/elle/on voudra, nous voudrons, vous voudrez, ils/elles voudront." Leyne relaxed as she watched Madame Pasternak finish writing her answers on the screen.

"Tres bien. Merci." Madame Pasternak asked other students to provide additional tenses, correcting as they went.

"What I want…" Leyne whispered to Rachel, "is to not get in trouble this year!"

Rachel waited a few minutes, then typed, "Why would any aliens want to come here?" and showed the pad to Leyne.

"Mademoiselle Raquelle, qu'est-ce que c'est la conjugation pour SOUHAITER?"

"Um." Rachel wondered if Madame Pasternak had seen her type. She squinted as a flash of light reflected off another student's datapad and into her eyes.

"Maintenant et plus forte, Mademoiselle."

"Je me souhaite, tu te souhaites, il/elle/on se souhaite, nous nous souhaitons, vous vous souhaitez, ils/elles ses souhaitent?" French had been about the farthest from Rachel's mind over the summer. She'd only taken it because that's what…. Her mind blanked.

"Qui peut ce corriger…?"

Leyne shielded her mouth and whispered to Rachel, "To wish is not reflexive!"

Rachel blinked. "I mean, je souhaite, tu souhaites, il/elle/on souhaite, nous souhaitons, vous souhaitez, ils/elles souhaitent," she finished.

"Je me souhaite que tu me baiser." Julia grinned mischievously as she rolled on top of Rachel.

"What?! Julia!" Rachel's eyes widened, and she flushed beet red. Straw stuck in her hair as she pushed Julia off her and rolled from the blanket and on to a pile of dry hay in the loft, a prickly mistake. They had chosen this barn because it didn't have any livestock in it yet, and because Julia had snuck the code to the door lock from her mother's files. Before this moment, Rachel had been glad that she'd transferred to French class to understand the things Julia whispered to her, but now she was shocked. It had been handy to have a secret language of sorts for arranging when they spent time together in secret and didn't have their omnis so that no one could track them. Rachel had frowned as the straw scratched her skin, leaving lots of little red marks on her back.

"Oui, tres bien fait, et l'imparfait?" Madame Pasternak did not look back. She just waited.

Julia had laughed her husky, happy laugh. "I embarrassed you."

"You just asked me to…. You said you wanted to…." Rachel stood, the warm autumn sunlight seeping through the space between the hay loft's slats leaving stripes of light over her. All she had on were her panties and her socks.

"Nous nous embrassons, et maintenant, nous pouvons …." Julia had risen to a kneeling position, her hair cascading around her face.

"Don't use that word again!" Rachel had returned to the blanket to kneel beside Julia. "It's not beautiful enough for you." She had put her hands on Julia's shoulders. "I don't know the French word that is."

"Tu as peur d'un baiser?"

Rachel had grimaced. "I'm not afraid of a kiss." She had kissed Julia as proof. "But I wouldn't want it to be like that." She had kissed her again, longer this time, and Julia had held the back of her head while she did.

"I know," Julia had whispered. "I just wanted you to know that I wish for us to be together, that I choose you. I want you to be the one. Even now, if you want to."

"Mademoiselle Raquelle…."

Julia's hair had felt so soft as it flowed through her fingers, and her body warm and yielding as she had kissed her again. "I want you to be the one too."

Madame Pasternak's stylus came down on Rachel's desk with a loud crack. "Fais-attention!

Startled, Rachel's legs involuntarily pushed strongly away from the desk, and her chair went over and backward with her in it, landing on the floor amidst the giggles of her classmates.

* * *

"What happened in your French class yesterday?" Dr. Goldberger's hands were clasped in her lap.

Absently, Rachel looked for a ring. She didn't really know anything about Dr. Goldberger, and that seemed strange when she spoke to her every day. "I blanked on the imperfect form of the verb souhaiter."

"I heard you fell over. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine. She just surprised me." Rachel shrugged.

"She said you were not responding. Was it one of your flashbacks?"

Rachel made a sound of exasperation. "Are you going to give me a hard time every time I don't get an answer right in class? Do you talk to all my teachers?"

Dr. Goldberger took off her glasses and placed them on the desk behind her without looking back. "Mrs. Pasternak came and spoke with me because she was concerned that you had been hurt when you fell over. She cares about you."

"Yeah, right." Rachel crossed her arms over her chest. "You can tell her that I'm fine. I'm not some freak."

The silence stretched out.

"You said something yesterday about wanting to get on with your life. I'm curious. What are your plans for after graduation?" Dr. Goldberger crossed her legs, her pant leg riding up to show a brown cowboy boot.

Rachel smiled. "You're wearing cowboy boots!"

Dr. Goldberg waited.

"I don't know. I'm not sure what makes sense anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"I used to want to be a poet, but I don't see the point any more. It's useless when someone attacks you." Rachel shrugged and stared at her own loafers. "So is teaching or being a vet, obviously."

"The only things that matter are the things that can protect you?"

Rachel picked at the arm of the sofa. "Something like that."

"That seems limited. Attacks like the one you lived through don't happen that often." On Dr. Goldberger's desk, her omni buzzed.

"The universe is a violent place." Rachel spoke loudly, to be heard over the buzzing, and looked challengingly at the doctor.

Dr. Goldberger ignored the buzzing. "You've had some violent experiences that have changed your view about the universe and your place in it."

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, when you see … all those …." Rachel crossed her leg and jiggled her foot, and cleared her throat. She wasn't going to cry in front of Dr. Goldberger. She was tired of crying. "You couldn't understand." She crossed her arms over her chest.

"I'm willing to try," Dr. Goldberger responded softly.

Rachel cleared her throat again and looked out the window. She wanted to smash those grinning frogs into a thousand pieces.

* * *

"Could you please pass the casserole, Leyne?" Rachel asked a little louder. Leyne was grinning and pushing food around her plate.

Diana offered the salad to Hank. "Allison sent me a long text today, with a list of the things she still needs."

"Hunh, you'd think by now she'd have it down to a science." Hank served himself.

"Hey, Leyne, casserole, PLEASE." Rachel tried again.

"No raised voices at the table, Rachel." Diana took a bite, not glancing over.

Rachel kicked Leyne's chair. Leyne sighed and rested her elbow on the table and chin on her palm.

"Well, what's it going to cost us this time? Will I need to take out a loan?" Hank stared at Diana.

"For the love of TODD!" Rachel shouted at Leyne, who looked over at her, finally seeing her.

"Rachel Shepard, what did I just say to you?" Diana frowned over at the girls. "Leyne, get your elbow off the table and pass her the casserole."

"Oh." Leyne sat up and reached over and snagged the casserole dish and handed it to Rachel.

"Thanks." Rachel scooped the bright yellow pasta and tuna and celery onto her plate. "Geez, Leynie, the millennium was drawing to a close."

When Hank stopped chewing and swallowed, he raised an eyebrow at Leyne. "Todd? What's this about a Todd?"

Leyne shot Rachel a dirty look. "Nothing, Dad. It's just a boy."

Diana looked sideways at Rachel. "How did soccer tryouts go today?"

"I made the varsity team." Rachel gave a small smile, then concentrated on her plate.

"Will you give us a schedule of the games?" She looked directly at Rachel now.

Rachel blinked. "Uh, sure, if you want."

"There's no such thing as just a boy. Tell me about this Todd." Hank set his fist down on the table, rattling some of the silverware, his fork clenched tightly in his hand. "Is this Todd bothering you?"

Leyne rolled her eyes. "Dad…"

"Did you hear Rachel made the varsity team, Hank?" Diana absently reached for the rolls and picked one up.

Rachel drank from her glass.

"I should have invested in a tampon manufacturing company…" Hank muttered. "All these girls … or better yet a contraceptive manufacturer. I'd be rich."

"Hank!" Diana shot Hank a warning look.

The gate bell buzzed. Everyone froze. It buzzed again. Hank and Diana exchanged a look, and Leyne glanced over at Rachel. Rachel studied her glass. The gate bell buzzed again.

"Are you going to get that?" Diana asked.

Hank's chair scraped back from the table. Everyone listened to him go to the hallway to the intercom. "Who's there?"

"It's Simon. I'm…" He cleared his throat. "I'm here to see Rachel. Is now a good time?"

"Well…"

Diana's chair scraped back from the table.

"Actually, we're eating," Hank finished.

"So why don't you come in and join us?" Diana reached over Hank's shoulder to press the button that would unlock the gate.

Hank took his finger off the intercom. "Now why'd you do that?"

Diana glanced over at Rachel, who was studying her plate. "Hank, it's not our place."

"Then who the hell's place is it?"

Leyne got up and went to fetch another plate, set of silverware and glass. Rachel got up slowly and went to get one of the extra chairs, which had been moved to the card table in the living room, where Hank and Diana had been working on a puzzle together. Diana went and opened the door. Hank went back to the table, glowering.

Simon shuffled in. He was scrubbed clean and wore a fresh pair of coveralls and his hair was slicked back. "Thank you, ma'am," he said as he hesitantly stepped inside past Diana. His eyes shifted around, seeking Rachel.

"You're very welcome, Simon." Diana led the way to the table.

"Oh, it's nothing like that." Simon awkwardly held his hands in front of him, as if uncertain what to do with them. They were big, calloused, and wrinkled. "I won't inconvenience you for long."

Leyne returned and set a place for him, and Rachel slowly carried the chair in and set it down quietly.

"Rachel." Simon seemed to ignore everyone else.

As everyone else sat, the two of them remained standing.

"Yes?"

"I uh, I think Thunder and Lightning have been missing you. Maybe you could come around sometime?" Simon's hands wandered. One going into a pocket for a moment, then returning, the other scratching his head.

"Sure." Rachel gripped the back of the chair. "I could do that." She cleared her throat after noticing the rest were mostly looking at their plates, except for Diana, who was watching her. "How about Wednesday?"

"I could send dinner over with you," Diana offered.

"Mom!" Leyne interrupted.

"That's not necessary, Ms. Hall." Simon shifted on his feet. "Actually, Rachel, the anniversary is coming up next month." He swallowed, his jaw working a little and his fingers picking at each other like nervous hens. "There's gonna be a ceremony honoring my girls and your family and the others, and I wondered if you'd like to go to it with me."

Rachel stared at him.

"You know, to honor them..."

Rachel grimaced and coughed at the pain in her chest.

"You'd have to miss some school to go, but I think it's the right thing to do, that it's what they'd want, to be remembered." Simon swept something out of his left eye with his thumb.

Diana took a drink.

"Will you think about it and let me know?" Simon tentatively touched the doorframe beside him and shifted again.

Rachel cleared her throat. "Yeah."

"Okay then, that's what I wanted to say, that was my piece."

Hank's chair scraped back as he rose. "I'll see you out, Simon."

"That's not necessary." Simon backed up, never taking his eyes off of Rachel.

Rachel stared at the floor, her hands white where they gripped the chair.

"I can see they're taking good care of you, Rachel, better than I did. I'm sorry about that, it was just a really hard time, you know." Simon's clenched fists could be seen in his pocket. "I mean, I'm glad things are going well for you."

"Come on, Simon," Hank said quietly, reaching up a hand in front of him to lead him out or to bar the way in. "Let's go now."

Rachel waited until the two had left the room. "Can I be excused please?"

"Of course, dear." Diana's expression was indecipherable.

Taking the steps two at a time, Rachel sprinted up to her room. It wasn't long before Leyne joined her.

"Why don't you turn on the lights?" The bed creaked as Leyne sat down beside her. "Are you crying?" Leyne wrapped her arms around Rachel and pulled her against her, feeling how taut Rachel's back was. "You don't have to go, you know."

After a few minutes later, Rachel had managed to relax a little in Leyne's arms. She partly turned toward Leyne, and Leyne's embrace loosened. "I know."

"I wish he never came by. It always makes you unhappy." Leyne stroked Rachel's cheek, feeling the cool wetness, and instinctively kissed Rachel's cheek. "It's cruel of him. It's like he just can't let you be happy."

Rachel suddenly realized how Leyne's closeness was affecting her, that she wanted to kiss Leyne's full lips, and kiss her. She stiffened and stood. "It's true though. I have no right to be happy."

Leyne reached out and held her hand. "I don't believe that."

"Happy is obnoxious anyway." Rachel squeezed Leyne's hand, then sat down again out of reach, at the far end of the bed. "Tell me about Todd…."

* * *

"I'm open! I'm open!" Claire shouted as she sprinted past the defender covering her.

With a quick glance to survey the rest of the field in front of her, Rachel broke stride, with a long step, then a shorter one, shaking her defender with her irregular pace and kicking the ball hard past three others who were sprinting in to stop the play.

Claire neatly block trapped the ball, feinted to draw the goalie's block, then kicked for the far corner of the goal.

"Yeah!" Rachel shouted as the ball went in and the whistle blew. She ran toward Claire, who grinned as she pumped her fist in the sign of victory. "Great shot, C!" The other players exuberantly ran to join them, slapping Claire on the back. With another grin at Claire, Rachel jogged back to the center field. The team lined up behind her, the opposing team doing the same on the other side of the field, and they ran past each other, slapping hands and saying, "Good game." Rachel's lungs burned as she jogged over to the benches to gather her stuff in her bag. She could tell her cheeks were bright and hot. Diana would probably give her grief for forgetting to wear sunscreen again. When a hand smacked her butt, she jumped a little. She'd just finished putting her shin guards and cleats in her bag.

"Wicked kick, Rach." Claire smiled at her.

Rachel smiled back. "It wouldn't have mattered if you hadn't gotten past the goalie."

"We make a good team." Claire flopped down on the aluminum bench, ignoring the looks of the other teammates, and pushing her sweat-soaked curled bangs off of her forehead as she leaned back on her hands. "Want to go out and celebrate?"

Her bag zipped loudly shut. "Sure, is everyone going for pizza again? I'd be up for that." Rachel straightened and slung the bag on her shoulder.

"I kinda meant just you and me." The way Claire looked at her suddenly made Rachel blush and frown.

"Oh, uh, sure." Rachel wasn't sure, however, and blinked in surprise a bunch of times.

"Cool." Claire grinned and got up and headed for her own bag.

Rachel stood where she was for a few seconds, then walked to the bus. She felt strangely like she might throw up. Maybe she'd run too much in the sun with too little water.

* * *

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" Dr. Goldberger's voice cut into Rachel's daydream as she stared out the window at the flagpole.

"Honestly?" Rachel looked over at the doctor.

"Of course." Today Dr. Goldberger wasn't wearing her glasses. Rachel wondered if she'd had the eye surgery or gotten lenses.

"Homeless." Rachel looked back out the window.

"Rachel, you seem distracted today."

"It's all anyone asks—what am I doing next year? Leyne's got it all figured out. She's going to be a journalist and an activist, but I don't know. I can't see ahead. It's like it's all blotted out, like it … died, and I don't have a future anymore." Rachel shrugged.

"It can be very hard to figure out." Dr. Goldberger's voice was meant to be soothing. "You're young. There's plenty of time for experimentation. You don't have to have it all worked out. You just have to determine the next step."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Oh, is that all?"

"You sound frustrated."

"Because I am!" Rachel glared at Dr. Goldberger.

"Is it about trying to figure out what to do after graduating?" As usual, Dr. Goldberger appeared completely unflappable.

Rachel crossed her legs and kicked at the sofa with her heel. "Maybe."

Dr. Goldberger's hands rested quietly in her lap. "I can't help you if you don't talk to me about what's going on."

"You just can't help me at all!" Rachel frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. "That's the truth!"

* * *

Rachel tossed and turned. She was running and running, but the blood on the ground was so thick that her shoes kept getting stuck in it. Lightning flashed and she had a glimpse of the splayed figure of her mother. The blood rose higher. She shook her head and tried to run faster.

The bed dipped as Leyne slid under the covers beside her. She wanted to warn her, but she couldn't scream. Her mouth opened but she could make no sound. Then Leyne's softness brushed against her, and she rolled over on her, pressing into her, trying to bury herself in her. Her hands grasping her hips, her mouth on her breasts, her hips moving of their own volition, grinding her against Leyne, her hands frantically moving up Leyne's body, frustrated by the layers of cloth between them, her hands gripping the railings of the bedboard so that she could grind harder against her, her mouth moving to Leyne's lips, the only sounds the squeaking of the bed. The lightning flashed, and now it was Julia underneath her, moaning, her thighs open and warm and so soft, and she ached and ached so fiercely. A loud crash shook the whole room, and she was drowning in sheets. They had snagged her. She could feel their claws on her, and she couldn't breathe, and the pressure on her chest was so sharp and vise-like, and the lightning flashed and she saw Julia struggling underneath….

Blaring light filled the room.

Flailing wildly as a hand touched her bad shoulder, Rachel felt her arm connect solidly with something, "RACHEL!"

As she slowly became aware, she saw she was tangled in the sheets and pillows.

Leyne frowned at her from the floor. She was rubbing her cheek, which was turning red.

"Oh no, oh no, no, no!" Rachel scrambled to be free of the sheets. "Did I hit you?"

"With your elbow." Leyne did not look happy.

"I'm so, so sorry." Rachel managed to kick free of the sheets. She knelt by the bed near Leyne, who pushed her hands away. "I didn't know you were here! I didn't mean to! I was having a nightmare."

Leyne took in a deep breath and stood. "I know. You were screaming."

Rachel flinched as lightning flashed followed by a huge crash. "I woke everyone up again." Her voice had gone flat.

"Yes." Leyne turned off the flashlight she'd been carrying. She headed for the stairs.

"I'm sorry." Rachel called after her. She sat on the bed and ran her hands up and down her face. It was sticky with sweat, and her pjs clung to her. She'd soaked them through with sweat. Wrapping her arms around her legs, she rocked herself through the storm.

* * *

Rachel wasn't sure, but she thought Leyne was avoiding her. As the buses filled up for the senior class picnic, Leyne had made a point of sitting with Todd and their cronies. Claire and lots of the girl's varsity soccer team sat near Rachel. Her head ached, and she massaged her temples with her thumb and fingertip. She hadn't gotten any more sleep, and worse, she wasn't sure how much of her dreams had been real, and couldn't remember most of it.

"You ok?" Claire touched Rachel's leg.

"Yeah, I just didn't sleep well last night." Rachel gave a weak, lopsided smile.

Claire laughed. "Nobody did. It was quite a storm. I hope the picnic grounds aren't muddy. I was afraid it'd keep raining, and they'd cancel the picnic."

"Yeah." Rachel leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes.

"You know what can help?"

Rachel shook her head. She felt Claire's hands take one of her hands.

"There's a pressure point right here." Claire's fingers explored the webbing between Rachel's pointer finger and thumb, and stroked her wrist as she rested Rachel's hand, palm up on her own thigh.

The touch was so gentle, that Rachel half-opened an eye to look at Claire.

Claire licked her lips, the fingertips of one of her hands circled Rachel's palm, as with her other hand, she pressed her finger and thumb together in the fleshy part of Rachel's thumb.

Rachel thought all her nerves were on fire as she stared at Claire's lips. She looked up to see Claire staring intently at her.

"You are, aren't you?" Claire whispered.

"I'm what?" Rachel asked, mesmerized.

"Lesbian," Claire answered. "Like me."

After a momentary hesitation, Rachel nodded. "I guess."

"I thought so." Claire smiled. "You have nice hands."

Rachel blushed.

The picnic grounds were a little damp at the old quarry, but there were covered picnic tables on cement slabs in the lower part of the grounds, where a volleyball net had been set up over a sandy patch. In a few places, puddles remained, but mostly the sandy ground was only damp.

Noticing where Leyne headed, Rachel heaped a plate with cookies, sandwich halves, chips and a slice of watermelon, and followed. Claire and most of the soccer team straggled behind her. Up the trails at the top of the quarry, Todd, Leyne and the literary crew had found a nice grassy place and had set up in sun off to the side. Rachel led the others nearby. After eating, she felt like exploring. She stood and walked toward the quarry edge. Claire followed.

Far below, green water filled the quarry's bottom.

Claire's hands pushed her playfully, then wrapped around her. "Careful, it's quite a drop."

Rachel had tensed at the pretend push, and tried very hard to relax with Claire's arms around her. The others had to be noticing. She glanced back. Those who looked their way just smiled. Most of them were absorbed in their own conversations.

"We could walk somewhere more private." Claire offered, stepping in closer when Rachel made no protest or move to pull away.

Rachel stared at the water. Her hands moving to touch Claire's.

The green water so far below seemed very opaque, so bright. Anything beneath it had disappeared. Claire looked over Rachel's shoulder to where she was staring. "They say people swim here in the summer. Do you like to swim? We could come back in the summer and try it."

It wasn't clear if Rachel heard her.

"Hey, I know you're shy." Claire slowly drew her arms away. "I'm sorry if PDAs and everything made you uncomfortable. We could go for a walk, just us. Then you won't have to be shy."

Rachel nodded.

"Good, I'll just get my jacket." Claire headed back for their teammates.

Sunlight glinting off the mica in the quarry flashed in Rachel's eyes as the sun went momentarily behind clouds and then emerged again. In the flash, Rachel saw her mother's body as she'd found it. She took a step forward, reaching out her hand. She heard again the terrible screams as the batarian writhed on top of Julia and the roaring again as darkness had kicked and carried her away. The water below looked so still and calm, the sunlight so surreal. She stood on the edge for a moment, and jumped.


	23. Come Near

_*My thanks to all recent followers and favoriters, and to loyal readers, reviewers and friends._

* * *

**Come Near**

from Sappho's _Like the very gods_

_… sweat breaks running upon me, fever  
Shakes my body, paler I turn than grass is;  
I can feel that I have been changed, I feel that death has come near me._

* * *

Liara's omni buzzed. A small hologram of Thala, dressed for services, appeared. "Hi, Thala, it's not a good time to talk right now. We're in the car …."

Thala's smile faded. "I just wanted to wish you a Kali Janiris." She gave a small wave. "I miss you. That's all."

Liara felt her face flush. "I'm sorry, Thala. That was rude of me. Kali Janiris." She dropped her voice in an attempt to make the conversation more private. "I miss you too, very much."

Erelia gave her a quizzical look. Liara sunk into her seat.

"Everything okay?" Thala tilted her head. "You're making that face you do when something's bothering you."

Catching sight of Thala's image, Myti squealed and reached for it.

"I really can't talk now." Liara raised a shield, but not quickly enough to deflect all of Myti's biotic energy, frowning as her omni shifted on her arm. "Myti, no!"

Thala's small image shimmered then became clear. "Liara, I was wondering, could I maybe come over tonight? It doesn't seem like much of a holiday if I don't get to see you." Thala looked forlorn. "My M'ana said I could."

Myti's bottom lip quivered, her eyes filled with tears, and she drew a deep breath.

Liara ducked her head and spoke quickly. "I'd love to see you, Thala. I didn't even know it was an option today. Please come over."

A caterwaul from Myti drowned out Thala's reply.

With a sigh, Liara toggled the message to audio only.

"What happened?" Thala's voice seemed overloud in the crowded cabin of the hovercar, so Liara keyed the volume down. With Thala's image gone, Myti forgot what she was crying about and resumed a quieter squirming in her nyanya's arms. "I can't see you anymore."

Erelia offered to take Myti.

"Hepta Narissa's tiknon wanted to play with your hologram, so I switched you to audio," Liara explained, holding her omni close to her mouth. "I have to go. We're almost there, but I'm glad you called, and I look forward to seeing you tonight. We should be back by the third feast hour."

"Okay. See you soon!" Thala sounded more upbeat. "You look really nice, by the way. I mean, really beautiful."

Liara squirmed with shame. After the call ended, she looked at the floor and tried to figure out what to do. Memories of the morning stirred uncomfortable feelings. She couldn't possibly tell Thala about … what had happened. It'd hurt her. Surely it'd be better not to tell, but that'd be like lying to her, and that wasn't good. Yet, how could she explain what she didn't understand? Still, what if someone else said something to Thala about it? What if Nephali apologized to her for kissing her aphrodisia?! Liara hunched her shoulders. She'd been so unfair to Thala and so cruel to Nephali. There was no escaping that she, Liara T'Soni, was a bad asari, a disgrace to her mother, an exploitative host, an unfaithful aphrodisia and … _lascivious_! She didn't know what to do, and asking advice was out of the question.

The hovercar circled, waiting its turn to land. By the time they did, Liara had fastened her sandals, donned her jacket, and played hide-and-seek with Myti.

They disembarked near the edge of a bustling crowd. Red and white flowers festooned the railings, filling the air with musky perfume. The sky shone a dull silver. It was much hotter than it had been at the house. Sweat sprung up on Liara' forehead and between her breasts and thighs. Her dress stuck to her. Erelia handed Myti back to the nyanya, who led the way, Liara following, while Erelia waited for Kandake. This left Liara walking alone in the middle as they headed for the VIP entrance on the side, avoiding the long queues at the main entrance.

"I don't know, K," Liara heard Erelia say softly to Kandake. "It's so much work, and risky."

The warm pavement sent waves of heat up through the thin soles of Liara's sandals.

"If they'd turn out like Liara," Kandake said loudly. "I'd want 10 of them."

"Don't look at me," Erelia cautioned, in mock outrage. "I am not having 10! Have them yourself!"

"Fine, I'll enlist 10 aphrodisiai," Kandake countered.

Erelia laughed. "I don't care what species they are; you wouldn't find even one who'd put up with your snoring. Go ahead and try."

"If you insist." Kandake sounded smug. "I won't be sleeping when I'm with them anyway."

"Oh, so it's that simple, is it?" Erelia sounded annoyed.

Liara glanced back. Kandake was nuzzling Erelia's crests, saying that them having just one together was entirely reasonable. Liara shook her head. Everyone behaved so crazily these weeks, especially matrons. Erelia saw her watching and smiled. "Mark my words, Liara, this is the most dangerous time of the year for all of us. If Janiris lasted any longer, asari would overpopulate the galaxy." Kandake whispered something to her, and Erelia nuzzled Kandake back, intertwining fingers with her bondmate.

Loneliness crept over Liara as she faced forward again. It was hard to imagine being that at ease with intimacy. Nephali had proven it was even more powerful a force than Liara'd realized. Liara flushed as she remembered, the air taking on a sensuousness in its warmth. Sweat trickled down her body under her dress.

Ahead, the nyanya keyed open the side door. They chilled corridors quickly cooled Liara off as they made their way to the main chamber, the megaron. Kandake pushed the door open and held it for them. Far above, sunlight streamed down through crystal seams in the roof's peak. A giant, almost translucent, white marble statue of Athame stood under the highest part of the hall, her arms outstretched in greeting and her face serene, a burning lamp in one hand, an open flower in the other. The seating had been split into large sections in a circle around the statue. White half walls enclosed each section, and each had its own red-painted entrances and exits. Asari sparkling in vivid jewel-toned finery milled around the dividers by these small doors, their voices a jumbling hum.

Liara sat with her hands in her lap. People touched her shoulders and spoke to her. She knew it was her name they touched her for, her mother's attention they hoped for, not hers, and interacted little, relying on Erelia and Kandake to handle that. The press of people and the noise overwhelmed her, and she longed for the serenity and freedom of her studies. It didn't grow quiet until Benezia's face appeared on the hall's screens to start the service. Liara took Myti from the nyanya as Narissa's face and voice replaced Benezia's. While those around them stood and sat, sang and chanted, Liara concentrated on distracting the little one.

When the service finally ended, people rose again, chatting as they waited to file out into the crowd and to their feasts. Since all Thessia celebrated these, even those who were not religious, feast hours were staggered. Some feasts started late, like the one her mother and Sha'ira would attend. The ones for maidens began almost immediately, so the younger ones in the crowd moved with more urgency than the others. Liara reluctantly gave Myti back to the nyanya, and extricated her finger from the tiknon's strong grip. The nyanya bowed.

Kandake draped an arm over her shoulder as they walked back toward the side door. "Well 'Ra, we survived another one."

Liara half smiled at the huntress.

Kandake looked at her searchingly. The nyanya and Myti had already disappeared, Liara noticed, probably to join Hepta Narissa. Erelia trailed behind, reading the back of the program. "You want to talk about anything before you go with Varda?" Kandake's hand was warm on Liara's shoulder. The air near the outer door was not as cool.

"No, thank you." Liara responded, her shoulders tightening, reminded that soon she'd have to face Thetis and Nephali. "Happy feast, Filia Kandake."

Kandake squeezed Liara's shoulder then dropped her hand to key in the code. The heat rolled in. They found Varda waiting just outside, sweating.

"Happy feast, Filia 'Ra," Kandake said, giving Liara a last sympathetic glance before she and Erelia disappeared into the crowd.

Varda bowed slightly to Liara, who shrugged out of her jacket and followed the doulous through the throng to a waiting hovercar. Varda opened the door. In the dim interior, Liara could make out Thetis and her sisters, Nephali and another aphrodisia. Liara's throat tightened.

She chose to squeeze in beside one of Thetis' sisters, keeping her jacket on her lap. Thetis ignored her, and Nephali looked out the opposite window. Liara's stomach hurt. She avoided meeting anyone's eyes as Varda took a seat across from her, and the hovercar lifted off.

No one spoke. Liara kept her gaze focused out the window on her side. As host, she should be trying to make conversation, she knew, but she feared what they'd say. When the car landed again, she was almost grateful to step out into the heat. It was less uncomfortable than the car ride had been. Ahead, she recognized the large, city-block-sized fountain that distinguished the center of the temple district. The land dropped away on its other side, leaving a view of a haze-choked valley and gray and white buildings on the far slopes, windows glinting bright as razors. It gave Liara a momentary illusion of openness and freedom, and she lingered. When she heard the car take off, she turned and saw the others filing away through the crowd. She caught up with them at the top of the broad steps to the glass-fronted building next to the fountain, breathing heavily at the exertion.

"What an amazing view!" Nephali exclaimed. "Will we get to see the sun set and the fireworks over the fountain while we feast?"

"Yes," Thetis nodded. "Nothing but the best for the T'Soni's."

"We'll have left before the fireworks." One of Thetis' sisters corrected her.

Liara wondered if Thetis' bitter tone had to do with Filia Iolanta's more moderate means or ...

"Tell me, Liara," Thetis rounded on her. "Do T'Sonis feel like they should have whatever they want?"

"No." Liara felt wretched, and small. She didn't know what to say. Her mother would not focus on herself, she thought, but on the needs of the others. "We wish the best for our guests."

"Are you saying you're better than I am?" Thetis stepped toward Liara, her biotics buzzing.

"By the Goddess, no!" Liara backed away. "Just that I'm supposed to … you're my guest and ksadelfi, to be honored …."

Varda approached. She had stopped when she noticed she was no longer being followed.

"I'm so sorry," Liara said miserably.

One of Thetis's sisters punched Thetis lightly in the shoulder. "Come on, Shiny. No private matters in public. Settle it inside. I'm hungry."

Nephali glanced at Liara.

* * *

Benezia relaxed her shoulders as the ambassador stepped onto the waterway and out of view. Moving slowly, she returned to the altar and carefully covered the sacred tome. Weariness hung on her like another robe. She couldn't remember the last time a Janiris service had left her so drained.

"Allow me, Potnia." Eidothea gently took the altar cloth from her. "I'll finish up here."

Glykeria touched Benezia's arm. "Come, you must be very warm."

"By all means," Sha'ira purred as she circled Benezia's elbow with her hand and steered her toward the ramp, "let's get you out of those robes." The interactions had energized her friend, given her a high, a response they usually shared.

In the opisthodomos, Sha'ira's voice rose and fell like a song as she discussed the various guests. Chara and Glykeria unfastened and peeled the layers of clothing off Benezia. She let her mind wander. Watching them place the golden robe on its stand reminded her of how sad Liara had looked that morning, tracing a design on it. Benezia's heart ached at the memory, and she realized she hadn't talked with Shiala since she sent her to check on Liara.

"The elcor ambassador will definitely make an appointment." Sha'ira laughed.

"Glykeria," Benezia addressed the doulous untying the left side of the last stiff robe. "Where's Shiala?"

Glykeria hesitated. "I believe she's returning jewelry to the storeroom, Lady Benezia."

"This side's done." Chara announced loudly on the right, "You ready, Ker?"

"Yes," Glykeria answered, and the two lifted the last robe over Benezia's head, carefully avoiding her crests.

The relief was palpable. Clad in only a filmy undershift, Benezia could now feel the slight breezes blowing in through the columns. With a grateful sigh, she sunk into a chair.

Chara fetched sweet water.

"Thank you." Benezia leaned back as she received it. "Please tell Shiala that I'd like to speak with her."

Chara bowed and left. Sha'ira walked over to where Benezia's evening gown for the feast waited on its stand and trailed a finger over it, appraising the cut and fabric. Benezia sipped her drink. "If your invitation still stands, I think this summer would be a good time for a vacation. It's not every year one's daughter graduates from lykeion. I'd like to spend some time with her before she leaves for university."

Sha'ira regarded Benezia sympathetically. "I'd love for you to visit, but a trip to the Citadel wouldn't leave you with time for her. The matriarchy would load you with responsibilities, and the Council would want you to advise."

"We could travel incognito," Benezia suggested.

"The Shadow Broker would find out, and who knows where that information would wind up." Sha'ira sat on the end of the bed.

"Maybe the Shadow Broker would do me a favor."

Sha'ira laughed. "You think it's me?!"

"If it's not, finding out who is sounds like your kind of challenge."

Sha'ira was about to reply when Shiala appeared in the doorway.

"You wanted to see me, Potnia?"

"Yes, Shiala. How's Liara?"

* * *

Liara let everyone else go first into the room. A long, sunken table ran perpendicular to the windowed wall facing the fountain. Thick, red carpet with pale petal designs covered the floor, and pillows lay heaped around the table. As everyone settled, Liara took her spot at its head, and the servers poured drinks. Musicians on the room's far side began to play as food circulated. Moods improved as everyone ate. Her guests started talking and laughing among themselves again, to her relief. After several courses, artists came in holding bulbs with narrow stems that held skin paint and offered their services. Varda sat in a corner.

They were on their fourth course, featuring hourmathes yemistoi, when a bunch of giggling asari stumbled through the doors, insisting that they had reserved the room. Varda called the restaurant's manager to settle the dispute. While those two argued, the newcomers flirted with Liara's party, convinced the musicians to strike up a more festive tune, and enticed some of Thetis' sisters to dance.

"Liara?" Nephali took a seat next to Liara, her eyes showing pain Liara hated to see.

"I'm so sorry, Nephali." Liara said earnestly. "I never meant to hurt you."

The older kore regarded the floor before she met Liara's gaze with soulful green eyes. "I don't mind them knowing we kissed." She said softly. "It's that it meant nothing to you, when it meant something to me."

Liara's heart pounded. "You can't say things like that to me." She shook her head. "You're Thetis' aphrodisia." Across the room, the circle of dancers shouted and changed direction.

When Nephali bent her neck, Liara's eyes traced its curve. Nephali's sleeveless red and orange dress was cut low in the front and very low in the back, revealing more spine than would be considered proper at any other time of year. Liara could see all the way down to where dimples appeared on either side of the older kore's spine. Liara's breathing quickened. Entranced, she reached out. The skin was so smooth there.

"Liara." Nephali leaned into her, and everything melted away except where they touched.

Blue flashed and Liara found herself a few feet from the table, confusedly staring up at Thetis from the floor. "You've no right to dishonor me, no matter who you are!"

"You're overreacting!" Nephali interjected, rising to her feet.

"She was just touching you in front of everyone, like I'm not even here!" Thala shouted.

One of Thetis' sisters caught Thetis' arm as she raised a glowing fist. Glancing back to where Varda and the manager gesticulated, she whispered furiously, "_Think_ about what you're doing." Thetis pulled her arm free, but the glow faded.

Another of Thetis' sisters went to Liara's side and offered her a hand up. "We apologize on behalf of our family."

"No, I apologize." Liara winced as she stood. "I'm so sorry, Thetis. Tell me what I can do to make amends, and I will." She didn't know what was wrong with her.

The sister who'd helped her up rolled her eyes at them. "Why don't you just share pleasures? You both want her; you both can have her." She shrugged. "She doesn't belong to either of you, and people do it all the time at university, with less drama."

Liara's cheeks burned. She couldn't meet Nephali's eyes.

"No one asked you, Kahlee!" Thetis glared at her sister.

"What do you want, Shiny Tits?" The other sister poked Thetis in the ribs, teasing her, "You want us to hold Liara down so you can beat her up for finding your aphrodisia attractive?" She snorted. "Violence is much worse than kisses. Besides, do you have any idea how bad it would be if you hurt her?"

"I have an aphrodisia," Liara choked out. "Thala."

Kahlee shrugged again. "So ask her to join too, if you want."

Liara turned an even brighter purple.

"Don't be so uptight, Liara," Thetis' other sister admonished. "You and Thetis have known each other all your lives and used to play together all the time. Why stop now?"

Kahlee slapped Liara's back. "Tonight's better spent dancing than arguing, whatever you decide."

The other sister stepped away from Thetis, who held out a hand to Nephali.

With a glance at Liara, Nephali went to her, and they rejoined the dancers. Liara could see the situation was resolving itself. The two groups had formed a larger, most festive party, one she didn't deserve to be a part of. Liara slipped into the hallway, her eyes hot with tears.

* * *

"You said Liara wasn't sexually interested in asari," Benezia protested.

"So it seemed, yet you sent Liara outside with Thala when you noticed her reaction to Nephali," Sha'ira countered. "Didn't you?"

"Thala," Benezia sighed. She had risen as Shiala shared the morning's events and now rested her hands on the back of the chair. "And everyone knows?"

"I told Kandake and Varda to keep them apart today," Shiala replied.

"Everyone knows," Sha'ira answered, "except the Hepta, who were busy, like you."

Benezia looked away from the other two before looking back at Shiala. "You're sure? Liara? On the verge of a drunken joining?!"

Shiala nodded.

"That doesn't sound like my daughter." Benezia closed her eyes.

Sha'ira went to her and touched her arm. "Benny, Liara's been needing to talk with you about … things."

"Things?" The thought that she had not been there for her daughter in some essential way wrenched Benezia's heart.

"Benny … she's growing up." Sha'ira stood near her.

"I know," she turned to Sha'ira. "I just ... I thought her neural pathways mustn't be fully formed for joining yet, and that was why..."

"We're sexual beings even in the womb, Benny," Sha'ira said, "Not everyone develops the same way or on the same timetable. Liara may be mature enough."

Rubbing a hand over her forehead, Benezia took a deep breath. "What do we know about Nephali?"

Shiala's omni went off and a hologram of Varda appeared.

"I can't find her!" The neophyte doulous looked ready to cry. "I only took my eyes off her for a second, but now she's not here!"

"Calm down!" Shiala said, "Lady Benezia is with me…."

"Oh Goddess," Varda started to sob, "she'll kill me!"

"Varda," Benezia said, stepping closer to Shiala. "Tell us what happened."

The story of the other group's arrival, the reservation dispute, the dancing, even the argument Liara had had earlier with Thetis spilled out while Shiala typed on her omni. "But I made sure they didn't sit near each other, and everyone had relaxed," Varda finished. Several douli arrived as Benezia dressed.

Shiala gave directions. Varda was to wait for Chara and Eidothea. Varda and Eidothea would take the other maidens back to the estate, while Chara and Shiala searched for Liara. "She probably went to the facilities and will have returned before we get there," Shiala said reassuringly. "Just stay put."

"Is Nephali there, and Thetis?" Sha'ira asked Varda.

The doulous' hologram could be seen looking around. "I think so, yes. Wait, which one is Thetis?"

"Varda!" Benezia's reprimand came out more sharply than she'd intended as she looked up from her own omni. Liara hadn't answered her call.

"There are so many people," Varda wailed. "I don't know everybody!"

"Varda, guard the door, stay calm, and don't let anyone out. We're on our way." Shiala gestured to the others to get going. The room cleared. She took a step toward Benezia. "I'll find her, I promise."

Benezia's omni buzzed; it wasn't Liara. Shiala's omni buzzed; it wasn't Varda. They exchanged a look. Sha'ira's started buzzing.

Benezia answered. "Yes?"

Matriarch Angelith appeared. "Benezia, we've received a credible threat, and have a team en route to escort you to a secure location."

Benezia felt her heart in her throat. "Angelith."

"Is there a problem?"

"My daughter is..." All her worst fears rose to mind, but Benezia suppressed them, "… out on her own right now."

Angelith considered the news. "We'll dispatch a team for her too. Send the details and her omni PIN." Her image flickered and disappeared.

Benezia headed for the ramp up to the cella, the other two close behind.

"_If_ someone has taken Liara, they've done it to get to you." Shiala said, catching up.

Benezia regarded Shiala. "If she's not at the restaurant, try … the kinds of places she's gone before. Call me if you run into trouble."

With a nod, Shiala took off at a run.

Sha'ira grabbed Benezia's arm. "What are you doing?"

"If someone's trying to use my daughter to get to me, I'm going to catch them off-balance." Benezia gently removed Sha'ira's hand.

"What do you mean?" Sha'ira looked worried.

"I'm going to give them me."

* * *

The circle spun, whirling and whirling to the wild beat. Light glinted off necklaces, bracelets, eyes and teeth. Liara became a pale blur across the room. Three times the dancers spun, clinging to one another, laughing loudly, then another turn and no Liara. Nephali freed herself from the circle and went to the table, trying to catch her breath. Cold water from a pitcher cooled the burning in her throat, but still, no Liara. Nephali headed for the door.

"Neph," Thetis called after her. "They're doing your favorite next."

Nephali exited, and saw no sign of Liara. The door flew open behind her.

"Neph!" Thetis was panting. "Where are you going?"

"I have to use the rest rooms," Nephali lied, "I'll be back before they start."

"No, you won't." Thetis frowned. "You want to be with Liara!"

"You hit her!" Nephali hissed.

"She kissed you!" People noticed Thetis' shouting. "She was all over you!"

Nephali's eyes narrowed. "You're obsessed with kisses?" She grabbed Thetis. "Then here." Trapping her against the wall, she kissed her for all she was worth. The people who had been drawn to investigate their raised voices smiled knowingly and moved on. When Nephali finished, she released Thala, breathing heavily. "That's the last one you'll get from me." She turned and walked away, leaving Thetis behind.

Her hunch about where Liara might be paid off. She recognized the younger kore by the glass wall of the entrance, watching the sun set. "It's a lovely view," she said quietly.

Liara turned, the light reflecting off the tears on her face.

"Is it that bad?"

With a sniff, Liara wiped her cheeks.

Reaching out a hand, Nephali stroked Liara's cheek. "I wanted to tell you at the table not to feel guilty about the kisses, or about desiring me. I chose to kiss you, and kissing you made me aware," her hand slid down Liara's neck, "of how much more it is possible to feel than what I had known." The setting sun had transformed the afternoon haze into a panoply of pink and red streaked with orange. Nephali's could feel Liara's biotics stir beneath her hand, and a pleasurable ache from their nearness.

Liara swayed on her feet. "I … keep not thinking about what I'm doing, and it gets us in trouble. I'm so sorry."

"I'm not." Nephali's teeth flashed white. "Somewhere you knew." She interlaced her fingers with Liara's. The younger asari drew her in a way no one else had before. The desire she felt grew with every touch. "There's a special place not far from here I want to show you." Smiling, she led Liara out into the evening.

* * *

"We interrupt our broadcast for breaking news." The big screens flashed the special bulletin graphic.

Eos groaned. Her team had been winning. "Tell me they'll at least return to the game."

Across the table, her mother laughed. "Anything and everything that can happen, will happen tonight."

"Like naked ball." The krogan next to her mother chuckled. The game had involved more fights and torn uniforms than usual. Players on both teams had had their shirts ripped in scrums and a few now played shirtless.

"The heat's not the only thing breaking records," a reporter's jubilant voice announced. "Lady Benezia is making an impromptu and unprecedented visit in the Market Square." The visual cut to crowds of drunken, half-clad feast-goers pressing around a regal figure in red. The small figure smiled and shook hands and spoke to them, while people screamed, took photos and those at the edges jumped up and down to catch a glimpse. "This is the first time a Potnia has ever done such a thing on Janiris. As you can see, there's lots of excitement down here, where Lady Benezia is demonstrating the style and grace that has made her the youngest and most popular Potnia in millennia." The cameras zoomed closer. Benezia noticed them and waved. Some in the restaurant clapped at that, and many signaled for their checks. The place buzzed with energy. People wanted to get over to the Agora. "People are gathering to show her how the other half celebrates Janiris, and to be on hand if she's brought us a special message." Some in the crowd now noticed the cameras too and waved at them, some flashed their breasts. The visual cut back the the reporter, who was having a hard time staying on her feet amidst all the jostling. "City Central's feast hour has begun, so we can only presume she's decided to take the scenic route and arrive fashionably late." More and more feast-goers could be seen arriving. "Stay tuned as we continue live coverage of this historic event."

"I like her," the krogan across from Eos announced. "She has a quad."

"Brains too, usually," the gruff asari next to him said, putting down her drink as the camera, bouncing a little, zoomed in on Benezia's dress, and a commentator went on about it being a custom Oia design. Aethyta dialed up her omni.

"It doesn't make sense. There aren't enough commandos on Thessia to make the Agora safe for her tonight." Eos muttered, and then caught sight of her mom. "What are you doing?"

The krogan shrugged. "I thought everyone liked her."

"Yeah, except for those who don't like that about her." Aethyta found what she was looking for and punched in the number. "Which is why it seems like a good time to call an old friend."

"Oh M'a, don't."

"You asari," the krogan shook his head and took another drink, "you make everything so complicated."

* * *

"I told Thala I'd be back at the house by the third hour." Liara felt uneasy. Mobs had been rushing by in the opposite direction, and still Nephali led her away from the restaurant. "You can show me this place later this week, when it isn't so crazy." Revelers ran into her and rushed off without apology. The alleys they traveled grew more deserted.

"Just a little farther," Nephali responded. "We're almost there." She looked back over her shoulder. "Please Liara, I won't get another chance if they send me home."

Liara knew that was a real possibility. What they were doing right now probably assured that. They had to have missed them by now, and everyone would assume that she and Neph were... She flushed. It would make her morning's indiscretions pale by comparison; she shouldn't have come. "If we're not there in five minutes, I'm turning back," she cautioned, her face hot.

They were climbing now up narrow alleys. Streetlights were few and far between. Her eyes on Nephali's bare back, Liara wavered between feeling uncomfortable and excited.

"Look! There it is!" Nephali pointed ahead to a sunken courtyard. A large tree stood in the middle, its slender branches drooping in a cascade around it. White star-shaped flowers blossomed along the branches and littered the ground. Liara could also see small round paper lanterns, slips of paper and cloth, and small metal ornaments tied to its branches.

"What is it?" Liara had never seen another like it.

Nephali flashed a smile before she descended the steep flight of stairs into the courtyard. "The wishing tree."

Getting to the bottom of the stairs, Liara advanced to the railing erected around the tree, reached out and touched a ribbon tied to it.

Nephali scaled the railing. "You write your wish or bring some token and tie it to the tree, and your wish comes true."

The blossoms' heady, intoxicating fragarance pervaded the courtyard. Following Nephali's example, Liara climbed over the railing. A small box fastened to it held scarlet strips of cloth and small writing instruments. Like Nephali, Liara took one, thought a few minutes, and wrote on it. Walking a little ways away, she choose a branch and tied her wish among the others. They needed to hurry back, but she lingered.

"What's your wish, Liara?" The older kore approached, slowly slipping her arms out of her top and letting it fall around her hips. "I know what mine is."

* * *

Shiala found Chara kneeling by an unconscious Thetis in the hall outside the rented dining room.

"I can't wake her." Chara stroked Thetis' forehead.

"What's she doing out here?" Shiala knelt beside them. "Was she drugged?"

"I don't know. I found her like this on my way in." Chara looked upset.

Shiala frowned and went into the room. Eidothea and Varda had already departed with Lady Benezia's other young guests, but the servers had been instructed not to clear anything, much to the manager's dismay. Other important guests had probably booked the room, the finest in the establishment, and that was not so easily covered as the expenses.

The manager hovered at Shiala's side. "I assure you none of my staff would allow any unsavory characters in the building, and none would lay a finger on the Potnia's daughter," the manager hastened to assure her. "Our security is quite good."

"No one's security is good Janiris night." Shiala grabbed a pitcher of water from the table and returned to Chara and Thetis. "Step back, Chara."

Chara gently set Thetis' head on the floor and stepped back. Shiala dumped its contents on Thetis, who moaned and stirred.

"Do you have to do this here?" the manager asked. Other guests were noticing.

Shiala ignored her and knelt. "Thetis, can you hear me?"

Thetis gagged.

Shiala quickly lifted her and held her while she retched. When Thetis had emptied her stomach, Shiala repeated the question.

The manager beckoned her staff, who set up privacy screens around them, and started mopping up the floor.

Thetis moved sluggishly, groaning.

"What happened?" Shiala gripped Thetis' shoulders, afraid she already knew the answer.

"Neph." Thetis slurred the name, and her eyes didn't focus.

Shiala grew very still as a single small blood drop wept from the corner of Thetis' right eye.

"Chara, take her to the hospital right now." Shiala told her companion. "We need emergency transport," she informed the manager.

"Why? What is it?" Chara carefully gathered Thetis in a biotic cocoon.

"Nephali," Shiala's expression was grim, "is Ardat Yakshi."

Chara stared at her, dumbstruck.

"Go! Now!" Shiala activated her omni and dialed the matriarchy's relevant security team as the manager whisked Chara and Thetis away. "Have you located their omni signals?"

"Affirmative, we've almost reached them."

"I urge extreme caution and haste." Shiala stepped into the dining room. "We've reason to believe the one with Lady Benezia's daughter is Ardat Yakshi."

Her omni crackled with static for a moment. "We're pulling back to wait for justicars."

"No!" Shiala said loudly. "The Ardat Yakshi is young and probably doesn't even know she is one. I was able to restrain her earlier today." Shiala lowered her voice. "If you want to keep the Potnia safe, she needs her daughter to be. Please hurry. You could save both korei's lives if you hurry."

Another crackling buzz. "Proceeding. Do you want to stay patched in?"

"Please," Shiala paced. Her omni buzzed, but she ignored it.

"We're at 400 meters." The commando breathed heavily into the headset as she ran. Laughter and loud music could be heard and shouts. Shiala could see the blips marked targets on the bottom of the screen.

"200 meters." Her omni buzzed again.

The blips weren't moving. Shiala prayed that Liara was okay.

"50 meters, I have visual."

Another breathless voice cut in. "Five meters, deploying biotic restraints." Shouts and screams could be heard. "I've got them, I've got them. They're both alive and unharmed."

Shiala exhaled. Her omni buzzed.

A hologram popped up, then another. "Can you confirm…"

"That's not them." Shiala wanted to cry with frustration. "That's not Liara or Nephali."

"Where did you get these omnis?" The commando demanded.

"They were lying on the ground," one of the captives said. "We thought if the people who'd bought them didn't want them, we did."

The commando's hologram hovered above Shiala's omni, which buzzed again. "Sorry ma'am, we'll take them in for questioning."

"Have them show you where they found the omnis," Shiala suggested. "If they hurt Liara to steal hers ..." She noticed the id on the incoming call. "I'm sorry, I have to go. Let me know what you find out."

"Will do."

Shiala keyed up the waiting call.

"Took you long enough, you flatulent space cow," Aethtya growled. "Why's Nezzie shaking her tits for everyone in the Agora? She's going to get herself killed!"

* * *

"Lady Benezia, you need to come with us," the huntress had to shout to be heard. The crowd had grown exponentially in the last half hour, and the commandos wouldn't be able to contain it much longer. Already they were being tossed back and forth by sheer numbers.

"Not until you find my daughter," Benezia shouted back, reaching out to touch the hands in front of her.

"Getting crushed to death here will not help her," the huntress replied as the line of commandos with locked arms was pushed back again before the crowd.

Benezia looked over at the huntress. Sweat beaded both their brows. "Then I urge you to hurry."

The huntress changed her approach. "They've finished the feast at Center and await the blessing of the Goddess for the coming year. Please, if you don't go, there will be riots."

Benezia looked out over the crowd a moment, then spoke to those right around her. "Please, lift me up. I want to say something." People around her grasped her elbows, knees, legs and buttocks, some with hands, some with biotics, and lifted her up. The news cameras zoomed in. She couldn't see anything in the glare of their lights. The people around her dissolved into a dark mass, an ocean tossed by waves. "My sister Armaliese," she shouted above the roar several times before it quieted. "Thank you for letting me share Janiris with you. I'm expected downtown, and must go." She waited until the booing died down. "I want to leave you with a blessing." When the cheering had quieted, she lifted her arms. Arms rose out of the dark mass, backlit. She hoped none held weapons. "May the Goddess grant you eirene in the coming year, an eirene you grow in your hearts and offer to one another, an eirene you preserve and that will preserve you. Kali Janiris and kali nihta!" The crowd surged as voices called out. A hovercar roared close overhead, its passenger door open, and with effort, she lifted herself up to it.

The huntress followed, closed the door and sat across from Benezia as she leaned back, exhausted and slick with sweat. "Are you hurt?"

The car zoomed away. "No." Benezia's voice was hoarse and low after shouting for the past hour to be heard in the square. "Where's my daughter?"

"We tracked down her omni, but it wasn't on her." The huntress hesitated.

Benezia's expression was stony. "Tell me."

"One of your guests had to be rushed to the hospital." The hovercar veered sharply toward Central.

Benezia braced herself. "Who?"

"I don't know, but the doctors say her trauma could only have been caused by an Ardat Yakshi." The car swooped down toward the feast hall. "The restaurant's cameras showed your daughter leaving her omni behind and exiting the facility with the suspect."

Leaves, flowers and dust swirled around the hovercar as the huntress opened the door. Benezia stared unseeing at it for a moment before stepping out. "Wait here," she ordered. "I'll be back in 20 minutes."

* * *

Liara felt her insides clench as Nephali stepped toward her. All her thoughts collided into each other and vanished.

"Did you know this kind of tree only grows in Armali?" Nephali drew close.

Liara shook her head, her eyes darkening.

"There are creatures that fly for thousands of miles when one has bloomed." She pressed lightly against Liara, who stumbled back into the railing. Nephali's fingertips brushed Liara's legs right below the edge of her skirt. The sensation swept Liara like lightning. She could feel it in the soles of her feet and higher. Nephali's fingers slid up, stroking the insides of Liara's thighs. She brought her legs together, but Nephali did not withdraw her hands.

Liara opened and closed her mouth without a sound.

"They come because the petals are silky and soft." Nephali's fingertips brushed Liara's silks aside and ... Liara gasped and clutched the railing.

"They come because the nectar is so sweet." Nephali knelt and gently pushed Liara's legs open. Liara's breathing hitched. Nephali sipped slowly, softly, then lapped and lapped. Liara felt herself become liquid, loose. Her silks fell, torn, unnoticed. Her biotics danced. Nephali moved, glowed, lapped. Liara's limbs gave out. She slid to the ground. Nephali pushed Liara's body down and her skirt up, spread her legs and drank and drank. Images imposed on images, imposed Nephali, imposed Nephali. "Liara." It was a familiar sound. Nephali was doing something inside her that felt so good and something inside her that ... hurt.

Liara's eyes flashed blue. "Wha're you," the question slurred, "doin'?"

"What aphrodisiai do." Nephali heavy now, kissing and kissing her, pushing her legs apart, kneading and stroking and pressing ... oh! Liara's darkened eyes flew open. She clutched Nephali's back as the world spun. Nephali moved inside her now, moved inside her now, moved inside her. The pressure built, poking, prodding, pushing, oh seeking and swelling and stretching, now hotter, now harder, now huger! Now, she clung, now. The world spun and spun and spun. Nephali moved, she thrust, she moved, she thrust, deeper in, deeper in, deep in, deep. She found, she found, she filled. Oh! Oh, Nephali! Oh! Overhead stars, burning sky.

* * *

Shiala paced. "Can you really track her?"

Eos concentrated. "Yes, she has a distinctive energy pattern." Now that she knew what it looked like when it stayed still, Eos focused on getting a sense of what the pattern looked like when it moved. "She was thrown biotically by the short one when she was in here."

"Let me get this straight," Aethyta scowled at Shiala. "You caught Liara with an Ardat Yakshi this morning, sent her off for a nice feast with her, a feast where her supposed friends knock her around and she's for dessert? No one thought to teach her self defense?"

"I didn't know Nephali was an Ardat Yakshi this morning!" Shiala snapped. "Nor would it have been appropriate for Liara to fight a guest!"

"It would be good for her to fight these!" Aethyta snapped back.

Shiala turned away. Aethyta glowered. When Eos went to the corridor, they followed. Eos carefully read Nephali's signature. "I've got it," she said quietly, then set off at a jog, leading them outside the building and around it, away into the night. They had to weave through the crowds at first. These thinned as they reached dark allies where only here and there couples lay engrossed in embraces. With fewer people about, and less energy signals to untangle, Eos picked up speed.

"I think I know where they're going." Aethyta said as they neared some stairs. "The wishing tree, it's a good place … we must hurry." She ran.

"Good?" Shiala was getting winded.

"For knitting sweaters. What do you think? Athame's ass!" Aethyta beat the others to the top. "There it is."

"Do you see them?" Shiala called.

Aethyta squinted. "Eos? Do I?" Her eyesight wasn't what it used to be.

Eos brushed her arm as she passed, descending into the courtyard.

"They stopped here." Eos grimaced in concentration. After a moment, she glanced at her mom. "M'a, I only read one signature leaving, and it's not Liara's. It's Nephali's, and it's super bright."

"She doesn't know what she's doing," Shiala protested. "She doesn't know how to do it. She can't have!"

Aethyta slowly went to the curtain of the branches and pulled them back.

* * *

The thrill of touching Liara grew the more Nephali did it. Liara tasted like honey wine, trembled with pleasure and pulsed with energy until Nephali could bear it no longer. She would. "Liara." She must.

"Wha," Liara moaned, "'re you doin?"

"What aphrodisiai do." Urgently, she pressed Liara down, filled her mouth, spread her wide and yes! Yes! She'd milk the warm, wet heat in her! Liara's arms twined around her, her legs fluttering against hers. Nephali surged, stroking and sliding in, pressing and pushing in, seeking and shoving and sliding in! Yes! Oh, yes! Light burst high above, lights dazzled, far above, sparkling, explosions. Fireworks! The hieros gamos was underway, the hieros gamos, yes! She needed more, she needed that, she needed more, more, more! Oh! Like _that_, yes like _that_, yes she could, yes she would, yes when she, oh when she, yes like this, oh like this, yes she was, oh she was, oh she was oh she was, _oh! _She _was!_ She'd never been in like _this_! Oh pleasure, oh pleasure, in pleasure, oh Liara, more Liara, so deep, yes Liara, in deep, oh Liara, almost all, yes there, almost all, yes, in! There like _that_, deep like _this_, in Liara, in, in, IN ... pain?

Nephali opened her eyes. "Liara?" In the next burst of light, she saw tears running down Liara's temples. She wavered. They were almost, oh if she only, just a little! In the flash of the next firework, Nephali saw it was blood, blood dripping from Liara's dark eyes. She mustn't, she must. Need rocked her very core. Trembling, she rolled away. "Get up." Liara did not respond, her languorousness too tempting. "Get up!" She shook her. Liara barely stirred. She shook her roughly. "Get up! GET UP!"

Liara clutched the railing and slowly pulled herself to her feet, weak and unsteady, her eyes, half-lidded, weeping blood.

Nephali pushed her leg. "Run. You must ... run. Something's wrong, and I ... can't ..." Her eyes flashed green, then black again, need burning in her. "You must ... get away from me." Her body pulsed. The need. She must.

* * *

The wall reeled against Liara's shoulder, the ground shifting here, there.

"Liara. Liara. Liara." The sound trickled, trailing rocks. Footsteps. She staggered on.

Ahead bright squares danced, laughing and laughing.

"Where hey going watch you're!"

"Face that what's on her?" More laughter. She warded it off. Lights spinning.

"Lililililililiarararararaaaa." Everything swirled. She fell into the light, and it rained on her.

* * *

When they heard breaking glass, they ran. They shoved through the crowd. "She stepped right through the window. I can't believe it."

A young asari swayed on all fours above jagged shards of glass. Glass crunched under Aethyta's feet. "Don't move!" she ordered.

Liara raised an arm as if reaching for something to hold on to. Blood covered it. She struggled to get to her feet.

"She's hurt!" A bystander cried.

Shiala sought some sign of Nephali.

Aethyta took a tablecloth and shook glass from it. "Don't move, Liara. I'll get you out of there."

Eos took a step toward them. Something flashed in the corner of her eye. "M'a!" She turned, raising a shield. "Watch out!"

Biotics crackled and shimmered as Shiala trapped Nephali in stasis. Nephali, shining, flexed against it, and it shivered. Eos added her biotics as well.

Aethyta scooped Liara up as she collapsed, wrapping the cloth around her. "I've got you, Little Wing. It's over. I've got you. "


	24. A Hundred Miles

**A Hundred Miles**

from Mary Oliver's _Wild Geese_

_You do not have to be good.  
You do not have to walk on your knees  
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.  
You only have to let the soft animal of your body  
Love what it loves._

* * *

Aethyta stepped away from the broken glass and the restrained asari, cradling Liara. She was so grown up, so heavy. Liara's eyelids fluttered, and her body shivered. A profound sense of helplessness swept Aethyta. She was so young.

"Let me go!" Nephali struggled to free herself. "You have no right to keep me from her anymore. We're aphrodisiai." Her eyes were black, then green, then black. "Liara!"

"Another word," Shiala spit out the worst invective known in asari language, "and I will end you." Her lip curled, and her biotics blazed as she increased the pressure of her stasis, sweat pouring down her.

The crowd grew silent.

"Is she okay?" Eos called back.

Liara shuddered. A matron unclasped her thin cloak and laid it on the ground. Others did likewise, making a place for Aethyta to set Liara down. Aethyta knelt beside them keeping Liara in her arms. Someone wiped the blood from Liara's round cheeks. Liara spasmed. Someone else touched Aethyta's shoulder. She couldn't focus on what they were saying.

Bright lights flashed and gusts of superheated air swept the narrow cobbled street, blowing one of the cloaks away and the rest aside as one hovercar and then another landed on nearby roofs. The crowd pulled back.

People were saying something, but Aethyta didn't care. Then a familiar scent she'd tried to forget reached her and strong, slender fingers lifted her chin. She looked up into those bright, terribly beautiful eyes, hearing that voice say her name. Her arms tightened around Liara. "Nez." She couldn't look away. "How could you?"

Heat and biotics poured from Nezzie, and her hands shook. "She needs the hospital."

It was so hard to let go.

She stepped away. "Please bring her."

'Ira stopped Nez from getting in the front when they got to the car. Nez opened a passenger door. Aethyta ducked her head and stepped in, opposite an unconscious pair, a commando and a huntress, judging by their dress. Nezzie got in and closed the door. The hovercar jerked up and banked hard left, throwing Aethyta against Nez. The commando rolled to the floor.

"'Ira!" They both yelled. The car banked steeply right. Nezzie kept them from tumbling against the other door. "She's bleeding."

"She walked through glass." Another swerve knocked Aethyta on Nezzie's lap. It was softer than she remembered. Nez shifted her arm lower for a better grip. Brightly lit buildings loomed outside the windows as the car careened and careered. Aethyta struggled to hold onto Liara. The convulsions were getting worse.

A glance at Nezzie showed her eyes were closed. She looked haggard. Aethyta supposed she was praying. There had been times when she'd wished she shared Nezzie's faith. The car plummeted, and Aethyta's stomach dropped with it, then rose into her throat. She held on to Liara. The combination of the car's movements and the close proximity—Nez's sweet, sweaty scent; the heat and give of her body; and the feel of her holding her—was making Aethyta dizzy. Lights flashed through the car. It screeched as it skidded and bumped up into a tilted landing. When 'Ira opened their door, they fell out. A tree had stopped the car, nose up, half on a bench, in the plaza outside the hospital.

Uniformed hospital security guards ran toward them. "Hey! Stop! You can't park there!"

Nezzie straightened her dress and strode toward the hospital. Aethyta tried to keep up. Her arms were tiring.

"Listen, you can't…." The guard on the left said.

"Hetera," Nezzie called without changing her stride or looking back, "Would you move the car to wherever they would prefer it?"

"Hetera?! Right, and I'm the queen of krogans..." The guard eyeballed Sha'ira, who had stopped, before focusing again on Nez, who had not. "Hey! You! Halt, or I will use force!"

"We need help." Nezzie brushed past the guard's outstretched arms. "Escort us."

"Agallis… " The other guard cautioned.

Agallis sent a stasis.

Nezzie squelched it, not slowing but shielding Aethyta and Liara. Aethyta gave a faint grin. If she'd the energy, she'd have warned them not to mess with Nez when her eyes glowed.

"Agy! Don't you recognize her? Stop!" The other guard protested, then ran in front of Nezzie. "Your Ladyship, I'm so sorry, if you'll follow me..." She activated her headset and called for an emergency team, running ahead.

Liara convulsed violently. Using biotics might hurt her. Aethyta couldn't … no, she wouldn't drop her! "Nezzie!"

Nez turned, saw and hurriedly positioned herself opposite Aethyta, wrapping her arms around Liara as well. Holding her between them, they moved sideways towards the doors as quickly as they could. One set opened, another; a stretcher team pushed through the crowded lobby, and medics took Liara from them.

"Be careful with her," Nezzie admonished. "Not so rough!" She struggled against the medics as they restrained Liara.

"Let them,' Aethyta caught Nez's arms, pulled her back and held her, "do their job."

Nez tried to free herself, her eyes on Liara, but Aethyta didn't let her.

Minutes later, the medics had Liara strapped in and were propelling the stretcher toward a long ramp with double doors at the bottom. "We have a level 5 IIE," announced the one who stood on the railing at the back of the stretcher, taking scans, while the others pushed. A jag of biotics sparked then cracked over Liara. "I'm reading massive spikes in her synaptic clefts. Prep a halo!" The rest of the team jumped up onto the stretcher's rails as its wheels found a track in the floor. The doors at the bottom of the ramp swung open automatically.

Nezzie turned toward her. Aethyta released her, and she hurried after the stretcher.

* * *

Thala rubbed the edge of her jacket between her finger and thumb. The fabric was slippery and a little stiff. It was the nicest dress she'd ever owned, and the most expensive. Her mother had borrowed money to get it for her, making her promise she'd wear it for graduation too. Thala thought she looked good in it. Maybe Liara'd finally ask her to sleep over tonight?

A dark-clad asari walked into the kitchen and helped herself to a drink.

"Come on, K." A naked, fuller-figured asari followed her. "Just this once?"

"Eri…." The dark-clad asari set her glass down on the counter. "It's not my thing."

"How do you know," the other leaned into her, "if you've never tried it?" The two kissed.

Thala thought she probably should leave.

"After all these years," the dark-clad asari replied huskily, "I know what works for me."

Thala edged toward the door. It'd definitely be better to wait for Liara elsewhere.

"Unh-unh-unh," the naked one was, well, Thala thought she should stop looking. "Not in Benezia's kitchen. All I'm saying is that it wouldn't kill you to wear a dress once in a while…."

Something gave behind Thala. She spun and grabbed at a teetering Athame statue.

"You're one to talk…."

The statue toppled. Diving, Thala managed to get her arms under it and, by some miracle, it didn't break.

The dark-clad asari walked over. "Am I interrupting something?"

"I didn't mean to..." Thala freed herself. "Liara said I could come over…. I was waiting for her."

"You must be Thala." She helped Thala up. "I'm Kandake, and I see you've become acquainted with our hostess gift. We had no idea it would have such a powerful effect on Athame lovers." The dark-clad asari laughed.

Face hot, Thala righted the statue.

"We plan to pose it around the house—have it offering drinks on the patio one day, relaxing in the heated spring the next, maybe have it waiting for Benezia in the shower with massage oils." Kandake demonstrated how the statue's limbs could be moved. "But you've given me an idea. We should put it in her bed." She turned to the other asari. "What do you think, Eri?"

The other asari had her hands on her hips. "Maybe we should get it to wear your Janiris dress, too."

"Works for me," Kandake called after the naked asari now heading down the hallway. She turned back to Thala. "That's my bondmate."

Thala swallowed and nodded. It was a huge relief the statue wasn't expensive or sacred or anything.

"You look like you could use a drink." Kandake went back to the bar. "Would you like one?"

"Okay." Thala slowly joined her.

Kandake selected a bottle, put down another glass and poured.

Thala picked up the glass pushed toward her. Slightly luminescent lavender liquid bubbled in it, a real drink, a grownup drink.

"So you're Liara's aphrodisia?"

Thala smiled happily. "Yes."

Kandake drank, letting the liquid sit in her mouth for a few minutes before swallowing. "She's never invited an aphrodisia to Janiris before. You must be special to her."

Thala imitated Kandake, or tried to. The drink was stronger than she expected. It burned! She swallowed quickly and tried not to cough, but had to a few times. When she got her breath back she cleared her throat and answered, "Liara's the special one."

"Here's to two special people…" Kandake clinked her glass against Thala's.

"Do you think," Thala set her glass down after sipping, "it's okay that I invited myself over? I mean, I don't want to be too pushy or anything, and I know this is a busy time of year and all…. with lots of pressure on Liara because of everything." She stared at the glass. "I wouldn't want to ... do that."

Kandake set her glass down. "It seemed to make Liara's day when she thought she'd see you."

Thala felt a surge of hope. "You were with her?"

Kandake nodded. "Can I give you some advice?"

Thala nodded.

"Confidence is sexy. Confidence," Kandake lifted her glass and finished her drink in one gulp, "is knowing who you are and what you want. With confidence, you can relax, knowing that it's okay to ask for what you want, that how you feel about yourself and the other person doesn't depend on the answer. It allows others to relax around you too, and sometimes relaxation is important. Sometimes it's key."

Thala sighed and fingered her glass. "Sometimes I wish…."

"K!" The bondmate bustled back into the room, in satiny orange, and switched on the viewscreen by the bar. The images showed hordes of people, and then, the Mitera, Liara's mother, in the midst of the chaos. "Look!"

Kandake stiffened. "Turn on the sound." The announcer's voice filled the room.

"Wow. That's crazy." Thala marveled at the pandemonium. "Is that how Central's feast starts?"

Kandake typed on her omni. "No."

"What's all the noise?" A matron walked into the kitchen, volus in tow. Seeing the screen, her eyes widened. "Oh dear, did she drink too much after service again? I bet 'Ira put her up to this. Those two…."

"The car's waiting, you lot." Another matron Thala didn't know joined them in the kitchen, a tiknon on her hip. "You're going to…. Hunh." She joined them in staring at the screen. "Now who'd have thought obedient, quiet little Benny'd grow up to be such an iconoclast?"

"Gamoto!" Kandake's outburst drew everyone's attention.

"K! There are young ones present," the asari with the baby admonished.

"'Ira just sent me a message." Kandake frowned. "She says Liara's missing, and Benezia's in danger."

Many stared at the screen.

"She's got a very strange way of handling it," the bondmate sounded confused.

"You can't understand," the asari with the baby snapped at the bondmate. "You don't have children."

The bondmate glared at the asari with the baby.

"Is the Matriarch looking for Liara?" Thala asked, concerned. "Is Liara in danger too?"

"My daughters," the matron with the volus demanded. "What does 'Ira say about them?"

"They're picking them up." Kandake leaned on the counter. "They'll look for Liara if she's not back by the time they get there. 'Ira thinks she might be in another room with other guests." She shot a meaningful look at the asari with the volus.

Thala frowned, not certain what was being implied, but certain something was.

"I raised her better." The asari Kandake had looked at shook her head.

"Everyone's possessive about their first," the bondmate commented.

"My girls look out for one another," the asari with the volus insisted. "Her sisters wouldn't let her hurt Liara."

"Why would anyone want to do that?" Thala's voice rose. "Liara's never hurt anybody!"

"Everyone," Kandake said loudly, "you remember Thala, Liara's aphrodisia?"

"Maybe Nephali asked Liara to show her the sights," the matron with the baby suggested.

"Thais!" Kandake snapped.

"Thetis," the volus took a deep breath, "would not like that."

"We should hope it's just jealousy at work and not anything worse." The bondmate looked worried.

"You don't know what you're talking about!" Thala was upset enough to correct them. "Liara said she'd be back by the third feast hour!"

* * *

Aethyta watched them transfer Liara to the life-support bed and tuck a blanket around her, careful not to disturb the halo device fastened to her neck and extending around her head. They connected the device to the room's holographic screens and made adjustments as results flickered across. It was quieter here. The IC wing was composed of a central column around which rooms ascended in a spiral. Each room was large, roundish, with walls of one-way glass. Every five rooms had a central medical platform, a staff station by the elevator, plants, seating and a waterfall fountain. At another time, Aethyta might have enjoyed examining the engineering marvels involved, but Liara's survival was the main marvel she cared about now. The halo had placed Liara in a deep coma, taking over even involuntary brain functions. The doctors had said it would reduce intracranial pressure and hopefully prevent ischemia cascades. The doctors had said many things, many she hadn't understood. Aethyta had recorded them. She'd looked up each and every term related to Liara's diagnosis of AY reactive excitotoxicity, "AYRE," until she'd reached "apoptosis," nerve death. Then she'd decided that knowing what it all meant wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

Nezzie sat in a chair beside the bed, holding Liara's hand. Glowing lychsich could be seen on Liara's arms and one shoulder. The glistening secretions of these small symbiotic creatures sealed and healed wounds that would otherwise require stitches and leave scars. They were closing the gashes from the glass. Aethyta watched them work, fearing to see them slide off. Lychsich would not adhere to dying organisms. Idly, she pressed the button on one of the nearby benches that ringed the room. Its top flipped to reveal cushions. Since the presence of loved ones was believed essential to health, the room was designed to accommodate many for extended periods. She pressed the button again. The cushion disappeared back under the wooden panel.

A group of doctors walked down the steps and through the biotic bioscreen that kept Liara's bed free of pathogens. Nezzie stood, still clasping Liara's hand. As Aethyta joined them, one of the doctors was saying, "... your daughter's brain isn't responding. The trauma was too extensive."

Aethyta brushed Nezzie's other empty hand with her fingers. She didn't notice.

"We've consulted and see two possible courses of treatment." Another doctor queued up files on a screen. "We can attempt to close your daughter's permeability transition pores with focused bursts of eezo radiation along the edges of her synaptic clefts, like this." A simulation showed squiggly blue lines zagging over dark jagged shapes and the edges of surrounding gray tissue, turning everything bright blue. "It would irradiate her nerve endings, but almost certainly foreclose the IIE." Aethyta held her breath. "Or, we can inject her brain with glutamate and eezo antagonists." The screen showed purple liquid bathing dark star-shaped spaces, turning the yellow flashing surrounding tissue a gentle flashing pink. "This would be less invasive and less potentially damaging, but … it may also fail to stop the IIE."

"What keeps you from recommending the radiation, if it's more likely to stop the IIE?" Nezzie's voice was hoarse. Aethyta exhaled slowly.

"Both options carry substantial risk, I regret to say." The doctor appeared sympathetic. "As you know, if we don't stop the event, your daughter will die. If we try the injection and it succeeds, there's still a one in four chance it could leave her essentially brain dead, depending on how she responds to eezo antagonists. Many asari can't tolerate them. While there'd be a three in four chance that the process could kickstart her brain's self-healing processes, and we'd like to believe her odds are good since she's quite young, truthfully, this is the worst AYRE our hospital has ever treated, so we're not confident." Nezzie sat. "The radiation will almost certainly save her life. However, to answer your question…." The doctor cleared her throat. "We estimate that there's a two in five chance it could render her ... unable to join, and, given the extent of the damage, there's even a possibility that it would … limit or … remove ... her biotic potential altogether, … indefinitely or … even, … permanently."

Aethyta didn't try to stop her tears. Nez said nothing, her eyes on Liara.

"Sustaining and surviving AYRE's of this magnitude is relatively rare, so our statistics are based on very few cases…." One of the doctor's colleagues stopped her. "I'm sorry, but we'll need your decision almost immediately if either approach is to stand any chance of success. We can give you a moment, unless you have questions?" The doctors waited, a few looking uncertainly at Aethyta. When they received no reply, they went back up the steps talking quietly amongst themselves.

Nezzie looked at the screens where Liara's lifesigns flickered orange and red; at Liara, pale and still on the bed; and then at Aethyta, her deep blue eyes full of anguish.

"I wish it was me," Aethyta told her, "instead."

"Don't ..." Nezzie said roughly, looking away.

"Seriously, I've joined enough for three lifetimes."

"Thy'." Nezzie took her hand and squeezed it hard, her eyes back on Liara. "Please stop talking."

Aethyta leaned against the bed by Nezzie, returning the pressure of her hand.

* * *

"I should be there." Kandake paced angrily.

"You're keeping us safe," the asari with the baby told her.

The Matriarch's guests had gathered in the open kitchen and dining area. More matrons and their partners had joined them. The one with the volus prepared food. Thala sat on a stool nursing her drink and frequently checking her omni. It currently read 17 minutes until the fourth feast hour. The bondmate watched the viewscreen. Thala glanced over. The cameras bounced in for a closeup on the Mitera, whom the crowd was lifting up. The front door banged open loudly. The bondmate turned down the viewscreen's volume.

"M'ana, M'ana," an asari slightly older than Thala abruptly entered the room, another right behind her. "Nephali and Liara snuck off to join! They left Thetis knocked out in the hallway!"

"Chara wouldn't let us stay with her!" The other sister complained.

The cooking asari hugged the girls to her. "Where's my baby?" she demanded of Eidothea as the doulous entered the room. Everyone had risen.

"Chara will bring her. She's trying to determine how your daughter became unconscious." Eidothea looked troubled. "Don't worry, Chara has trained with doctors. She attends those in need in hospitals. She's taking good care of her."

"Varda!" Kandake said loudly, spotting the other doulous slinking past. "What happened?"

Varda flinched, but turned and softly told them the story as she knew it. Thala's peers told everyone about the scene between Thetis and Liara and their conclusion that Liara and Nephali must have refused to share pleasures with Thetis.

"Liara wouldn't do pleasures with someone she doesn't even know or knock anyone out to do something like that! She's not like that! " Thala said vehemently.

Kandake went over to Thala, and put an arm around her. "This must be very hard. Is there someone I can call for you?"

Thala felt annoyed; they knew so little about Liara and were thinking such wrong things about her. It would go against Liara's principles, and fears, to act like that. She was about to answer politely when the asari with the kids her age gasped, looked up from her omni and abruptly made for the hallway, leaving everything still cooking. Thala could see she was upset. The asari stopped in the archway. Her mate and daughters caught up with her. "M'ana?" one of the daughters asked, touching her mother's sleeve.

"My …" the volus inhaled, "celestial flame." Another breath. "What is it?"

The matron had turned several shades paler. "They say we have to go to the hospital."

"For Thetis?" Kandake was frowning.

The matron didn't turn around and her voice sounded weird when she spoke. "They're saying Nephali hurt my baby. They're saying … they're saying she's Ardat Yakshi."

Thala's glass fell from her hand.

* * *

"My Luludenia, little Leirion." Nezzie stroked Liara's hand as the doctors adjusted the halo, drilling thin metal spikes from it into Liara's brain. More tears rolled unheeded down Aethyta's face. She could see Nez's hand shaking as she wiped the blood leaking out from where the spikes went in. "You have my love, take my luck too."

"How soon?" Aethyta asked gruffly. "How soon will we know?"

"A few days or a few weeks," one of the doctors answered, "depending on how she responds to treatment. She'll get a big dose now to stop the IIE, then we'll taper them off as synaptic harmonies reassert themselves. We can't be sure how long it will take. The side effects are cumulative."

Another doctor wrapped a heated eezo-saturated blanket around Nezzie, and offered her and Aethyta warm energy drinks. "We don't want to have to admit you as well." Aethyta nodded numbly. The doctors initiated the first dose of radiation, their hands busy on the screens.

Aethyta pulled up a chair beside Nezzie's, and held Liara's leg. After a while, Nezzie rested her head on the blanket, her eyes struggling to stay open. "I'll keep watch," Aethyta whispered. Maybe Nezzie heard her, because a few minutes later, Aethyta could tell by her breathing that she'd fallen asleep. The doctors seemed to relax when they realized. Aethyta heard them commenting on "the Potnia."

Soft footfalls, and Aethyta turned to see Eos. Aethyta rose and hugged her tightly for a long time, rocking back and forth.

Eos returned the hug. "That bad?"

Aethyta nodded, and held a finger to her lips.

Eos nodded. "She let you stay," she whispered.

"For now."

"M'a…"

"… I know."

* * *

"No, no, no!" Thala's hands clenched.

The rest stood in stunned silence.

The asari with the baby pressed a hand to the chest of the asari with the volus.

Eidothea pointed to Varda. "Drive them."

"Liara said she hadn't been drinking," Kandake groaned, "and I didn't believe her!"

"No!" Thala shook her head. "No! No!"

The asari who'd given them the news and her family started down the hallway.

Kandake touched Thala's shoulder. "What's your mother's number?"

"What's Nephali's mother's?" The asari with the baby said. "Someone had better call her."

"This is why I don't have children." The bondmate shook her head.

The asari with the baby shot a poison glance at her. "Wait up, Io!" she called and headed out the archway after Thetis' family. "I'm coming with you."

"Sometimes, Eri, you have the most horrible timing." Kandake started tapping on her omni. "I'm going to help them find Liara."

"I want to help, too," Thala said.

"You need to stay here, safe. I can track her," Kandake explained, "and know how to fight and defend myself."

"I've know about Ardat Yakshi," Thala insisted.

"No offense, Thala," Kandake said gently, giving her a look, "but how would that help?"

"I don't know," Thala admitted as she stood, "but I'm going with you."

"You are not." Kandake pushed Thala back onto her stool. Her omni buzzed. "Come on Sha'ira! Pick up!"

"Contact Shiala. She's leading the search." Eidothea gave Kandake the number. "Hetera Sha'ira has the hieros gamos now."

Kandake rang the new number, and the call was picked up immediately. "Hi Shiala, Kandake here, tell me where you are. I'll track them."

Shiala was jogging. "We're already on their trail, with Eos."

"Eos!?" Kandake blinked. "Does that mean … ?"

"Yes, I'll update later." Shiala's image vanished.

"Shit!" Kandake sat and poured herself another glass.

The screen showed fireworks bursting in the night sky.

* * *

"Lady Benezia won't like that you treated a guest like this. Let me go!" Nephali's energy flagged under the continued pressure. She didn't glow as brightly anymore. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"You hurt Liara," Eos explained. "We won't let you do any more damage."

Shiala tightened her stasis.

Most of Nephali's energy went to keep herself from being crushed by Shiala's. "I don't understand. How did I hurt her? Was she not old enough to join? She had another aphrodisia already. I didn't know!" Nephali panted from the strain. "Please stop!"

"Did you stop when Liara asked you to?" Shiala growled at her.

Sweat poured down Nephali. "What do you mean? She liked what we were doing, and it's not your business." Nephali's eyes went black. "Stop hurting me!"

"Did you ask her?" Shiala shouted, feeling a surge of hate when Nephali's eyes darkened at the mention of Liara, and at the sight of the little white flowers that dotted her skirt and the twist in one of her straps, at the memory of the blood on Liara's cheeks and arms. "Did you ask her what she wanted?"

"I didn't have to! I could tell. We were … ow! OW! OW! Stop!" Nephali sank into a crouch. "Please stop."

Flashing lights and gusts of hot air distracted Shiala, she almost dropped her stasis in surprise when she saw who it was. "My Lady! What are you doing here? It's not safe! You're …" She caught a glimpse of Hetera Sha'ira on the rooftop by a car and closed her mouth.

Lady Benezia approached Nephali. "Where's my daughter?"

"They're hurting me!" Nephali raised an arm in supplication. "Please, make them stop!"

Several commandos jumped down from a second car. "Potnia, stay back. The captive's not secured," one yelled as others fanned out to surround Nephali, shining their lights on her.

Nephali shielded her eyes, and a projectile bounced off her arm. "Ow! What was..." Another dark shape shot out from behind her, and struck her neck, knocking her forward. The collar triggered, wrapped around her throat and ripped her biotics away. She grabbed at it, her eyes green again, and full of pain. Eos dropped her stasis.

"Where's Liara?" Lady Benezia took another step toward Nephali, her eyes glowing brightly.

Shiala dropped her stasis too and pointed wearily to the small crowd standing behind them, "She's over there."

Lady Benezia turned on her heel.

"Please, Lady Benezia! Help me!" Nephali panicked, clawing at the metal thing around her throat. "I can't breathe!"

"That's less than you deserve," Shiala spit at her, trying to catch her own breath. "Liara walked through a window to get away from you."

One of the commandos telescoped a long metal rod and stabbed at Nephali with it. The rod magnetically locked into the collar. The commando pushed down, forcing Nephali onto her stomach, face to the ground.

"Liara, Lady Benezia, somebody, please, help me!" Nephali called. "I'm scared!"

The commando jerked the rod, yanking Nephali to her feet and toward her. With one swift punch, she knocked Nephali out and then released the rod. "That's how you can restrain one," she informed the other commandos. "With the collar on, she can't do you, but usually it's better to let a justicar handle it, safer. AY can be very devious. They'll say anything to get the collar off and their hooks in your mind, and when they do…." She spoke into her headset. "Threat Beta neutralized, and I have eyes on. Is emergency medical enroute? It looks like we arrived too late. I don't care about the traffic! Get it here! For the Potnia!"

Two commandos hoisted Nephali up between them. "She's so young and pretty," one commented, "what a waste."

The leader pointed at others. "You and you, guard the Potnia. You, see if you can contact the Potnia's escort and ask them why in the matriarchy they let her come here and where the fuck they are." She turned. "You! Step it up! Pack her in. We're too exposed, and if a justicar gets here, we'll lose the chance to question her."

"What will you do with her?" Shiala asked.

"We'll take her where they know how to deal with her kind. Don't worry," The leader reassured Shiala, then spun about as she heard the other car take off. "Puddle fucker!" Pressing her finger to her ear, she yelled into her headset. "I need a tracker on the Potnia's car! Yes, I know, but … what do you expect me to ... tranq. her?! But she's …. Yes ma'm!" She called to Eos, who stood watching where the other car had disappeared. "Huntress? Are you on duty?"

"No," Eos replied without looking back. "Vacation."

"This is a national emergency…."

"She'll be at the hospital." Eos turned. "Try to tranq. her, and you'll lose more than your career." With that, she walked away, the crowd parting to let her through.

Shiala frowned as the commandos dumped Nephali in the back of their car.

* * *

The approach of several people woke Aethyta. Sunlight filtered into the room. Blinking sleep from her eyes, she recognized Kandake, but not the others. There were korei with them.

Nezzie, now wearing a yellow dress, rose. "Mathithis Thalassa, Mathithis Adrastia, Sofronia, Koumbara Rand, …."

"Galene," the matron corrected softly.

"We were so sorry to hear the news, Benezia," the one who must be Sofronia said.

One of the kore, staring at Liara, went toward Nezzie. "Why are there spikes in her head?! Is she going to be alright? What happened to her?"

"Thala…" the one who'd identified herself as Galene quietly admonished the kore.

Nezzie took Thala's hand and placed it on Liara's, giving the kore her chair. The second kore joined the first, scooching beside her and leaning against her. Aethyta wiped dried spit from the corner of her mouth and sleep crusts from her eyes, stiffly stood, stretched, and walked over to where others had set up food and were talking.

"She cancelled all of them?" Hipp whispered loudly. "All?!"

"You expect her to dance, feast and give speeches while Liara…" Cleite hissed.

"This is exactly why..." Pantariste interrupted.

"Aethyta." Ori glared at her. The others turned.

"Matriarch Aethyta!" Arms grabbed her from behind and lifted her off her feet in a big hug. "You old varren!" She stiffened, then saw it was Kandake. "I hear we have you and Eos to thank that Liara even has a fighting chance."

Aethyta glanced toward the bed and saw 'Issa embracing Nez, her eyes widened at the sight of a little tiknon near them in the arms of a nyanya. Had 'Issa? Wait, with Nez?! Stunned by the thought, she turned back as Kandake nudged her shoulder.

"Thy', how did you even know…" Kandake said. A rather voluptuous asari stood near K.

"The broadcast. Who's…?"

Kandake grinned. "This is Erelia, my bondmate. Erelia, this is …."

Aethyta's eyes widened in surprise. K had _bonded,_ with an _asari_?! Nice rack too, reminiscent of….

Lysippe stepped into their circle. "This ought to be good!" She pointed toward the steps, where Matriarch Angelith processed with immense dignity down the steps, her robes trailing behind her. The group quieted in anticipation. With a last glance at Erelia's generous endowments, Aethyta stepped over to the other side of food bench so she'd have a better view. Issa retreated a couple of paces, and Nezzie straightened. Aethyta grimaced in sympathy.

The conversation seemed cordial at first. At least, there was a little bit of head bowing and nothing they were saying could be overheard. Then Angelith, self-appointed leader of the Armali Matriarchy and its Consortiums, started making stabbing motions with her finger, and Nezzie's eyes brightened.

"It is not a responsibility you can abrogate when it becomes inconvenient!" Angelith thundered, pointing at Nezzie. "You have duties beyond this room and its occupants. Once assumed, your sacred mantle cannot be set aside!"

"Neither can motherhood!" Benezia shouted back. "Do not shout at me!" Her voice grew quieter, but Aethyta could still hear it very clearly. "It will not change my decision."

Angelith's voice remained a loud rumble as she tried to intimidate Nez into submission. "You attacked your guards, broke laws, I could …."

"I gave them a choice, the same one you have—help or don't." Benezia's eyes weren't even glowing. "There are six Hepta and nearly a hundred douli more than capable of covering what needs attending, and you and all our extremely competent matriarchs. Our civilization will not collapse if I remain here. Charge me if you'd like, but I will not leave my daughter nor will I tolerate another moment of shouting in this room." Angelith flapped wordlessly once or twice after that, insisted that what was needed was Benezia, and left. Aethyta stared.

"M'a?" Eos tapped her shoulder. "I brought us some things. You have blood on you; you should change…"

"What just happened?" Aethyta muttered. "Did you see that?! Angelith left! Nezzie shot her down and she left!"

"M'a." Eos stroked Aethyta's shoulder. "She's the Potnia."

Aethyta took Eos' hand, not taking her eyes off Nez. "She's a mother."

* * *

Sha'ira glanced up, got up and walked away as Aethyta approached. The korei were curled up on chairs beside the bed. Nezzie sat opposite them, playing with Liara's fingers. The lights had been turned down. Many in the room were asleep.

Aethyta sat beside her.

"I was just ... remembering ... teaching her how to write. She…" Nezzie bowed her head and wept silently, her hand stilling.

Tentatively, Aethyta lifted Nezzie's chin. Those big blue eyes burned into hers.

"I could never thank you enough," Nezzie said. "You've given her to me twice."

"Nez…" Aethyta stroked her wet cheeks.

A warm hand covered hers, trembling. "Would you like to? I could … " Nezzie was definitely shaking.

It took Aethyta a moment to realize what Nezzie was offering. She hesitated, then interlaced their fingers. "Yes."

The touch of Nezzie's mind was both faintly familiar and very foreign, so much stronger, sweeter. Images swept her and then, there was baby Liara, struggling to walk. Her arms reached out to her and her voice urged her on. The little one's body lurched on wobbly knees as the she tried to step forward while still holding on to the side of the couch. When that didn't work, her little face frowned in concentration as she tried to biotically bring her mother to her. She could feel herself laugh. She extended her arms and called her again. The little one let go and propelled herself toward her mother, flapping her arms in an attempt to keep her balance. Her body got ahead of her legs. She fell, was caught, stabilized, released. She tried again. She was not caught when she fell again. She yelled in frustration, got to her hands and knees, looked accusingly at her mother and tried to crawl to her, but her mother backed up. She frowned, pushed herself teeteringly to her feet and flung herself toward her mother, determined, chubby little legs working to stay under her, reaching her at last. Aethyta felt joy as she swept Liara up and held her, then threw her giggling up in the air, catching her and nuzzling her fat little belly before she set her on her feet again. Liara grinned, and pushed her mother away, heading for a stuffed … krogan? The images whirled and blurred, a strong warm undercurrent caressing her mind, and she was lying down, weary, so weary, and sore, but … excited. Narissa handed her a small, squirming, healthy, thank the Goddess, baby. Aethyta felt a stab of anger toward Narissa, and Nezzie's sharp sadness before the memory drew her back in. Wonder filled her as she held the tiny creature. The miracle stuck out its tongue, its tiny mouth moving, its little fingers clenching into fists and beating at the air, its small legs stretching and curling back up. This was who she'd felt growing inside her all this time?! She was so beautiful, so amazing! Her little eyes couldn't focus but the small face instinctively nuzzled her breasts, awakening a fierce ache. With a tug the image shifted again, to Liara more grown up this time, more slender, sticking out her tongue, a stylus grasped in her fist, her brow furrowed, moving her whole arm to try to get the stylus to do what she wanted, Nezzie's hand reached out to help, then the images shifted quicker. Liara receiving honors at school, then suspended for headbutting classmates, hiking with her hand-in-hand, looking older and guilty with her books on sex scattered on the floor. Love flooded her, affection, loneliness, longing? Nezzie withdrew gently, and peace, peace and an ache came from somewhere—wait, from inside her, from them both? Their foreheads had touched. Tears soaked their faces.

"You mean it wasn't because…?" Aethyta tried to grasp what she'd felt.

Trembling, Nezzie wiped Aethyta's cheeks and sat back. "No."

"M'a?!" Eos stood, looking down at them, frowning.

Aethyta took Eos' hand, and pulled her down, resisting, into her lap. "It's okay, kiddo." She wriggled her finger under Eos' ribs, her ticklish spot.

Eos pushed her away and stood, angry. "I'm too old for that."

Aethyta grinned at her. "That's funny. I'm not."

"Excuse me," someone cleared her throat nearby. "I'm here about my daughter, Potnia."

Nezzie rose quickly to her feet, wiping the tears from her face, to stand before Shiala and a newcomer.

"Where's my Nephali?"

* * *

_*To those reviewers curious if I'm doing my own thing-yes, I am. To those new to ff, welcome, and I highly recommend the works of Midnight Lion, Owelpost, WordKrush, Cerulean1, PMC 65, Original Alcy, Meladark and oh crap, I'm forgetting some. (Oh, and WK, all the semi-colons are for you.)  
_


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